Affiliate relationships disclosure      Print this issue of Cultivate Life!     Editor: Peter Shepherd

Cultivate Life!

February 1st, 2010

Quotes of the Week

"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." --Albert Einstein

"None of us can do great things. We can only do a small thing with great love every day!" --Mother Teresa

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." --Helen Keller

Freedom in February

"Freedom: In humans, the power or capacity to choose among alternatives or to act in certain situations independently of natural, social, or divine restraints." --Brittanica Online

In America, we equate the celebration of freedom with July, the month of the signing of the Declaration of Independence from King George. After the Civil War, all Americans born on our soil experienced freedom as their birthright. Our founding fathers no longer wanted us to experience freedom FROM something, rather the freedom TO choose one's own way. Our great nation deliberately abdicated rule over the people and instead invited its citizens to exercise free will. With freedom comes great personal responsibility of making the right choices given lengthy aisles filled with many flavorful options. As we look at the significance of several designated days in February, we remember that although freedom is a condition of our environment, it begins within the flame of independence burning in each of us.

National Freedom Day
Each February 1st, we acknowledge America's representation of freedom. This day, established in 1948, celebrates our elimination of involuntary servitude. With the signing of the 13th Amendment into law outlawing slavery, our country took a stand to honor the freedom granted to us by our Creator.

In what ways does your essential nature require liberation? Quite often we place limits on our abilities or our dreams, and never dare to pursue our happiness. With no outside force limiting or restricting our potential, the only barrier to our free expression lies within. Take a few minutes this day and all year long to unlock the greatness of your being and open the door to your greatest desire. You alone hold the key to your spiritual freedom.

Valentine's Day
The feast of St. Valentine stands as a traditional day to express love to one another. From the innocent paper cards we passed out to our classmates, to roses and dinner out, love's conquest of the heart rings out to us each year. It's often said that we don't choose with whom we fall in love. If that's indeed the case, love then becomes an overbearing force to which we succumb sometimes unwisely or unwittingly. It's almost as though we are love's victim - falling helpless to the selection of that most precious emotion as to our beloved.

From "puppy love" to multiple relationships, every one of us experienced partnerships which didn't work out for one reason or another. We must also acknowledge that love sometimes knocks on the door of our heart and we fail to answer the call because the appearance or expectation of our ego casts a veil of denial over the possibility of authentic connection. When we unburden ourselves from the restrictions our prescribed conditions and qualities impose, we free ourselves to look at love through the peephole of acceptance and willingly explore one of nature's finest experiences! Lincoln's birthday Before the workplace standardized holidays took force, February 12th recognized the birth of Abraham Lincoln. After myriad failures in his private and public life, this man endured hardships that fortified him to take the office of Presidency in our nation's darkest hours. After almost 100 years of independence, America's hypocrisy exhibited in the institution of slavery denied this group of people their God-given right to live for their own sake. While the war between the states argued for power other than oppression, it remains a turning point in our country's history and a shining light of freeing a people not only from bondage but from thousands of years of man's dominance over others.

Lincoln's no-win situation brought about costly changes, forfeiting several founding principles set forth in the Constitution. He made the best decision he could given the circumstances. When we face matters in our own lives which appear devastating no matter the choice, we must focus on the end result - what supports our freedom as individuals, as free spirits? We want to be free in our lives to prosper and thrive, yet the only slave master we cower to is our own self-worth. When we release the self-inflicted tentacles of fear, we free our minds and ideals to reach for the stars.

Washington's birthday
One of our bravest generals and reluctant leaders, George Washington stood tall the saddle and in the history books. Wise and strong, Washington led groups of men into battle and overpowered one of the world's strongest armies. He freed himself from defeatist notions and hence, liberated a country. As president, he led with humility and honor, treasuring always to sustain the freedom he fought so hard to attain.

When our personal resources appear dour, we realign with our core principles. Gathering our strength from our desire to achieve and grow, we move against the formidable foes life puts in our path, all the while sure that our goal awaits us. Moving from self-limitation, doubt and fear, the freedom to try and try again brings about the purest expression of our true spirit and sets the stage for a life well-lived.

February 29 - leap year
Once every four years, the calendar adjusts to allow for the differentiation between solar cycles and recorded time. In a sense, February 29th is a "freebie" day - a gift of an additional 24 hour period. While we live in a free country and are free to pursue our dreams and happiness, we never escape the mantle of time. As we succumb to either shortened hours sleep or less private moments, our busy lives find us crying out for a few more hours in a day to accomplish our to-do list. The gift of an additional day nonetheless appears "business as usual" to our hectic schedule and rarely do we take a deep breath to appreciate this timely gift.

