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Clearing the Way

"I want help with my anger so that people do not push my buttons so easily"

I get stuck in positions at work because I am stable, reliable, and I do a good job. They can't replace my quality so I don't get promoted. They put ignorant people in positions above me or promote them instead of me.

Right now at my current employer, I am a driver. I told them form day one that I wanted to be in sales when it opened up. All they had was driving so I took that at first. They hired a new salesperson rather than promote me and split up the routes. Before that a sales route opened up but they put someone else in, my boss said that it paid less than where I was at.

Before this I was at another employer for 3 years and I had an ignorant boss there. I was a sales & driver rep, I was given the sales employee of the month 4 times in my last year. I was passed up for supervisor of sales there. I lost my job because I asked my supervisor for new map books 5 times and they kept forgetting about me. My vacation time which I was taking when my wife had our baby was approaching and I reminded them during a meeting. They made it seem publicly that it was my fault so I was disrespectful in the meeting, I cursed, walked out, and was let go because I made the boss look like a fool and everybody knew I was right. Both bosses have been fired now.

At a gas company I was the youngest, did all the hard work, and they promised to send me to 401 school but never did. I did the same work as licensed people but was not licensed, which is breaking the law. They said I was doing good, gave me a raise, but I did not get last raise as promised. Then some pranks happened while I was on vacation but they suspended all of us, I voiced my opinion to the boss that it was not fair, then I was let go for cursing at her when I called her a stupid bitch.

Marriage & Wife:
I want love like everybody else has. I want my wife to stop irritating me so much. I want my wife and employers to keep their word. I want help with my anger so that people do not push my buttons so easily. And I want to be a good example for my daughter.

I feel like my wife is against me and wants to argue about everything. My house is a mess, I work all day, when I come home my wife is on the computer doing bills, writing articles, researching, doing homework, or even looking up a new motorcycle that I want or goes to the yoga studio to clean or teach (her jobs) but she does not have the time to clean at home.

My wife reiterates her points during arguments and it makes me furious. So I bully her by saying mean things and threats to make her go away. She does not usually go away because she does not want to positively reinforce my negative behavior by giving me what I want which makes me more mean. I do interrupt her during conversations and arguments because I get bored after a few moments or if she talks about the same things. She gets mad because I watch tv, movies, sports, and the news.

We are also arguing because I want to take a vacation by myself to go to a football game and tailgate party with my cousin. He is married with 3 girls. She does not like football but said she wanted to go. I think this is a waste of money. I said it was just for guys. She brought up that I brought my ex on the trips but she liked football. She is also mad because we were looking at buying a car and she asked me not to talk to that cousin yet but I did not here her, so I called him and then she asked me not to talk to him about it but I ignored her because I was already on the phone. He owns a car lot and might be able to get us a deal. She said that I ruined the fun of deciding on and picking out a car together. I think this is stupid. She says we do not know each other and she wanted to do something without my family involved. She is still mad because we spent every weekend with my parents after we got married until the baby was 8 months old. I also did not let her buy clothes or toys for the baby then, I wanted to let my family because they wanted to, and it would save money. She is mad about that so she is shopping a lot more now. She says she missed out on a lot like first dresses so she bought a bunch for the holidays.

I meditate and am listening to the Power of Now on CD. I do not know where to begin and if I had the answers then I would fix things. At work I have all the products and fix the routes to deliver. Sometimes I feel like giving up or finding someone easier to get along with who talks less or that I need a vacation. My wife says that I am trying to make her like my mother who does not say much and does everything for my dad including work, this makes me very angry. That is not true. My father told me that my mother was a great wife because she never complained or asked for more, I told my wife this.

Thank you


Well buddy - I'm glad that you wrote in, because that tells me that you really do want to get things working for you in your life. For people to heal the things that are in the way of having their life work the way they want, it takes a lot of courage and honesty - it takes courage and honesty to face ourselves and confront our own issues - the things inside of each of us that create pain and dysfunction in our lives. If you are willing to do this, then I think you can really transform those things that are troubling you. So, are you ready?

