"I have brought to awareness a traumatic event from my infancy which had a profound impact"
I think your opinion and advice may help me to advance further on my path of self-healing. I think that I have brought to awareness a traumatic event from my infancy which had a profound impact on my psyche. I think I was about 2 years old when one morning I woke up and decided to go to my parents sleeping room to share love and tenderness with them. When I opened the door I saw them making love. They were embarrassed and I remember now seeing my father enraged, turning his had towards me to say something. After that there is a blackout in my memory and the next thing I can recall is seeing me in the hall, returning to my room shocked and with my head down.
The memory on this event revives a feeling of being chased out of the paradise of love forever. Also, I think that it left an imprint in my being, the belief that love, sex, enjoyment is something negative and/or that it something forbidden for me. I think this the reason why you earlier suspected that I might have been abused sexually.
I now understand the origins of my omnipresent fear that I might do something wrong and provoke the anger and that for that reason I shall not be loved. This is a feeling of a panic fear located in the lower abdomen - a burning sensation in the form of a knot. I realize now that my whole being is in a constant tension in an effort to control myself and to find a right way to be a good boy so that I shall not be rejected and others would like me.
This is a very profound and powerful insight that you have had, and I think you have put your finger on something really core and crucial for you. These things that we experience traumatically early on do create deep patterns that, unless we track them and transform them, continue to operate. Great work on your part!
Now, the next step is to release this energy from your body. Since you now know that it was this experience and what you interpreted from it - that you thought you did something wrong and terrible, and that you better be a good boy or else - that if you did something wrong, you would incur the wrath and anger of someone who, in your child's mind, had power over you, was bigger then you, and might hurt of even kill you in their anger - and since you associate that anger (and shame, also, in all likelihood) with sex and love making - now you know, intellectually, at least, which is a first step, that you aren't bad; that you are worth loving, that love has nothing to do with anger or shame, and that you can stand steady and appropriately centered and detached in the face of someone else's anger- that it won't kill you; knowing that you are wonderful and worth loving - that it is just THEIR stuff that they have to deal with - and not you being bad or wrong. This is a beginning. Now to release it.
I am getting that you can do this in meditation. Sit in meditation and ask that this energy be released from THE CORE LEVEL of your being. Ask Spirit to come in and dissolve it and fill you instead with golden light and love and inner strength, and/or whatever else you chose to fill yourself up with. Just surrender it and turn it over to spirit.
A technique you can use while in meditation also is to visualize a clear bubble in front of your navel. Fill this bubble up with all of that fear or shame or beliefs - anything and everything that you feel in yourself that is connected to these issues. Make sure you release it from the CORE of your being... put the pain and knot in your stomach into it, etc. Then allow the bubble to rise up and go into the sun, where the energy of the sun dissolves it back into pure energy. Then you see, coming down to you from the sun, another bubble filled with golden light - again, filled with whatever it is you wish to have, and allow this bubble to release all of this wonderful, glowing energy into the top of your head and flow it through your entire body, filling yourself up with it. This method can also be repeated as many times as needed - whenever any of that other energy comes up for you, just take a few moments to do this, release it and bring into you the new energy.
If there are any workshops offered in your area that also have to do with releasing trauma from the body, if it feels right to you, I invite you to take it.