"I have achieved sobriety but something within me keeps me from going on with life"
Hi Ayal, I enjoy your website, and your clarity on issues is amazing. I also admire your communication skills. As a writer, you are able to address the issue in question so clearly. Thanks.
My question is regarding possible grief and its affect on my life today. At age 23, I lost my 5 month old daughter to SIDS. The years since her death, I have started over, and over. Jobs have been left, classes attended etc. I recently finished 8 months of school, only to become depressed after it was over and I am currently finally looking for a job.
I have had 2 children after my daughter died, both who live with their dad. Today, I am 8 days short of being one year clean and free of drugs, alcohol, and I want to achieve some serenity in my life - something within me keeps me back in time, from going on with life. I want to keep on striving forward, rather than get so far and take such a long break. Despite of the issue, I am very pleased of my achievement of maintaining my sobriety. I know this will give me a chance. I want to go on with my life. Thanks for any advice you may have.
Hi and thanks for writing in... I also want to commend you on your sobriety. Good work. I know that that involves great commitment and determination. OK. Here goes. Well, what is showing up first is your 1st chakra, or root chakra, located at the end of the tailbone, or coccyx needs to be healed. You are ungrounded, and feeling uprooted, and your will to live got wounded. The way you balance the energies of the body through chakra clearing is to sit down each day for perhaps 15 minutes, in a quiet space, with eyes closed, as you would sit quietly in prayer or meditation, breathing slowly and deeply until you are very calm and relaxed. When you are relaxed, focus on the area at the base of your spine, and visualize a beautiful, glowing, fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light filling up that area. You ask that this chakra be restored 100% to perfect health, form, and functioning - that whatever needs to be restored, be restored, and whatever needs to be corrected be corrected, and whatever needs to be released is released. When you have finished visualizing and being with this light, send it three feet down into the earth.
The next thing that is showing up for you is "TRUST YOUR SOURCE". There are three difficulties that can get in the way of trusting our source. The first is DEFENSE - being defensive, which is actually self doubt. The second is BEING IN DENIAL, and the third is REBELLIOUSNESS. I think that you have been operating out of rebelliousness, which in a way is saying my way or the highway, and actually comes from feeling helpless. When one feels helpless, they often move into despair, as you did. Often too, that anger at feeling helpless gets turned upon themselves, into self punishing behavior, as yours did. It is really important for you to get that there is NEVER any reason or need to judge yourself harshly - or to judge yourself AT ALL. We're aspects of God. Divine Intelligence made manifest in form.
Look at it this way, if God is the ocean, or sunshine, do we stand in front of a ray of sunlight, or stand in front of the ocean and judge it and say it isn't good enough, or that it's doing something wrong? No. Of course not. The same is true of the way to look at yourself. Your self evaluation of yourself (a 6th chakra issue, located at the spiritual eye in the center of the forehead, or pituitary gland - how you see life) has been off. Critical blame and Judgment is NOT Love. And Love is all there is. So, it makes sense to me that when a person moves into a vacuum, into a place of NOT LOVE, they have cut themselves off from source, or from who they really are, and, feeling this vacuum, or loss of themselves, they try to find it or fill it up with something external, and some addictive behavior is created. So, the answer is, go back to our Source. If you are angry at or rebelling against source, however, then that can be a difficult thing to do. So, make your peace with God, or spirit, and with yourself.
You have been pretty head strong in this rebelliousness. Time to let it go and move into wisdom, instead. What is the wisdom your higher, true self has to offer you hear? I think, if you sit quietly and ask to hear what it has to share with you, you'll receive something very important. Swami Beyondananda, who uses humor as a teaching, once said something that is appropriate for you here. He said: "If you're looking to find a key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad new is there is no key to the Universe. The good news is that it has been left unlocked."
When you are no longer operating out of rebelliousness, I think that you will find more clarity and an ability to assimilate life experiences in a way that brings you peace and wisdom and understanding.
There are three aspects to transform (generally speaking) in life in order to live a successful life. Think of life like a three legged stool in which all the legs are needed for balance. We must transform our will into Courage; our reason, or thinking with the mind, into Wisdom; and our power into Love.
Your strength of will could use some shoring up. That's a 5th chakra issue, located at the throat where mercy and truth must co-exist in harmony together. It will also be important that you keep your intentions pure and communicate with pure intentions. Since the throat or 5th chakra has to do with taking the truth or wisdom of our hearts, (pure intention) and putting that out into what we speak, this makes sense to me. What we speak becomes what we manifest, as it is what we believe. When you speak from your heart, and speak your truth, in whatever situation you are in, I think that you will also find that your nervousness, which is a core issue for you, will begin to disappear and be healed.
I invite you to also work with the 5th and 6th chakras - you follow the same procedure as in the first, except that in the 5th chakra, the color of the wheel of light is sky blue, and in the 6th it is indigo. And you do not send them into the earth as you did to ground yourself with the root chakra.
When you find yourself feeling Anxiety, place your forefinger at your hairline at the corner of your forehead on the right and rub in a diagonal line down to the bridge of your nose ending at the tip of your right eyebrow. Then do the same starting at the left corner of your forehead rubbing in a diagonal line down to the bridge of your nose ending at the tip of your left eyebrow. Do this at least 4 times each, or more, if needed, until you feel some sort of relief or release occur.
Also, to help support you in your healing it would be great for you to take some Flower essences...
- mustard, for cheerfulness and depressive states or gloom and despair: the sense that there is a black cloud over you
- nasturtium, for vitality and rejuvenation
- sunflower for addiction and balanced ego forces
- zinnia for acceptance and lightness
- dogwood, for an over-hardening of emotions due to past trauma
- Indian Pink, for calmness in life
- rock water, for criticalness and seriousness
- sweet chestnut, for death and dying, for faith when it has been stretched beyond all limits