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"I feel like I am waiting until I lose weight to live"

Hello, I am very excited to get your input about my situation. I have been gaining weight since my last child 3 yrs ago. Instead of losing the baby weight I have gained 30 more on top of the 80 lbs I gained with my daughter. I used to model and my husband is working in the entertainment industry. I am so ashamed of my appearance that I rarely support him by showing up for his events. I feel like I am waiting until I lose weight to live. I am turning into a real dud. Low energy, etc... I don't even play with my kids much as it seems like work. I want to lose weight but each time I do I panic and put it back on and then some. Can you shed some light on what issues are keeping me so FAT! I work with energy and have cleared countless limiting beliefs. I am now starting to feel like I shouldn't be helping others until I can get it together myself. HELP!!!! What can I do to shift out of this?


Hi - here's what's showing up for you. First of all, there is some denial going on. What you seem to be in denial about is that you are not happy in the family situation right now. And you feel guilty about it. You're not sure that this is what you want to be doing or that it is at all fulfilling to you. So, there is some depression going on because you're not facing this in yourself and dealing with the difficult questions you have about what your life is all about - and there doesn't seem to be meaning in it for you presently.

You are not honoring yourself (3rd chakra issue) or taking responsibility for your happiness - it is your responsibility to be there for yourself first and to be who you are in your fullness in order for life to work for you. That is why you don't want to be there for your kids, and you have a lot of frustration and anger going on. But you don't want to look at that, because you will need to make some big decisions when you do look at it - and again, part of this is that you feel very guilty not wanting to be a mom right now - you think you're "bad" for feeling that way, because a "good mom", you think, ought not to feel that way. Because of this anger and frustration and depression you are feeling, you are hiding from it all by putting on weight. The shame you actually feel is about this issue.

In the family dynamics presently, there is a lack of boundaries going on, and there is a need for logic, order, and structure - but you can't give it because you are not really there, for yourself, and thus not able to be there for others. Check to see if your boundaries are being crossed - by whom and where. Also some controlling energy is showing up. I think you may be feeling controlled by your husband, and perhaps caught in a situation that isn't what you want, regarding family, but you are feeling lost about it all, and perhaps doing what he wants, rather than what you want.

You need to find yourself, and remove, energetically, his energy from your space. The only energy that is supposed to be or can be or must be in your space is YOURS, energetically speaking. Read about cutting cords in the article listed at the end of the home page of this Clearing the Way site.

On the physical level, your PH balance has dropped and needs to be gotten back into a better alkaline form. You're too acidic. Your red blood cells, and so the supply of oxygen to the body is off. If you look at this symbolically, you aren't getting the life force you need - you don't have room to breathe, so to speak, emotionally.

Because of all of this, you are holding your body in what, in Reichian terms, is called the Crisis holding position - you are experiencing some drastic changes here and you are basically in crisis. I think, perhaps, some childhood traumas and deep core issues are getting triggered for you right now, because of what is up for you and going on. Here's info on that:

Crisis Position (pelvic block against opening: issues of contact)
This is what psychoanalysts call the 'hysteric' character; just as 'phallic' comes from the Greek for penis, 'hysteric' comes from the Greek for womb. Again this represents a social reality, for in our culture there is much more scope and acceptance for women in the crisis position than there is for men. All children however, boys as much as girls, have to confront the issues around pelvic opening, which arise when self-assertion begins to encounter the reality of another person, and of the social world.

A fundamental fact about human beings is that they have gender. In our society, gender has a very particular set of meanings attached to it. Saying that someone is a man or a woman, a girl or a boy, is doing much more than stating what is between their legs. It establishes a whole set of expectations about their appearance, their range of movements and sounds, their activities, their attitudes, their personality, their 'nature' - it is not too huge a simplification to say that our society splits the range of human behavior into two halves, allowing one half to males and the other half to females.

We can't go into the possible reasons for this process here, beyond pointing out that most societies, perhaps all, do something like this, though they often give very different contents to the male and female halves. From the point of view of a small child, coming face to face with this reality for the first time, its implications are disastrous.

A little girl, even today, is asked to accept that she is cut off from the world of power and freedom offered to her brother - and usually represented by the father. A little boy is asked to accept that he is cut off from the world of warmth and softness usually represented by the mother (an important way in which this is expressed is that he 'can't have babies'). Each is presented with huge deprivations and huge compensations, but the whole issue is handled indirectly and unexplicitly, and is colored by adults' own, often unconscious distress about gender.

