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"I feel I've been lost for all my life; I continue to have trouble finding something that drives me to be creative and joyful."

Hi Ayal, I'd like to thank you from my heart for all you are and what you're doing for all of us. I really appreciate it. The thing is that I'm lost at the moment or better, I'm aware of it now and being lost for all my life I believe. With my girlfriend who is my soul mate and I love her very much, we are on a big transformative path, we made a lot of progress in more loving relationship to each other, ourselves and others, too. I'm happy about that and I know that everything's ok. The being side of me is ok, but I'm stuck on my doing side and have troubles finding something that drives me to be creative and joyful. I'm a really creative person in different areas, I'm a quick learner, so I know I can be good at everything I'm willing to do. The trouble is that nothing lasts long, because my mind comes in and starts calculating the future fruits of my present work. So I lose all the joy in doing and start looking for something else (also with the "help" of my mind calculating the benefits). I know deep down that faith and trust is everything I need, but I'd really like to know how to help my mind to trust, too. Few weeks ago you helped my girlfriend Ursa and also mentioned getting something about me, so I checked Emerson birth work as suggested. I believe I have some unresolved anger from prenatal time, that holds me back, because I had a really long birth (11 hours) and painful childhood with a lot of unspoken family issues. Thanks a lot and may love be with you.

Hi and thanks for writing in. What I am getting for you is that you have an issue called "resistant to feelings." You have deadened yourself due to fear or the traumas you have experienced. What your lesson is, is that it is SAFE TO FEEL. It is safe to open yourself to life. It is safe to experience life. When I was living at my yoga community, one of the first things that we were taught was to "SAY YES TO LIFE!!" When we have passion for life - when we see that everything is Sacred - that everything is showing us The Way... then we also develop "COMPASSION." Look at the word "com-passion" - it means "with passion." When we have our sense of aliveness active and well within us, then we naturally also have compassion for others, for we are in touch with the beauty in life. We see it in all things. We are, in fact, then, in touch with The Divine in ourselves - when this is so, we feel and see and touch The Divine in all other things and beings. When we are in this flow of love and beauty, we find that life just naturally unfolds for us, like floating down a stream. We are put in touch with the right person at the right moment - we are in loving delightful service to the Divine, in a joyful, playful way - sort of like dancing through life - it is utterly magical - and we are where we are meant to be at exactly the right moment.

However, when something has traumatized or frightened us, and that energy is still stuck in our tissues ( muscles/body), we devise ways to hide from people and from life. We may not even know that we are hiding - we're so used to being and living on that low level of energy that we think that that is just how it is and who we are. However, it's sort of like only using that 5% of our brain - there is so much more, but we don't even know it, because we have hidden our energy away. That is where the expression from the great enlightened Master Jesus comes in: he said, "Don't hide your Light under a bushel." That bushel is our fear, the strategies we devise to hide ourselves away, thinking that we are protecting ourselves. But all that we are really doing is running on a very low battery level and hiding away. When we hide ourselves away, then there is no energy to use to do anything with. We limit our interaction with others. We stay away from being involved with people or events. So it is important to find out the origin of what caused this, why we chose to hide.

Your issue got tangled up in the need to survive - you did not think your survival was safe. You felt at risk in a big way. Perhaps this comes, as you mentioned, from early trauma during your birth, or your childhood. Check into what was especially going on for you around 2 years of age. You are right that there is a lot of anger to release, but beneath the anger is a great deal of fear, and when you can find that and explore that, and really get all the pieces of it, then you can release it, and you will jump to a whole new level of Being.

Also, taking the flower essence Aspen, for deep fear, will be very helpful for you. I invite you to take 2 drops under the tongue 3 times a day for 3 months.

From a great master:

Everything is teaching us,
Everything is showing us
This wonderful Dharma light
All we have to do is
open our eyes;open our hearts.

(Your Dharma is your purpose)

Blessings, Ayal

516. "I must be meant to learn something from this repeating situation... I just can't seem to figure out what it is!"

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