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"I want to know how I can become 'whole' again"

I want to know how I can become 'whole' again. A series of bad life events saw me end up in a bad, mutually abusive relationship that I entered into for all the really wrong reasons. (Basically, out of fear and anger and provoked vindictiveness.) I turned into a person that I really didn't like while really trying to make things work during the year and a half. Then I started getting funny sensations in what I would suppose is my etheric body - initially things started off as a pain in the neck on the right side (which I found was only serendipitously relieved by putting a piece of dendritic agate to the site of the pain), then as a slimy entity that would occasionally brush across my mouth and somehow linger on me, especially on my back. This slime is still on my back as we speak today, and it is as if my body is fragmented in two - half of it the slime and the rest like it is tied up in knots and 'dirty'.

There is a tightness in the centre of my chest, and sometimes pulling at my throat. It is like there is something really off from roughly around my waist upwards. Sometimes when I lie down, like a couple of nights ago, the slime would come round to the front and sort of rest there from just below my navel upwards. Other times it is as if there is a hollowing out of my spirit in the form of a 'hole', and that rests in my throat. The tightness in my chest is always there. When people, especially men, think I'm ok they start to sneeze. I have done my best to remedy the past situation and put things right. Have been suffering all this since roughly 2004 and it affects my ability to do things.

Of course if I get a conventional medical opinion they prescribe me anti-psychotics (which I don't take). It's like I'm perpetually dirty. The only thing that helps is when I hold a crystal to the part that's giving me discomfort i.e. my chest, or hold! ing black tourmaline to the back of my neck seems to 'untangle' the slime a bit. Malachite also helps. I did a bit of light chakra reading and also went for a reiki/crystal therapy session and the problem seems to be with my 2nd chakra all the way up to my throat chakra. Oh and my mouth is frequently dry, otherwise there is this sickly sweet/dirty taste in it often. I hope this is enough information to go by and it makes sense... really hope you can shed some light on this. Thank you so very much.


Hi - well, the first thing that is showing up is an issue of feeling defeated. Of not caring for the self. Along with this issue comes anxiety. When someone has this issue, even though we may think that we are caring for ourselves, on some core, inner level, there is a pattern of energy or belief structure that says, "I'm not worth it", or "I'm not lovable". Or "I don't deserve to be treated with love, or with respect, etc." It tells us that we cannot receive good energy from others, and so, believing this, we don't. We create situations where the pattern plays itself over and over again - where we feel abused, mistreated, not recognized or validated, etc. etc. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Repeat this affirmation 3-4 times a day from now on:

"I am capable to and I choose to sustain intense pleasure in a state of serene happiness. In this way life proceeds effortless, naturally. Life is here to enjoy."
There is a practice that I invite you to do, daily. It is the following:
  1. Identify which of these twelve Inner Peace items are still challenging for you at this time.

  2. Spend a day with each challenge, as a practice.

  3. Track what or who you allow to trigger inner disturbances or reactivity to sustaining your inner peace.
12 Symptoms of Inner Peace
  1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fear based on past experiences.
  2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
  3. Loss of interest in judging the self.
  4. Loss of interest in judging other people.
  5. Loss of interest in conflict.
  6. Loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
  7. Loss of ability to worry (this is a serious symptom).
  8. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
  9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
  10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart.
  11. Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
  12. Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than to make them happen.

Always remember that if you do not nourish yourself that it is impossible to adequately nourish others. It is not wrong to put self first. Love of self and honoring self, teaches us how to love and honor others, and it is not wrong to have an abundant life-style or wrong to allow ourselves to receive. When you recognize your personal power, you radiate a frequency and vibration that joins other like minds to shift the global matrix. You hold a steady frequency of joy, gratitude and appreciation in your heart. It radiates out into the global matrix and out into the galaxy. As this frequency begins to build, it begins to increase in volume and resonance, and like a tuning fork vibrating joy, gratitude and appreciation it activates, it stimulates the same frequency resonance in others. This is service work. This is transforming work.

Due to the issues you have carried and the traumas you have experienced, your nervous system is weakened. You need to support and strengthen that. I invite you to go see a good homeopathic practitioner in your area and get on a constitutional ( core) remedy. Describe to them the symptoms you have mentioned here. I think that you are basically very sensitive to energy, and that you pick up the energy around you very, very easily. You need to have a daily ritual of cleansing your energy field. That is why, I think that you have found some of the gemstones helpful. However, you need to know how to do this for yourself. When we take on negative energy, it can often feel sticky or gummy, or slimy, similar to how you described yourself feeling.