The issue is also tied up, both developmentally and by its nature, with that of opening up to loving and pleasurable contact other human beings. The self-asserting little child focuses its erotic energy on the close adults around, usually its parents. The parents themselves have succumbed to gender roles, and are openly or unconsciously telling the child to conform. They do this at the same time as, and partly through, openly or unconsciously reacting to the child's intense sexual energy, either pushing it away or encouraging it - often both at once!

One powerful way of describing all this is to use Freud's term, the 'Oedipus Complex'. This focuses on the issues of power, possession and jealousy in the classic nuclear family. It describes very real events, though in a way that does not sufficiently question gender stereotyping or bring out the underlying issues of social conformity. This is the point at which the child is about to emerge into the social world; its acceptance of gender conventions, and all the subtle seductions and abuses which they imply, is the price of entry.

It's no surprise that a child faced with these vast ramifications, with this elaborate combination of carrot and big stick, will generally react with some degree of panic. The core of this will be what we can describe as 'biological' panic, a response to the opening-up of energy that accompanies the 'first puberty' at around five or six. This involves an increase in charge, similar to that of the teenage 'second puberty', of which anyone will be aware who is around young children with open eyes.

Surrender to pleasure, to the streaming of energy in our bodies, is for almost all of us accompanied by anxiety and fear. We want to open, yet are desperately scared to, Instead we react with some version of freezing or exploding, fighting or fleeing, under- or over-activity; with a frantically erotic style of being (the yearning block) or with retreat, denial of sexual feeling altogether.

For a very large number of children, this natural response gets very much amplified by the interference of adult sexuality. The innocent erotic energy of children at this age can produce sexual excitement in a lot of grown-ups whose own sexual development has been damaged. We are finding out in this decade just how many children have been sexually abused by adults, often during this first puberty but sometimes much earlier. The natural anxiety of opening-up then becomes a fully-fledged panic, as the, child is forced to deal with experiences that are wholly inappropriate for them.

This adult invasion can take very subtle forms as well: it is often an atmosphere of flirting and seductiveness, rather than any overt physical act. The child knows in her bodymind what is going on, but has no way of verbalizing it even to herself. Both physical and emotional interference plug into the general sexual violence' of the situation - the child is being pressurized in many ways to fit his or her erotic energy into the straitjacket of socially accepted gender roles.

The 'crisis character' is a component in all of us, though usually stronger in those who have had to deal with a heavier dose of sexual abuse, physical or emotional (the holding and boundary positions seem the other response to abuse). As we have said, its main tactics are freezing or exploding - opposite ways of trying to flee an intolerable excitement

These responses generally get submerged in children. After the flurry of sexual charge and interest at about five, six or seven, they enter a 'latent phase' of apparent asexuality (in our culture at least) until puberty recurs in the form of physical sexual maturity. But the sexual attitudes which then emerge are essentially re-emerging: they were formed during the 'first puberty', on the basis of how the child's already existing character armor confronted the issue of pelvic opening in the context of adult sexual pressure.

In adults, the crisis position tends to sexualize every issue because it is tied to a development phase which is itself sexual. The process is often unconscious, but it can be very obvious to other people as a sort of continual seductiveness in the person's behavior and body language, or conversely as an 'uprightness', an extraordinary heightened sensitivity to sexual implications which makes one scared of offending them with quite innocent remarks. Both attitudes can even appear in the same person at the same time.

It's clear that these are attitudes traditionally validated in women, either separately or in combination: the virgin and the vamp. They mask panic, and represent an inability to surrender to deep sexual feelings for fear of being overwhelmed and losing control (which may literally have happened in childhood abuse). At the same time, there is a strong need for sexual contact, so there is often a teasing, flirting tone, not necessarily conscious - an exaggeration of healthy playfulness, 'sexiness', foreplay, dressing up, dancing. all sorts of creative and enjoyable behavior which is 'sexy but not sex'. What's missing is relaxation and commitment: the opening block sets up a constant yes/no/yes/no pattern, again traditionally seen as 'feminine'.

But men are as likely as women to occupy the crisis position - perhaps more often in a pseudo-thrusting form. The yearning version will thus be an ersatz macho posturing. all leather and heavy metal, while the denying form might be hysterical puritanism. The only socially viable way for men to express the full crisis character is in the gay subculture.

What makes the crisis position recognizable is its air of panic, of high charge. Everything is life or death. There is often either a theatrical exaggeration to the person's style, or a deathly stillness which is equally theatrical. The body type that develops with a strong crisis position is less clearly defined than in some other cases, but in one way or another it tends to give a strongly sexual impression, which may be attractive or repulsive - or both - to other people. Crisis characters often stir people up, this being their unconscious intention as a way of sharing the panic around, camouflaging their own terror and excitement.