First of all, you are right in saying that you need to find a way to release and heal the anger that you feel. So, if you can hear what I have to say without feeling angry or defensive, and without feeling that I am against you in any way, I think that what I have to share can aid you. However, because you do have a deep sense and belief pattern that says people are not there for you, it will be easy for you to fall into that pattern as you read this and think: "Oh, she's against me," or "she's attacking me." I'm not. I'm on your side, 100%, and all that I will offer here is the stuff that if you have the courage and determination and honesty to face it, will really help you. I can only offer the truth that I get. OK?

So, let's get started.

Well, a couple of times you use the word "ignorant" about people you feel have gone against you, or not given you what you are looking for or need, and this tells me a lot. It tells me about your anger, but it also tells me that you have, as most people do, a belief that it is up to others to make things good for you or give you what you need. When we believe this, we have, in effect, given our power away to someone else, thinking that we can't create what we need and want for ourselves. This untrue belief usually develops because we got very hurt and wounded in our family of origin situation. It is in the family where we are supposed to be loved and cherished enough, treated with enough respect that we learn that we are capable and good people who are able to take care of ourselves - to provide for ourselves what we need, to trust in our ability to handle life. It is where we are supposed to develop good self esteem for ourselves, learning to honor ourselves and to honor others. When a family is dysfunctional, as most are, we get wounded and angry, and we don't feel as if we are good people or have what it takes to create well for ourselves - to create life for ourselves as we want it to be.

For your dad to say that basically a good wife is someone who never complains or asks for more, puts out a red flag for me - because I think that what he was really saying was that his wife, your mother, never had the power to be her own person, and that she was under his thumb, perhaps even very frightened of him and therefore afraid to ask for more or raise her own voice to speak her truth, to voice what she really felt or what she really needed. I think that this is probably true, and if it is, it makes sense to me that that is why you also are having issues dealing with not feeling good enough - with not having power. The energy you saw and absorbed in your family was an energy of no one feeling respected or good enough, and you saw a person, probably your father, probably an angry person who felt worthless deep down, who needed to have control over others, who frightened others with his anger, and a mother who was, in all likelihood, terrified and who had no power of her own.

If your father had really been a strong man, he would not have tried or needed to keep his woman away from him, not bothering him, not having her own voice, not being her own person, because he would have been strong enough in himself, respecting himself enough, to be able to hear different points of view. He would have been able to relate and communicate, kindly and respectfully with others, honoring them and what they had to say, because he honored himself. I don't think he could do this, and so he intimidated your mother and kept her quiet because he didn't have what it took to feel he could deal with life. Also, in all likelihood, your mother came into that relationship already abused and feeling she was worth nothing. so she expected to not be honored or listened to. She kept quiet and tried to stay invisible to stay safe. None of that is at all healthy or has love behind it.

True power is not about having "power over" anyone else. That is being a bully and the truth is that a bully is someone who is deep down very frightened and who feels that they really aren't capable. So, when someone tries to intimidate or have power over another, it is because deep down they are afraid - anger is really only a cover up for fear - like a barking dog who feels trapped in a corner and who barks and seems angry because they are afraid.

I think, Kevin, for you to heal and to get to the bottom of these issues for you, you need to be willing to see what really went on in your family, and to see where it was not coming from love - to see where it was dysfunctional. To undo the patterns we were given that don't work, we can''t just blindly accept them. WE HAVE TO BE WILLING TO INVESTIGATE THEM AND SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY REALLY WERE.

Your mother did not know that it was safe for her to love and care for herself. And maybe your dad didn't know this either. But you can learn this and know that it is safe for you to love and approve of your self. That it is safe for you to care for your self.