As February speeds by each of us, take a moment to ponder your freedom. Count your blessings your nation honors your liberty from the moment of your birth, and that you will never be subjected to servitude for another person's gain, against your will. Think of the anguish which befell Lincoln as he navigated the country through the war, and the courage of Washington as he faced a seemingly undefeatable enemy. And, every four years, enjoy your extra day. Most of all, relieve yourself of all self-doubt and questionable capability. Know that your only restriction lies within you and you hold the key to unlock the shackles of your own limitation. Set your spirit free!

Taking a quiet sideways glance at life, Marlene Buffa offers insight through her words from experiences. A student of new-thought teachings, Marlene finds practical spirituality around every corner and seeks wisdom through observation of life's inter-relationships. Sometimes playful, sometimes poignant, always thought-provoking, her writing inspires readers in meaningful ways. You can visit her website at WordsofMind.com and write to her by email.

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

Heart to Heart Coaching

Do you ever wish you could have access to your own private coach free of charge, to get help with the challenging situations you face ... whenever you need inspiration, insight or advice? The Heart to Heart Coaching service empowers YOU to coach yourself on the issues that matter most. Each week a new life challenge...

The latest issue of "No Limits" Magazine now online

• Michael Michalko, Are You the Subject or Object of Your Life?
• Guy Finley, Make the Fear of Being "No One" Fade Away
• Gabriella Kortsch, Self Esteem, the Ego, Achievements...
• Gabriella Kortsch, ...Super Achievers Be Driven by Low Self-Esteem?
• Chuck Gallozzi, Self-Esteem: What It Is, Why It's an Issue...
• Beca Lewis, What And Where Is Self-Love?
• Talha Tashfeen, Self-Esteem—Change the Way You See Yourself
• Roy E. Klienwachter, Raising the Bar on Self-Esteem
• Daylle Deanna Schwartz, Accepting Your Imperfect Self
• Steve Wickham, Becoming the Greatest "You" There Ever Was
• Donna Gunter, Pricing Strategies: How Much Do I Charge...
• Liv Miyagawa, How to Raise Self Esteem in Others
• Halille Azami, Know Your Self-Worth
• Wider Screenings, Proving the Mettle of Selfhood
• Plus bonus ebook, Tony Rizk, Boost Your Self-Esteem in 24 Hours

Read it now - no subscription required!

What Is Possible In Your Life?

Eight years old Evan Frank raised more than $9,000 for a Christian organization's mission to drill thousands of wells for people in impoverished areas of the world that lack clean drinking water. When he heard of people who didn't have enough safe drinking water, he wanted to do something about it.

Evan decided he wanted to help and when he found that it cost $9,000 to drill a well he decided he would raise enough money to do this by himself. His parents were not certain that he could do this but Evan believed that he could. He started by baking brownies and selling them. He brought great enthusiasm to his goal and not only raised enough money for one well but went over the top and raised more than that. He has been a real inspiration to everyone that hears his story.

Actually, I think what the story really demonstrates is that a human being can accomplish whatever he sets out to do when he believes in the outcome and in himself.

Webster's dictionary defines belief as "a conviction that certain things are true; also it mentions trust or confidence, an opinion, expectation, or judgment." As I contemplated this, examples came to mind where someone's belief system actually changed the course of history.

Believe in yourself
Alexander the Great is considered one of the greatest military geniuses of all times. He was the inspiration for later conquerors such as Hannibal the Carthaginian, the Romans, Pompey and Caesar, and Napoleon. It is difficult for us in this century to understand the rise and fall of civilizations and the conquerors that were part of that vision. I only mention them because their victories were part of their belief in themselves and in the world in which they lived. I propose that they accomplished what they did because of this belief.

As a young child, Alexander's mother Olympias told him he was the son of a god. Apparently he carried those words with him and thought himself invincible as he was noted for leading his men from the front line. He reminded his men of their permanent values; he told his men they were the world's liberators.

When Alexander entered Egypt the Persian satrap surrendered and the Macedonians were welcomed by the Egyptians as liberators for they had despised living under Persian rule for almost two centuries.

Later Alexander made a pilgrimage to the great Temple and Oracle of Amon-Ra, the Egyptian god of the sun, whom the Greeks and Macedonians identified with Zeus Ammon. The priest at the Temple told him that he was the son of Zeus Ammon, destined to rule the world, and this must have confirmed to him his belief of divine origin.

Alexander the Great managed to briefly extend Macedonian power not only over the central Greek City-states, but also to the Persian empire, including Egypt and lands as far east as the fringes of India. Alexander's adoption of the styles of government of the conquered territories was accompanied by the spread of Greek culture and learning through his vast empire.

What we believe can draw greatness into our lives
Perhaps belief is what draws the possibilities of greatness to our journey and gives life to our dreams. There seems to be an element of the spiritual underpinning our beliefs. What I mean is that behind our beliefs seems to be a spiritual connection in the sense that the belief is connected to something larger than oneself. To connect to these beliefs it seems that one must be willing to be inspired.

