"My boyfriend has asked me to help him in business, but he's unreliable and I don't feel he's pulling his weight."
The question that I am needing help with is in regards to my partner. It feels so large just trying to bring it out and I feel guilty like I am betraying him by saying anything. And I am aware that because of the depth of 'my' feeling around this it is within me.
Ok here goes... he has ADD or many of the patterns that go with ADD. And since in the last year we started working together in a mutual business I've gotten really uncomfortable inside. If he can't 'see' things he has no idea where they are - this means stacks of paper and clutter which drive me crazy. I believe this equates with my sense of having no control, when I check in with it. On his part, commitments to others are not followed through and when we are both involved this feels out of integrity for me. He struggles with organization, focus and structure. It seems everything is choatic, unorganized and random. Deadlines are not met and little follow through.
I really did not want to do a business together because our approaches are so different and yet we want to work through our stuff and know this is breeding ground for opportunity. He asked my help with the business because he knows he cannot do it on his own.
We definitely have a soul mate relationship and our connection, intentions, and life goals physically and spiritually are beyond our humanness. But we still have to live together and work this out in 3D reality!!!
I have been practicing standing up for myself and speaking my truth in these areas but every time I say something he get very defensive and I have to prepare myself for a fight if I want to speak. He is working as hard on himself as I am myself and we both want resolution. But we are both stuck in defenses.
Part of the problem is the lack of space we have and live in a very small house. I do see some of these issues resolving if we each have our 'space' to create and work. This doesn't solve all ADD stuff but allows each our own way to do things.
I feel he is truly committed to me and love me deeply and is working on his stuff. We each came in this life carrying a heavy load to work out and we are willing.
But why is this wearing on me so deeply? I feel it stagnate in my body and is not good for my health.
I want to see beyond all the issues that ADD and other imbalances bring into relationship and LOVE fully. But I feel totally unresolved.
The other thing I realize is that my dad carried the same issue of being a great Idea guy with no follow through and I would get involved with his projects to be with him and he wanted me to be there. But all was for nothing but a flighty idea that changes ever so often, as to not actually succeed at anything. This was my dad.
What do I need to see/do to work out this?
One of the things that makes it so difficult to pressure my partner about all of things is that he has stuck by me and been committed though a lot of my health issues, emotional instability, huge family issues, etc... he has been there. This seems to be the most important thing and I want to be there for him. Not make him feel worse about his challenges.
Well, I think that you have answered your own question. Sounds to me as if this is triggering some deep father wounds you have - not having someone you can count on to follow through with his ideas. Your boyfriend sounds great - he has been there for you. Relationships that are close like this trigger our old wounds. You have attracted to yourself someone who, in this way, reminds you of how you felt let down by your dad. He depended on you to help him, and you were constantly let down. Now, since this issue and old hurt are unresolved, you have attracted to yourself a similar situation - a guy with ADD who has asked you to help him, and you can't count on him, and don't feel he is pulling his weight - the same way you felt that your dad didn't.
So, they key is to go within and find that anger and let down and disappointment, forgive your dad, and release the old, negative, and stuck energy.
You chose your dad and this guy for a reason. What is your soul choosing to learn by going through this kind of situation? You created it to learn something. What is it?
And... what do you need to create now to have it work better for yourself? You're not a victim, trapped in any situation. But right now, you are coming from victim energy. Trapped in your own thinking and beliefs - thinking you HAVE to help these men, and then feeling resentful. Trapped in having created too small of a space to live in. why aren't you giving yourself what you need, and doing what you love?
This totally, as I see it, ties in with your health issues. Somewhere you don't believe that it's ok to take care of yourself, and love yourself, and get what you need. Explore this - find it, excavate it - go deep - many levels to it - release it - and watch some deep healing happen.
What is all tis energy about, and where does it come from - AND, do you still want to keep carrying it around?
Why don't you feel good enough, thinking you don't deserve to create and have what you want?
One other thing - it isn't your job or responsibility to save others, or take care of them. Your job is to take responsibility for yourself and your own well being. When you do that, then your path, whatever that may be, reveals itself, and any service that you have come here to do, as part of your own path and joy and fulfillment, then shows up. In the right way.
Responsibility is the ability to be who you are, in your fullness, and not harm yourself, and not stop anyone else from being who they are in their fullness.
Somehow, I think as a little girl, which a lot of children decide, incorrectly, you thought it was your job to help and save daddy. It isn't. It's HIS job to save himself, just as it is your boyfriend's to do. If you love working with him, then do so. If you don't, and are doing it from some mistaken or guilty belief, then it can never work.
You must find your own way, and what is right for you, and so must he. Just because you love one another doesn't mean that it's a good idea to be in business together, or that you have to. He does for you because he loves you - you don't have to then "pay him back" - he chooses to do so, and you choose to love him in whatever way you do, that feels right to you. it doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip or do a tit for tat kind of thing - i.e., I have to do this because he did this for me. That isn't love. That's guilt.