There is a lot going on here for you that I think you have come in to learn - it is all about really and truly loving yourself, approving of yourself - when you do, then you can also truly respect and honor others. Right now, it doesn't sound to me that either of those is going on. You are not loving yourself and seeing yourself as a worthy person - which you are - and therefore, that hurt and anger has you not able to treat others with respect. When you put out a barking dog, angry energy at people, what do you think will happen? Even if you are doing it as a way to protect yourself - even if you think it will help keep you safe, it doesn't. They will respond to it usually with anger, or fear, or they will find a way to get that barking dog away from them. When you get to a place WITHIN YOURSELF where you feel safe and honored and loved, you will be able to stop barking and putting out that snarling energy - and when you can do this - this is the journey of learning all about loving yourself and what Love REALLY is - finding your true inner connection to who you truly are - a being of Light - then you will find that it is safe to let go of the anger, and what you will also find is that people will then respond to the light and positive energy you are putting out. The Universe can only give back to you what you show it, what you are putting out - just like a mirror.

Your job here, Kevin, is to find out where that hurt came from for you -- that is what your anger is all about. As you explore this, if you choose to do so, it is very important that you don't blame your parents, or anyone else for how your life has been. So far, right now, that is what you are doing - blaming others for how your life is. If you go that route, you can't heal yourself. We all come into life with lessons we have chosen to learn and things we need to heal. Because you chose the family that you did, they mirrored for you, or reflected for you, the same issues you came in to work on. So, from the get go, your soul knew what it was doing and chose the exact place to go in order to learn these life lessons. When you learn to see the world around you as a mirror for your own inner issues - for what is going on inside of you - you will then be able to take responsibility for what you have created, for what you feel, and only then can you change it. It isn't a journey for the faint hearted. It's like climbing Mt. Everest - but, it's worth it, believe me. Because what you get is freedom - freedom from your own inner prison and the chains that bind you - chains that come from inside of you. Here's some important information about this:

Life lived as THE Victim -- From self-pity to empowerment.
Don't be misled by the name of this archetypal energy. When properly recognized, the lesson of Victim energy can alert you to the possibility that you are about to let yourself be victimized, whether through passivity or inappropriate actions. It can also help you recognize your own tendency to victimize others for personal gain. We need to develop this clarity of insight, however, and that means learning the nature and intensity of the Victim within.

In its shadow manifestation, the Victim tells you that you are always taken advantage of and it's never your fault. We may like to play the Victim at times because of the positive feedback we get in the form of sympathy or pity. Our goal is always to learn how to recognize these inappropriate attitudes in ourselves or others, and to act accordingly. We are not meant to be victimized in life, but to learn how to handle challenges and outrun our fears.

In establishing contact with your own inner Victim, ask yourself:

  • Do I blame others for the circumstances of my life?
  • Do I spend time in the pit of self-pity?
  • Do I envy others who always seem to get what they want out of life?
  • Do I feel victimized by others when situations don't work out the way I wanted them to?
  • Do I tend to feel more powerless than powerful?
  • Do I speak to others in the language of my wounds, aches, and pains, troubles?
  • Do I seek sympathy from others when in conversation?
  • Do I seek to compete or to prove myself?
  • Do I feel that I cannot protect myself very well in life?
  • Do I feel that I cannot get what I need?

The victim archetype is deeply ingrained in all of us. It pervades our mass consciousness at all levels. Could you honestly say that you have never blamed someone else for your lack of happiness? For eons we have been acting out "victimhood" in every aspect of our lives, convincing ourselves that victim consciousness is absolutely fundamental to the human condition and that fear, anger, greed and guilt are the essential components to our survival.

The time has come to challenge that assumption and to ask ourselves two questions. First, what sustains our view of ourselves as victim? Second, how can we transform the self-as-victim archetype so we can have a life based not on fear and greed but on unconditional love and support for each other?

The answer to the first question is relatively clear. The victim archetype is both created and sustained by the Ego - that wholly false belief system that holds that we are separated from God, and that God is angry with us and will one day punish us. The way we think act and feel derives from that one basic idea given to us by early organized religions.

