"What is stopping me from finding success in a fulfilling career?"
Hello Ayal, I have been thankful in the past for your amazing insight. I am looking forward to hearing your guidance for my question(s) this time as well. I hope I will articulate myself well enough...
I have been thinking about writing you about this for a while. I finally felt like tonight will be the night. My question is this: I am wondering why I can't seem to progress in a career. I graduated from a very well known college 8 years ago. I am now 32 years old, and I feel many people around me who are close to my age and younger seem to have actual careers. It seems so easy and natural for them to find careers and progress. Meanwhile, I am winding up in jobs that pay barely over minimum wage. I am tired of this continuing to happen. I want to find a career I love. I want to be able to really express myself creatively and also help people.
Because I find myself in these low paying jobs, I cringe when people ask the question: "so what do you do?" It is not that I seek to impress them so much as to really feel satisfied with who I am. I don't feel like I am satisfied. I want to feel proud of myself for my sake. I am wondering if you can detect any blockage in my life that is stopping me from finding success. It seems like I have been blocked on and off since I graduated from school. At this rate, I see no end without the right help. I can't find my way out and believe I will be having minimum wage jobs until I am 60.
I am also wondering if you would mind giving me some answers to some health questions. I had a period in 2006 where I lost weight out of the blue. I wasn't dieting, but I feel like it had to do more with something spiritual. I felt so happy about this weight loss. Now I am gaining the weight back. I am disappointed, but can't help but feel like it has to do with something that is not perceivable to me in my l ife. I also seem to be struggling with my nose which seems to chronically itch. I hope I am not asking too much of you, but I am really looking forward to seeing my way through this impossible fog which is my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Hi. Let's get started then. We'll go for the career thing first.
What I got – interestingly – was that this is a karmic thing for you. You selected this to be this way because there is some unfinished business for you regarding this. If you can, first of all, what your challenge is, is to allow yourself to get into the place of believing that every experience is perfect for your growth.
"I am at peace with where I am." This is the biggie here. This is the lesson you came in to get. When we no longer define ourselves by "what we do," or what kind of home or car we own, our profession, what we look like, etc., we begin to be able to tap into the truth and depth of who we really are. We no longer judge ourselves because of external things, and we no longer judge others because of their external situation or possessions or career. We go to the SOUL level, and I think this is why you have chosen to experience this.
Perhaps in the past you did judge others and yourself by the externals, and not the soul. Now it's time to go deeper, and value yourself in a higher way. As you complete this lesson, you will free yourself up to go on to other things that bring you joy – but freedom here is the key word. You are truly free when you love yourself and are at peace with yourself in whatever situation or moment you may be in – no matter what you wear, what car you drive, what job you have, even what you look like. TRUE? GETTING THIS CAN BE A LIFELONG JOURNEY – BUT THEN AGAIN, IT CAN HAPPEN AS SOON AS YOU ARE READY AND WILLING TO GET IT AND LET IT HAPPEN.
A great meditation to do to help with this is to relax deeply, and then see yourself surrounded by all of your "stuff": car, house, job, clothes, pets, family, etc. Then, one by one, take it away, delete it from your life. Start with your car, then your clothes, then the stuff in your house, then the house itself, etc. It's gone. It's no longer there – you do this until all you have left is your body, and then you delete even that. What are you left with? That is the place to really feel and explore and hang out with and get into. Try it - go deep with it. See what comes up for you.
You said it yourself – this is a lifetime where it's not about impressing others, but being satisfied with who you are. However, if your ego wasn't still involved, and there wasn't still that need to impress others with externals, you wouldn't wince when anyone asked you what you do, true? So, you still ARE placing value on the externals. This is a great lesson your soul has chosen to receive – so, my invitation is - go for it.
