Trans4mind Home Page
Clearing the Way

"Each time I have a relationship my partner cheats on me"

I have had four major relationships in my life. In the last three, each partner has cheated. The pattern is the same, my partner starts off very keen, enthusiastic and loving and then loses interest, lies and cheats. I always find out and I cant ever forgive this type of behavior. Why do I keep attracting a dishonest partner and more importantly, what I can I do to break this unhealthy pattern and make sure I have a proper loving and mutually respectful relationship in the future?


OK. What is going on here is a thick belief that life won't work out for you... Attached to this is a "poor me" attitude. There is a triangle of roles that we all play in life - if you draw a triangle, and put one of these on each corner, these roles are what we loop in and out of constantly, when we relate to others, until we find a way out of it. These 3 roles are:

  • Dominator
  • Victim
  • Rescuer

None of them work well for us and keep us trapped in suffering and dysfunction, and we all need to check in, all the time, to see when we are caught in one of these.

What seems to be going on for you is an inability, presently, to forgive yourself. When you can't find your way to honor yourself and where you are at, in each and every moment, then it is close to impossible to look at where others are at on their journey and forgive them. Forgive doesn't mean that they did something wrong or bad to you and so you in your greatness forgive them. That is operating out of Victim and Dominator stuff. "They" were so powerful as to "do" something to you, and you are the helpless victim that got done in. Nope. Forgiveness really is all about knowing that we are all on a journey, and we are all learning as we go, and that along this journey we are all going to mess up, fall down, get bruised, pick ourselves back up and continue on, learning and growing and doing the best we can. And ultimately, we all get to where we are going, and we are held constantly in Love all along the way.

Life is like a number line - it has an infinite amount of numbers on it, and each number is an experience or a place in our growth, in our journey, that we have to go through. There aren't any numbers that are better or less than any others - it's all part of the journey, and all of it has to be viewed with understanding, empathy (not sympathy - empathy is yes, I also can relate to that place - I know how that is, and I have caring and understanding for you about what its like to be there). This is the soul's journey of Life - we learn to love and honor and respect ourselves and one another for this epic journey we are making, and we hold the space of Love for ourselves and others as they make this journey. We don't try to fix it, or belittle others, or condemn them. We hold the space for them to go through their journey with respect and honoring and compassion. Think of being a spotter for someone on a trampoline. It's something like that.

Right now, what happens for you is that you get thrown off center by the actions, big or small, of others, and then you feel bruised and disgusted and disillusioned. You don't have this bigger picture or the know-how to be "a soul spotter" for others. Or for yourself. When we have an expectation of how someone "should" behave, instead of simply honoring where they are at a given moment,we have moved into being the Dominator, trying to control others. We try to control others because deep down, what we are actually feeling is helpless (Victim), and so we move into Dominator to try to make ourselves bigger and safer and tougher.

What kept showing up for you, over and over again, is the need to stay grounded, in your own center so that as this river of life and situations and ups and downs etc. flows by you, you remain calm and centered ....and in this way you are able to tune into your own inner authority - YOUR Acenter - your inner guidance - and be clear about what to do and how to handle a situation. You remain open and effective in chaotic situations. Color healing would be great for you to help with this - red is the color of the 1st chakra - and it has to do with your tribe, your roots, your family, in other words... it is the ultimate connection with the Earth energy - the "Great Mother" archetype who nurtures all of us constantly with Love. The first chakra is life energy, passion, and grounding. Knowing that we can take care of ourselves. Grounded in our own strength. I invite you to read Caroline Myss's book called 'Anatomy of the Spirit' - very fascinating reading about this. It will be very helpful for you - important to heal this chakra.

Right now, and this can all transform, you end up feeling bruised by life and by others, and outbursts of anger come out because deep down you don't trust that All is Well - you don't yet have your Grounding in spiritual Trust and Love - and again, it all comes, at the core, from not knowing how to be kind and gentle with YOURSELF.

Part of taking care of yourself is being grounded, firm in your own love and ability to care for yourself, and this means the ability to stand up for yourself. If you do not stand up for yourself by taking good care of and loving yourself, in essence then it is YOU who is betraying yourself - and this can get mirrored for you in your relationships with others when you feel abused, disillusioned, and betrayed. True? This is key here - VERY IMPORTANT! Taking care of ourselves means that we can set clear, firm boundaries and speak what we need, what we choose to do, easily and firmly and kindly. However, if you are not clear and have issues of believing that others will constantly disappoint you, or that life will not work out for you (Victim consciousness again - poor me), then that is what you will attract to you. How can there be harmony and trust when all of this stuff is like an underground current that eventually comes in and pulls you off into an old, wounded place? You basically have stored some toxic energy around feeling defeated - and again it comes, deep down, from not caring for the self.

Part of the guidance I got was that you are "Needing a Mother" - so perhaps you did not get this kindness and understanding and nurturance or role modeling from your mother. If your mother did not show you that care, or if you interpreted her actions as not caring, then it becomes hard to trust that others will stick by you and do right by you and care for you and love you, true? But ultimately, YOU have to be the one who knows how to love and take care of yourself and live your journey from that clear, light filled place of real loving. That means then, that it is something that you came in to grow for yourself - to truly and deeply understand what mature, spiritual love REALLY IS. That is your journey. - the ability to Integrate Higher understanding of true Spirituality and soul warmth toward others. To manifest integrity and wisdom, we must first find the Higher principles within - seeking an intimate relationship with the Divine - moving into our Spiritual awakening.

