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"I thought swinging was an interesting idea, now I regret it"

Hi Ayal,

I am terribly insecure about a woman my man met on-line. We are in NY. She is in Philadelphia, pretty close. My man and I have been curious about swinging. We first decided we would both make contacts, then just me alone. He ventured into this relationship playing cards on-line. Flirting went on and the relationship became too close too soon as far as I was concerned. I wanted to be mature but, I voiced my insecurities anyway. We decided not to include her, however their relationship flourished. My partner and I were planning on taking a trip and he decided he wanted to meet her (she'd already e-mailed her picture and he thought she was lovely). He also mailed her a picture of he and I. I went into a rage! I've been raging ever since. She sent him a sex joke and we thought that maybe she was on the same page as us. I e-mailed her with his permission,


Hi - it looks as if your e-mail got cut off, as this is all I got. If you want to e-mail me the rest, that's fine. From what you've written already, however, I can answer you with this. It seems to me that what you say you want and what you can actually handle are 2 different things. If you really want to be a swinger, then you have to be able to handle sharing your partner, or visa versa. I don't necessarily think being a swinger and allowing a lot of sexual activity in a relationship is the same thing as being mature. Being mature means you knows yourself well enough to know what you can handle and where you're at. If you feel insecure about your partner having another love relationship, then you are not truly of swinger mentality.

So, you realize that now. What I don't understand is why your partner continued with this other relationship when you voiced your concerns and he agreed not to, as I understand it, continue the relationship. It sounds as if you and your partner are not on the same page, or honoring the relationship and its needs. One of the problems here seems to be that what you want for yourself, and are willing to allow yourself to have, as you said you had both agreed that only you would have another sexual partner, aren't what you are willing to allow him to have. It doesn't work that way.

What is showing up here is that the balance of the masculine and feminine is off within you and therefore also between the two of you. There are issues going on here that deal with honor and ethics in a relationship, with discipline and the choices one makes, one's strength of will to do what one says one will do, and also the issue of devotion. If all of these issues are out of balance or missing in your relationship, in yourself and your partner, it's no wonder that you both went looking outside of the relationship for someone else. A relationship, as far as I am concerned, requires sound ethics, honor, strength of will, making good choices, and devotion to flourish. These things seem to be missing here. A relationship is about loving another and caring for the happiness of the other as much as for yourself. That is real maturity. Neither you nor our partner seem to be there yet.

You said this woman sent him a sex joke, and then you thought she was on the same page as you both. Since your e-mail ended there, I may be missing some crucial info here, but the tone of it from what you have written sounds as if that, when you e-mailed her, something showed up that didn't feel right to you. How come if it's just sex she would be after, that's ok, but when your partner was flirting with her and liking what he saw in her picture, you went into a rage? Well, sex is more intimate than that! If that caused you insecurity, what about having sex with other people?

To use another being for sexual purposes and to think that nothing goes on with that, that then it's over and nothing of importance has occurred and that there is no connection, is, as far as I am concerned, a profound misunderstanding of what sex, life, and how we treat others, is all about. When one has a sexual connection with another, there is a deep exchange of life force energy. A deep connection does occur. Sexuality is the joining of two beings for the purpose of producing life and pleasure, to share oneself completely with another. It is the human equivalent of surrendering to another as we hopefully can allow ourselves to surrender to God - to be vulnerable, trusting, and giving in a fully open and loving way. It is the ultimate physical manifestation of love and connectedness. It is an incredibly powerful force, and to use it lightly seems to me to be missing out on what its all about. But - that's me and how I look at it. I think giving ourselves pleasure is a wonderful and important thing to do. However, when one has sex with another, there are actually psychic cords that connect you to that other person that allow an energy exchange to continue long after the act of sex itself is over. Your energy is then mixed up and connected to that other person's in a way that can be wonderful and enhancing or detrimental, unclear, and confusing for a long time.

