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"My boyfriend has told me he's met someone else and we should just be friends"

Hello: I am almost 53 years of age and I have been with my boyfriend, age 56, for 14 years. 4 weeks ago he came home and told me he had met someone else and we could just be friends. I was destroyed. I haven't been able to eat, have lost 15 lbs, not sleeping, I thought we were a couple forever. The women he met is 45, and a recent widow. Now she seems to be trying to take over everything in this brief time, even doing my flower beds I have worked so hard with, at our cottage. He is not allowing me to go to the cottage, because it might upset her. I am feeling lost, and not exactly sure where to start, or what to do. I do know one thing, I want him back desperately, and would forgive him in a heart beat. What should I do?

Thank you for your time. P.S. He is usually pretty stubborn.


Well, I hear what a huge shock this has been for you, and how devastated you are feeling. This must be an extremely difficult time for you.

If you have perused through some of my other responses, you will know that how I go about things is from the inside out. I am a firm believer, from direct experience, as well as observation - and many, many teachings - that everything that happens to us on the outside is a mirror reflection of something going on for us on the inside. When we get in touch with that energy, or pattern, in ourselves that is creating our external situations, we then have the power to change what we are creating.

What I am getting first of all for you to do however, is to speak to him about your feelings, if you haven't done so already. By this, I don't mean to plead with him to have him come back, but to share what a shock this has been for you, and perhaps confront him on how come he dropped this on you like a bombshell. If you have any feelings about feeling betrayed, or that he was dishonest with you, after all this time together, if you feel at all dishonored or disrespected by how he went about this, now is the time to speak up. I think that you need to share that with him. This will help you out in 2 big ways:

  1. you won't be holding your feelings in, which keeps you stuck and going around in emotional turmoil.

  2. it will give you back a sense of personal power and not feeling so helpless and defenseless and hopeless.
This last bit is what this situation is all about for you - issues of feeling defenseless and hopeless - issues of not feeling good enough. And they didn't start just with this situation. This pattern goes back actually, all the way to the womb and then as early on as about 2 years old - so, believe it or not, this is a lifelong, old, old pattern for you that you came in to face and transform, if you choose to do so. Were there feelings of being unwanted or not good enough growing up, even perhaps an issue of your conception being "an accident" (even though I don't believe in accidents - everyone is here for a reason and is as special and important as anyone else)? If that energy was around you from early on, it's clear to me that you came in with this issue to heal it, and it would be clear why you would have issues of not being sure that you are a valued or important part of the Universal design - because the affirmation that is coming up for you around this defenseless and hopeless issue is:
"I am part of the Universal design. I am important and I am loved by Life itself. I am powerful and capable. I love and appreciate all of myself."
Do you believe this, and feel it? If not, there's your answer as to how come this came about.

Given the way, as you portrayed it, that this all came about, it came across as I read it, as if all the years you had together didn't matter, as if you were UNIMPORTANT. As if all your work and the love and energy you put into the cottage you shared together (the love that you put, in other words, into your "world") wasn't even honored and respected. In fact, you were shut out from it while another was let in - again, someone being more valued and "more important" then you. And this is what is showing up as a core, painful belief you are holding inside of you - that you are unimportant, not an important or cherished part of your world. If you carry this energy pattern around inside, guess what you will manifest then, on the outside, as situations in your life? For that is what life is - a mirror of our internal landscape.

Actually, what you are really needing, my healing guides are saying, is seclusion - time to be alone, with yourself, and to learn to deeply see the value of yourself and your special connection to life. You need to strengthen from the inside out, especially your nervous system. If you believe that you are not good enough, then you probably have an addiction to needing others to validate you, needing others in general, in relationship, to prove that you are wanted and loved and OK - and this is exactly the addiction and pattern you need to heal in order to create your life in a healthy way. And to do that, first you must learn to love and value, honor and truly respect yourself - the only one who can do that for you, is you. Then you learn that you can be, do, and have absolutely anything.

I'm sure therefore that the prospect of being alone terrifies you - as leaving behind any addiction does - but it is the way to go for you to create a richer, much more fulfilling life for yourself - and that isn't to say it's forever. It's for right now, to give you the time to become a powerful, self sufficient woman/soul/being who can then eventually create, if she chooses to, a relationship based on self esteem and self worth rather than need.

You are being asked to experience trusting yourself and your worth. This leads to trusting Life. Big life lesson here. I invite you to really mull and turn this over for a bit and see what you come up with. How have you not trusted life and yourself, and what are the reoccurring or consistent emotions that go along with this? How has your life reflected this over and over? Getting in touch with this is the first step.

You are also here to learn to interact consciously with others to form unions with people that support your growth, and to release relationships that handicap your growth. Look at your relationship with him under this light, and again see what comes up for you.

Check out the information in the article on the chakras listed at the end of the home page, and read about the 2nd chakra. Check out the box also on the home page that says Empowerment, and read about that.

This is a good start. There are many methods and techniques to clear old patterns and old energy, but first you need to be able to get in touch with it and see if this resonates for you.

Best wishes, Ayal Hurst

next 438. "What I am missing the most in my life is a spiritual family"

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