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"My financial situation feels like an open wound that doesn't heal"

Dear Ayal,

Thanks to your and Alcoholics Anonymous help i have been clean and sober for 19 months. I have started a relationship with a friend i knew for 8 years and always wanted to meet and be intimate with. She is 8 months pregnant. I have started work on the 12 steps with the guidance of a handful of sponsors in AA. I have 3 sponsors, two men and a woman. I am honest with these people and i tell them stuff that i think bears relevance with their experience and they enlighten me on the AA programme. When i am in distress with my partner, and i was frequently in the beginning, i can get a different view from my female and from my male sponsor, and i start to see whole. I am committed to this relationship, although i haven't slept with any other partners i cannot let go of the thought that given the right circumstance i would, if it wouldn't hurt my partner, and that could only happen if i kept it to myself. The 9th step is concerned with the hurt we have done other people and our amends, but we cannot tell stuff that would hurt or injure them or others. I don't know if my self is setting me up for some fiasco here or whether i can just relax and let life happen, if that means an encounter with someone it's fine, otherwise i fantasize some degree, but i don't try to set a train of events in motion that would get me into a situation by my own plan.

My work has dried out and i am in financial dire straits, Together, my partner and i started a small business selling drinking water filters and energizers and ecological / organic products, but buyers are few and prudent, there's a recession on the way here in Berlin. My job in the film industry has brought on a work offer for 2 months which i turned down, because i felt the offer was bad and somehow they wanted me to work unsociable hours for less pay and exploit me, i didn't want to go down that road and hoped i would be offered a job that i would feel good about and where my skills and experience could be of maximum use and also be honored financially with a normal rate. So far i have been out of work for 5 months and now it's getting me to a point where i had to have a serious word with my creator, but i am the creator of this surely. Only that i don't see my part, i ran my decision past my sponsor and told him my heart feelings and he supported my decision. Now i am in a state of doubting my decision and feeling bad that i have not yet "scored" any realistic source of income and my daughter is being born in about 5 weeks. Maybe i need to start on my step 8 list of people i have harmed, but i am having a crisis about trusting god to support me physically, financially, etc. I feel that i am given a rough deal, and that's what they say about the alcoholic - that he feels like that unnecessarily. I feel like i want to cry and i feel helpless.

I feel i have given my best and been a great light in my recovery, i have started to take responsibility for my actions, i am in harmony with my partner and that I have a good foundation in AA. I know that there is so much i can be grateful for today - but still i am disheartened.

What is this all about ? I feel i am lost to any conviction at all. I am a strong believer of win-win situations and I DO have problems letting other people win, when they have misbehaved in my eyes or when they are getting material success with being dishonest. When I was drinking I was making money !!!! What is this law of the universe that gives the self-destructive the means to destroy himself and the recovering alcoholic a hard time in finance.

Tomorrow I could be on a market selling my water filters again. I feel that it hasn't worked and something is telling me to do it anyway. Even when I make a loss, we'll be fed and clothed.

Ayal - I have the desire to come and live in California - a fellow alcoholic offered me to live on his houseboat in SF and I would like to start with coming to LA in September to look for work in the film industry. I am daring enough to do so and I am praying for the funds. I feel that California is good for me and my family. Prayer after prayer for what I want, I am so sick of praying for what I need and forget what I have completely. But looking in the mirror of my finance it feels like an open wound that doesn't heal.

Am I beating myself up with this situation ? - I can't understand God here at all. Am I subconsciously a loser ? I long to live in abundance and I feel I am in the wrong place totally - in Germany - I lived here 23 years and I lived in the UK and both aren't doing me any good.

They say we tell GOD our plan to make him laugh. Surely this must be so with my plans and designs for living. They are not working !!!!


Hi - Well, the first thing that showed up was that it would be good for you to have some sessions, if possible, doing Emerson birth work or holotropic breathwork. You can find both of these on the web. I understand that money is an issue for you right now, but money is a symbol for self worth, and for faith in the flow of life. Since you are struggling with this right now, that says to me that your issues are very much tied into your own ability to trust your own worthiness and the flow of life. Think of money as the blood of the Universe. One doesn't have to DO anything to have it: it is a given already. It is the flow of energy in the body that is already there, carrying whatever you need to keep you well and healthy to different parts of your body. We don't even think about it. It is just THERE, a gift from God doing exactly what we need for it to be doing to take care of us, right? When you can see life this way, then you are also in the flow of that trust and that abundant energy.