What inspires you?
It might be a good idea to occasionally take stock of those thoughts and ideas that inspire you. Are your ideas bigger than life or are they ordinary and easily reached? How much faith and trust do you have in yourself? Are you willing to dare take a step beyond your comfort zone? Sometimes inspiration must include new ideas. Or perhaps it is the reworking of an old idea. Attitudes can be formed by simply accepting what others believe and not questioning what might be beyond those walls. Thinking within the box can create a wall around us. It is only when we intend to move outside of the box and think of life from a new vantage point do we truly become open to new ideas and inspirations.

Personal beliefs
Napoleon Hill was an American author who was one of the earliest producers of the modern genre of personal success literature. His most famous work, Think and Grow Rich, is one of the best-selling books of all time. Hill's works examine the power of personal beliefs and the role they play in personal success. "What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve" is one of Hill's hallmark expressions.

Napoleon Hill was born in an impoverished one-room cabin in the Appalachian town of Pound in Southwest Virginia. Hill's mother died when he was nine years old. At the age of 15, Hill began writing as a Mountain reporter for a small-town newspaper in the area of Wise County. The turning point of Napoleon Hill's writing career is considered to have occurred in 1908 with his assignment, as part of a series of articles about famous men, to interview the industrialist Andrew Carnegie, one of the most powerful men in the world.

Hill discovered that Carnegie believed that the process of success could be elaborated in a simple formula that could be duplicated by the average person. Carnegie was impressed with Hill and asked him if he was up to the task of putting together this information with only reimbursement for out-of-pocket expenses to interview or analyze over 500 successful men and women, many of them millionaires, in order to discover and publish this formula for success.

As part of his research Hill interviewed many of those famous people of the time including Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, George Eastman, Henry Ford, and Theodore Roosevelt among others. As a result of Hill's studies via Carnegie's introductions, the Philosophy of Achievement was offered as a formula for rags-to-riches success by Hill and Carnegie, published initially in 1928 as a study course called The Law of Success.

Hill believed that negative emotions, fear and selfishness, among others, had no part to play in his philosophy, and Hill considered them to be the source of failure for unsuccessful people. In his first book Think and Grow Rich he presented the idea of a definite major purpose as a challenge to his readers in order to make them ask themselves, "In what do I truly believe?" For according to him, 98% of people had no firm beliefs, and this alone put true success firmly out of their reach.

Consider new ideas for personal evaluation
As I bring forth new information about Ascension and other spiritual work, I have found that some people seem to be unwilling to open up their mind to new thoughts and concepts. And yet I recognize the fact that the belief system is what governs the possibility of future growth and accomplishment. In my point of view it becomes important to consider new ideas without preconceived judgment. It is only until one opens the door to new thoughts that one can truly grow. After evaluation, one can sort out those ideas that do not resonate with them, but I think it's crucial to be willing to consider new thoughts if one is to grow.

This article is the ninth of a 40-part series, ending in Autumn 2012. The series will then be widely released in December 2012 as a freely available ebook, so as many people as possible will understand how they can participate in the Ascension - the transformation of the human race to become guided by and one with Unconditional Love in nature and being. More at Counterpoint Article Library.

Carolyn Evers is a messenger for the spiritual hierarchy. She has written six books and a course, Journey To The Other Side. Carolyn believes that there is a connection between spirituality and science, and she endeavors to incorporate scientific research along with what she receives from spirit. For an introduction to Carolyn and her journey to becoming an extraordinary voice for the Masters on the other side of the veil that isolates humanity, download her free eBook "For the Sake of Love." Her work can be found at CarolynEvers.com and you can email Carolyn here. She has two radio shows with BBS Radio, The Message and The Messenger. Call in for healings and readings from the Akashic Records USA Toll Free 1-877-876-5227, Canada Toll Free 1-888-815-9756. Dr. Richard Presser works closely with Carolyn and is the author of The Coming Golden Age and How to Prepare for it.

Print-friendly version + Recommend this article

The Doorway To Self Realization is Here Now

Congratulations! You've graduated from the school of suffering! All past efforting to achieve success is history. You have done the work and now it's time to celebrate utter total freedom! If you are reading this email right now your soul is ready to receive the information you need to awaken to the truth of who you are. The best part of all is that you don't have to travel to the far ends of the planet to find enlightenment in any particular teacher or teaching. The real guru is dwelling inside your own heart right now. You have the choice to walk through this door to greet your inner master who has been with you all along.

"If the mind wants to comprehend reality, it will have to come out of the past and the future. But coming out of the past and the future, it is no longer the mind at all. Hence the insistence of all the great masters of the world that the door to reality is no-mind." --Osho

Take a few minutes to just be still and pay attention to your breath. Take a long deep breath into your heart center and just allow all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that arise spontaneously to be welcomed. Imagine you are hugging each thought that arises. Give total love to every thought, as if each one was an orphaned child that you are inviting back home to rest within your heart. Become a welcome-a-holic, and don't leave anyone out because these children are missing your love deeply. Hold each one of them for 15 seconds in your heart and let them all know they are sooo loved! They are lovable just the way they are, no matter how crazy, hurtful, or nasty they can be. Allow everything to be loved and lovable in your inner world. Only from this space can you rest in this the heart of pure awareness.

