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"I have a tremendous fear of rejection because of my appearance"

Please Help! After 11 years of marriage and 13 years of being together we are now separated. We have been separated for about 4 months now and I am seriously contemplating divorce. I realize now that I am no longer intimately in love with my wife. I love her as a person but that is the extent of my true feelings. We just come from too different places and I realize now that we were never really compatible.

I have a lady that comes in periodically to help me with my accounting books. I have known this woman pretty much all my life. She is educated, has a precious disposition and very compassionate toward others. I have found that I am starting to developed some strong feelings for this lady. I strongly believe in the 10 commandments of the bible, especially the one that says "Thou shall not commit adultery". My problem is that I feel so compelled to tell this other woman about how I am feeling but knowing that she too has Morales that she lives by, I am more afraid of ruining a friendship and business relationship with this person. This woman's parents are also customers of mine and I have this weird apprehensive feeling that if I was to come clean on how I feel that they might have some resentment.

I am 37 years old and the only thing that keeps me from filling out the divorce papers are the fact that I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I have always been very shy and had somewhat of a complex of my looks fearing that I'm not attractive enough. I am short, a little on the heavy side but I am on a diet and have lost a lot of weight, and my hair line is receded. Maybe since you are a total stranger, you could be honest and tell me if there is anything I might need to do to make my looks more appealing. I know this sounds weird but It might help me find some answers to a lot of my questions. I know it may sound selfish of me but I just have a tremendous fear of rejection. Anyway now that you know the scoop, if you will, I am asking for your input. If you would rather not say then I understand too. I am not an insecure person in general just in the way of my appearance


Hi - You begin by stating that you don't feel happy in your marriage, and then there's this other woman you are looking toward, but really what you seem to be dealing with is low self esteem and self dislike. You don't seem to believe that you are good enough. Lots of judgments on yourself that are not very favorable. I don't know whether or not your marriage is right for you, but I do know that we project our own issues onto people and situations in our lives, and think it's about that when it's really about our own internal issues. That makes me wonder whether or not your not feeling good about yourself is being projected onto other things in your life, including your marriage. It may be true that you and your wife are not compatible. Sometimes, the role someone has plaid in our lives, or we in theirs, does come to an end or change if we have completed what we set out to do with them. However, if you are feeling dissatisfied with yourself and are making it about the marriage, then you are off track.

It also sounds as if you are seeking outside of yourself for that validation which would "prove" to you, you think, that you are worthwhile and desirable as a man. If this other woman would go for you, etc., you think that would make you feel better. You are needing to find your own sense of feeling good about yourself as a man, and as a being. It isn't in possible relationships or fantasies that you will find yourself. It's in your own love for yourself. Not ego love. But the love of yourself as a spark of the godself - your divine self.

I invite you to find a way to do this that does not involve looking for it outside of yourself. It isn't how we look or our size or weight that determines our self worth. It's how we feel about ourselves, and whether or not we are in touch with our inner beauty. Look at Danny de Vito. Totally short, chubby, etc, and completely sure of himself and successful in his life and marriage.

Blessings, Ayal

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