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"My discernment fails as to whether I have made the right choices or not in all areas of my life."

I am guided to ask you for help with my current life situation. I am very frustrated with my life. My 20 year marriage is rocky but I receive no clear direction on ending it. I feel internally that I am in the right place but I do not have an intimate relationship with my husband. Our sex life has been almost non-existent for almost 20 years... this along with no communication about our problems on his part has been a constant source of sadness for me. He believes that all we need to do is hug and be nice to each other.

My son is 17 and on the autistic spectrum and I love him but life with him is very stressful. I feel that I am his guide and support and that should be my priority. Sometimes this is at my expense mentally and emotionally.

I have gradually phased out of my second attempt at a real estate career. I can't put in the enormous energy that it demands and have never felt like it's the right path for me... many roadblocks. I want to contribute to my family resources although I'm satisfied with our current income. My husband would love more money and I feel guilty when I am not contributing. Recently, I am being pulled back into thinking about real estate by phone calls and emails. I feel very confused and my discernment fails as to whether I have made the right choices or not in all areas of my life.

My questions are should I stay in my marriage and what volunteer or paid work outside the house may work in my situation? Right now I am not good at anything it seems because of my lack of focus and sadness about my conflicts.

Thanks so much if you can offer any insight.

Although I cannot tell you what decisions to make, or what is the right path for you, as that makes me take responsibility for your life – the only one who can take responsibility for your life and happiness is YOU – what I CAN do is offer some guidance regarding your own healing and ability to move forward in your life – ways to create greater strength, awareness, happiness, and empowerment.

You are needing to grow in Consciousness – to become more aware and awake, in other words. To understand yourself and your purpose and true power more clearly. What I am getting is that you feel incensed about things – feeling that life has not given you what you need, or want. This is the core of all the problems in your life that you are facing. It is a deep pattern of feeling defeated... deep down, somewhere along the way, you felt (and feel) defeated, and this energy has continued to operate from within you, creating, constantly and continuously, situations where you feel defeated, dissatisfied, and have no power. When one feels defeated, what also results is that one no longer cares for the self. This not caring can be a deeply buried unconscious issue. Since deep down somewhere you do not believe that you have the power to take care of yourself, or the ability to do so, you look to others to do this for you – just as you looked to me to give you the answers. I can't direct your life for you other then offering suggestions and giving insights when asked for them – I can't tell you what decisions you must make – even if I tried to do so, that makes what happens to your life MY karma. No one can do this for another. We must all make the long journey to become empowered, clear, wise strong beings, balanced and whole, being responsible for our own happiness and making our own choices.

The new energy pattern to heal this sense of being defeated for you, is to create this new way of thinking within yourself - to believe and to carry strongly within you this knowledge:

I love and approve of myself!
It is safe for me to take care of myself.

Everything you have written about speaks to this. You are taking care of a son to the detriment, as you said, of your own life. You have a husband who is not working with you to fulfill your needs or create things differently. You had a job that didn't work for you. You're not trusting or feeling safe and secure in the choices you are making.

So – The place that I invite you to go to and explore is this place of feeling defeated in yourself. When did it start – and where did it start? Can you feel that energy living in your body, being held in your body? How does it feel?

When you can get in touch with this energy, that is when you can take steps to release it and put in its place something new.

It would be great for you to do some Emerson birth work. You can look this up online. I invite you to follow up on this. It seems this sense of being defeated may go all the way back to your birth. That's often why, when an issue gets created so early, before there is more awareness, it is hard to track it or understand why things go the way they go for you in your life. If we have a trauma at birth, our strength and life force energy, or ability to feel safe and secure, are damaged. If your life force energy is low – if it does not contain passion, how then can you either manifest a husband who has passion, since you will attract someone who matches your own energy, or who wants to make love with you, if he can't feel that passion in you? Even if you want passion, that is different then radiating that passion from out of yourself so that another can feel it and respond to it.

We can only attract that which we carry within.

In order to attract and create what we desire, we must first be full, filled with that energy ourselves. It can't be poured into us from the outside.

You are needing to especially strengthen your 3rd chakra, which is the seat of personal power, the magnetic core of our ego and personality. The 3rd chakra deals with the formation of an individual self and the development of self esteem. It is the place that deals with creating an identity apart from our family or tribe. It is where the information is stored regarding how to stand on our own and take good care of ourselves. Self respect, self discipline, ambition, strength of character, the courage to take risks, and the ability to generate action all come from here. This fits what you are needing in order to create the kind of life you want for yourself. True?

I invite you to work with your 3rd chakra 2 times a day for at least 10 minutes, for at least the next 4 months. To do this, find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed, and after taking about 15 deep inhales and long exhales, focus your attention at your navel/solar plexus area. Imagine that you see, or feel, a spinning wheel of yellow light there, and just be with it – tune into it. See the state – or not – of its health... how it looks, or feels. And ask that whatever needs to be released is released, and whatever needs to be strengthened or transformed is strengthened and transformed. To help with this, you can ask for the Violet Flame of Transmutation, which is one of the most powerful energies available to use for healing, to come into this chakra and work with it to restore it to perfect health, power, form, and functioning. (You can also look up the Violet flame online for further information on it.)

I think that this is plenty for now. Let me know, if you wish, how this goes for you, and if you need further assistance, taking the next steps after these, I am glad to be of service.

Blessings, Ayal

511. "I realize how important it is to stand my ground and to speak up for myself.... but I've always felt I don't count and that my opinion doesn't matter."

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