"We loosely talk of Self-realization, for lack of a better term. But how can one realize or make real that which alone is real? All we need to do is to give up our habit of regarding as real that which is unreal." --Ramana Maharshi

This bright shining awakened presence - who you are - requires no effort to attain. The sun doesn't have to try to be hot and bright, it simply is. No matter how real you believe your problems are, or how serious your life situation may appear to be, pure joy, freedom and bliss is always ready for you! You just get to let go of the mind. In the deep stillness of no-mind, resting as the silent witness, the door to your awakening is revealed. It has been with you before you were born, always with you as you, waiting infinitely for you to go deeper inside and discover this fearless divine sacred way.

"Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts." --Marianne Williamson

"The most intimate question we can ask, and the one that has the most spiritual power, is this: What or who am I?" --Adyashanti

The true beauty of coming home to yourself is that no matter what appears to be happening in the outer world, who you are remains the same. You are untouchable, like an eternal flame of light, you cannot be put out. Resting as the living conscious awareness is the path. In this inner exploration you are always free and always opening to the deeper truth of what you are. The layers of the mind's games/illusions fall away on their own accord as you practice this self realization exercise daily. You will more clearly see, feel, experience the essence of your true being. All that you "thought" you were ceases to exist. You will discover a deep pervasive peace that has been here all along just waiting for you to come home.

"Do everything with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end." --Achaan Chah

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

Share the Wealth

Caring is instinctive. A child is lost, we help her find her parents, someone trips, we reflexively reach out to break his fall. A co-worker's car won't start, we offer her a ride home.

It's a natural part of being human. We live, therefore we help. Helping occurs because the obstacles that separate us drop away, and we are in essence caring for ourselves. We help because the homeless person begging for food is us. We help because the person on welfare who is worried about feeding her family is us. We help because the gang member defending his turf is us. We help because the child who is abused and needs a safe haven is also us.

Among the questions I ask people in my seminars are: "How can you use your whole self to be of service in the world?" "How can you use the wisdom you have gained from your life experience to better our planet?" "Who do you feel the most compelled to serve?" Take a moment and consider what it is you truly care about. Is it teen pregnancy? Social justice? The environment? Homelessness? Endangered species? World hunger? Human rights? There's no absence of issues that need your time, energy and dedication. "In a time lacking in truth and certainty and filled with anguish and despair," writes poet Louise Bogan, " no woman should be shamefaced in attempting to give back to the world, through her work, a portion of its lost heart."

Some men and women I spoke with felt that what they were able to give wouldn't be enough to make a meaningful contribution. When I heard this, more often than not, it seemed like an excuse to not get involved. For those people who are in doubt, this story's for you.

One day a woman was walking down a deserted beach in Mexico. As she walked along, she saw another person in the distance. When she got closer she noticed that the man was picking something up and hurling it over and over into the ocean.

As she approached him, she noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed ashore. One at a time he was throwing them back into the water. The woman was puzzled. She walked up to the man and said, "Good morning. I was wondering what you're doing."

He said that he was throwing the starfish back into the sea. That they had been washed ashore in the low tide. He went on to explain that if he didn't throw them back, they would die.

The woman said, "but there must be thousands all over the beach. You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many."

The man smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish. As he tossed it back into the sea she said, "Made a difference to that one."

When people ask, "What do I have to give?" my response is everything--everything you've learned and experienced, everything you are, which is considerable. No, most of us aren't going to become Mother Theresa, devote our lives to service, and move to Calcutta. But that's not what's being asked of us. What we're being called to do is what we can--to make a contribution, no matter how small.

30 Days to Sanity
Did you like this article? If you did you'll LOVE my CD program - 30 Days to Sanity: Strategies to Reduce Stress and Live a Meaning Driven Life. In my more than 25 years experience as a licensed psychotherapist I saw countless people dealing with the same problems-feeling overwhelmed, unfulfilled, stressed and just going through the motions of living. Because my time and availability is limited, I created 30 Days to Sanity. Let me assure you that I have struggled with many of the same issues that you face today, and I have taken everything I know and designed this program especially for you.

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

A Majestic Heart

"Drink from the chalice!" her voice boomed as she pushed the vessel toward me. There I sat starring at a beautifully ornate gold goblet that had what appeared to be steam running over the sides. I took the chalice into my hands, my heart was pounding in my chest, and I could feel the eyes in the room on me as I raised the goblet to my lips. I could not stop the thoughts rushing through my head about how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to drink from the same goblet and the same potion that gave people like Nefertiti and Cleopatra and many others their great self-confidence. I tipped the chalice and felt the cold liquid inside rushing toward my mouth and then came a piercing noise... startled I jumped... and sat straight up in bed. I reached over and pushed the snooze button. Laying back down I tried desperately to get the dream back; to no avail. This is when I began my quest for answers to what was weighing so heavily on my heart and mind. With much determination, I set out to bring to light the remedy that leads to sustainable, genuine high self-confidence that the greatest leaders in history have possessed.

