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"I want my boyfriend to say he loves me and am scared he will leave again"

Dear Ayal,

My name is Kristin. I read how you help David about his wife. I was wandering if you could help me. I have being going out with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. Everything was going great. Last may he asked me to marry him, and of course i said yes. I love him so much that it hurts. He use to say to me how much he was in love with me. Until he ask for a break in oct of 02 we get back together. Ever since then I have been insercure and I'm ruining the relationship. I ask he so many times if he love me that he is tired of me asking that. I'm just scaried he is going to leave again and that is not what i want. I want to stop fighting with him and get back our relationship. I want to feel that is he is madly in love with me. Please help me in anyway you can.


Hi - well, what is going on here is that you are coming from the child place, not the adult place. You felt abandoned when the breakup occurred, and that triggered the old and deep issue of abandonment for you. A lot of self doubt came up for you, and you felt very exposed and vulnerable. Your inner child is needing to feel secure and loved, and you are thinking that you can get that love and safety from someone else. We can share love, of course, and we can feel and receive the love of another, but we can't look for or depend upon feeling secure from someone else. That has to come from inside of you. YOU have to be the one who takes care of yourself and knows that you are worth loving. It may have been that as a child, you thought someone else was loved or favored more than you, and you are still feeling not good enough. You may have believed that love is something you have to compete for. As a child, you may have made the decision that you were wrong or bad, or you believed that you made a mistake that caused others not to love you. None of that is true.

We begin life as children who need to be taken care of. But, the journey of life is all about growing up into mature beings who have learned to take good, loving care of themselves. Otherwise, it's like needing a drug to constantly make you feel better, if you are always feeling unloved and trying to get that fix from someone or something else. As a child, you must not have felt loved or secure, and you have not yet learned to give this to yourself. That is your challenge. No matter how much someone else may care for you, they can't make you feel that way. No one can MAKE us have a feeling - we must generate those from the inside, from within ourselves.

I invite you to look up Holotropic Breathwork on the Net, and find a practitioner near you. I'd go have some sessions and work through this deep insecurity in the sessions. Breathwork uses deep breathing techniques to find and release the wounded places in us. It's a very powerful form of healing that I highly recommend. I think you need to have 10 or 11 sessions, at a minimum.

Doing this is a good way for you to start taking loving care of yourself, and healing this issue. The issue of depression showed up, as well. Depression comes from not facing some deep fear that we need to face. In breathwork you can safely face what it is you are needing to deal with.

Also, an issue showed up for you of having trouble dealing with changes - things seem to happen too quickly for you and life feels out of control, and then you go into fear and have trouble coping with it. That may also cause you to try to hold onto what you have too tightly and become possessive and needy. When you say you love him so much that it hurts - well, loving someone doesn't hurt. Living in fear hurts. If you are holding on so tightly, afraid that you'll not be loved, afraid that you'll be abandoned - that is what hurts. The anxiousness you feel and the fear is what hurts. Life seems too scary to you, and you don't yet have the tools to deal with it. These are all important issues to work through. It would be good for you to develop your own solid foundation to stand on to cope with life and its changes, to feel secure because you are balanced and whole within yourself. Self exploration and developing inner strength is what is needed.

Blessings, Ayal

next 241. "I don't want to lose my guy but I fear he will leave me someday"

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