The weight: Ties into the above issue. It is all about approving of yourself. Or not. When you gain the weight, you go right back into the old energy of where I'm at isn't ok, isn't good enough – true? Can you feel the heaviness (weight – aha) of this issue for you that you carry around? It's a burden – it doesn't give you the freedom to be who you are. Who are you if you aren't worrying about these externals? That's the question. Who would you be? This belief and energy of feeling you aren't good enough goes deep and is very ingrained – see if you can catch it moment by moment when you slip into it – feel it – and then see if you can step out of it into another feeling. Remember a moment of love, or delight, of acceptance, of feeling at peace in the world, in yourself. This will help you begin to wiggle free of it and not have it be such an attached, glued to you so much you don't even know it's there kind of energy. Begin to be able to step in and out of this energy, until one day you'll be free of it – right now, it's like a second skin to you. Become aware of it – how it feels, notice when you fall into it, and then play with shifting it, moving it around, loosening it up, replacing it with some other feeling.
The itchy nose? Same issue. All about denying the self life. Extreme fear, rejection, and self hatred. You are itching to be something else, somebody else, instead of yourself. The space to come from, and really feel it is: "It is safe to be me. I am wonderful just as I am. I choose to live. I choose joy and self acceptance." Not just words though. FEELING IT.
You know, we all come in to experience exactly what we want/need to. I came in as basically a new age, power of the feminine/healing energy soul. In my archetypal chart, I am the Magical Child - the one who adores all that is free spirited and magical in life. So, my early twenties and actually for most of my life, I was in the forefront of all of that – the hippie times, the New Age stuff – and I loved it – and I love that sense of magic and freedom still. It's when I'm the most ME. When I flow full blown with unconditional, loving, creative, joyful energy.
However, the message I got from my family was that it wasn't ok to be me – that I needed to "buckle down" etc, be more "responsible." I was termed such things as "spacey" or other dishonoring labels. It was an "Oh Mom's just a hippie " thing, or "Oh, hopefully she'll grow out of it and get responsible and BE successful, BE something in her life" thing. Always there were the comparisons, and I always came out looking the worse for it. It seemed that I was never seen for the depth of magic at play with me – not appreciated for the value of what that gave to the world. No one ever said to me, until 2 days ago actually, that it was wonderful for me to be this in the world, and to go ahead and be the full blown me – that that is what I am and what I came in to be – it is what I came to experience. What an amazing gift and epiphany that was!! I was never told it had such value and was WANTED in the Universe, despite all the accolades I have gotten through the years and the love – I had just never heard it put in such absolute, definite terms that it was RIGHT for me to be me – to be at play this way– in fact, that it was ESSENTIAL that I be this, that it is the ESSENTIAL me this time around – it wasn't just some "unproductive" phase I was in.
To hear that, somehow enabled me to give myself permission to finally, absolutely be that and not give a damn, basically, about what anyone else said or thought. Even though I have "known" this for a long time, somehow it was more academic – it just never cut right down to my soul. Somehow, (and granted I've done a HUGE amount of clearing work to allow myself to finally get this and open up to it – years and years and years worth) somehow the other day (and there is a timing to all of this) it finally, finally clicked in on a deeper level then it had ever gone before – and I finally felt totally free of constraints or self judgment – I felt how wonderful it was to be me. I could "SEE" it. I could see me not through the veils of what was wrong with me, but I could see all the magic that is me. And it was beautiful. Like all of the magical things and images I have always loved – I AM THAT!! It was "Hey – I am a magical child at play in the Universe, and it is MAGNIFICIENT!! And fun!! And – it brings Light and Love to this world."
Here's the deeper level of all of this though: I CAME IN with the issue of needing to learn all of this, to value and love and care for and approve of myself. Therefore, I created, karmically, the family I had who couldn't see me for who I was, because "I" couldn't see me for who I was. I came in to get that level of freedom and independence – to not be dependant upon others for my life, or my sense of self, or my joy, or my ability to play as a magical child in the world. I spent a lot of time depending on others for all of that. And that was what I was here to claim this time around.
So – I tell you this because this is also what you are here to grab about yourself and claim and revel in – who you are- whatever that essence of you is – whatever that truly is, removed from externals or what others think, or what you think you "ought to be doing, or looking like." Removed from all of the "I'm not ok" stuff that has pounded away at you all this time.