Bilateral Course (9)

Further Bilateral Applications

If the client is thinking of what to say, the left brain is engaged. Problems however arouse the right brain ('Tell me something you could confront'). Only the Left brain is capable of withholding, but the subject of the bad action will stimulate the Right.

Upsets and disagreements of long duration are a right brain concern. If the needle goes Left, the client is giving a mocked-up or fictional memory, a confabulation. The GSR-Meter does not distinguish the real from a fable. However, a fable may be emotionally charged - a symbolic representation of the real thing - and 'Is this a symbol for something?' may lead the client into the right brain reality of the situation.

Fixed ideas and beliefs are left-brain cognitive solutions, often involving distorted thinking and imaginary problems, in the face of the perceived and suppressed problems of reality.

Some GSR characteristics are reflected on the Bilateral Meter, but in a more easily observable form. For example, a fibrillation may be tiny on the GSR but dial-wide on the Bilateral - a hunting between the two hemispheres of the brain. There is very little change in the overall arousal level as this switching occurs.

Anything that reads to the Right will have some relative truth, i.e. will have truth against points of reference - beliefs that are held with sufficient force to be regarded as law or truth. The conceptual world of the left brain is what is imagined or wished or possible: 'as-if' or 'were' ('If I were younger'), rather than 'is' ('I am middle aged').

If a person is describing a particular scene, the fixed parts of that scene, those bits that are invariant will indicate as right brained; while those aspects that are transient, like a passing car, will indicate as left brained. Likewise, additions and deletions, where a fact is omitted, a sequence is changed, an importance is dropped out, will indicate as left-brained. If a statement reads left-brained, we can get the client to change it, to try again, since he has the wrong 'map' - 'Would you like to reconsider that?', 'Could you look again at that?', 'To what extent are you taking responsibility for that?', 'How are you causing that?'

It frequently occurs that one can run a procedure to the point where it is clean on the GSR-Meter, but it is still reading cognitively on the Bilateral Meter. Taking the Bilateral read, one can say (if it is to the Left): 'Tell me your thought about that', then 'Tell me a feeling about that thought', to clear the remaining charge. Or if it reads to the Right: 'Tell me your feeling about that', then 'Tell me a thought about that feeling'.

Likewise : 'What class (or category) does that belong to?', 'What would be a part of that?', or 'Give me an example of something that is not like that', for a Left reading item. For a Right reading item: 'Tell me a quality of that', 'What do you associate with that?', or 'Give me a specific example of that'.

When you cease to get Bilateral action out of a process, it is truly flat - the needle floats between Left and Right, corresponding to a small hemispheric swing, which is joined with the client's breathing. Breathing out would give a Left read, denoting speech and an outflowing detachment. Breathing in would give a Right read, denoting emotion and inflowing involvement. The client is uncharged, i.e. clear on this item, and there is hemispheric integration.

Intelligent cognition involves both hemispheres. The functions of the mind in which events are perceived simultaneously, the inclusive 'and', 'or' and 'but', belong to the Concrete-operational phase of learning., of eductive right-brained thinking. Note: eduction is seeing how specific examples may be grouped together to form a general rule or conclusion. Extending words, such as 'moreover', 'furthermore' or 'nevertheless' will also read to the Right - because there is 'more to it'.

Logical functions introducing an alternative and contrast, the exclusive 'and', 'or' or 'but', belong to the level of intelligence called Formal-operations, a deductive, Left-brained process. Note: deduction involves recognizing the applicability of general rules to differing cases.

The client may get many floats on the way to an Endpoint. The Endpoint of a procedure has been reached when:

1) There is equal communication delay to a repeated question;

2) The question is no longer giving reads (while a question still reads the answer has not been given);

3) Both needles float;

4) The client has looks bright and happy;

5) The client has had a realization or insight and grounded this in reality, thus having let go of a disability and having gained a new ability.