When researching great leaders of the past, one of the characteristics that they exemplify is self-empowerment. When we think about great leaders, they are people who have a center of power not from the material things that they have gained and triumphs they have made in their lives, but a power that seems to come from within their core and radiates outward. This power is generated by the feeling of self-efficacy. We too are able to supply ourselves with everything we need to keep us thriving by voltage of our own power. This energy comes to us as a result of accepting complete responsibility for everything that has happened in our lives; past, present, and future. This step can be a very difficult one for us to accept. We are typically raised to believe that many of the things that occur in life are beyond our control. When we change this belief to a new understanding of how everything that has happened in our life had occurred because we allowed the circumstances, then we are placing the power of choice and ultimately our destiny within our control. This means that both the positive and negative experiences have happened as a result of choices that we made. Even with the negative outcome we have had, the power was ours by the choice we made. Knowing this grants us complete power over our past, complete power over our present, and complete power over what happens in our future. This results in a sense of total self-empowerment.

Authentically self-assured leaders have mastered the art of self-forgiveness. The acceptance of responsibility over our life circumstances naturally breeds feelings of guilt over what we should have done differently. This guilt could hold back our newly found sense of self-empowerment. Additionally, it is the main reason why many are resistant to accepting this level of responsibility. Leaders that are secure with themselves exhibit freedom from this self-confinement. Forgiving ourselves for decisions and actions that we have made in the past frees us from the anvil that was weighing us down. Forgiving ourselves means understanding that when we made decisions or took action in a way that we are presently perceiving as negative, we did it based on the experience, knowledge, and abilities we had in that moment. We should make ourselves conscious of the fact that we cannot possibly hold ourselves in a state of guilt for what happened back then based on the experience, knowledge, and abilities we presently have. We need to take solace in knowing that we did what we had to do at the time based on the best of what we possessed in that moment. This results in the releasing of guilt and the loosening of the ropes that confine our feelings of self-empowerment.

Leaders with great inner strength understand that there have been no negative experiences in their past. This is an immeasurable conversion that takes place which shifts our thinking from seeing some of our past as being negative to having been constructive. We shift this pattern of thinking because we now comprehend that without having had these beautiful and perfect experiences, we would not have become the person we are today. Every experience has given us a golden gift that as a result has made our lives richer. These gifts are the lessons that we have attained from each and every experience we have had. Therefore, the lens we looked through to see some of our past as regretful now changes to a lens which has a clearer vision filled with gratitude for all of our experiences and lessons that have created who we are. We become whole-heartedly appreciative for where we have been, what we have in our lives, and who we have become.

The antidote that was the answer to sustainable, genuine high self-confidence had revealed itself. I had been on a journey that took years... discovery after discovery. I realized that what I had been developing along the way for myself was in fact self-empowerment, self-forgiveness, and self-gratitude. It was then that I came to an awakening: the combination of all of these creates self-love. This self-love is the potion that fills the golden chalice. Once we have a complete and whole love for where we have been, what we have done, and for the person that we have become we are awakened to a love that resides in the core of our being and illuminates outward spreading light to all those we encounter. Self-confident leaders have this virtue and it attracts others to them. We want to know what these leaders know, we want to be where these leaders have been, and we want to be around them because when we are, we feel good. Now it is your turn. Drink from the chalice and go forth, living a life of love that beams with extreme self-confidence.

Copyright © Debi Hebel, 2009
Debi is a Certified Master Coach, focusing her efforts on helping clients raise their level of life-satisfaction. As a coach, she has been able to follow her passion of inspiring people to uncover their individual greatness allowing them to grow in self-confidence, self-awareness, and ultimately life happiness. To contact Debi please email her here.

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article More at Counterpoint Article Library

On Being a Man (in Japan)

Drawing people into conversations that go beyond the surface is one of my favorite pastimes, regardless of where I am. I usually begin such conversations by sharing something personal about myself, while leaving the door open for others to do the same. In my Tokyo neighborhood I'm well known for this, and people seem to look forward to the opportunity of sharing time with me.

Recently I was sitting at the counter of a small Japanese eating-drinking "shop" talking to my long time friend Tabata-san. He's a few years older than me, and has always shown me a lot of kindness.

Somehow we got into talking about "being a man" and here's what Tabata-san had to say.

"Being a man in Japan is not an easy 'job'. There are lots of expectations, and very little praise along the way."

"Boys in Japan are given special status in their families because they're the ones who will carry the family name forward. This special status leads to special treatment, but also carries with it great responsibility."