You are about to become a father, and I am sure that that has triggered for you old family issues. A first chakra, or root chakra issue showed up that has to do with family security and group safety. Since you did not feel safe growing up in your family, or possibly valued or supported in your family, establishing a family of your own is bound to bring up deep feelings of insecurity and self worth. What I invite you to do is sit in meditation with these feelings, and let them flow out of you, without judging them or getting caught up in them. In this life, you were not given a strong foundation of safety and security in your family because your lesson is to learn to create that FOR YOURSELF. Your challenge in this life is to meet the world with courage, strength, and vigor. To do this, you need to be able to cultivate some qualities within yourself. They are:

1) To develop an Open Heart. You have developed up to now, an overhardening of emotions and attitudes. What this has created in you is a kind of dry, over intellectualism and an Overstrictness with Self. You are caught in being too remorseless or hard on yourself, and if you are that way toward yourself, you will greet the world that way too. If you are dry and unloving toward the world, that, in turn, will be what you get back, as the outer world can only mirror back to you what is going on INSIDE OF YOU. If you want a flow with life, and abundance, then you must be fluid and juicy with the joy and richness of life, and caring and open toward others. If you are hard and strict and remorseless, how can the world or others feel safe or reach out, give to you, or get through to you? It would be like trying to bite into a hard piece of bread. So, your job is to soften - to open your heart and develop Love and compassion for yourself. In that way, you will touch others, and they will respond in kind. That is how abundance gets created. Perhaps your family related to you in this harsh way, but now it is up to you to transform that.

You tend to be head strong and resist change. What is interesting is that even though being head strong is showing up for you, you tend to lack discipline. That is why, I think, you are fantasizing about cheating on your partner. They are, in a way, 2 sides of the same coin. If you are too hard on yourself, then you will feel trapped. Then you will rebel and want to give in to things because you will feel denied and deprived, and you will want to "treat yourself" or go on a binge of some kind to make up for the hardness and harshness you live in. That is why finding the balance here is so important. Otherwise, you will be on an up and down roller coaster ride, and think that life is being too hard on you. But, in reality, it is you who has been too hard on yourself. You have judged yourself too harshly. Would you yell at a toddler for falling down when they are trying to learn how to walk, or call it a "loser"? I don't think so. You need to give yourself the same love and patience and caring that you would give to that child who is trying to learn to walk - in every moment.

And along those lines, if you choose to sabotage your relationship now with the mother of your child, by wanting to have an affair, then you will be destroying the security you are building - since you have an issue of feeling insecure, doing that would come from that old energy - you would then in all likelihood lose your relationship as well as any good feelings you are building about yourself - so why hurt yourself that way? You would then only continue to create non security and lose your grounding. In other words, the energetic pattern of not feeling secure is like a current pulling at you - you need to release that energy and belief that you are not safe or secure. Otherwise you yourself will continue to create situations that undermine your security and mirror that energy back to you - including your situation with your finances. What would it feel like to know that you ARE secure and taken care of, just like knowing that you have all the strong, rich blood that you need in your body? Focus on THAT feeling as often as you can and let it fill you up!

You would also be operating out of the old pattern of disappointment that you found in your family... The issue of NOT loving or feeling loved and supported, of not being able to trust them to love you, and if you operate out of that pattern, you will undermine the place where there IS love. Right? There is an issue of being inconsiderate showing up for you. If you are inconsiderate toward others, then that will get in the way of you opening your heart and having a flowing, abundant connection with life. If you live from a place of consideration to others, that opens the way for life to be considerate toward you. Right? Do you see this? If you see the larger picture, then you are not simply focusing on you and your own needs and emotions - when you focus on that too much, that makes you out of balance. It is therefore important to see the larger picture and work for a goal that means something to you. I think doing the water filters is a good thing. That is right livelihood, and serves and cares for others in a good way.

