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"I am despondent about losing my wife"

Hi there,

I have been left by my wife beginning of the year. I feel I have been to hell and back. I was taking drugs, drinking, spending money I did not have. My work dried out for some months, I have lost my home, but most of all, it seems I have lost myself. I have had some work but could not stop thinking about it all, I must have come across as a sad, depressed person. I wasn't drinking during the week, just 1 or two beers in the evening, on the weekend I wanted some fun and have been out all night and got drunk, then I go through the usual blues, pick myself up again, but feel no motivation, no joy.

I live in a place with a guy who has his own problems, and there's not enough space. The memories of my wife haunt me, I love her still, and I know I have gambled her away. This is really what is eating up all my energy, my life seems so useless. I am considering going bankrupt. I have a new place to live back in Germany with a friend in 10 weeks time, I am in Wales now and I am just waiting to get out. I am feeling so low I need help to break out of this vicious cycle. When I feel drained from partying I cannot meditate, and somehow I can't forgive myself and move on. I have never been here before, this bad. Maybe only when I was a teenager and my father was cheating on my mother, I became despondent and depressed. Is this a repeat? Can you find some light in this?


Hi -

Thanks for writing in, sharing, and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, you are dealing with a very big issue called unreciprocated affection. What this issue is about is a belief that tells you and creates situations for you where no matter how much you love, no matter how much good you "try" to do, you will believe that you are being rejected, judged, and shunned. And even more than that, it says that you will be unable to receive back to yourself any of the love you feel for another, or the good that you put out or do, that you will never be able to attain what you desire, that you will always be left yearning and wanting, but your deepest heart's desires will never come to you - and this means from the smallest interaction you may have to believing that God itself will not be there for you or return love to you.

This is an incredibly painful issue to have, and it can be especially powerful because it is operating unconsciously. It creates all sorts of havoc and anger and resentment and despair, lack of success, etc., such as you have described, in one's life. You can't understand why, when you try so hard to do something with love or clarity, that it will not return to you in the same way you put it out. This is because this belief that your affection will remain unreciprocated is actually the one operating. The good news is, it's only a belief, and a false one at that. It is only an illusion, a false conclusion, a misunderstanding, that, once it becomes conscious, can be dispelled. See how you can dispell this by using the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe.

All that depression is a very low form of energy that comes from not seeing the truth about something - it takes a lot of energy to be in denial, and depression results from that. So, to end depression, one faces one's fears and sees what's going on. You find out what's going on by asking: "What truth about myself am I not seeing? What false belief do I have that continues to create such unworkable situations in my life?"

When you claim something, then you have the power to change it. You can't change what you won't or don't see, and so one stays depressed that way. That only continues feeling powerless and like a victim, neither of which ever really feels good.

Here are some steps to take to release this belief and create a new belief that works better for you:

  1. Do some holotropic breathwork sessions - I'd suggest a minimum of 6, one every 2 weeks or so, with a good practitioner who can effectively process what comes up for you during and between sessions.
  2. Play around with healing and clearing your 2nd chakra, where it connects to your back at the level of the sexual organs. This deals with the quantity you have of emotional and sexual energy, among other things. The color for this chakra is bright orange. Visualize a beautifully glowing, orange light there, filling up this area, and gently spinning clockwise. Ask that this chakra be cleansed, purified, and healed, that whatever needs to be released is released, and whatever needs to be restored for perfect harmony and health is restored. I'd suggest you practice doing this twice a day for 2 months. The issue of unreciprocated affection is a mixture of misunderstood 2nd and 3rd chakra power. Read about both chakras in Caroline Myss's book, Anatomy of the Spirit. See if something in there resonates with you.
  3. Say this affirmation with its numerical frequency coordinates for healing, twice a day for 2 months:

    "I sponsor myself to the Creator, the Cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have the perfect refill of the Creator's consciousness and energies: 111.10 health patterns; 110.76 healing rates; 59.93 future patterns; 59.71 past patterns; 60.834 personality healing, love, wisdom, justice; personal freedom (67.105); equality, awareness, patience, tolerance, integrity (55.075); inspiration (87.724); appreciation (88.174); and will power (119.475)."

  4. I invite you to order and use 3 Aura-Soma products: the turquoise pomander for creative communication of the heart; the sapphire pomander for communication that comes through us, to lift us out of suffering; and the Pallas Athena magenta quintessence, for the love of and awakening to beauty, for creating from beauty.
  5. An exercxise to repair the aura: Put your arms out straight to the side with your fingers open. Make circles with your arms in reverse motion for 1 minute. When you are finished, bring your fingertips together and then bring your arms and hands to your shoulders for a few seconds. Do this twice a day for 2 months.