"In particular if you're the oldest son, traditionally this meant you had the responsibility of living in your parents house your entire life, and caring for them when they get older."

"Well actually, if you get married, it will be your wife's job to care for your parents when they get older, but that's a story for another time."

"What happens for most Japanese boys, is that early on they build a wall to hide behind. On the outside they act as if they do not feel fear, or even pain. But beneath the surface, a frightened boy remains."

"As a boy-man we wait our whole life to be discovered by someone. We're hoping this someone will learn to read our feelings, because we're not any good at expressing our feelings in words."

"For me, for instance, I'd like to feel I'm able to say "I love you", but I have never done so. To speak those words would simply be too much."

"Men don't feel the need to complicate things by trying to express in words everything they feel. But women, and particularly our wives, make things much more complicated than they need to be, by asking us to share our feelings. This winds up creating a distance between us that over time, leads us to drift further and further apart. This sometimes leaves me feeling somewhat lonely, but I'm not at all sure there's a better alternative."

"Men want to be loved, but without the need to create further responsibility, as we already feel overburdened by the responsibilities our families, and our companies place on us."

"Japanese men are so simple. Just like me! And in my mind, simple is better. But somehow, we often get asked to be more sophisticated, more adept at expressing the feelings we have been taught to hide."

"You know, just like me, my wife likes to have a drink from time to time. But you'll never see me out drinking with her, because she'll be sure to try and draw me into conversations that I don't want to have with her."

"She has her friends and I have mine, and I think in the long run this distance between us is better, because it makes it easier to live together, rather than following the path of high expectations, and high rates of divorce like you have in the U.S."

"By the way" Tabata-san said, "You're beginning to look too serious. Why don't we order another beer and talk about something else!"

Charlie Badenhop is the originator of Seishindo, an Aikido instructor, NLP trainer, and Ericksonian Hypnotherapist. Benefit from Charlie's thought-provoking ideas and various self-help Practices, by subscribing to his complimentary newsletter "Pure Heart, Simple Mind."

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

A Vital Key to Success

"It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action." --Al Batt, author

Of course, it would take an entire book or more to answer that question thoroughly and completely. But my answer would always include the word ... INITIATIVE ... which has an emotional as well as a behavioral side.

On the emotional side, successful people have a burning desire to succeed. They have ambition, drive, pride, and enthusiasm. They want to accomplish something. And on the behavioral side, they have the commitment to accomplish something. They're willing to work hard and go the extra mile. They'll do whatever it takes to get the job done because they have self-discipline.

INITIATIVE is such a key component of success that I would wager to say you'll never be successful without it. So how do you get it and keep it? To get you started, there are 2 things you can do right now...

1. Do more than you're told to do ... and ... do more than is expected
As I say in my "Journey to the Extraordinary" experience, "The person who only does what he is told to do will never be asked to do great things."

Dan learned that the hard way. You see ... Dan and Jim started work at Starling Imports on the same day, doing the same job as sales reps. They were both considered honest, hard-working employees, but within a year, Jim was promoted to an executive position while Dan was passed over.

Dan felt unappreciated by the company and soon became so resentful of Jim's success that he drafted a letter of resignation and gave it to his boss.

"Dan, this is a surprise to me," said the boss.

"Well, I was pretty surprised at the recent round of promotions," snapped Dan.

"I see," said the boss thoughtfully. "But I don't think you understand why. Tell you what: before I sign off on this, do me a favor and go across the street to the farmer's market. Find out if anyone is selling oranges."

"Uh, well ... okay," said Dan as he started off on what he considered to be a strange errand. Minutes later, he returned and reported, "Yes, there are oranges for sale at the market today."

Then the boss called Jim to the office and asked the same favor. About 15 minutes passed before Jim came back to the office and reported, "There is only one vendor with oranges today. His name is Gus. He sells Florida oranges at $5 for a 3-pound bag or a 5-pounder for $8. They're tree-ripened and sweet. And he'll give you a volume discount for any order over 50 pounds. Was there anything else you needed?"

"No. Thanks," said the boss as Jim walked away. He turned to Dan and said, "Did you still want to give me this resignation?"

"No," Dan blushed with embarrassment. "I understand your decision now and I think I can be more like Jim. Do you think he'd teach me how?"

There's a great lesson in this story. Don't miss it. And apply it to your job and your life. That's why I tell people, "Always do more than you get paid for." And that's why Elbert Hubbard noted many decades ago, "Folks who never do any more than they get paid for never get paid for any more than they do." It's the first reason INITIATIVE is so critical. And then ...

2. Discipline yourself to keep on keeping on
You see, the road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. But there's always a problem with those parking places. As 20th century economist and financier Josiah Stamp put it, "It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities." In other words, you pay a price for not keeping on or letting your INITIATIVE take a break.