The faster a client's needle-responses, the better his mental integration. This includes the communication-lag between giving the client a direction, and the needle actually responding to his mental performance. All cognitive rather than reactive Bilateral responses are latent, but the least latent is almost instantaneous, and this period of sub-cognition directly relates to IQ. Note: the needle motion may be clean or jerky, which gives a further indication of underlying order or disorder.

If a person can do something very easily there may be no meter-reaction at all, or only a very tiny hemispheric swing. For example, a professional singer will only make a tiny motion to the Left hemisphere, whereas someone learning to sing will make a huge one. Where a person could not possibly do something because there is a decision to fail on the skill involved, he will also get hardly any meter-movement: he is not even bothering to do the task. The meter is measuring the degree of adjustment or accommodation that a person has to make, to go from one task to another.

In the case of a highly intelligent or highly trained person, he will not have to make much accommodation with a simple task - he may even be able to do it on the wrong hemisphere (which is how a high IQ person may start to develop faulty cognitive strategies). A low IQ or untrained person will have to make a relatively massive accommodation in order to attempt the task.

Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis describes the psyche as split into three, much in the manner of Freud, this being: the Parent, Adult, and Child. Mental content stemming from the Parent, when a person is in the role or identity of the Parent having introjected verbal commands, causes a large left hemispheric arousal. This seems to apply to the verbal tags in the left hemisphere, which correspond to repressed traumatic content of childhood deeper in the brain. Whereas Child identities that have emotional tags tend towards the right hemisphere; again relating to the deep trauma of childhood stored at the cerebella level. When a person is operating as the Adult, there appears to be a free communication between left and right hemispheres, causing the Bilateral Meter to float.

On a Bilateral Meter, significances (symbolised conceptual meanings) in the mind read on the Left. Mass (corresponding to concrete experiences in reality), emotion and effort read on the Right. When the needle equivocates between Left and Right, this is a mixture of significance and emotion coming up in a person's mind.

rationalizations are significances which read on the Left. They are intellectualising an emotion: a person might say 'I felt sad', and it would read to the Left, whereas the direct experience of reliving that emotion would cause the meter to read on the Right. It is the duplication of the emotion by re-experiencing it, rather than a verbal description, which would cause it to discharge. This also requires duplication of the feelings originally experienced - attitudes, emotions, sensations, pains - as if they exist in the present moment (since the right brain does not experience time).

When visualising a recalled, objectively real image that is uncharged (presents no conflict) there is a small cognitive read to the Right; similarly, the effort to define a word would cause a cognitive read to the Left. Cognitive reads are about 1 cm, whereas a defense mechanism (such as rationalization) is about half a dial's width to the Left, and contacting a misemotional experience is half a dial to the Right, i.e. four times as big. So in reading the Bilateral Meter, it is necessary to differentiate between cognitive reads and the larger, more reactive and charged reads.

Another common phenomenon is that the needle may go to the Left before the Right, because a person is sorting out their 'mental house-keeping', but the Left movement would be relatively small. Even if a person is telling a story, basically a left brain function, it is difficult to tell a story that is 100% lie (i.e. fictional), so the needle will occasionally move to the Right. For example, in telling a tale set in Piccadilly Circus: one may well have been to Piccadilly Circus in some context. This sort of ambivalence is different from the statement of objective truth, in which case nothing happens on the meter, or the needle just floats a little bit.

The needle will float if there is no conflict in the person's mind; he has communicated the experience, he has stripped off the layers of delusion (left brain) and suppression (right brain) - there is no longer a conflict between his perceived experience and objective reality.

Bilateral analysis prepares a person for solo-analysis since the client has learnt to clearly differentiate truth from untruth, in ways that would have been impossible with conventional GSR-metering. He learns by biofeedback information from the Bilateral Meter, to the degree that Left or Right readings become an intuitive and 'built-in' part of his consciousness. For this reason, clients preparing for solo analysis on The Insight Project need to be able to see the Bilateral Meter readings.

Previous methods, because they depended on the GSR-meter, fooled the analyst (and hence the client) into believing that a convincing rationalization, resulting in a sense of detachment and a floating needle on the GSR-meter, was a realization: a truth for the client and an endpoint of the process. They would not have known that the Bilateral Meter would be reading to the Left on such a defense. This has the effect of further repressing the avoided reality, pushing the person further to left-brain dominance and a high Balance Point (detachment and bypassed charge).

