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"A part of me sabotages my efforts to succeed"

Dear Ayal:

I have an inner conflict: one part of me wants to succeed and another part of me sabotages my efforts. Every time I'm employed and beginning to obtain financial security I start feeling angry, afraid and depressed. Another part of my personality emerges and takes over. I start saying and doing things I don't want to. I start rebelling against succeeding. This part tells me you can't succeed, you can't, I won't let you.

This morning I recognized my mother's voice as the saboteur. She encourage me to get an education but on the other hand she'd tell me I'd never succeed. I've been afraid of this part of myself for years. I believe I'm rebelling against my mother and yet supporting her negative views about success at the same time.

I've taken responsibility for my life. I realize I'm holding onto an illusion. I have a pattern of others being threatened by me, afraid of me, and jealous of me. I've been meditating and memories of my relationship with my mother have emerged. The things I remember are not positive. She placed a lot of adult responsibilities on my shoulders. At age three I started cooking my own meals. I remember burning and cutting myself because my little hands couldn't perform cooking tasks adequately. My mother would get mad at me. I guess I suppressed all these memories.

Anyhow, how do I let go of these illusions and inner conflicts?

I have feelings of low self worth and unworthiness.

I've been reading your website for several months. It's been very helpful. I'd like to make peace with the many parts of me. Any suggestions on getting me to work for me, instead of against me.


Hi - the first thing that showed up for you was a need to be in an open and receptive place to do this healing for yourself. Check into yourself and ask to see what your level of openness and receptivity is. You have a pattern of resistance going on that would be good to release. Resistance comes from fear, and from what you have stated, you felt controlled and manipulated early on, so resistance became a way to protect from that. Remember - it's never about another person, place, or thing - so, if you claim Creatorship, rather than living as a victim who thinks she has no power, then you also created your mother playing that role for you in your life, right? What would be the brilliance and purpose of your soul's journey this time around by creating a mother who related that way? What did your soul come in to learn? How is her behavior a mirror for something you came in to heal or shift?

For your feelings of low self worth - 2 things showed up:

  1. Do some visioning with your inner masculine energy, see what it needs, and allow that to strengthen.
  2. Say: "All the places in my mind, body, and life where this has been a problem is healing now. I intend healing this issue of low self esteem now!" When you state that, place your right hand on the top of your head, and your left hand on your throat. Breathe white light into these areas. I'd do that 2 times a day, or as needed, for 4 months.
It would be a good idea to clear your space of some negative entities that are around and influencing you. I can give you a couple of numbers of someone who can do that, or you may know of someone reputable in your area. So, that "Part" that tells you you can't succeed may be coming from that influence also.

You need to cleanse and support your pancreas. A holistic chiropractor or naturopathic doctor can help you with this.

Also, you need to open up and cleanse your 5th and 6th chakras - the 5th chakra issue is your ability to make choices and your strength of will. The 6th chakra deals with the ability to understand and visualize concepts, and is, of course, the spiritual eye. It would actually be a good idea for you to clear your chakras every day, twice a day from now on. Here's how:

Chakra Clearing
The way you do this is to sit down each day for perhaps 15 minutes, in a quiet space, with eyes closed, as you would sit quietly in prayer or meditation, breathing slowly and deeply until you are very calm and relaxed. When you are relaxed, beginning at the base of your spine, at the tailbone, you visualize a beautiful, glowing, fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light filling up that area. You ask with each chakra that it be restored 100% to perfect health, form, and fuctioning - that whatever needs to be restored, be restored, and whatever needs to be corrected be corrected. Then you move up the body and visualize a beautiful gently spinning wheel of orange light at your reproductive area. Then, moving up the body, see a bright yellow spinning wheel of light at the navel area.

Remember, as you do this, you also ask silently that each area you are visualizing be cleared and brought back to perfect health and functioning. Then you move up to the heart and visualize a glowing spinning wheel of green light there - emerald green. Then on up to the throat, where you clear that area by seeing a beautiful spinning wheel of sky blue light. Then up to the brow, where you see a glowing gently spinning wheel of indigo light. Then to the crown of the head, where you see a beautiful gently spinning wheel of violet light. Even if you are not adept at being visual or seeing these colors, just by saying to yourself that that color is there will begin to work for you.

To finish, surround yourself with a beautiful, glowing white light, and see it totally filling you up from head to toe as well. There are actually minor chakras, or light intersection points, energy vortexes, in the body as well, besides the above mentioned main ones - 144 to be exact, and what I do with them is simply ask that they all be lit up with white light - sort of imagining myself like a bright starry sky or a lit up Christmas tree.

This will help immensely to get you back in balance. Clearing the chakras is a very important way to stay healthy and in balance.

I also invite you to state this intention twice a day for 2 months: "I sponsor myself to the Creator, cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have the refill of the Creator's Consciousness and Energies - 110.76 healing rates."

The gold Aura-Soma pomander would be great for you - it releases irrational fears, reconnects us with our innate wisdom, and heals old wounds. You can order that from, or over the net under Aura-Soma.

It is necessary for you to let go of your hatred. Use the core belief formula in the Laws of the Universe for this as well as the self esteem issue.

That will shift a lot of energy for you.

Blessings, Ayal

next 141. "What am I doing wrong that my daughter will not forgive me?"

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