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"I am struggling to heal my relationship"

Dear Ayal,

I have been struggling for some time to heal my relationship with my husband, to deal with the hurt and anger - and find love and compassion - without ignoring my own needs. I am wondering if there is anything you can intuit that may help me to understand my soul's journey and that of my husband in this relationship and the issues we face together and which may help me to make the right choices for both of us.


Hi - thank you for your letter. This is a very big question that has many, many layers to it that would need to be addressed for healing. A relationship as powerful and intimate as husband and wife is an especially intense mirror of your OWN life - whatever issues you see in your partner or that come up for you in that relationship are the challenges WITHIN YOURSELF that you have come to face and heal.

Emerson once said "What most people fail to understand is that a person's opinion of the world is also a confession of character." In essence, he's saying the same thing. What you see out there is what you are within. If, for instance, you find that your husband talks in an overpowering way to you but does not listen to you when you talk, that could be an issue (belief) that you have, that you carry deep within you, that says that you are not worth listening to, that you are not, in fact, worth anything. That is a core belief that says, essentially, that you are not worth loving - and it comes from not knowing how to love yourself. If you do not believe that YOU are worth loving, and we are all part of the same divine spark or essence, how then is anyone else worth loving? A belief that says "I am not worth loving" embraces all of reality, because all of reality is the same thing. It's all God, as you are God. If you can't really and truly love you as God, how can you love God in anything else?

Got that? Consequently, a belief like that leads to other false beliefs, such as, "Well, I'm of so little consequence, I'm only here to take care of others and not be taken care of. Therefore, I don't take care of myself and create my own life, or fulfill my own joys, my own needs and desires. I just live to be the doormat of others, and I hate it, and them, and myself for allowing it." I.e. resentment is born, and rage, and all sorts of other unpleasant things we end up carrying around and living with inside ourselves.

Here's another scenario using the same issue. Say your husband overpowers you or others when he talks, and he doesn't listen. You may hate that in him, feel it's selfish, hypocritical, immature, what have you. Well, guess what? Probably at some point in your life, you may have talked in that same way to others, or others may have talked that way to you while you were growing up, as a strategy to feel less insecure. Either way, it did not feel good, and you are left with the shame and rage of having endured that. An issue like that usually comes from someone feeling insecure and needing desperately to control the situation, to hear their own voice to reassure themselves that they really do have something worthwhile to say. Or, they may hog the high ground and not make room for anyone else from the fear that they will be overpowered, belittled, attacked, or at risk from what someone else may say. If you yourself have had that same fear, that you are inadequate in some way, his way of talking and relating will trigger all the times you felt scared and ashamed and belittled.

It's still, in the end, a belief, however, if you track it back to its core, that you are not adequate or good enough, or worth loving. And his issue of relating that way is a mirror for your own fears. Otherwise, you would not have created someone being in your life who relates that way.

The way out of this is twofold: compassion and insight. Getting beyond the belief that it is EVER about someone else. Then you are on the direct path to your own growth and spiritual development. If you put out a powerful intention that you fully embrace and allow the belief, 100%, that you are willing to unconditionally LOVE yourself, and that whatever is blocking that belief is now 100% easily and gently and lovingly released in a way that is for your Highest Good, what this will do is begin the process of unraveling those beliefs, perceptions, emotions that have you blocked from loving yourself. As you have been living this other way for a very long time, it may take a while (that's our life journey, after all) to undo, and release, layer by layer, what's in the way. When you make this intention, you have to mean it with your whole heart, and you must choose with all your heart to have that feeling of loving yourself beyond anything else... then you let the Universe start the process, and you hang on and ride the wave.

When we are fully honest with ourselves, and we continually ask "What in me is creating this in my life? What must I believe in order to create this?" - we begin to take responsibility, in a compassionate and non-judgmental way, for our anger, our fear, our feelings of incompetence and loneliness, and then we have the power to change them. And how can we truly be angry at anyone else if they are just mirrors for us, a gift for us to see our own stuff?

A friend of mine just told me a story today about a close friend of hers who accosted her and told her that she was unhappy and unfulfilled with the friendship because she didn't feel that this friend was spontaneous, or did this or that or enough for the relationship, or took care of her or cared about her. What is so obvious about this is that this person herself does not reach out or act spontaneously - she does not love or take care of herself. She, herself, didn't feel she did it "good enough". Whose job is it to take care of herself if not her own? How can anyone else be responsible for how we see life or how we feel, or create for us what we want? She herself felt badly about herself, but, instead of taking responsibility for that, she turned it inside out and put it off on her friend, telling her she was "bad", so to speak, and that she didn't do it good enough. This is a powerless way of being. No one else creates our life for us. Only we have the power to change it, because we are the ones creating it from our internal beliefs in the first place.

Read the Laws of the Universe, until you really imbue yourself with this understanding. Work with taking full responsibility for whatever is in your life - and see it as a gift to you to help you concretely see what you unconsciously have come to believe, and then create it differently by choosing (a conscious act of power) new beliefs that work better for you. Your life will automatically mirror your internal changes.

Blessings, Ayal

next 78. "I put things off to the last minute - how can I change this?"

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