A client's abstractions ('I feel free') need to be concretised ('In what way are you free?'), getting more and more details in the picture, forcing the person to confront the whole truth and nothing but the truth. This will move his hemispheric balance towards the right. Questions such as: 'What is the temperature?', 'What are you wearing?', 'Are you on your own or with other people?', 'What are your sexual feelings?' and many other requests for specific and comprehensive sensory details, should be asked when running an incident. A person should be standing in the time-stream of the experience, in his body, rather than standing outside of it, detached in space and time from the experience.

The Bilateral Meter allows specific indication of truth and untruth. Reads to the Left indicate added inapplicable data, false data and wishful thinking - albeit faintly supported by reason. Reads to the Right indicate uncomfortable emotion connected with the item, which stops the client from perceiving the full truth; or the statement itself may be incomplete, but there is not a lie in it in the sense that it has been deliberately distorted. The right brain read may be supported by faith.

If the Bilateral Meter reads to neither Left nor Right, this indicates an objective truth - that the data is gained from a reliable source or the client has asserted it, touched it, done it or proven it to be true. This may also be accompanied by a float or by small cognitive reads, as the person fishes around for words to describe his cognition; but there will definitely be no read on the GSR-Meter. So the test is: both meters are floating or doing nothing, except possibly for cognitive reads on the Bilateral Meter.

Note: we do not know with a GSR-Meter, if it is not reading, whether an item is still charged or not. With a Bilateral Meter, if neither the GSR nor the Bilateral meter reads, then the item is either uncharged or too deeply repressed to read at the current time. However when the Bilateral Meter does read in this circumstance (with the GSR not reading), this indicates heavy active suppression is going on, arousing the cortical hemispheres, but this is not causing a change in the overall level of arousal, since the unconscious content is being destimulated by the suppression, at this stage of the handling. The analyst should gradiently reduce the suppression with Bypassed Charge Clearing; then the charge will start to read on both meters and the underlying case can be run.

It could be said that the left hemisphere interprets and makes errors in interpretation; and that the right hemisphere identifies and makes errors in identification. The Left or Right read on the Bilateral Meter indicates this different nature of conflict. A read to the Left means a lie is there, and added extra, a distortion; a read to the Right means something is missing, a deletion - there is more to it. When such conflict is resolved then there is no read, and the hemispheres are balanced.

The meter goes one way or another because the idea that the person is speaking is at variance with reality. Left reads correspond to additives (adding to reality in a way which is wrong). Right reads occur when a statement causes discomfort because it does not follow a way of being - it feels wrong. If there is no conflict on an item in the first place, there would be only cognitive left and right reads.

There are things that are of the individual himself, things that he would do on a desert island, due to his genetic make-up and deep-seated primal trauma or learning, and due to his spiritual past. There are also things which are collective, which are of the entire culture, in that everybody that is born into that language frame will have a tendency to think that way. This very deep-seated case may cause the GSR-Meter to read and the Bilateral not. The cortex shuts-off, the brain is functioning at a primal automatic level so there is no bilateral differentiation. Such 'imprinted' case is handled on The Insight Project. If the GSR-Meter reads strongly (LF) in this situation with the Bilateral not reading, the practitioner should be alerted that deep unconscious case has been reactivated. A lower level client should be brought into present time with objective procedures. With a more stable client, such charge should be Indicated as Imprinted and then the Item should be cleaned with the Bypassed Charge Checklist.

Thought distortions

The paper '15 Types of Thought Distortion' gives valuable material for Bilateral Analysis. In practice, these cognitive distortions frequently occur not just singularly, but several in a sentence, and sometimes conceptually combined. It is a good idea for the trainee analyst to practice making these distortions deliberately, and to spot them in conversations, in dialogue heard on TV, or in cheap novels (Mills & Boon novels may require you to underline nearly every phrase!). Prior to this procedure it is first necessary to give instruction to the client in these 15 types of thought distortion, asking the client to give examples of each, so that he understands them completely, and will not take it as any kind of invalidation or evaluation if you indicate to him in session that his statement contains one or more cognitive distortion.