You want integrity from others, but the areas where you are not clear with your own integrity (as mentioned above) are attracting to you those who also are not clear with their integrity. Do you see how that is working? There are toxic emotions of morbid thinking and frustration (anger turned inward on the self) to clear and transform into positive thought forms and attitudes and emotions. It is VERY important for you this time around, to do that. The truth is, there is something "wrong" with everything. No matter what you are looking at, you can find something wrong with it, something imperfect, something that is not okay with you. Don't worry, if you look hard enough you'll find it.

There is also something 'right' with everything. No matter what you are looking at, you can find something right with it, something perfect.

There remains, then, only one question: What are you going to look at? What are you choosing to notice? (in self, and others?) What is your perspective going to be? It's all up to you.

I invite you to check out the following affirmations, and see which ones speak to you most clearly. Then, repeat this affirmation(s) as often as possible throughout the "nows" of your day. Feel what having that way of thinking and being feels like in your body - you have to feel it to integrate it into a new way of being. Write it on a piece of paper and carry around to re-mind yourself. Then breathe it in, and really feel it, in every cell.

I fondly focus on the good and loving energy that is all around me and as a consequence it increases more and more.

I live life with a sense of anticipation joy, and wonder. I love life, and life loves me. I know choose to take in life fully and freely. In my world, I am my own authority, for I am the only one who thinks in my mind.

I am experiencing unconditional love I know that everything is perfect. Everything is in Divine Order. I am open, expansive, and joyful. I discover my own individual truth. I am empowered.

All the parts of me that got something out of having this problem are healing NOW!

I expand and align with my path.

Another way to stay centered and transform negativity into positive energy is gratitude. Gratitude can be likened to a true smile. It is virtually impossible to have negative thoughts when you have a smile on your face! It lightens your heart and simply feels good. The practice of gratitude is life empowering. It can change the way you feel about yourself and life's events. With the attitude of gratitude you can change the state of your consciousness. You move out of reactionary emotions and take charge of your personal energy. One way to stay in gratitude is to state this when in relationship with others: "I am open to recognizing the gifts of this relationship."

Be grateful to yourself, to your body. Say thanks to your feet for supporting you for so long, say thanks to your eyes for letting you see the beauty of this world, say thanks to your ears for giving you the beautiful sounds of the universe. Say thank you to every part of your body. Thank the universe for all the blessings it gives you, and all the blessings you are receiving. Be grateful for everything you have now, and you shall receive much more.

To help you with this, there is a technique you can use called The Flip Switch.

Although we know the importance of feeling good, most of the time in daily life we forget about it. We are so busy at dealing with the "important matters" we meet every day, and we forget the more important matter: "To feel good and live a stress free life." At the moment we realize it, we are already in a deep state of negativity. The solution is to do a "Flip Switch" throughout the day.

To do the Flip Switch, you hold in mind a positive image, a moment from the past that you felt really good, or just an imagined event that makes you feel good. Hold it for a few seconds. At the moment you do your Flip Switch, it will cancel out all the previous negative emotions. The key is to do it often. Don't wait until your negative emotions get big and dominate your thoughts. Kill the monster when it is little.

Do this exercise throughout the day and you will see the changes in your life simultaneously. I can't stress enough how powerful this exercise is; try it out yourself. Some people find it is hard to hold an image - my answer to them is just to pretend that you see. The importance is not how clearly you see, but how strongly you feel. The idea of Flip Switch comes from Dr Robert Anthony.

Lastly, a couple of things you can do to support yourself as you begin this process of Inner Transformation:

  1. Start doing a yoga practice. Take a yoga class on a consistent basis - twice a week is good, to start with.

  2. Do the same with meditation.

  3. Repair your aura: I'd do this 2 times within a 2 day period. If there is a hole in your aura that needs to be repaired, here's how you do that: Stand with your arms upraised at a 60 degree angle each from the body, with fingers closed, thumbs out. Hold for one minute. You can also accompany this with what is called the Breath of Fire. This is a very fast, non stopping breath, through the nose, in and out as fast as you can. It's important not to do this breath too long to start with, as it is very powerful and you can get very woozy or pass out if you do it too much. So, start with it a bit it a time as you do this exercise until you can do it for a full minute. It is a deeply purifying breath and does create a fiery energy in the body. Be sure to drink a lot of water all day and immediately afterwards to flow out the toxins.

  4. Say this prayer 2 times over a 2 day period, and then as needed:

    To Help You, or Anyone:

    I ( or __________ is ) am made in the image and likeness of God. Therefore, I am ( he/she is) already healed, healthy, and well adjusted. I ask the angels to reveal the wonderful knowledge of who I truly am, my gifts and power that I ( he/she naturally has) naturally have. Help me to draw out my ( __________) true divine love, wisdom, inner strength, clarity, and talents.

  5. Go to a good metaphysical bookstore, and find wise books that pull you - study them, take in the wisdom.
Blessings, Ayal

next 500. "What is the real energetic cause of the neck pains I have been experiencing?"

Click here to donate & send a question to Ayal:
Clearing the Way   |   Laws of the Universe   |   Recommended Links