The other thing that showed up for you, that I think ties in with issues that created your dad cheating on your mom, is an issue regarding power and control. This again is a 2nd chakra issue. Sit in meditation and ask to see what shows up for you, where you are at, about power and control. This ties in, as well, with the issue of unreciprocated affection, for if one doesn't believe that the love or energy they put out will ever be received and returned to them in a like manner, they feel terribly anxious, powerless, and angry.

You must have felt very anxious and powerless during the time when your dad cheated on your mom, yes? Life must have seemed out of control, as if all was being lost with no way to get out of the swamp. What was really going on, however, was that neither of your parents knew how to track the beliefs and issues that were causing these difficulties, within themselves. Since you weren't shown how to do that either, there seemed no way to get life back to what felt safe and loving and trustworthy, right? But, there are tools to create life being the way we would like it to be, and to respond to life from compassion and understanding, and that is finding out what the issue is, and learning to come from the power of calmly loving - responding to all that we experience from this place of loving compassion. When we do that, there is no issue of unreciprocated affection, for we are loving everything, being compassionate toward everything, and all of life will then mirror for us that love and compassion we are putting out. That is then what comes back to us, for we ARE the very thing called love, and since we have it already then, there's no asking for it to come back to us, or any need to try to get anything, or control anything. Do you see that? That is taking true power, using power correctly, the power to change unclear energy into what is loving and appropriate, and therefore one lives from a place of clarity.

Did your mother also feel this way, given that she created a situation where her marriage did not give her what she needed, or return the love she put out? Chances are, this is an energy all of your family came in to deal with and you all probably carry that issue around in common, as mirrors for one another.

How surprised would you be that as you heal this, it puts out an energy that will help the family heal on some level, energetically as well? Usually people who feel that life does not return their love to them attempt to compensate for that in some manner by becoming controlling, trying desperately to control something in life so that it feels safe - trying to get life to return something to you in the way you so desperately hoped and needed it to be. In your case, you go "out of" control, but whether one goes into trying to control everything, or out of control, it's just 2 sides of the same coin - issues of control and fear and safety. There may be a feeling that life itself is so out of control for you - that you can't get what you want or need, that you try to "control" the pain through drugs, gambling, etc.

Gambling is an out of control issue, as well, that tries to get some safety and success and self worth back into life, returned to you through "luck" - but luck is a false belief. Some people equate Luck with Love, but luck itself basically says that life is out of control. The false thinking is: "if I have 'luck,' or something on my side, I'll be ok." So, it's still a way that the unreciprocated affection issue is operating: sort of a pleading that something will finally come back to you and love you and take care of you, right? To see that something's finally on your side, and that you are loved because you finally win, hmmm? Love and acceptance are generated from the inside out, however - not the other way.

If you have an issue of unreciprocated affection, the Truth is, you haven't yet returned love to yourself, you don't really know how to do that yet, to Love or truly fill yourself up with or give back to yourself this deep compassion, this higher way of taking care of yourself. When you can do that, you are never lost and never left feeling without that Love. (We're all still learning and growing with that one - it's the great thing we all came to learn about, right?) If you don't love yourself, how can life, or anyone else return love to you, if they are only your mirrors?

After you've understood what's going on with these issues of power and control, then you can use the formula for changing core beliefs in the Laws of the Universe to create new beliefs and an understanding that comes from a much higher level. These issues can affect the thyroid and the appendix as they are very fear based, so I'd look into bolstering both of them with some good supplements from a health food store. Taking a supplement that helps support the thyroid would work for both.

What would be great to put into your energetic system are the energies and qualities of faith and inspiration - 7th chakra divine powers and qualities that we all have in our cosmic blueprint. Read about this too, in Anatomy of the Spirit, or call it forth into your being - allow yourself to receive them, and ALLOW it to be awakened within you, to remember what it feels like to live with that wonderful energy. Much better than looking to escape through drugs or external addictions. The key here is to face and release the pain consciously, to see that it came from those false beliefs, and then choose to create beliefs that bring harmony and joy instead. The way out is through, not by escaping or trying to hide from the pain, but seeing what misunderstandings you had that created the pain in the first place. which is what you are doing by asking and writing in. Good work!! That is true power and responsibility for what you choose to create in life.

Blessings, Ayal


Dear Ayal,

So much truth in this. I'd like to share this more. Your answers made this whole thing erupt and surface with lots of tears.... Actually, I had not experienced it with so much consciousness before.

I see that this unreciprocated love or affection or endeavor is and has been working in my life, in my family and all around me for as far as I can remember. Life has been out of control for me and I have put every effort into it to keep it from being that by controlling it or going out of control to prove it, trying to navigate through this never ending storm of feelings, material problems, lack of trust, lack of self love really. Even my efforts to go and do a process called the Hoffman Process failed, lack of money, lack of trust that it would be there the right time, etc.