Therefore, it is very important for you to balance the energies of the body through chakra clearing, each day, twice a day, for perhaps 15 minutes. Relax in a quiet space, with eyes closed, as you would sit quietly in prayer or meditation, breathing slowly and deeply until you are very calm and relaxed. When you are relaxed, beginning at the base of your spine, at the tailbone, you visualize a beautiful, glowing, fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light filling up that area. You ask with each chakra that it be restored 100% to perfect health, form, and functioning - that whatever needs to be restored, be restored, and whatever needs to be corrected be corrected.

When you sense that you are complete with that chakra, you move up the body and visualize a beautiful gently spinning wheel of orange light at your reproductive area. Repeat the process. Then, moving up the body, see a bright yellow spinning wheel of light at the navel area. Remember, as you do this, you are asking silently that each area you are visualizing be cleared and brought back to perfect health and functioning. Then you move up to the heart and visualize a glowing spinning wheel of emerald green light there. Then on up to the throat, where you clear that area by seeing a beautiful spinning wheel of sky blue light. Then up to the brow, the center of the forehead, where you see a glowing, gently spinning wheel of indigo light. Then to the crown of the head, where you see a beautiful, gently spinning wheel of violet light.

Even if you are not adept at being visual or seeing these colors, just by saying to yourself that that color is there will begin the healing for you.

To finish, surround yourself with a beautiful, glowing white light. Visualize it totally filling you up from head to toe as well. There are actually minor chakras, or light intersection points, which function and serve as intersecting energy vortexes in the body, bringing energy into the physical body from the universal energy grid. Besides the major seven centers, these minor chakra points number 144, to be exact. Simply ask that they all be lit up with white light - similar to imagining oneself lit up like a bright starry sky or a Christmas tree.

This will help immensely to get you back in balance. Clearing the chakras is a very important way to stay healthy and in balance.

Another very important healing tool to use to keep yourself clear of inappropriate energy is to sit in meditation and using inner vision, twice a day, from now on, scan your body, both the front and the back, for cords. Energetic cords can be sensed., and some people even have the ability to see them. If you see or sense a cord attached to you from another, or a cord going out from you to something or someone else, you can imagine yourself cutting the cords and allowing the energy to return where it belongs.

You can also state this, as you cut the cords:

"Mother-Father God and Holy Spirit: Assist me by disconnecting all energy connections from me to others and from others to me."
When the cords have been cut, surround yourself with a beautiful cocoon of glowing, white light, and state:
"I now am willing to connect with my Divine Source of energy, and I allow only the Highest Vibration of Love to connect me to others, and others to me."
We can lose parts of our spirit, or life force energy, and this may be the hole you described, due to any kind of trauma - it is a form of dissociation. Often we hear people say "I was just beside myself" or "I'm just not all here", or "I feel numb, lost." And those statements are, on the energetic level, absolutely true. We can be "outside" of ourselves, and parts of ourselves can become lost. We then have to call our energy back to us.

To do this, find a quiet time and private place where you won't be disturbed - get into a prayer or meditation state, and, as with any sacred healing ceremony, when you call your spirit back, you may want to state an intention that only that energy which is the essence of Unconditional Love, and that energy which is for the Highest Good for your Life return to you. It would be good also to set up a white light around yourself before you begin which puts this in place also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear about what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea too, as they represent higher love, compassion, and purity.

Now, send your awareness gently out into the universe, asking that it find, connect with, and bring back to you your spirit that has left due to trauma. Just sit quietly in an open and receptive state, profoundly calling your spirit to you and absolutely choosing to have all of yourself back with you. Allow it to come to you, whatever is ready and willing to return. Not all of it will return all at once. That can be an overload. Just open to what energy does return.

You can also fill yourself up with white and/or golden light, from head to toe.

When you feel complete with this experience, slowly open your eyes. If you choose to, you can write in a journal about what you learned and what guidance you were given. Take some time to integrate this experience. Don't go out into the world too fast or try to do too much afterwards, relating or otherwise. Drink water, allow yourself to integrate and process what you need to, and remember to blow out the candles!

See if this helps.

Blessings, Ayal

next 458. "I want and need to gain trust and confidence in myself"

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