In session, say: 'I shall feed back to you a distorted thinking pattern, when one occurs, and I am also going to use these Meters to give me an idea of how that thinking pattern is fuelled - what causes it to come up. I shall then ask you questions around it.'

Distorted thought patterns can be fuelled in two ways. There may be left-brain orientation problems such as added, inapplicable or false data , which the client is hanging on to. Or the client may be over-simplifying his world - heavy emotion in the right hemisphere is hindering exercise of proper reason. This may be right-brain response to some traumatic experience, or anxiety caused by a repetitive stimulus of long duration, or it may be a 'given' within his particular micro-culture. There are therefore many factors that may fuel errors in reasoning, which in turn fuel the client's particular unwanted condition. The needle can go Left or Right, depending on the underlying cause of the distortion. Therefore to sort out what is going wrong, you need either a left-brain cognitive approach, using directive interventions and Survival Computation handlings, or a right-brain Traumatic Incident Reduction approach may be appropriate.

A directive intervention may be to indicate 'Left' or 'Right'; to reflect the client's statement; or to make the distortion apparent by making a refutation, such as 'Give an example where this is not true' to refute a generalization. Having 'broken the ice' you may then strip false data, by asking 'Where did you get that idea from?', or strip identification by asking 'Who else would act that way?' or 'Who else would be that way?' There would be a rising Balance Point if one is going up the wrong route. Normally, by making these interventions, the client will start to make his own insights and be able to see the effect of the distortion in his life. This interpretative style fills the grey area between coaching and counselling, and is extremely effective for helping the client to make changes in his life that are realistic and valuable outside of session. Although this style is directive, it should also be Socratic, with no element of evaluation or invalidation of the client's data.

When a thought distortion reads to the right it is usually appropriate to ask for feelings which accompany such a distortion. This gives a straight wire to the early experiences that are the source of the block. Note: a person tends to use two or three main types of distortion predominantly, so you don't deal with every one that occurs. Choose his most predominant distortion, such as 'self-consciousness', and pick up on that until it is handled. Then go on to 'should-ing', etc.

Telling a story

The more extraverted type, will tend to read on the utterance. Knowing lies gives smaller reads than unknowing lies, because the latter are driven by unconscious factors that are capable of giving very large reads. The unconscious steers the mind by putting up little force-fields and areas of forgetfulness, so the person opens the mouth and nothing comes, and the person is then bound to speak from what is delivered from the unconscious, unless of course he is describing something objective in his environment.

General Assessment

Explain the necessity for a completely frank and open relationship in counselling; that some of the questions you are going to ask will be personal and that it is best to get embarrassing or difficult problems out into the open right from the start; that everyone has these and that you are trained to be able to deal with such issues. Explain that information disclosed in these sessions will remain totally confidential; however no pressure will be put on the person to talk about something if he or she is unwilling at this early stage.

The use of a GSR and Bilateral Meter should be explained and demonstrated to the client.

The client should be informed that problems may if necessary be handled during the interview but in any case meter responses will be noted for particular issues to be handled later and that they can expect to feel considerably better after this in-depth look at the issues of their life.

Step 1: Hemispheric Assessment (Static and Dynamic Arousal; plus Hemispheric Balance & Mobility Tests).

Step 2: Interview

The General Assessment should fit into a full session, unless handlings become necessary. Control the communication, so that the client's answers are concise and to the point. Note down the main people, experiences, attitudes, emotions, sensations, pains and beliefs mentioned, especially those that read on the GSR and Bilateral Meters, with the size and direction of reads.

If at any point the Balance Point rises significantly the question should be asked:

'Is there anything that we have covered in this interview that your attention is still on?'

