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Words of Wisdom

humor

~ HUMOROUS ~

Compiled by Peter Shepherd


“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” —Albert Einstein

“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.” —Alfred Adler

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” —Berthold Auerbach

“Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.” —Robert Orben

“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.” —Yiddish Proverb

“If you can’t get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.” —Mark Twain

“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.” —Thomas Szasz

humorous quote

“A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.” —Charles Gordy

“If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.” —Anon.

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” —Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” —Oscar Wilde

“The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.” —Anonymous

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” —Ingrid Bergman

“When one is at home, he dreams of adventure. When one is on an adventure, he dreams of home.” —Anonymous

humorous quote

“True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.” —Hugh Prather

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

“I prefer to be a pessimist; it makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.” —Film: The McMullen Brothers

“My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference!” —Harry Truman

“Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?” —Alec Guiness

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” —Winston Churchill

“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.” —Amos Bronson Alcott

“Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.” —Ram Dass

humorous quote

“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” —Betty Reese

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, Flatlanders

“The only stupid question is the one that goes unasked.”

“Every time we open our mouths, people can look into our minds.”

“If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it wouldn’t seem wonderful at all!” —Michelangelo

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.” —Henry Ford

“Don’t be so humble; you’re not that great.” —Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat

“Years ago, my momma taught me that two wrongs don’t make a right - but I soon figured out that three left turns do.” —Jim Hightower

Best corporate IT quote ever: “I don’t think iPhone brings anything new to the table. It has a great user experience, but that’s all.” —Manjit Singh, CIO

“Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

“Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be overcome first.”

“I’m going to stop procrastinating ... once I get around to it.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”

“Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”

How to be Naturally Attractive to Women
“If you lend someone $25 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

“Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” —Susan Ertz

“Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you. They may have different tastes.” —George Bernard Shaw

“The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken.”

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

“Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” —F. P. Jones

Humorous and Inspirational Articles

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