"I realised I've lost my power, as human being and as a woman."
The reason why I'm writing today is that a couple of days ago I realised I've lost my power, as human being and as a woman.
These last 3 months my PMS has being worse than usual. On sunday my husband told me this is all getting a bit too much. I felt very ashamed for being so out of control, gave loads of excuses why I should be excused and promised to look into sorting this out once for all.
The more I looked the angrier I got.
It felt like an old rage, a mixture of repression and shame..
I kept on wondering why I should excuse myself to the whole world for being a woman..
The following day a colleague of mine told me how her teenager daughter wrote to her saying how scared she is of getting her first periods as she knows her life will be hell..
It then hit me... how can we go through life, since such a young age, thinking it will be hell because this time that, in reality, is what we are???
That conversation really disturbed me and my good old universe let me find this while surfing on the net
So I realised how I come from a generation of women who were programmed to please and do anything by themselves..my granny, her mother, my mother, aunties... no frills or anything there... just proper wonder-women who had to be in charge the whole time to the point of denying themselves, who never allowed themselves to just STOP AND BE... And, most all all, there is no way one would be allowed to just really take it easy and breathe during those days... you'd be considered wet and weak if you dared to take a day off from the whole word cause your body was asking you to!!
And yes, I now feel like I have given my power away and I don't know how to get it back. I'm not quite sure if you keep old emails, but I previously told you how I'd smother my husband only to get the opposite reaction... My husband would never dare to control my life, to tell me what might or not be good for me, what to eat or what to do... And then there's me, controlling his whole life : "Are you going to them gym?... Have a salad... Don't have this... Have you put weight on?... Do you want time by yourself?... bla bla bla".
Yesterday I went to the theatre with my sister and instead of enjoying the damn show, I kept on checking my phone... come on seriously!!! It's always been about him, never about me..I denied myself to the point of apologising for my pmt... sorry here, sorry there... I'm a living apology.
Bless his heart, he told me he found out changing my diet would really help (which of course I knew already!), to which I replied that I don't feel like doing so cause it'd weird not to be able to enjoy food or drinks together... He just starred at me and he said that it would not bother him at all since it's only one week a month..He told me he does not understand why I can't chill during those days and then go back to normal life when I feel better..or why I can't bring myself to tell him that maybe alcohol and sugar are not such a good idea especially during those days..
Well of course my answer was... Because I need to stay in control... and I need to be supercool..because if I'm than you will never leave...
Ayal how many times do I have to go through this? I thought we were done 3 emails go when you told me to go out and have fun... how many layers will I have to work through till I get this right?
I'm tired and I want my power back... I gave it away a long time ago, and the little I had left I wanted to give it to my wonderful husband who could not care less whether I make him a gourmet dinner every night or not, whether our home is spotless or not... he probably just wishes I could stop planning his life, telling how much he needs meditation and silence, and let him have a burger from time to time.
I've been using the violet flame, but sometime I notice things get actually worse... is this normal?
I'm now looking forward to my next periods..I'm planning to really feel all my power and wisdom during those days... and the world will have to wait.
Would you also tell me what you mean when you say my husband is a reflection of me? How can him saying meditation is not for him or him enjoying playing playstation from time to time a reflection of me... this is the one thing from your wonderful work that will not get into my head.
I also feel a bit at odds right now... is this my life? is this it? Is my life only ever going to be about me taking my power back? I want to move forward... I've been thinking about really learning about the violet flame and archangels - but I've also realized how I've been using this so called "spirituality" as a form of control... so everything will always be ok in my life... so the archangels will tell me that we will be ok, my husband and I will never go separate ways, my mum will be fine... bla bla bla...
This has really hit me hard... this is not spirituality right? Me telling my husband he really needs to stop for 10 minutes every day and breathe is not being spiritual right?
So have I gotten everything wrong? have I wasted the last 20 years and money on nothing, just hoping to hear that there will always be light at the end of a tunnel? and again its still feels so controlled, and everything about power again..
I feel like there is someone next to me wispering how lucky I'm as I have a wonderful man who wants me to become my real me and develop my skills... and I feel this someone is reassuring me that by doing so my husband and will always be very happy and grow together and it's my path to be whole... But then there is another being... it just feels very needy and scared and worried... the whole time... and it begs me to hold on tight to what I have cause it may desappear..This makes me feel suffacated..and, especially during my pmt, I need my husband to tell me how great I'm , how indispensable I'm in his life... and if anyone points out faults I'll be very defensive... feeling lost and attacked!!!!
Hey sweetie – well, basically what I want to say is that your insights are powerful and right on. When you arrive at such realizations, I think that it is very natural, for a bit, to feel a backwash of anger and distress as you view your life from a new and different vantage point. It hasn't been, nor is, however, a waste of time, what you have experienced up until now. What you have experienced up until now is what has gotten you to this stronger place. If you hadn't gone through what you have, you would not now have the awareness and clarity that you do. We need that contrast. We can't let go of something or give it away until we can see it, experienced it, and have owned it.
You asked how may layers there are to this – well, I asked, and there are 4. You are at layer 2.2. So, you have crested beyond the half way mark, and when that happens, even though, yes, there will be more understandings and clearing to go, you have gotten through to a point where it becomes easier. Your head, in other words, is now above water. All of this is no longer in the realm of being unconscious for you. You are doing a great job.
