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"I feel angry and jealous when a girl at work is with other men"


I am undergoing such a confusion that I can't decide anything now. The problem is I like a girl at my work place but she already has a boyfriend. She has so much respect for me and some time shows so much affection and attraction towards me. I am Indian and she is Spanish. We have different beliefs.

I am very much interested in spirituality and do spiritual practices given by my master. I have all, but still without her I feel there is no success. I want to let go and have tried the past two years but I find it very difficult. Now the main issue is that whenever she flirts with any boy I feel very angry. I feel always that loss of trust in her. I want to discover what is the higher aspect or reason for me to learn from this. So that I can learn the lesson and concentrate on my spiritual practice. Please help to take me out from this situation.


Namaste. Well, first of all, even though this girl flirts with you, you know that she is only having some fun flirting, because she already has a boyfriend. So, how can you lose trust with her? She has never promised you anything. You know the situation, so you know that even if she IS flirting, she doesn't mean anything serious by it. She's just enjoying the game and the attention, right? So, my question to you is, why do you continue to set yourself up? It's like the cartoon, Charlie Brown. He keeps on trusting that Lucy will not pull the football away when she holds it for him to kick, but she always does, and he always lets her be the one to hold it. So, what's wrong with that picture? What makes you go after someone who is not attainable, not there for you? And even though you know it, you keep letting yourself be set up for disappointment. What stops you from finding someone who is available and who can truly return your affection?

The issue for you is one of disconnection. And you have a huge and desperate desire to be connected - and this manifests as a fixation on her. When we have a belief that we are disconnected - that we can't make a real connection with others - we will continue to create and set up relationships that don't truly connect to mirror that belief. You will find yourself not really connecting, or not having the kind of connection you truly desire, because deep down at the core level, you don't believe that it is possible for you to connect. Because of this, you stay empty inside, even though you have a spiritual master and teachings to follow. No one else can fill this void for you but you. It is necessary for your own inner happiness and success to let go of the belief that you cannot connect.

"When you begin to touch your heart, or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space." --Pema Chodron
The key here is that you must touch and fill up your own heart with self love - with the choice and ability to love - to choose that you, yourself, will emanate and put out love just because that is what is inside of you and what you are. You say that without her, there is no success, and this tells me loud and clear that you are depending upon someone or something outside of yourself to fill you up and make you happy. That is not possible. Only YOU can do that for yourself.

Because you don't trust yourself, this shows up as not trusting others, feeling let down by them, anger that you are not the object of their affections, that you are the one left out (again - disconnected). But YOU are not the object of your own affection for YOURSELF. Whatever you feel or believe on the inside will simply show up on the outside, directed at others. This is called projection. You unconsciously take those inner feelings and beliefs and put them - your own stuff - onto others, and think it's them doing something to you. But the lack of trust, and the anger you feel, is really at and for yourself. It's living in you as a false beliefs and the emotions go along with such a belief.

Thoreau summarized it best when he wrote, "What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen."

You haven't connected yet with yourself, with who you really are, so you don't trust that you have any power, or can bring yourself joy, or love. Therefore, you look to someone else to do that for you. The first and only true connection must be to yourself. Then you will connect with others from an authentic and truly loving, self empowered, self generating (love) place.

I invite you to say the following, 4 times a day from now on, with deep feeling, really feeling this and believing it:

"I love and approve of myself. It is safe for me to care for myself."
Somewhere, you decided that you weren't worth loving or being approved of, you felt defeated, and you didn't therefore learn how to take care of yourself. It is time to do that, by loving and approving of yourself, not waiting or wanting someone else to do it for you.

To face this fear that you cannot connect, or that you are powerless - whatever it is that you think is there for you to face - I suggest that you do the following technique at least twice, and more as needed. Here it is:

Facing Deep Fear

  1. Find your fear/ learn its name. You need to acknowledge what your fear is actually about, even though doing so will probably be painful.

  2. Go inside of its presence - feel it in your body, however it feels and wherever it lives inside of you - feel all of it, down to the roots - and accept it all. Go into the center of the fear and give up everything. In other words, as an example, if you are facing the fear that you might be filled with illness the rest of your life, you have to be willing to accept or face the ultimate fear, the ultimate place you don't want to go to, the place you want to avoid going to, that you are going to die. It seems odd that you have to be willing to die in order to live, but it works. Most fears, fortunately, won't need such a drastic sacrifice, i.e., I'm going to be fat the rest of my life, and that's OK.

  3. Heighten your senses/ live to the fullest - In the throes of the anguish and pain of your realization of never having or never being what you want, relish the sensations that at least, you are FULLY ALIVE AND FULLY FEELING in the pain.

  4. Join with the unlike/ slide into place. As the pain begins to subside, you'll see/ feel yourself as being out of phase with what your opposite is. (FOR EXAMPLE: I'm fat/ I want to be thin.) Both halves are part of you and need to be merged. Imagine that there are two pieces of 35mm film, each with one of the two opposite images of you. See them sliding into place on top of each other, so that now they are lined up perfectly.

  5. Complete the union/ embrace and hold. Envision the two images moving into each other and becoming one.
Blessings, Ayal Hurst

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