The great Polish concert pianist knew that. He noted, "If I miss one day's practice, I notice. If I miss two days, the critics notice it. If I miss three days, the audience knows it."

And Pat Summit, America's Winningest NCAA Coach advises, "Discipline yourself so no one else has to." Amen!!! I like that advice. If everyone followed it, we could eliminate the need for several layers of bureaucracy in almost every public and private organization in existence.

So discipline yourself. And then "Celebrate what you've accomplished, but raise the bar a little higher each time you succeed," as Mia Hamm recommends in her book, "Go for the Goal."

In good times, it's easy to think, "Why bother?" And in bad times, it's easy to think, "What's the use?" But I'm here to tell you that both ways of thinking will get in your way. The only way to success starts with INITIATIVE. Take Carrie Smyrnios's advice, a resident of Athens, Greece. Carrie tells me, "If you want to go places, you must either get behind and push or go in front and pull. If you stand by the side, you won't go anywhere."

Action:
Find two things you can do at work in the next week that is more than is expected, and then do them. Make it a GREAT week!

Best-selling author and Hall of Fame professional speaker, Dr. Alan Zimmerman has transformed more than a million people into better managers and leaders in the office and in the marketplace. For even more tips on how to build relationships with employees and customers that last a lifetime go to DrZimmerman.com and get his free e-book that's filled with his most popular articles.

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

Bullies: Why They Do It - and How to Stop Them

Why do some kids turn to bullying? The answer is simple: it solves their social problems. After all, it's easier to bully somebody than to work things out, manage your emotions, and learn to solve problems. Bullying is the easy way out, and sadly, some kids take it.

Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at their kids. They've never learned to be effective spouses or parents. Instead, they're really bullies. And the other people in those families live in fear - fear that they're going to be yelled at, called names, or hit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets his way. The chain of command has been established by force, and the whole mindset becomes, "If you'd only do what I say, there'd be peace around here." So the bully's attitude is, "Give me my way or face my aggression."

Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse. Sadly, many families operate this way. I'm not just talking about the adults in the family, either - there are many, many kids who throw tantrums for the same reason: they're saying, "Give me my way or face my behavior." And if you as a parent don't start dealing with those tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problems as they grow older.

Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know? They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and by making people feel small. They're very negative, critical people. The threat is always in the background that they're going to break something or call somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreed with. Realize that the behavior doesn't start when someone is in their teens - it usually begins when a child is five or six.

Portrait of a Bully
Bullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source, as I mentioned, is bullying at home - maybe there are older siblings, extended family members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to get their way. I also think part of the development of bullying can stem from some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability which inhibits the child's ability to learn both social and problem-solving skills.

Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace social skills that they're supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, to supplant those skills. So in effect, they don't have to learn problem solving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don't have to learn how to work things out because they just push their classmates or call them names. They don't have to learn how to get along with other people - they just control them. The way they're solving problems is through brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reaches ten, bullying is pretty ingrained - it has become their natural response to any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure, frightened, bored or embarrassed.

Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn't know how to get along with other kids, so he's usually not trying to play with them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he's alone. He's not playing soccer or kickball with the other children; he's roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that take place at school on a daily basis. And whenever he's confronted with a problem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He does this by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child who bullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better and more powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control. That's a very seductive kind of thing for kids; it's very hard for them to let go of that power.

Adolescents and Gang Mentality
When we talk about adolescent bullying, we're entering into another phenomenon altogether. The reality is that many adolescents in high school today are very abusive to each other. There are peer groups that will attack other kids verbally and emotionally, similar to a gang mentality. When these kids start calling other students rude names and questioning their sexuality, it is all done to dominate and bully them. What happens is that if a teen or pre-teen doesn't want to be a victim, they have to join a group. The kids who don't socialize very well - the shy or passive types - often become the targets. And the threat of violence is always behind it. This trend in high school is prevalent today, and I think very destructive. In my opinion, parents and school administrators who ignore the way kids abuse each other in high school are kidding themselves. This behavior is hurtful and harmful, and there needs to be a lot more accountability.

Make no bones about it, bullying is traumatizing for kids who are the targets. In fact, I think children should be taught about bullying throughout grade school. They need to learn what it means, how to resolve it, and how to deal with a bully. If this is not taught, kids who are targets will think there's something wrong with them, and this vicious cycle - because that is truly what this is - perpetuates itself. Kids should also be learning how to handle their impulses and control themselves when they want to hit, hurt or intimidate others. Unless there's a concerted effort to deal with bullying and bullies in school, nothing will change. It's a challenge, but I firmly believe it can be done.

1. Teach Your Children about Bullying from an Early Age
   I think from a very early age, you have to teach your child what a bully is. You can tell them the following (or even post these words in your house somewhere):
   • A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don't want to do.
   • A bully is somebody who hits other people.
   • A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people's property.
   • A bully is someone who calls other people names.

