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How can I overcome the insecurity-fear-jealousy-sadness-resentment that I feel when my partner focuses on his daughters?

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I believe that I have a personal relationship with a loving and friendly God. The purpose of our lives here is learning, our bodies the vehicle of our spirit, our true essence.
Hopes and aspirations: To live in awareness, being aware of my here and now constantly, to overcome my fears, to achieve self-control of emotions that overwhelm me at times, to be healthy and creative.
How can I overcome the insecurity-fear-jealousy-sadness-resentment that I feel when my partner focuses on his daughters?

Background. We have been living together for 4 years. He's 61, I'm 50. His daughters 37, 33 and 24. I have a 22 year old son. The problematic perception started when from the beginning he defined his daughters as Perfect and started to describe them as way beyond real people (i.e., one of them will be one day a "world coordinator"). However, these women are extremely dependent of the father... up to the point that they can call him up to 11 times in one day!

They constantly need all kinds of help in their lives, from writing letters, doing homework, financing projects, babysitting, etc. He's an extremely affectionate and caring man and of course he usually complies... the problem is that there are 3 of them... I feel he ends up spending too much time and energy attending their needs and even though he does the same for me I feel they get more than I do... once you add that they are 3.

The reality is that in the time we have been together he has spent more vacations with them than with me; he has more projects with them than with me... I used to become real furious over this but it was eroding our relationship... and I very much love him. I got breast cancer and he has been incredible good and his solidarity to me has been total, which has eased a lot of the feelings I have expressed at the beginning, but there is some left and I do not want to endanger my relationship for these negative emotions.

In my personal background there are issues of abandonment, narcissistic parents, in general a very dysfunctional family - but I have worked hard with different therapeutic approaches and have been able to achieve happiness and satisfaction in my life. I feel this is the most pressing issue currently, even though I'm still fighting the possibility of a cancer since my original tumor has expanded to 17 ganglion. Thank God, I feel great and have confidence I will continue living.

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Thank you for your interesting and challenging question. It brings to light what I call "The challenge of the species." Our challenge is to become real human beings by feeling our authentic feelings and emotions. Due to our emotional immaturity and past learning experiences, feeling our emotions in intimate relationships is not easy for us.

Yet, it is within the pain of our intimate relationships that we realize in bold Technicolor what our issues are that need to be resolved. We must resolve these issues so that we can be successful in evolving as human beings and advancing as souls. I think of relationships as spirit's way to force us to grow and begin to fulfill our purpose for being here.

If your perception is correct that your partner's daughters are up on a pedestal and he does not relate to them as equals, then this is an unhealthy situation for him, his daughters and you. Read this article in the H2H archives about how important it is for parents to let go of their children and for children to let go of their parents.

I suggest you give him a copy of this H2H Q&A on letting go of unhealthy attachments to read. Then he will know what you are concerned about and the two of you can dialogue about it. Emailing articles and links can sometimes start a healthy conversation between couples.

Also note that if he has his daughters on the pedestal, he probably has you on a pedestal. This may be the reason you are afraid to be more honest and assertive with him. Perhaps you do not want to fall off the pedestal so you allow him to control you. His daughters are in the same boat, they do not want to rock the boat for fear of being rejected.

In any case you need to stop judging him and making him wrong about how he relates to his daughters. It does not matter how unhealthy he is; for your own health, you need to stop making him wrong about anything. It is your mental judgments that create your unhealthy energy. This means you need to let go of trying to control him and focus on yourself.

So let's zero in on your cancer, which probably has its source in your emotional body. Before the physical body becomes sick and diseased, the emotional body is sick and diseased. Your emotional body is about a foot and a half away from your body. Dense energy forms in this body before it takes hold and grows in the physical body. So anything you can do to help clear and clean your emotional body will help improve your physical body.

Let me say loud and clear that when you take responsibility for yourself you do not want to be judgmental of yourself about anything. This is the first trick in transformation, which is a major hurdle to overcome. You need to learn to stop making yourself wrong just as much as you need to learn to stop making someone else wrong or bad. In your case, you do not want to make yourself wrong about having a disease. Any physical disease is feedback that you need to use to become more self-aware. So bless your body for talking to you and listen more deeply to what is going on in your heart.