Yes, sex can be a fleeting pleasure on the just playing around level, but ultimately that isn't fulfilling, and then, if one continues to seek fulfillment that way, it becomes an addiction because it is, ultimately an illusion. To think something external will fulfill what we are all really looking for doesn't get it. That's the same thing as going for chocolate as soon as one feels tense or unhappy, thinking somehow that will bring peace and safety. It doesn't. It's a temporary fix, and one can't sustain oneself on it. Too much chocolate actually undermines health after a while. It IS ok to seek pleasure in a way that does not cause harm to self or others - however, often we seek pleasure in a way that does cause harm, and we eventually learn from that to honor life and to do no harm. However, it sounds as if there is harm happening here. You thought you could handle that kind of lifestyle and found that you had a lot of fear and insecurity and rage come up. That's good information for you. Know that because sex is such an intimate act, there always is the chance that people who connect seemingly in a causal way can become deeply connected. That's a chance you have to be willing to take if you move into swinger lifestyle.

If you are in balance with your masculine and feminine energies within, if you have developed these other qualities of honor, ethics, strength of will, and devotion, I think you would feel balanced and not necessarily need to be looking for something "without" to make you feel better or satisfied or more alive. To balance your polarity, I invite you to order the Merkaba meditation at and practice it everyday.

Blessings, Ayal


Hi again Ayal, the rest of that letter goes like this -

I e-mailed her with his permission and put it out there for her. "Do you swing? That's what my partner and I do. We thought you could be a third." She never responded. Then we knew we were not on the same page. I felt bad so did he. When he let me know he felt bad, I responded, "That sneaky b---- wanted my man." He says she could not have him unless he wants to be had. We argued again, went to bed with feelings. I tried to make up. I wanted to make love. He didn't. Next morning I told him I was feeling like a bitch in heat. He replied, "After last night?" Got up, took a shower and left. I have never known a man who could do that.


Well, frankly, I think there is a lot for you to learn about loving, human relationships. To call yourself a bitch in heat, to call this other woman a sneaky bitch, is not the most loving or respectful way to relate to others, or to yourself. It is probably true that she was hoping for a relationship with your man, but he was involved in encouraging that too. He was as much a part of it as she was. And if he encouraged it just to get what he wanted out of her - a 3rd sex partner, I think that's a pretty low way to relate to others.

It sounds as if you relate a lot from anger. Is that true? Is that the emotion you respond to situations with a lot? That's one way to be, but as you are seeing, it drives people away. It isn't an attractive energy to want to relate to. It is a difficult energy to deal with. The sexual urge doesn't over-ride other human feelings, as you seem to think it does. If you don't understand and have compassion for how people feel, how they can feel hurt and wounded, and just think that sex solves it all and sex should be able to happen no matter what else a person may be feeling, then you have some growing to do in your understanding.

I hope you are willing to grow in that area. Compassion is what life is all about - sex is only a small part of the human experience.



Hey Ayal - I've neglected to tell you a lot about myself, don't know why. It's not like you will ever see me. I am a recovering drug addict. So is my man. I met him when he had 30 days. Recovery says--give the newcomer a chance to grow. He had been in and out of recovery for 10 years, I did not view him as a newcomer. We had a wonderful fulfilling relationship. One night I became angry (my pattern). I left his house. He said he did not know if I was ever coming back. Some woman called him and somehow they ended up in bed together. It wasn't until months later that I found a condom behind his bed that was full. I was devastated. He explained it was early in the relationship. I in turn revenge cheated (not smart). We continued the relationship but he began to cheat again with five different women.


Hi - I think I only get part of your e-mails.... well, I can see that you both are dealing with a lot. Thank you for this info and for the other one you just sent. I am glad to be of service and glad that you are willing to look at what is going on - to see what you need to do to change harmful patterns.

It sounds as if you both have a great deal of fear and insecurity that you have dealt with by going to external substances, including sex. Anger is the secondary emotion for fear. Many people go into anger as a cover up for deep fear. The fear you are dealing with seems to be the fear of being abandoned, and if this is the case, then no matter what this man does, if you feel even a little bit of love and satisfaction with him, you will stay there, thinking that's as much love as there can be for you, hanging onto it like a life raft, and things will stay the same, until you change the pattern from within yourself.

