"I fear that I will be left alone with nothing but pain to keep me company"
Let me first make a note to you of how your answers in regards to having "fibromayalgia" truly and deeply affected me. I am in the same boat as it were. My mornings consist of what number on the pain scale I will be today. This has been the dictator of my days and how much I am able to do on a daily basis. I am only 29, on disability, I have been diagnosed with everything from narcolepsy to spondylolisthesis and cyclothymic depression. I am a nurturer by nature (being a Pisces only accentuates this) but although I grew up too fast it was not from emotional dysfunction that existed, but from the fact that my mother was unusually sick with more "rare and unusual" conditions than I have by far, brought on by a bite from a tetsy fly infected with horse encephalitis which she in turn contracted that caused her to sleep unbeknownst for a solid week and left her with severe epilepsy.
As you described the Whinnie the Pooh characters I couldn't help but envision my old room, now "the Pooh room," in the house that my parents have lived happily for over 35 years and I myself grew up in. My mother is "Pooh". Pregnazone has deteriorated her soft tissues drastically and poisoned her system. She lives in incredible pain every day but rarely complains and continues to be my most valued support system and friend as well as a very warm and unconditionally loving mother. We both lightheartedly refer to dad as "Eeyore" as he never seems to see the good side of anything.
My childhood was spent nurturing mom. I had an especially large burden of house work as my mom was very sick but very much a neat nick and it had to always be spotless. I learned to please her at a very early age. Teen years were rough, but now we find each other's viewpoints invaluable. The only thing I cannot seem to understand is why between the two of us we draw in so many negative, and pessimistic people into our lives. Our time together is energizing her and I, but I can't help (especially after reading your excerpts) thinking that our pain is from all their negativity. Are people like my dad a major factor?
I've been married and divorced twice. I'm too young to have lived so fast, so shallowly and so unsatisfactorily. My "friends" only existed when I was necessary as a resource for them. So I'd decided to get rid of my toxins. I am left to an occasional friend that checks on me from time to time. He is very like my mom and I. Then my "confused" married boyfriend (I guess, who's trying to still get a signature from an unrelenting soon to be ex-wife, hopefully), who also rebounded to a girl with the same birth year and similar wicked/cruel attributes, who can't seem to feel deserving of the happiness he announces to have when sharing my company. Mind you I have lived in this love quadrangle for almost a year now. He just lost his six year job, and continues to argue when I try to offer my home to share with him, money or help or anything. He refuses to take it. He thinks I will tire of him and look elsewhere. Only when I helped him at his mom's with a yard sale and creatively snuck money in did he take it unbeknownst of its origin to pay pending bills. We are both highly compatible, as I am a research fanatic desperately searching for the answers to the why of how people interact on all levels. I have delved into all manner of tools from tarot cards to palm (so many compatible and similar markings it's scary) to numerology, astrology, self help, you name it, everything screams "good idea".
My father married my mother because of her astrological signs. As I felt this was seemingly fickle I lived to prove its inaccuracy, by dating and marrying all the wrong types. Then I decide to quit justifying incompatibles and date with astrology freshly in mind. So then I grabbed Tony, who was at the time getting the last bit of his stuff Out of his rebound girlfriends house. He is a giver and a nurturer like me and Ed (my other friend). It is kind of funny to note that I am a Pisces, Ed is Cancer married to a Pisces with a Pisces son and a Cancer daughter, and Tony my confused lover/friend/whatever is Scorpio. Lots of emotion here people. Drama Drama Drama. Only I'm a bad actress, and I don't guess well, and I naively trust that he has my best interest at heart when he finally does come around (which only works out to 2 times a week).
I fear over the next five years when my mother may very possibly pass on to the next plane, as you will, and Tony still stagnates in his own state of indecisive, "undeserving feeling" cesspool, that I will ultimately be left alone with nothing but my pain scale for the day to keep me company. The people I recently deleted from my life depleted my reserves so badly I truly have no interest in befriending anyone for a long time.
I practice positive affirmations regularly and try to teach the coping skill to my ten year old son and Tony the best I can. But their "It's gotta be a bad turnout cause it's always a bad turnout" attitudes defeat my attempts at such beneficial tactics every time. I practice "the white light" meditations regularly and I take time to breath. I have even successfully done past life regression therapy. Right now though I can't seem to heal myself or anyone. Whatever rides my back, whatever dark cloud follows me, don't you maybe have any really tough, super duty clearing methods for the few like me that have exceptionally stubborn skeletons that just happen to be fully aware of "squatter's law"?
