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"How to love oneself more without being selfish?"

Hi Ayal

Thanks for being my spirit guide, thanks for your clarity on my relationship, just after I sent you the e-mail on my problems, I also asked the Goddess Kuan Yin to send me guidance and bang! 20 minutes later I was able to resolve a lot of the issues with my wife I previously would have thought were unsolvable. It's the first time my intentions and prayers have been answered so quickly. My wife and I now feel that we have taken our relationship to a new level, and are now madly in love again and it feels great. All this happened straight after I sent the e-mail to you. It's a miracle, bless you, I was healed even before I received your reply. I believe I received your guidance the second after writing to you, because a lot of the things I said to my wife you said in your e-mail to me.

How much do you think relationships speed up the process of learning to love yourself? How can one learn to love himself more without appearing selfish to those who are close to him? Like someone who says to you all the time, why do you not think of me, how do you love your self without leaving others out? How can I tell my wife that she does not need me to love her for her to experience love, and that if I do not love her in ways she demands that this does not mean that I do not love her? How can I teach her this without a big reaction from her, although to be fair to her I think she is slowly awakening? Anyway the place we are now is miles from where we were. We thank God and you for this, you are a real friend, I love you, reply soon.


Glad to hear that you had a breakthrough and that Love is flowing for you once again. Often we do reach a place where the energy has stopped due to blockages - that's just a way of letting us know that there are things we need to understand and clear, and, once we remove the blockage, or resistance, or misconception, the Love can flow.

In the order of questions which you asked, the first one is: do relationships speed up the process of learning to love yourself? The answer is definitely yes. It is often said that relationship is the fastest path to God - and that is because the other person acts as a mirror for everything that is IN YOU. Whatever you see in someone that you don't like, or want to change, the trick is to say: "That's ME!! I do that, or I have done that at some point in my life, and I'm STILL carrying a judgment, or emotional charge about it." It's NEVER about another person, place or thing. It's ALWAYS you seeing YOURSELF in the mirror.

Because you are constantly seeing yourself, (if you realize that that is what is actually going on), it is a fast way to clear things up, and thus speed you on your spiritual path. However, if you see it as the OTHER person's problem, you will not evolve. Then you will be putting yourself in a victim role, believing yourself to be at the mercy of THEIR energy, and then you will blame others for what is actually inside you, your stuff. Instead of being the CREATOR of your life, you will be the victim. But either way, you're the one creating it all, whatever is going on. Do you really get that? If not, that's your challenge.

Question 2: How can you love yourself without appearing selfish to others? Well, the key word here is "appearing". Appearances are an illusion. You will only appear selfish to others if YOU - YOURSELF - BELIEVE that you are selfish. If you have a judgment about yourself that you are selfish, or if you carry a charge about "selfishness" then that is what you will create, or see, coming back to you, as your mirror, from others. It's YOUR judgment about selfishness that is at the core of this question. Do you still see how you are making it about others instead of it being about yourself and your perceptions of things? If you took the word selfish and wrote down an equation such as

Selfishness = ____________. what would you put down?

Or, you could do it like this:

A person who is selfish is ____________. What would you write down?

Take a look at that, and let yourself write down all you define selfishness as. You'll see what a charge you have on it. You can also check out to see where that charge on selfishness came from. Did someone tell you you were bad when you were truly only wanting to live life in the way that was fulfilling for you, or wanting to do something to be creative? Were you told that it was your job to make others "happy" instead of yourself? Does that ring true as a way to live? Can we ever MAKE another person happy? Can we create in THEIR reality, or only in our own? Can anyone make someone else's life be a certain way - can we take happiness and put it inside of them? Or is it their responsibility to create it from the inside? Check it out, as this issue is still present in your life and being reflected back to you, time and time again - so that tells you that you are still carrying a program about it.

You can also state and intend that you easily release and understand whatever perception you had that caused you to have a charge or judgment about selfishness. Put into the intention that you feel and release the emotional charge that you carry about it. Before any misconception can change, FIRST you have to feel what emotion is behind it. What emotion is it? What do you feel when you think you are "selfish?" Then, after fully allowing yourself to get in touch with that emotion, and fully FEELING it, you can release it. If you blame others, you never feel what's going on inside of YOU. Blaming others, or thinking it's really about someone else and not you, is a way of not dealing with your own feelings. It's a way of hiding from them. But - energy doesn't shift until you get down to what emotions are stuck in your body. You aren't BAD for having had a perception or misunderstanding about something. That's why people so often won't deal with their own emotions and issues. They think if they do, they'll discover that they are bad, or "evil". But, there is no such thing as evil. Is a child "bad" if it thinks 1+1= 3? NO. it's just a misunderstanding. When you treat yourself with this level of understanding, and gently say, "Oh, I thought 1+1=3, but it's really 2" - THAT IS LOVING YOURSELF.