At the level of everyday reality, the victim archetype is woven into the very fabric of life and has been for the last 7,000 years. That's when we began making the transition from small tribal communities based on sharing, cooperation and shared security, to city states and later to nation states. These are based on Competition and separation of groups by class, wealth and other criteria and the rotation of elites. Slavery in one form or another (institutionalized or economic) is a feature of all nation states and there is virtually no shared security. In other words we have created a world of separation, insecurity, mistrust, greed and fear institutionalized into every one of our social systems, including our religions. 9/11 is a stark demonstration of that separation and of the victim/perpetrator archetype in action - just as we have created it.

The second question is more challenging. Changing the social fabric of society will not weaken the victim archetype. It is too ingrained. It will just resurface in a different form. No, to break free from such a powerful archetype, we must replace it with something radically different - something so compelling and spiritually liberating that it magnetizes us away from our well-worn and comfortable addiction to being a victim. That something is Radical Forgiveness. Also known as: "You Create Your Own Reality".

Radical Forgiveness obliterates the belief in separation by taking us beyond the drama and the illusion of our lives and the "stories" we fabricate about virtually everything. It enables us to see the spiritual big picture and to know the truth - that there is only Love.

As we awaken to that truth we shall see the true meaning of our suffering and be able to transform it immediately - releasing the perception of self-as-victim. We will understand that, without exception, everything that happens to us is divinely guided, purposeful and for our spiritual advancement.

We shall see that our experiences are exactly as we needed and chose them to be; that nothing wrong ever took place; that no-one was ever victimized and, consequently, that there is no-one to forgive!

Knowing that our life is guided in this way allows us to find true peace even in the most unpleasant of situations or memories - and we are released from the bondage of the past. Knowing that our enemies really love us (at the soul level) and are here only to teach us, enables our hearts to open in love and appreciation. As the love is felt and expressed, our so-called "problems" simply dissolve and we find ourselves at all times "in the flow" of life.

True forgiveness then, is not as is widely regarded, 'letting bygones be bygones' while holding on to the idea that something wrong happened. It is letting go of our victim selves, seeing the perfection in everything and awakening to the truth that we are already home in God. That's RADICAL Forgiveness and though it is hard to imagine that it can change the world as it is today, the truth is that it can - one heart at a time.

The Victim archetype shifts as we confront that part of our psyches that makes us susceptible to feelings that we cannot protect ourselves in life. The negative traits of the Victim are self-evident. But when properly recognized, it can be a tremendous aid in letting us know when we are in danger of letting ourselves be victimized, often through passivity but also through rash or inappropriate actions. It can also help us to see our own tendency to victimize others for personal gain. In its shadow aspect, the Victim shows us that we may like to play the Victim at times because of the positive feedback we get in the form of sympathy or pity. Our goal is always to learn how to recognize these inappropriate attitudes in ourselves or others, and to act accordingly.

With The Victim, your ability to be all that you can be is undermined due to a loss of power - of giving your power away and not accepting that you are the Creator of your reality: that whatever shows up in your external world as difficult relationships or events is due to patterns of belief and thought forms that you, yourself, still carry within you. No one else can create in your reality but you. Therefore, whatever shows up in your external world is a reflection of something within yourself. No one can take your power away, but you can AGREE to give it away. Check into beliefs you have regarding competitiveness. Do you feel the need to compete or to prove yourself in any way? If so, there may be underlying issues of self worth going on. Do you have any beliefs that it's someone else's fault, or some external situation that has kept you from being all that you can be? If so, take full responsibility, and see what happens!

So, Kevin - I also invite you to read The Laws of the Universe found on this site. I invite you to read it many times until you get an "AHA!" with it, and see how it can change your life for the better.

All of the problems you are having - with your wife, at work, etc. - all are related to this.

See where all of this takes you - my invitation is, be willing to explore this stuff, and if you are really wanting and choosing to heal, the way will open for you - things will come into your life to help you and guide you on your way, as I hope, this has helped you. Ask and ye shall receive. Right?

Many blessings, Ayal

next 424. "Help me rid our house of negativity and change our karma to the positive"

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