Something to remember – you are not only dealing with your own healing and clearing here – you are dealing with what is called "The burden of the Ancestral Tree". You are dealing, to some extent, with an aspect of a culture where women have taken on the role of being "the Great Matriarchs" or "Great Mothers". whose role in life, usually, is just to rule the roost, take care of the children and their husband, and basically always be the big controlling Mama. ( excuse the stereotyping, but to a large extent, this is true ). So, when something like this program has been passed down through the generations and the DNA, it can be a bear to clear, and it does take time. The unfortunate aspect of being the Great Mama is that in order to be a mama, you have to keep those around you children, because you can't have a mama or be a mama without there being the polarity of that, which is that someone then has to remain a child. For a relationship to truly prosper and be healthy, it needs to be healthy empowered soul as a woman in relationship to a healthy empowered soul as a man – not child to parent.
What is so great about all of this for you, however, is that you do not want to continue it, and by making that declaration and making that your intention, you will be able to step out of it.
Control issues, as you have so clearly seen, stem from deep fear – the fear of being hurt, damaged, or abandoned. Or controlled oneself.
Since your journey in this life is a spiritual one, what that says to me, then, is that the focus of one's life gradually has to shift, and does shift, because the person wants true peace and clarity and understanding. And so bit by bit, the focus and neediness you have felt and become more aware of, shifts from one's partner, or family, and even oneself, from one's fear of being not good enough, of being abandoned and not loved, into the Greater flow of Divine Consciousness. In fact, what you begin to move away from is the little ego with all of its fears and therefore it's need to control, into a lovely and wonderful place of knowing that you are loved and safe. That you ARE, in fact, the love and safety that you crave. And when you truly get this, and allow it to become a part of every cell in your being – where you just KNOW it, and feel it, then you live your life from a different place. You still love others, with grace and depth, but you no longer need to control them or fear or carry any sense of loss - because you realize that you cannot lose Yourself. And yourself = Love.
As per the perfect and amazing synchronicity of the flow of this Divine consciousness, this quote just arrived in my e-mail today, and I pass it along to you, to use, if you so choose, as your mantra:
"I am one Self, united with my Creator, at one with every aspect of creation, and limitless in power and in peace."
When you feel anger, and fight yourself, or blame yourself, or fight the issue you have found yourself looping around in, what happens is that you keep the wound you have discovered open. It's like having a physical wound that you keep on beating and tearing the scab off of. So it keeps on bleeding and re-opening. This journey you are on is an epic one. Joseph Campbell speaks about "The Hero's Journey" - and all fairy tales and myths really deal with this, trying to convey to us what this journey we are all on, is about. I invite you to read about The Hero's Journey. It basically says that we all begin at home, part of the tribe, and as such accepting the rules and ways the tribe has. However, as we grow in awareness and begin to mature and become our own person, we start to realize that there are other ways to be then what our tribe has offered us. And so, we must leave the tribe, and journey away from home. In fairy tales, the youngest son, usually, or daughter, must leave home on some quest. The quest is actually the quest for your own evolution and enlightenment and maturity. Along the way, the hero encounters obstacles and challenges, dragons or trolls, etc. that he/she must overcome in order to find his/her strength and clarity. Along the way also, one finds magical helpers and teachers who help guide and steer this evolving being on his or her way. And then we become whole.
There is always this journey we must make in order to evolve. Even the Christian religion has it's version of this story - Christ had to make it - it's the same motif – going into the desert to confront his challenges and temptations and come out victorious and purified.
So, over and over, in different stories and religious beliefs, we are given the roadmap for this journey we are on. When you can view it in this light, with gratitude and fortitude and a sense of self exploration, and the joy of evolution, then when you have to confront some aspect of your ego that needs to be purified, then you become able to do so without self condemnation or anger, at oneself or at others. This is the next step for you to take. When you undertake this evolutionary journey, the purpose of it is to become who you truly are. One of the mantras of spirit is
I AM THAT I AM.
We become who we truly are – what we truly are – a being made up of divine consciousness and energy, in human form, having an experience. When you remove enough of the dross and debris of the ego, and you let that slough off, through your own personal, inner work, you come, step by step, closer to this place. You realize that you are a being of clarity and Love, and when you have that, when you shed the pieces of your old ego that are not that, you become free.
So, if you find yourself feeling angry, just use that anger as a jump start, as fuel to make even more of a commitment to arrive at the place of true self. But, then, see it for what it is. The more you judge yourself or others, and continue to hold onto that anger, the more you continue to punch at the old wound and keep it open, and bleeding. In order for the wound to close and to be able to move on, and not stuck like Brer Rabbit to the Tar Baby, punching it in his anger, you move into gratitude for this amazing Hero's journey that you are on – the journey of the soul to expand itself and gain wisdom and knowledge. That is how you move forward.
As far as how does your husband mirror you, or what is the mirror in such instances when he is enjoying play station or you are telling him to meditate – isn't that what he is also telling you, and what you are trying to develop in yourself... the ability to just be and play and relax and not have to worry and be in control of everything?
In answer to your question about how many times do you need to go through this – think of an issue like a big nail, a long one, that has been deeply hammered into wood. You don't know and can't see how far into the wood it has been driven. All you can do is continue to pull until all of a sudden, at some point, it finally pops out. Again, watch out about not becoming Brer Rabbit – do your inner work with gratitude and joy – and enjoy the ride.