After doing your intention to understand where you got this misunderstanding about selfishness, and after feeling the emotions that went along with it, (how did you feel, thinking you were selfish all these years?) what if you re-framed your perception on it? In other words, turn that into the positive by perhaps saying something like "I allow myself to love myself so that I am a fulfilled, creative, joyful human being who lives in balance, and I realize that this is the best thing I can do for myself as well as others," or "I am willing to understand and experience the perception that I create 100% of my reality, I realize that I am only responsible for creating my own life. I understand that I create only in my own reality, as I understand that each person creates their own reality."

3rd question: how do you love yourself without leaving others out? When the sun shines, does it leave anything out, or does its warmth permeate everything? If the sun represents love, doesn't it give out whatever warmth it is, to all? If you are loving yourself, and are filled with love and fulfillment from the inside, won't whoever comes near you feel that presence and energy of love streaming out of you, like sun rays? You don't have to "DO" anything to love - just as the sun doesn't think about giving warmth, does it? It just is there, and all of life feels it. Same with you carrying love around inside of you. How could that not feel good to anyone who feels it? Doesn't that also say to them - "You can have this, too. Living this way IS a possibility! It's great to love yourself and feel good!" Doesn't that give them a possibility, an option for living, that they may not have had? Love isn't exclusive. It touches everything. Just open up and allow it to be with you. Invoke it. At any time you can say or intend this: "I invoke the presence of love to fill me up and I am willing to have this experience of love."

4th question: about teaching your wife and explaining it to her in ways she can get it. Well, it's not about HER getting it, David. It's about YOU getting it. All of these questions still are coming from the place of being "other" or externally based. If you get this concept, that you are the one creating everything in your reality, even down to the fly on the wall, if you get that it's YOUR dream - no one else's - that everything in it is created by you - your world can only reflect your dream back to you - what you create comes back to you as the world around you. You can't create in your wife's reality. That's HER dream. She can only do that. The only place you can create in is YOUR reality. You are still wanting her to change so that YOU will feel better - but that's basing how you will feel upon what someone else is doing. Her dream has nothing to do with you, or how you feel, except that it will act as a mirror for whatever you've got going on inside of you. To believe that her dream can affect you is still victim consciousness. Do you see? How you feel doesn't depend on what she says or does, or what she puts out, or what she understands. How you feel only depends on what you fill up YOUR dream with. If you choose to feel love, you'll feel love, whether your wife is at that moment experiencing a different kind of dream or not. You'd be able to look at her dream, her reality, and say, with love, "OH. That's what my wife is experiencing and creating and learning now in her journey. How perfect." How surprised would you be if when you get this, everything in your world will automatically be different?

Look at it this way - you are like a computer. The computer depends on what you type into it to determine what it will print out, correct? It's the same with your life. Whatever you type into yourself - whatever perceptions or beliefs YOU have inside you, that is what will get printed out for you and be your life. Right? Your wife is simply reading your script - she's simply responding to what you have typed up inside YOURSELF. She is only responding to YOUR print out. For instance, if what you have typed into your computer is: "Oh. I'm selfish. That means I'm a bad person. I'm really supposed to be responsible for everyone else's life." So, she will read this in your print out (your energy field) and say to you: "David. You are so selfish!! Why don't you ever think of me? Why don't you make me happy?!" Got it? When you change what you type into yourself, when you change the energy that is in your energy field from thoughts and beliefs and emotions that you carry around, your print out will be different, and everyone will read that print out and respond to that instead. Got it? As long as you make this about someone or something else, you are still not taking 100% responsibility for the fact that YOU create your own life. You will still be in the victim role, and nothing changes that way. You can only change yourself - because you can only CREATE IN YOUR OWN REALITY. You can't type on someone else's computer. Only yours! Bring it all back to you, whenever you think it's about someone or something else. IT'S NEVER ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON, PLACE, OR THING. Read the The Laws of the Universe - read it every morning and let yourself shift your perception of how reality gets created. Also, reading the Gregg Braden books, 'Awakening to Zero Point' and 'Walking Between the Worlds' would be very useful to you.

Thanks for the expression of the love kudos. That's YOU feeling filled up with your own Love, by the way. You're feeling so good about having love inside of you that you naturally feel in love with everything. That's how it works. Like sunshine. What is really going on is that YOU are being a friend to YOURSELF by working through the issues and calling on Love (you called it Kuan Yin) to be with you. Then, because you are being a friend to yourself, all of life is seen as a friend, all of it feels that way to you - it's a reflection of YOU. You thought it was me (something external) being a friend to you, but that's just a reflection of YOU being a friend to yourself. You created me being in your life to say these things. It's your creation, in your reality. Feels good doesn't it? That's being self empowered. No one else is to blame or can do anything to you. You have the power to choose what you want to feel or create at any moment. Anything "selfish" about that?

Blessings, Ayal

next 52. "Is it possible for someone to love me for who I am?"

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