I think that you are dealing with a time bomb that continues to keep going off here... this man doesn't seem able to change his patterns yet, and if you are trying to change yours, I can see that being with him will make that very difficult. However, if you read the Laws of the Universe, which is found in the web site, you will understand that we create our own reality. That means that until you deal with what is behind YOUR fear and anger, you will continue to create situations that bring up, or mirror, that fear and anger for you.

In other words, if you believe that you will be, or deserve to be, abandoned, that you are not good enough to be loved in an honoring way, you will continue to create a relationship that cheats on you, that uses sex as an addiction in place of true security and inner peace, etc. Until you become safe within yourself, you will look for safety outside of yourself, as this man does - as soon as things get tough emotionally, it sounds as if he collapses and immediately grabs onto something outside of himself. That is a mirror for you. Until you become safe within yourself, you will, and do, also turn to things outside of yourself to try to feel safe. Even though this man continues to cheat on you, you stay there, because you have not yet resolved this issue within yourself. Until you do, you will create a relationship or a partner with the same issues.

Are you dealing with the fear and anxiety you feel, and what created it? Is the desire to have a swinger lifestyle a way to avoid or compensate for these fears? You said this man was borderline sex addict. Isn't having a swinger lifestyle then a way to continue the problem instead of dealing with it? That's like an alcoholic living next to a bar, or having a stash of booze under the bed, isn't it? Are you both then colluding with or aiding this problem in one another - being co-dependent with it? When you face these issues in yourself and heal them, which you can, whether this man chooses to do so or not - you CAN if you really commit to take yourself on and change - you will change the patterns and no longer operate out of the pain and rage you are still caught in. We always have the choice, moment by moment, to choose either love, or fear. We have the choice, every moment, to get the support we need to change.

It's all up to you. When you realize that, that is true power and safety, and when you have that, you don't need anything external to make you feel better. Great sex may make you feel good for a little while, but you always come down from it, and the cheating and pain and anger are still there, right? It's not the answer. It's a fix. Finding your real power is the answer.

Read the Laws of the Universe, and see where it takes you.

Blessings, Ayal


Thanx for all your help with my issues. I have decided not to create from anger. I have decided to take a risk and trust. I have decided to take a pause between the thought and the action, Just For Today. I love the man in my life as much as I can love another person and, I do not wish to destroy my relationship. I realize we both have a lot of stuff and we're both in therapy. We wish to remain a couple against all odds. We have come through a lot thus far and we have weathered each storm no matter what. I realize the expense is great and I do not choose to compromise who I am totally. The good of it is, we are both willing to work in this relationship on us as individuals and, as a couple. I wish us the best. I know you do too! Thanx again and I have to remember this is JUST FOR TODAY!!!


Hi - Thank you for your e-mail. What you have decided sounds good to me! I certainly do wish you both all the best: full healing, love, harmony, joy, and balance. Remember - it's your inner power, your knowledge of your God self, who you truly are, and not anything external, that heals and serves you . Finding your way to reconnect with that, in whatever way is right for you, is the key. Taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time, is the answer also. We are always in the Now, and the Now is always God. So, we are always safe, and full of that Power which transcends time, personality, drama.

When we touch that IS-ness of being in the NOW,when we accept what is without resistance, when we meet whatever shows up in the moment with true LOVE and Trust, we find that God Self. I think the God Self is analogous to space - that great womb which holds all of life, that conscious, intelligent, ultimately loving, living spaciousness in which everything occurs and moves and lives, and plays out its life stories, we are connected to who we truly are. There is a great book out by Eckhart Tolle called The Power of Now. You might enjoy it. Also, Jack Kornfield has a wonderful tape set out called the Inner Art of Meditation which is incredibly helpful, and delightful.

Blessings, Ayal

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