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"I feel deeply sad about my solitude"

Hi Ayal, just came across your site. It has a lovely feeling about it, and I hope that maybe your reply might provide me with some much needed insight.

Well my issue is to do with relationships. I've had a few serious relationships but they've all felt lacking in stability, never solid. My pattern seems to be this. When I'm out of a relationship I want to be in one, and I think about it a lot (less over the last year); once I meet someone they are typically quite taken with me, generally have a reasonably well developed feminine side, and are decent human beings. Whether it starts sooner or later, though, as I enter the relationship I begin to wonder if I even want it, and then the anxiety starts: "should I stay or should I go? This person doesn't feel right for me, but maybe they are and I'm just afraid, but still they just don't seem to 'fit'"... and so the train of thought continues incessantly. "What if this person's right and I leave - should I stay and work at it?"

I begin to cycle through times of being ok and then not wanting to be there with that person. I see all sorts of reasons why I should go, and even now I think many of these are legitimate; one was a binge drinker, one was critical, one was a little emotionally immature, etc. I guess I genuinely feel that none of these guys were right for me and that leaving was justified. I don't regret leaving, or not pursuing the relationships further. I know I'm in a pattern but I don't know what it means. I can't seem to stay, can't leave either and the tug of war just about kills me, in fact my health has even suffered with this. I've had this issue through all my relationships but the anxiety has become acute over the last three years, every time I enter a new potential long-term relationship.

On the one hand I genuinely feel they aren't right for me and there are usually a few reasons behind that. It feels like my intuition is saying this person isn't right and my anxiety is getting me to stay hooked by telling me that maybe I'm messed up and should stay and not make a big mistake by leaving. Why am I even engaging with these people, though, if they are so 'wrong'?

On the other hand I feel so much anxiety about staying, or going, that it does point to an issue there. Sometimes I even wonder if I want a relationship at all. I am a liberal feminist, and I love my solitude, I'm not desperate for children and maybe I'm just pushing myself into something I don't want - but when I see fulfilling, healthy relationships I realize it would be really wonderful. I feel deeply sad about this issue and I have tried over and over to resolve it but I can't do any more. I'm trying to accept that maybe I'm deeply damaged somehow and that that's ok, instead of trying to strive to get it 'right' and to fix it, because I don't know what else to do. Anyway this sounds so negative but I don't hold a lot of hope anymore. Any insight you may have would be very greatly appreciated.

Thank-you in advance for any clarity you can give.


Hi. Thanks for writing in. Glad you found the site and that it felt good to you.

Ok. Let's get started. Well, the first thing that is showing up is that you feel smothered when in a relationship. There is a fear of feeling stifled and "unable to breathe for yourself." This relates to an issue of suppressed crying. The affirmation is:

"It is safe for me to take charge of my own life. I choose to be free."
So basically this is an issue of defense going on. I think that this may be carried over from another life. What I am being told is that it had to do with an enemy of some sort. It would be good to sit in meditation and ask about this, and allow whatever information comes to come. I think perhaps you may have been imprisoned in some way. See what comes up for you. When you have gotten impressions or received information, ask that this issue be resolved for you, and you may need, after confronting the issue, to do some forgiveness work. (Also, there may be some weeping release work, just letting it come out, that you need to do.)

A good prayer for this is:

"If there is anyone or anything that has hurt me in the past, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it. If I have hurt anyone or anything in the past, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it. If I have hurt myself knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it. I ask this in the Highest good of others and myself."
There is a great (and easy!) clearing technique you can do when this anxious or confused or fearful energy comes up. All you do is raise your hands above your head, palms facing toward the body, held about 6 inches away from the body, and slowly bring them down the entire front of the body until you reach the tops of the thighs. Then say: "CLEAR!!" in a firm voice out loud. I'd suggest that you do this 6 times a day from now on.

See how this does, and if you feel that you need more after this, write me again. But this is enough to do for now.

Blessings, Ayal

next 436. "I need help to clear my mind, know that I'm on the right path"

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