(If so, go into session and counsel the issue to P/N or clean a charged subject with bypassed charge clearing; or run a live incident with traumatic incident reduction; or if the client is overwhelmed and introverted, orient the client in the present time environment through all his senses). If there is a LF BD on any item this should be immediately handled.

Note the client's name, and the date and time.

GSR Meter - Static & Dynamic Arousal

Note the Static Arousal, i.e. the GSR Balance Point, and the Sensitivity setting.

To determine the Dynamic Arousal, ask the client to put his attention on a point inside his body and note the resulting read on the GSR Meter. Then ask the client to put his attention on an external object (point one out) and note the read.

Bilateral Meter - Hemispheric Balance & Mobility

Note the Hemispheric Balance, ie.e. the Balance Point, and the Sensitivity setting.

To determine the Hemispheric Mobility, give the following series of commands to cause activity in the Right and Left hemispheres. For each command, note the read.

Right Hemisphere:

Visualise (e.g. children playing)
Hear the sound of (e.g. a trumpet)
Imagine the taste of (e.g. an egg)
Imagine the smell of (e.g. petrol)
Imagine the feel of (e.g. fur)
Imagine going through the motions of (e.g. sitting down)
Remember a recent (unpleasant or pleasant) experience

Left Hemisphere:

Make up a story (or tell me a lie)
Mental arithmetic (e.g. add 666 + 339)
The nth letter of the alphabet? (e.g. 13th letter)
Times table (e.g. 11x)
What are the steps involved in ...? (e.g. backing up your computer's hard disc)
How would you improve ...? (e.g. the democratic system)

Section 1: Biography:

1. Your name, address, telephone?

2. Your birth - date and place?

3. How many children are there in your family? Brothers and sisters? Their names? How many years older or younger are they?

What were they like, and how are your relationships with them now?

4. Is your mother living? If not, how did she die, and what effect did her death have on you?

What kind of person did your mother seem to you to be? Did she show personal interest? Did she punish; and if so, did it seem just or not?

(If alive:) How is your relationship with her now?

5. Is your father living? If not, how did he die, and what effect did his death have on you?

What kind of person did your father seem to you to be? Did he show personal interest? Did he punish; and if so, did it seem just or not?

(If alive:) How is your relationship with him now?

6. How well did your parents get on with each other?

7. Were there any other important adults in your early home life? Who were they and what was their influence upon you?

8. Who is the one person who has done most to help make you who you are? How were they significant for you?

9. How important was your religious upbringing? How much of an influence upon you does religion retain?

10. Were there any childhood fears, or nervous habits?

11. Did you enjoy school? If so, what did you like about it? If not, for what reason?

12. How well did you do academically? Any problem subjects? Did you take part in athletics? How good were you at them?

13. What did you want to be when you were young?

14. What sort of person were you? How did you get on with other people? Did you make friends, and were any of the friendships intimate?

15. Were there any people, either among teachers or students, whom you grew to fear or especially dislike? Any unpleasant people or traumatic experiences? Any problems in learning or study?

16. Any physical or psychological upsets in your school years? How was your adolescence - any difficulties or hard times?

17. At what age did you leave school? What did you do next?

18. When you first started work, how did you get on?

19. Have there been changes of employment, and if so, for what reason?

20. How do you get on with employers, peers, and those under your authority?

21. What was the most risky decision you ever made? What was so risky about it?

22. Has there been a missed opportunity in your life?

23. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and why?

24. What do you most like about yourself?

25. Who is your hero or heroine, and why?

26. At what age and in what context were you first aware of sexual arousal? What were the experiences that followed? When did you first masturbate, and was this followed by feelings of fear or guilt?

27. At what age did you commence dating? When did you have your first important relationship? What attracted you particularly? What brought the relationship to a close? Were there sexual difficulties?

(The same questions are asked about subsequent associations)

28. What do you expect, hope for and get from sexual relationships?

28A. Do you ever get homosexual feelings? (If so) Have you acted on them?

29. Do you currently have a sexual partner? How is your relationship with him/her?

30. How has the sexual side of the relationship been? Is there love and emotional warmth? Have you had sexual difficulties?