The unhealthy issues surrounding breast cancer could easily be resentment, irritation and jealousy. Louise Hay in her classic book, "You Can Heal Yourself" reports how her resentment led to her cancer. From my clinical observations, not every woman who has resentment develops cancer. This is because almost all women have resentment due to the sexist world culture we live in. On the other hand, the women who develop cancer definitely have resentment.

Dr. Serge Kings, a Hawaiian psychologist notes: "The relationships between emotions, experiences of loss or frustration, and all forms of cancer have been noted in many medical studies - see Psychosomatics, by Howard R. and Martha E. Lewis, and Who Gets Sick, by Blair Justice, Ph.D." Everyday there are new studies being published which reveal the connection between the inhibition of emotions and the creation of physical disease.

Improved physical health is one of the major benefits to opening your heart. You can help prevent and reduce cancer and heart problems by opening your solar plexus and heart. I think of the heart and solar plexus as one unit that works together. The solar plexus is the source of all your personal, private emotions and feelings. The power and energy in the solar plexus connects you with your emotional self, your body and the emotional self of other human beings.

Your heart is the source of universal emotions and feelings. The power and energy in an open heart connects you to all of humanity, the whole universe and beyond! Your heart is the powerhouse, which connects, and contains, the fire energy below and the light energy above. This is why your heart is so potent and why you become so physically strong when you open it.

To open your solar plexus and heart you need to feel your authentic emotions. You do not want to control your emotions. Control is what closes your heart and solar plexus. If you try to inhibit and regulate your emotions you will create more dense energy in your emotional body and energy field, not less. In phsycial reality, there are no negative emotions. Emotions are energy in motion. They are of nature, colorful and exciting. To learn more about emotions and colors, read "Feeling Blue? Green or Golden? The Secret Power of Color."

Feeling your authentic emotions has a dramatic, instantaneous affect on your physical body. I have observed this repeatedly during private energy healing sessions with both men and women. During energy healing sessions I place my hands on the person's body. The moment a person starts to experience an authentic emotion, the healthy energy begins to flow instantaneously in their legs, feet and entire body. I literally feel the increased energy in my hands. I have seen and felt this happen so often that I have no doubt about this energetic relationship.

The six primary authentic emotions are fear, desire, anger, love, joy and hurt. When you access any of these emotions, your vital energy will improve. It is your vital energy that feeds your cells with healthy energy. Unfortunately, most people and therapists confuse their six primary emotions with defensive reactions, conditioned responses and mental judgments. For example, there is a huge difference between your resentment and your feelings of real sadness and anger.

You mention all these states in one sentence:

If you look inside your heart, you will find all of these energies. Take a look at each one and notice which ones are dark, dense and have a lower vibration. To heal yourself, you need to move past the dark, dense energies so you can access and feel your real hurt and pain.

Louise Hay is famous for her thoughts and positive affirmations. Affirmations are helpful but they are not strong enough to clear away darker, denser energies that have taken hold in the body and energy field. In her first book Louise mentions, in one little paragraph, that she spent years in therapy to help her feel her emotions and feelings in order to let go of her resentment and move forward. This means you too, can learn to feel your emotions and feelings so you can let go of your resentment and move forward.

Use your loving nature and determination to help you open your heart and solar plexus. The more you feel your authentic emotions and take care of your emotional self, the happier you will be in all your relationships, especially the relationship to yourself.

Action Steps to Take to Solve this Problem

  1. Heal yourself. Read Louise Hay's Book, "You Can Heal Yourself."
  2. Stop judging your emotions and labeling them as negative. To learn more about the healthy nature of all emotions read the free report, "Feeling Blue? Green or Golden? The Secret Power of Color."
  3. Open your solar plexus and heart chakras by feeling your authentic emotions. Listen to the audio "Opening the Heart," which guides you into your heart so you can recognize the dark energies of resentment and the healthy energies of authentic hurt and anger.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. is a holistic psychologist who began the process of opening her heart in 1983. Since then, she has been enjoying the epic journey of transforming darker energy into lighter energy. To learn more about what she discovered read her story and sign up for "The Vibrant Moment," her free weekly newsletter.

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