We can think of the energy in a crisis character slopping around the body looking for some other lodging apart from the genitals; any other form of excitement is preferable, safer. So the crisis character mimics all the other character positions - which can be very confusing for therapists! In particular, someone deeply involved in the crisis position often comes over at first as a vulnerable 'schitzy, boundary character. In fact crisis characters are quite tough, though they may not feel it There is a special relationship between these two extremes of the character range, of head and tail, and energy can swing powerfully between them.

The underlying strength and resilience often gives people the idea that a crisis character is 'pretending', could 'pull themselves together if they just made an effort'. In a sense they are pretending, but the pretense is an involuntary reaction to deep panic. The panic is completely rational in origin: dangerous and scary things did happen. Freud worked with extreme crisis characters who experienced 'hysterical paralysis' with no physical causation: a pretense in one sense, but outside any willed control or awareness. Often, though, the game-playing is both conscious and unconscious: panic and anxiety fog the ability to look coolly at what one is really doing. It can be amazing how a crisis character in a state of chaos can 'snap out of it' when asked.

Yet crisis characters can play games for very high stakes. Living permanently on their nerves and by their wits, out on the edge, they develop a strange sort of coolness. Like combat veterans, someone constantly in the crisis position learns to live with terror. It is likely that almost everyone who works in a directly life-threatening occupation is either a thruster, testing and proving themselves, or a crisis character fueled by their own panic.

It is when we are occupying the crisis position that we tend to create bodily expressions of our conflicts: the well-known 'hysterical symptoms' which mimic physical illness to act out an emotional state. Yet is there a real distinction? More and more we see all physical illnesses as the expression of a conflict, a life crisis which is potentially healing. Perhaps crisis characters, with their penchant for melodrama and stageyness, are simply the ones who get caught at it - accidentally-on-purpose!

There are many attractive and creative features in the crisis character. Perhaps the most obvious is their sexiness, but more generally there is their fun and excitement, the lively energy and 'game-for-anything' attitude, together with the subtle and perceptive understanding of roles and rules (the better to break them). These qualities contribute a great deal of spice to life.

Perhaps the greatest contribution of the crisis attitude in us all is its refusal of patriarchy, and of the gender roles forced on us. Crisis characters may find some weird and exotic modes of rebellion, but rebel they do! At root, what they are demanding is very simple: the right to choose. To choose what sort of sexual contact they have; to choose to be playful and childlike, not always urgent and direct; above all, to choose not to be abused.

This is the hardest position to act out, but try the following: A stands still, breathing into their pelvis with the emphasis on breathing out, while B alternates between trying to attract them - 'Come here', 'I want you', 'Aren't you sweet' etc. - and rejecting them once they respond: 'No, no', 'Not like that', 'Come on, that's enough'. A, try to let your whole body really respond to each message; B, let yourself be fully seductive, and then switch into complete coldness. After a while, make contact with each other before you switch roles.

You may find that, after reading this, some powerful issues come up for you. You may want to get some therapeutic help - some support, therapeutically speaking (of YOUR choice, that feels good to YOU), to help you navigate through this difficult stuff.

This crisis holding position in some ways correlates to 2nd chakra issues. You are needing to get this chakra back in balance and give it some protection. The 2nd chakra deals with sexuality and the giving and receiving of pleasure on all levels - your quality of giving and receiving is off The 2nd chakra is all about self empowerment. Read up about it in the article listed at the end of the home page on this site, and check out also, the box that says empowerment, and answer the questions posed there. You are actually needing to close this chakra. To do this, you can close the chakra by moving a feather or rattle around it in a clockwise motion, 4 times. I'd do this twice within a 2 day period of time.

To help heal anger, you can visualize yourself holding a vase or jar of liquid blue light. Mentally scan your body for redness. Whenever you see or feel redness, pour the watery energy over it.

There is also some sort of some psychic attack going on toward you. Does that resonate with you? Has there been someone in the family sending you negative vibes? If so, To heal the effects of a psychic attack, do the following prayer:

"Archangel Raphael, please enter my body and heal any imbalances and impurities that may have come from thoughts of anger or fear. Archangel Michael, please clear away anyone in the spirit world or material world who is not in the highest and best good of myself. To the guardian angels of _____________ (person who did the psychic attack) who psychically attacked me, I ask that you help to bring harmony and peace to this situation and to replace all pain with peace. I ask that all effects of mistakes and issues creating the attack that were made be undone in all directions of time, by and for everyone concerned. Thank you."
That's enough for now.

Blessings, Ayal

next 412. "I fear that I will be left alone with nothing but pain to keep me company"

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