As you develop these qualities in yourself, whether or not you move to California won't really matter. You could if you want to, but you would be happy and creating abundantly wherever you are. Remember, you are the Creator of your life. The question always is: "Who do I want to be in life?" And "What would Love do here?" When you come from that energy, then life will mirror that back to you, wherever you are. Then you are not escaping to somewhere out of desperation or unhappiness or a sense of failure being where you are, or because you feel it has been too hard for you, or ungiving. YOU will create that giving-ness to others and to yourself wherever you are, because wherever you go, that is what YOU ARE. It is up to you to love and take care of yourself.

It isn't about praying to the Universe to help you or give you abundance. It's about praying that you be supported and guided to change these patterns in yourself. As a support for this heart healing, it would be beneficial for you to order and use an Aura-Soma product, the Maha Chohan quintessence, it is called the Great Teacher, and it encourages the positive qualities and helps in the release of feelings that need to be expressed This can be ordered at

It would also be good for you to place your palms together and make a cup shape around your heart, placing your hands over your heart in this way, with eyes closed, three times a day for 2 months, and say:

"My heart is enough." Stay that way for a at least 3 minutes, feeling this, and allowing your heart to open.

To also help with this, I invite you to do the following prayer. This will allow you to cut any cords that are holding you to old energy patterns or people. I'd do this twice a day for 6 weeks:

"Mother-Father God and Holy Spirit: disconnect any energy connections from me to others and from others to me. Also, disconnect any energy connections from me to any patterns, beliefs, thought forms, or emotions that create a lack of compassion and that create my heart being closed. Thank you."

I would also ask for, affirm, and vision that your skeletal system be strengthened, as this is a first chakra issue of support: the foundation that supports the rest of your being. Some dietary foods and supplements to take that would be good for you: Canteloupe and pink grapefruit - eat each 3 times a week for 5 weeks and then twice a week after that Choline - for basic nutrition Natural beta carotine Mixed fiber supplement Vitamin B6 Pantethine for inflammation

You can also say, four times a day for 6 weeks:

"All places in my mind, body, and life are healing now."

2) You are needing to develop the ability to see the larger pattern of life - which again has to do with trust and faith. Focusing in meditation at the spiritual eye at the center of the forehead, with eyes closed, for 10 minutes twice a day, for 6 weeks, and asking to see this and understand the larger picture will be a good thing for you to do. Just focus gently there and let that open as it will. To help with this, I invite you to say this twice a day for 4 weeks:

"I sponsor myself to the Creator, the Cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have the re-fill of the Creator's consciousness and energies: the following channels, connections, fully opened and optimized: soul levels 1, 2, and 3 energies."

3) Although you want things to be better, what is acting against this is that there is an issue operating for you that says: "I want to stay the way I am." Maybe this is because, if you have issues of security, it is frightening to change. Trust that you can change and evolve safely into whatever you choose. All you will actually be doing is changing into WHO YOU REALLY ARE ANYWAY! Again, this is an issue of trusting life, God, whatever you want to call it - and allowing life to flow and transform, knowing that you are taken care of. It is the God in you Loving you when you love and take care of yourself! Even if your family of origin could not do a good job of taking care of you, that does not mean that Life works that same way. All it means is that they did not yet know how to be in harmony with the true flow of life - they did not yet know how to open their hearts. But you can choose to learn to do this.

You also do not need to continue the energetic pattern of disappointment. Let that go. It's only a false belief, a pattern of energy you got stuck in. As you release this attachment or belief in disappointment, things will change for you, in all areas.

To help release the issue of Disappointment - place your forefingers at the top of your hairline at the sides of your head, one on each side, and rub down to the tip of your eyebrow closest to your nose, in a diagonal line. Continue to rub diagonally down from hairline to eyebrow tip until you feel a shift in this belief in disappointment - you might yawn or sigh or take a deep breath. I'd do this whenever this feeling of disappointment shows up. Feel the energy of it as you rub diagonally.

You are also needing to pull all the facets of your Being into a Whole - to not be split into different aspects. To do this, I would say this three times a day for the next 3 years:

"I am the only me there is. I am not divided into parts. And there is only one vibration - Love."

An issue of believing that you are Useless showed up. That is a false belief. But if you continue to carry it, it will sabotage your efforts to succeed. Use the formula to change a core belief in the Laws of the Universe found on the Clearing the Way site to transform this. Work with this until you sense a good shift.

Blessings - and congratulations on becoming a father!


next 394. "Is there something I am 'meant' to do? How do I find it?"

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