Him and his situation breaks my heart daily. Why he doesn't feeling deserving fits right in with the context of what you wrote to Cindy in reply. What can I do to help us both clean our spiritual slates, so I can attempt to regain some of my health back, and him some of his self-worth so we can grow together as a healthy decided couple? If I have sent you too much I am sorry, but my life is all about spiritual awareness. I only hope I have given you a clear enough bird's eye view to accurately assist me in my dilemma and hopefully others out there that have just as stubborn skeletons as me. If you have taken the time to read this I thank you, I don't know who you are, but I know your words that touched me and gave me a deep twinge of bittersweet emotional pain. I only just typed in the search screen "too young for pain" it brought me first thing to you and Pooh and Tigger and Eeyore. Angels are out there, I thank God for this. I'm glad they brought me to this page so I could write to you. I do declare, I almost feel better already.
God bless and may Spirits Caress
Hi - well, all of this can be summed up pretty briefly. I hear how much pain and difficulty you are in, and I feel for you and hope that this answer will help guide you on the track to resolve much of that. So, here goes: Although you spoke of how much research you have done about why things are the way they are, you never once mentioned looking within yourself to see how your OWN energy creates the dysfunctions and illnesses in your life. Everything was outer and externally based - you spoke so much about your boyfriend and his confusion, how his situation "breaks your heart". You spoke of astrology, other people, and their negativity. You spoke a lot about everything else, but frankly, you have missed the whole point of my answers to others, dear one - and that is, your pain and issues and life situations come from YOUR OWN internal landscape - it comes from no other place then your own beliefs and thought forms and emotions. Until you take responsibility for that, for yourself and what you create and believe, nothing will heal or change for you.
In effect, you have presented yourself as the perfect victim - it's the classic Cinderella story, only the fairy godmother is no one else and can never be anyone else other then yourself - you spoke of having to help others, being used by others - how other people break your heart and "do it to you", how you have to endure their negativity and stuff, in other words -and your entire life has consisted of this sort of thing - but never once did you speak of you taking responsibility for what you bring to you. What WOULD bring these situations and people into your life? How come you end up playing the martyr and giving giving giving but still not having things work out for you? Any surprises here that then you feel worn out and exhausted and ill? You are choosing, and have chosen, whether consciously or unconsciously, somewhere along the way, to come from being the essential victim.
You probably, I'm sure, came in with this issue, to work it out, and with your mom suffering as she did, and your dad also being an Eeyore, you were surrounded by victims, which was a reflection of your own life lesson and the same energy you came in to hopefully transform. Time to undo this core belief if you want your life to be different. Check out how to do this in The Laws of the Universe found on this site. Reading that info (many times!) will help shed a lot of light on this for you.
Also, check out the answer to the previous question listed on the site. It's all about victim energy. There is a lot of information out these days about how we create our own reality and about being the victim. It will be important for you to look at this if you want to have a different sort of life experience. Your problems do not come from any other person, place or thing. It's not about anybody or anything else. It's all about what energy YOU carry within yourself. That is what the Universe brings back to you, and can only bring to you. It is only a mirror of yourself. That is a gift, so you can see yourself, as we do when we check ourselves out in a mirror, and then you do what you need to do to shift it. If you don't look in the mirror, how then can you see what you need to do to rearrange yourself? No one can break your heart or bring you pain or make you give give give to them unless you allow them to, agree to it, and choose to feel pain. It's always YOUR choice what you feel and what you choose to do. No one else can climb into your body and "Make" you feel something or break your heart. It's always your choice, and up to YOU, what you agree to. If you choose to feel pain, over and over again, then your body will get ill. If you blame that pain on others, you will never see that you yourself chose to feel that way. How then, can your body heal itself?
But if you choose the road of self awareness, I believe that you can heal.
In re-reading your letter, a few more things came up that I wanted to share with you.
The first is that there's a glandular imbalance going on for you. Something is also going on in your large intestine and bladder. You have a lot of lowered resistance going on, and your immune system needs to be built up. The immune system stays healthy when a person lives in a state of joy. It gets ill when there is a lot of gloom in one's energy field. Your challenge, then, energetically, is to create joy. When you spoke of your fear of being alone, that spoke volumes to me. Look at the word alone. It can be separated into "All one". The person you have the deepest relationship with, whom you are with all the time, who you spend your entire life with and who you need to enjoy the most, is YOURSELF. This is what you are not doing. As I mentioned above, you are looking everywhere but within yourself for your happiness. You are dependent upon others for that, at this point, and to be well and fulfilled and happy, that must shift, big time.