When I had security in my life when living with my wife, I did not want it. I feel that I have never really wanted to be anywhere really, no matter what was on offer, so I made myself go into the realm of out of control, when I felt that controlling did not work - I went on destruction course and succeeded !! When love was shown and returned I refused it, went cold, unsupportive; when my help was needed it was me turning away. I have always got help from spiritual people. I feel I have abused and I feel that I have been abused. It feels like my experience is both sides of the coin always. Being the one who does it and being the one it is being done to the same time. I can see how this un-love, this idea has got me here and has me by the throat and now I have for the first time felt love towards myself and acceptance. But the whole ship is burning and confusion is what I feel about any of the outside matters of my life:

Debts that I will never be able to pay back, a home I don't feel safe in, fear of being kicked out (as when I was living with my wife, finally I had to go....), my spiritual companions are in Berlin and I want to be there. I have many doubts: where to turn, what to do or not do, what work, what course???? Just so many questions. I feel unsafe. Will I get there? IS THE WAY TO SEE IT AS IT IS AND ACCEPT IT ? Can I feel safe???

I have wanted so much to be guided and to feel safe, and there have been experiences of that, but the doubts outweighed that. I wish so much to return home to love, as part of me does remember it and knows about it and is alive. Funny when I woke up this morning I had to cry again, and felt this whole thing again after the initial breakthrough yesterday, after allowing things to show. My father and uncle particularly disagree with me on my whole life and want to tell me to get a job, to make SERIOUS decisions, stop fooling myself etc. It sounds so frightening to me and intimidating and that has also been the way of my father, to control through intimidation and rules about how to live life, what you have to do now, that you are here in this mess again, etc. etc. I do not want to hear this now, it feels hard and unhelpful. I feel that directions have to come from me, from within, from the real me, with joy, not from taking on the outside opinion. It is hard, as confusion sets in when trying to make any decisions, for fear is always there, fear of failure.

I am writing this to share, with people out there and with you. As you have hit the spot so rightly with your insight, I thought to carry on this dialogue and process and get it all out. I have started doing the healing before I wrote to you, funnily I found your site when searching for information on the turquoise pomander, which I have had for years and not used. Also I have done holotropic breathing (rebirthing) years ago and have reconnected with my practitioner just a few months ago, and started healing sessions, so the next will be my 4th or 5th and it is a great help, although I seem to have sabotaged the results from that by going back to drink and feeling down. So really you are the missing link, as I have been not able to go and see her for lack of money.

I trust her totally and I really feel I have to make some progress soon. So thanks for this dialogue, I hope I have not written too long. I feel there's more....


I'm glad that you were able to experience the release of so much pent up sadness. Your key here is to keep on releasing your feelings in an appropriate way, letting them flow, as you are doing, when you are in your own safe space. As you release, you will then make make room for new feelings that work to your benefit, feelings that will allow you to create new worlds of experience for yourself. There has been a lot of pent up fear and grief. You are perfectly on track to allow yourself to feel that. That is the way to heal for you. Just allow it to flow out of you. That's the wound cleansing itself.

It sounds as if you are already on the right track. Remember - YOU are your own safe space, and your own best friend. No one else can know what is right for you, or what you need to do for your life. Listen to your inner guidance - tune in, and follow what your heart knows to be right for you. There is actually no "wrong" path to follow. Whatever roads you choose, you will have experiences and learn something important. There is, truly, no "there" to get to. You are already there. You are already God in all its glory and power having whatever experiences you have chosen to have at this moment. Is there anywhere that God is not? That includes you, too. God already is. You already are all that you think you need to search for. You just forgot for a while, that's all. Now you're ready to begin remembering again.

How would it feel to not have to "get" anywhere? To know that each moment, you are already everything that you need - does God have to "get" anywhere? No. God just allows the moment to unfold, be what it is, and enjoys it for whatever experience it brings. Everything is already all right for you. What would happen if you started believing that? Would feel pretty great, wouldn't it?

So, begin now. Allow yourself to remember. Take a deep breath, relax, and know that everything already is perfect, and that includes you. God's just enjoying the ride. What a wild ride it is, isn't it? Pretty amazing to be human, isn't it - like a great roller coaster ride. What would you feel if you looked at it from that perspective and just enjoyed it?

So - you see, you already knew what was right for you - you have the turquoise pomander, you're already into breathwork - see? You do know all that you need. Trust yourself! There's proof right there, if you need any, that you are right on track. Allow abundance to come to you - it will as you trust that it's all ALREADY right here. All you have to do is open to receive it. If God already is everything, then God already is all the money you need to continue your breathwork sessions, right? All you have to do is feel the joy of receiving that abundance and love. Feel it now - God is just waiting for you to give the ok to send it, and you do that by knowing that YOU ALREADY HAVE IT, that it's there for you, that it's already on its way! How does that feel?

Sending you many blessings - remember, you already ARE all that you think you need to be!!


next 122. "I've been trying to heal myself but cannot bear this any longer"

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