"I feel disconnected between my mind and my body"
I'm trying to deal with the precipitous birth of my son, five months ago. I had an easy physical labor, but my mind just couldn't take the speed and the pain and I shut down. I can't replay the feelings anymore, but I remember thinking that I couldn't even die, since death was as much an unknown as giving birth was and giving birth was so terribly horrendous, death might feel just the same. There was no escape. I feel that right then I lost a basic naivete or innocence about life, and what I believed about the world being gentle and taking care of me was not true anymore.
I can see how giving birth was a mirror of the disconnect I have between my mind, which I love, and my body, which I tend to feel always disappointed in. I mentally decided what kind of birth I wanted to have, and when things changed, I checked out and my body stayed there and worked through it alone.
Since then, I've worked a lot to try not to feel like I was a victim and that I didn't have any choice. I think that today is the first day that I can say that I gave birth, it didn't just happen to me.
A therapist I saw told me it might be a way of working on my own birth, which was deeply traumatic, as I was a 27-week preemie and the doctors were so certain I was going to die, they didn't consider I should even be taken to the other hospital with better technology. In the end my father insisted until they took me to the second hospital, and I survived unscathed after a respirator and a month at the NICU. I've always felt, though, that my traumatic birth really affected my mother and that she has never been able to recover. I've always felt guilty about it.
Now the thing is, I have no idea how to work on this. I identify myself so much with my mind, that I can't see beyond it. I don't even know how to see if whatever I try to do to be more in touch with my body is working or not. I don't know how to see how things are now, short of giving birth again, something that --on the other hand-- deep down still terrifies me.
Thanks for writing in. OK, here is what I am getting for you. I think that you had a couple of past lifetimes where your body was traumatized and hurt in a profound way, and what that created for you was a belief that you could not trust your body to defend you or take care of you. What is needed is some past life work to process this through, release it, and forgive what happened, so that you can re-connect again, and treasure your body – which means trusting yourself again. I invite you to locate a good, past life practitioner or healer who can facilitate this for you in a loving, safe, and deeply healing way.
When we are not in touch with our body, we compensate then, by depending solely on the mind, which, as you have mentioned, is where you live from. However, the mind is not the place we want to live from. You want to live from the Heart, and the Heart is what creates the body. So, as you move into forgiveness and put to rest the trauma with your body, and reconfigure the belief systems that got created due to these traumas, you will be able to move into your Heart, and then, how surprised would you be that your entire life shifts into a wonderful place for you, where you are living in trust and joy?
So, glad you asked for some direction. It's great that you recognized the challenge here and that you took appropriate action to move it along. Great insight on your part, so you're farther along with this already than you may realize.
See what happens after you do this work.