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"I cheated on my boyfriend - is there any way to get him back in my life?"

Dear Ayal,

I need advice... My boyfriend and I started dating in the Summer of 2000. We were both in college and were madly in love. In Dec 2001 I graduated and he was still in school. I had a job in my field and stayed around for him. Well the following summer 2002 we both moved to his home town (he lived w/ sister and I with a friend). He struggled to find a job and to figure out what he wanted out of life. We fought constantly, were on the verge of breakup, he being depressed and confused, me being patient w/ him, and at the same time confident and comfortable with my job.

Well, October 2002, I went on a trip for work to a tropical island and I ended up cheating on him w/ a coworker type person who was on the trip with me. I never intended on cheating on him and hurting him. Well, when I got back, he could tell something was wrong. I lied and lied and told him nothing happened. I finally had to admit my betrayal and he broke it off with me. At the same time I was getting closer to the guy I cheated with. But shortly afterwards, I realized he was an asshole loser that just wanted to have sex with me and didn't care that he ruined my relationship with my boyfriend. Since then, my (ex)boyfriend and I have spent the last year hanging out, spending time together, but not officially dating. Now he says he can't ever be my boyfriend again, and that after all this time I hurt him too much to repair the relationship. Is there any way to get him back in my life? What do I do? I feel like if I hang on he might change his mind, but if I turn away from him, I know he'll forget about me forever. I am trying to give him space, but it is VERY hard to lose my best friend. Please let me know what you think.


Hi - well, I think that the first place to start is for you to accept FULL responsibility for the choices you made. It sounds as if you and your boyfriend had run into problems and were having a difficult time, and you looked for some external means, sort of "a fix", to feel better. You did not take responsibility for what you had chosen to do, and, you lied to him about it. This other guy didn't "ruin your relationship" with your boyfriend". YOU were the one who chose to have an affair and then not speak the truth about it. To blame him is to totally miss the lesson and growth here for you. That's still staying stuck in the same pattern that caused you all of this trouble. Do you see your tendency to do that? To not speak your truth or take responsibility? You made some choices, first to have an affair and then to lie about it, and those choices resulted in pain and difficulties for you. OK. So, what did you learn from all of this? By not speaking your truth, things got much worse. Perhaps initially, if you had spoken your truth to your boyfriend, when you were both in the midst of the problems, the desire to have an affair might not have been there, as you and he then would probably have been able to work through things more, and gain more clarity about what was really going on. What stops you from speaking your truth? What's all that fear about, and where did that originate?

When we run into a difficult situation in our lives, and problems or pain arise, it is usually due to the fact that we are resisting seeing something in ourselves. When you and your guy were having problems, what were you resisting? What, on your end, was contributing to the difficulties? When you can face and deal with that, then you are on your way to some good healing for yourself. The fact that you went to an external (affair), temporary relief when you felt distraught rather than face things in yourself is a key factor here.

All I can advise you to do is speak your truth in a clear way from now on. All you can do is to let him know that you still love him, and that you will work on this issue within yourself, to heal it, if that is actually something you are committed to doing. However, your boyfriend also was a part in the initial problems you were both having, and it is up to him to also be able to take responsibility for whatever his part in it was. Both of you seem to want to blame others for your own pain or difficulties. He also has a choice here. He can choose to have compassion and let go of the pain and be willing to trust again. He can choose to see that everyone learns as they go along their journey, and that sometimes we all face and have to go through some difficult stuff to learn that lesson. And he can choose to take responsibility for his actions, and his behavior that contributed to the problems you had in the relationship, as well, or not. You also have these choices. Feeling pain or hurt is also a choice. There are other ways to deal with issues and events in our lives. To feel hurt and withdraw and choose not to trust or open again is one way, but it is not the only way. Usually not a way that creates anything beneficial happening for self or others. That way does not require inner strength.

But, to sum it up - YOU are responsible for your choices, and HE is responsible for his. Whatever choices either of you make has consequences that you have to be able to live with. If his choice is not to want to get back into the relationship with you, then that is a choice you have to accept and deal with. You may feel pain about this, but pain eventually passes. Face the pain head on, feel it, and allow it to pass away when it is ready. Your issue here seems to be the ability to face what you need to honestly, with inner strength. To speak your truth. And to accept the consequences of your actions.

I invite you to read the Laws of the Universe found on this site, to gain more of an understanding about how our choices create our reality for us, how we are all responsible for what we feel, and for what we create in life. It will help you, I think, deal with this issue, and with life.

Blessings, Ayal

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