   Then you have to set a standard that says, "We don't do that in our house." Start that culture of accountability early. Teach them what the word means, and say, "You're accountable for that behavior in our house."

   I think it's also important that you talk about how to treat others. Ask your child, "How should you treat others?" And the answer is, "You treat others with respect and if they don't respect you back, walk away. Treating someone with respect means not calling them names, threatening them, or hitting them." You can also say, "You listen to others. You accept others. If they don't want to play with your toys or they don't want to share their things, you have to learn how to accept that." This is not easy for kids, but they will learn. I really think kids need to have the concept of bullying explained to them numerous times. That way, when any kind of bullying is going on, they can identify it and stop the behavior, both in themselves and others.

2. Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home
   I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you: how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members. When he's bullying his siblings, don't get sucked into his excuses; just because he had a bad day at school does not give him the right to mistreat anyone in your family, for example. Let me say it again: Your child is accountable to you.

   Don't forget, bullies often have cognitive distortions - they see the world in a certain way that justifies their bullying. So you'll frequently hear them blaming others and making excuses for their behavior. Most of the time, they really believe that stuff: they believe what they think, and that's what you've got to challenge. You can say directly, "It sounds like you're blaming Jesse for the fact that you punched him. It is not Jesse's fault that you hit him."

   Schools should also have a culture of accountability, and I think that many try. That's what detentions, suspensions and expulsions are all about - if your child breaks the rules, he should be held accountable, and it's very important that you let him deal with the natural consequences and not try to shield him.

3. The Skills Your Child Needs to Learn
   Plain and simple, a child who bullies needs to learn how to solve social problems and deal with their emotions without acting out behaviorally. Have conversations with your child where you ask, "What happens when other kids don't want to play your games? What do you do? What do you do when other kids have things you want and they won't give them to you? How do you handle that? How do you handle it when you think you're right and they're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it?"

   Your child has to learn how to resolve conflicts and manage his emotions. He needs to learn the skills of compromise, how to sacrifice, how to share and how to deal with injustice. He should also learn how to check things out, and to ask himself, "Is what I'm seeing really happening? Does Jonathon really hate me, or is he just in a bad mood today?"

   Kids have got to learn how to manage their impulses. If their impulse is to hit or to hurt, they have to learn to deal with that in an appropriate way. Many children and adolescents have the impulse to hurt others - they have impulses to do all kinds of things. But they need to learn to handle them, and kids who bully are no exception.

4. What to Do If Your Child is Bullying Others in School
   Kids who are bullying others should be held accountable at home - they should absolutely be given consequences for their behavior. And the consequences should go like this: your child should be deprived of doing something he or she likes. So, no TV or computer games or cell phone, for example. And they also should have to do a task: they should write an essay or letter on what they're going to do next time they're in the same situation or feel the same way - instead of bullying. It's critical that they start thinking of other ways they can solve this problem. Understand that they may not have any ideas, and that's where you have to interact with them and coach them as a parent. In the Total Transformation Program, there's an interview process I outline where parents learn to talk with their children to solve problems, rather than explore emotions and listen to excuses. Let me be clear: if your child is hurting or bullying others, he needs to have conversations that solve problems. He does not need or benefit from conversations that explore emotions. Bullies tend to see themselves as victims, so the conversation has to focus on them taking responsibility for their behavior.

   I think the school should handle the process of having your child make amends for his behavior. But remember that bullies don't stop bullying when they get home - they often target younger or weaker siblings. You have to be very clear if your child is bullying - be very black and white; leave no gray areas. Don't forget, your child is bullying because solving problems - talking to people and working things out - is very hard for him. Again, your child is taking the easy way out. We all go through the growing pains of learning how to negotiate in social situations - in fact, we may work on this skill our whole lives. There should be no exceptions for anyone in your family when it comes to these skills. For a child who is using bullying as a shortcut instead of developing these skills, you have to work even harder as a parent to coach them on what to do.

But sadly, you will also see young child bullies who become teenage bullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack of social skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wives and kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people who call their spouses and kids names if they don't do things the way they want them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: a bully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse, property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-social personality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) is somebody who's willing to use aggression and violence to get his way. The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among other things, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriately in social situations.

If you think your child is bullying others, it's very important to start working with him now. This behavior is already hurting his life - and will continue to do so if it's left to fester. If you expect your child to "outgrow" bullying once he reaches adulthood, realize that you're also taking the risk that he may not - and that choice may negatively affect your child for the rest of his life.

Bullies: Why They Do It - and How to Stop Them is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents magazine. James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. This program offers practical, real world solutions for the most challenging problems parents face: defiance, disrespect, back talk, lying, cursing, lack of motivation, acting out in school and more. In this step-by-step program you'll learn the techniques James has used in his private practice to help children take responsibility for their behavior and help parents get back in control of their homes.

See the following related pages at Trans4mind:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

FREE! Subscribe to Cultivate Life! Magazine