There is a great story about George Bernard Shaw, the famous writer, who was once at a party, and the hostess came up to him and asked him if he were enjoying himself. He replied: "Madam, that is all that I am enjoying." Although this is a bit arrogant and unkind, nevertheless, if one takes away the arrogance, he spoke an essential truth. Whose company you are here to enjoy, and love, first and foremost, and be most comfortable with, is and must be, yourself.
Because you have so much fear, your kidneys also need support and help. I invite you to go to a good naturopathic doctor, and have these areas checked out for you. A good detoxification program would be excellent for you. You have built up a lot of toxic energy both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
The stomach deals with the ability to discern, choose, digest, and assimilate life's experiences - recognizing what is beneficial and what is not. In this area we hold onto toxic emotions and it is where we hold the energy of feeling we have been used unjustly. So many of your physical problems are here because you are not clear in yourself. For instance, when you asked me how to help you and your "sort of" boyfriend (although I don't see that he is truly a boyfriend - again it sounds as if he is someone you have attracted to yourself to feel victimized by) again you settle for this out of your deep fears that you can't do any better and that you must serve him and take care of him or you will be left alone and no one will love you. This is NOT coming from a place of loving or valuing yourself.
What I want to point out here is that it is not up to you to get him better or heal him or even ask how to heal him. That is up to him. But you do so because, it seems to me, that you are so desperate to feel loved and feel safe that your asking for HIM comes from that need. What would happen if you loved yourself so much that you didn't feel that you had to fix anyone or take care of them or they wouldn't love you? What if you felt so safe within yourself that whatever anyone else did, you could step back and still feel fine in yourself - knowing it had nothing to do with you? What happens for you is that you are still so desperate for someone else to validate and love you that as soon as they have an issue or an energy that may be a bit off, you think it is because you haven't done something right or good enough - and then you get anxious and jump in and try to control it. In other words, you try to try to fix them or the situation, because you think it's your fault, and the terror deep inside is that you believe that you can just never do it good enough to be loved. But all of this stress that created your pain comes from you because you still do not love and feel safe with yourself. You don't trust yourself, and because of this deep, deep fear you live in, of not trusting that you are ever good enough, you try to control the dynamics of your physical environment - the situations and people around you. Taking care of them is one way to do this. And that exhausts you and creates illness.
You must cultivate a secure in yourself, deep inner detachment that allows others to do what they do and be where they are without your anxiety rushing in - rather than being so attached to and caught up in needing others to make you feel as if you are worth anything. You have put your spirit, in other words, poured it into others and are begging them to give it back to you in the form of love and acceptance, and if they are not clear either, then you rush in to try to fix them so that you can finally get that love from them and feel safer around them. But then what you have created is your energy being outside of yourself - you have no energy within yourself to take care of yourself and heal. Only YOU can give that love and acceptance to yourself.
Until you get in touch with this energy, this terror you feel will remain. It's a terror of feeling or being annihilated: the belief that you are so unworthy of anything causes this fear of annihilation to be very present in you. It gets activated when you get anxious because you think others don't love you or are not there for you. That is your fear of being alone. You will most likely stay caught in this loop until you can truly love and value yourself, and release this energy of terror that is deeply ingrained within you.
Because you do not have the protection of self love around you, you ARE more open to psychic attacks from others, and you do absorb their negative energy because you have put your energy into them, and are thus connected to them in an inappropriate way. To help with this you can say the following prayers, although the most important thing, of course, is to change your energy toward yourself - to protect yourself by deeply loving and trusting yourself. When you don't trust and love yourself, how then, can you trust and love God, or Spirit, since they are One and the same? How can you trust that all is working out and will be ok? Trusting Self, then, equals living in a state of health, or wellness, knowing that all is well. And since All is One, then there is true connectedness in being alone, or All One with yourself.
To heal the effects of a psychic attack:
Visualize yourself standing in a tube of pink light that surrounds you like a wall of light. (about 12 inches away from your body, completely surrounding you). The pink light is alive and it emanates strong, loving energy - like a sun giving off strong rays of light. The pink light sends strong love inwardly to you and also sends strong love outwardly to anyone you meet. Nothing but love can penetrate this wall of pink light that surrounds you now.