"I feel like I've given up who I am to accommodate my lover"
Dear Ayal, I'm feeling TOTALLY lost ... I keep looking for the signs of what the message is that I need to learn or change about myself and I'm not getting "it". I met a man I dearly love almost 1 year ago. My love for him surpasses anything I've experienced. I feel like we are constantly butting heads. The energy between us seems to shift DRAMATICALLY from one extreme to another. I don't want to go on about him as I know that everything we experience is showing us something within ourselves. But I just feel so lost. He seems to have extreme mood swings and ADD that manifests in different ways. I experience hurt and pain deeply a lot of the time to the point it feels unbearable. When I check in and ask what this is about I get that it has to do with CONTROL and me surrendering the need. I can't control him at all - he is late most of the time, doesn't follow through with what he says, procrastinates, is very inconsistent. I start to put my energy into something we talk about and before I know it he has changed his mind again. There is a big contrast here and I can't seem to follow or get into a rhythm in most daily things.
He is very extroverted and I'm introverted. Because of the nature of WHO he is he deals with public very intimately, especially women since he has a developed feminine nature and he is a healer, and I constantly feel threatened by this. I know this is my issue but the feelings surface so strongly its very painful. And yet I feel I hold back in "my" work as to not offend him. If I engaged people the way he does, it feels like this would not be tolerated by him. This is a familiar sensation to me from prior relationships but I wonder if something happened between us before. I sometimes feel 'afraid' of him, I think because he is so confident and I'm learning to build confidence in myself. I have felt I have trusted him more than myself at times and it also seems like I abandon myself out of fear. I feel intimidated and less than.
The other sense that I get when I check in with myself is that I've called in this opportunity for myself to really blossom. For me to stand up for my myself and love myself and him and others. It's the opportunity for me to really be who I am and not live from fear. I know this sounds vague but it is VERY deep and profound. I'm so used to accommodating and because I'm a very compassionate person I don't live authentically. I rationalize that it's selfish to do or be a certain way. Does this make sense? I feel like I've given up who I am. He has helped me in so many ways and I know I've helped him. I've made some very significant changes in my life due to his love, support, caring and knowing. What is going on with me and between us? I really desire to 'get' it and change my reality instead of changing the characters. And I really really love this man.
Thank you for your time, energy and insight.
Hi - well, I don't think that you are as lost as you may think. You have answered your questions and concerns already. You know what your being is needing to do to grow. You're just overwhelmed by it and not sure where to get the strength to mange this challenge, I think. Not trusting yourself or knowing that you have that strength. But, you do. You already have a huge amount of clarity. The wounds are just still in the way, and that is what needs to be healed.
As you already know, people attract to themselves someone who matches their issues so that they can see themselves in the other person, and then choose to work on those issues. You are very aware off what you are needing to learn by being with this guy. Since there is a strong connection, and you say you love him so much, that is the impetus and motivation, then, to stick with it and grow with this, if that is what you choose to do.
The only reason we take things personally or get affected when another has a mood swing or is, in actuality, off center, troubled, negative, or just going through their own stuff, (just being where they are in their journey), is because our own core, fear buttons get triggered. We think it's because we did something wrong, or that we won't be loved, that we're worthless, that we'll be abandoned, even that we don't deserve to live - the terrors we experienced as a child regarding these issues rise up, and we're right back into being that little child who somewhere along the way made those decisions that she wasn't good enough, and that's why daddy or mommy is angry, upset, etc. When we come from that place, we do not have our own ground to stand upon, or our own center. Therefore, when someone else comes along with a powerful energy, we collapse, blown this way or that by whatever energy is flowing around, or storming around, in our space.
If you are feeling hurt to the point that it feels unbearable to you, this situation also is a mirror for you: feeling that level of hurt is ALSO a major mood swing on YOUR part, true? YOU have swung way off center, right? So he is simply mirroring for you your own place of insecurity and woundedness. When we have a core hurt like that, where it feels as if we are going to die, THAT is the place we need to go to, to explore. You have a little girl program in there that felt so hurt or frightened by something that it seemed that it would destroy you - that was the belief you created, at any rate, as a little one.
You're absolutely right that this fear is a form of control, because that is what control is - it's not trusting the process of Life - not trusting that there is a guiding force that knows what its doing. Thus you feel very much alone and terrified in the moment - in every moment. So, you try to make the behavior of others and the outcome of things, how people respond, etc., be what you need it to be to feel safe. But that is going about getting safe backwards. What gets you safe is finding your own center, your own spiritual wisdom and balance, and being able to be in the moment with a deep sense of equilibrium. That is the journey - discovering and integrating that center of peace and inner strength within yourself - that connection to Source, to Spirit, to your true soul essence. Being with this guy is showing you where your wounds are, and where you don't, yet, have this.
So, you have some explorations and some healing work to do. You are right when you say not to make it about him. It's time to turn your attention to yourself, and do some inner work to create your own transformation.
I want to tell you a story. There is a young monk who lives above a small village. One day a young woman, who had gotten pregnant, and who needs someone to blame, and the other villagers come to him, in outrage, and the woman hands him a baby and says: "This is your child! I won't raise him! You must take care of him!"
And the young monk says "Ah".
A few years go by, and the young monk raises the child. Then one day the villagers and the young woman appear before him again, and the young woman says : "This isn't your child! I want him back! I will raise him now."
And the young monk says: "Ah." and gives her the child.
This is divine equilibrium in action.
Every time your guy changes direction or is acting out his wounds, you get lost because somewhere in you is a program that says "See, I'm not even good enough for him to keep his attention on me or give me energy. I'm not even worth someone paying attention to me".... And this is terrifying to you. It feels like an abyss that you will fall into. Or you have an idea of what that ought to look like when a person DOES pay attention, and when he doesn't,do it your way, it short circuits you, and THAT feels terrifying because you can't understand it ... Somewhere in you is probably a desperate NEED for that validation and attention - that desperate, core fear that you're not WORTH even being paid attention to....and when that happens, so much fear comes up for you that you get lost in it. However, if you track this, and explore it, you will begin to heal it. We can only heal something if we focus on it and know where we need to put our attention. If we make it about someone else, we never can find it in ourselves.
All of the things you mention, such as he getting the attention but not being able to give it to you, or you backing off and he gets all the credit, that he can do things but you can't, etc., has to do with this fear WITHIN YOU that you aren't good enough or deserving of energy - that you, in fact, don't even deserve to live, to be here. THAT is where you need to go to heal this. So, of course, appropriately, you pulled in someone who would push all of these buttons, whose issues would correlate to yours.
He does have his own issues to heal, but as you grow and change and become whole, things in your relationship must also change to match your new energy.