31. Have you ever been divorced? Reasons? Feelings about it?

32. Do you have children? Their names, what are they like, and how are your relationships with them?

33. Other close family relations (grandparents, in-laws, etc)?

34. Best friends past and present? Feelings about them?

35. Other close relationships?

36. How do you get on with people you meet and acquaintances?

37. Are there people that are hostile, negative or suppressive in your life? Anyone particularly disturbing or overwhelming?

38. Have there been any severe losses in your life?

39. Have there been any deaths that have affected you?

40. Any severe accidents, illnesses, operations, shocks?

41. What major wins and achievements have you had?

42. What are your feelings about your life? About being a man/woman? About sex? About family? About work and involvement in groups? About politics, economics and Mankind? About the world, spirituality and religion?

43. How are you doing physically? Do you have any current medical problems? Any perceptual difficulties? Any persistent pains or discomfort? Anything that turns on in particular circumstances?

44. How is your sleep? Appetite? Diet? Going to the loo? Energy level? Exercise?

45. Drugs past or present? Alcohol or smoking a problem?

46. How is your concentration? (At work? Reading? Studying?). How is your memory?

47. Are there things that you hate to have to do?

48. What are your interests and hobbies?

49. How do you normally tend to feel, emotionally? What do you like to do, to make yourself feel calm and relaxed?

50. What makes you feel happy? What makes you feel sad?

51. Does anything make you feel like giving up? Does anything make you feel like crying?

51A. Is there anything you are running away from?

52. Has there been any big disappointment in your life? Do you feel any resentment?

53. Does anything make you afraid? Anxious?

54. Do any of the following things worry you:

A lull in conversation?
Feeling different from others?
Being touched by others?
Taking written tests?
Being with a member of the opposite sex?
Becoming mentally ill?
Being in charge or responsible for decisions?
Looking foolish?
Making mistakes?
Nude men?
Nude women?
Doctors?
Darkness?
Being ignored?
Feeling rejected by others?
Being enclosed?
Being criticised?
People in authority?
Falling?
Death?
Being alone?
Being in a strange place?
Entering a room full of people?

55. Does anything make you angry?

56. Is there anything that is making your life miserable?

57. Do you find your attention is frequently drawn to any past emotional or physical trauma or stress you may have suffered? Do you think a lot about an unfortunate side of your life?

58. Do you go to pieces in front of an audience or group of people?

59. Do you worry over humiliating experiences?

60. Are your feelings easily hurt?

61. Do you get discouraged easily, e.g. by failure or criticism?

62. Do you feel that other people are better than you? Why?

63. Do you cross the street to avoid meeting someone?

65. Do you hesitate to volunteer your opinion?

66. Are you self-conscious about your appearance?

68. If you see an accident, does something keep you from giving help?

69. Do you feel uncomfortable when you meet new people?

70. Do you have any financial problems?

71. Any difficulties with groups of which you are a member?

72. Have you ever been in trouble or disagreement with the law? Have you ever been violent or abusive?

73. Have you been the victim of violence or abuse?

74. Have you done anything in your life that you feel ashamed of?

75. What do you find exhilarating?

76. Is there anything you find you can't stop thinking about or doing?

77. Anything you think or do that you feel guilty about?

78. Anything you would be embarrassed to tell me?

79. Do you have religious beliefs or practices?

80. Are you particularly upset with anyone at this time? Are you in any danger?

81. Have you witnessed any severe traumatic incidents, such as violence, crime, accidents or death?

82. Have you ever considered or attempted suicide?

83. Does anyone not like you the way you are?

84. Has anyone tried to make you change? Tried to force something onto you that you feel is wrong?

85. Have you ever received therapy? What happened as a result?

86. Has anything traumatic or negative resulted from any mental or spiritual practice?

87. Is there anything you expected to achieve and didn't?

88. What do you hope to achieve in the next year or two?

89. What long term goals do you have in life?

90. Is there anything that you worry about happening in the future?

91. Do you have an area of difficulty in your life you want to resolve? What would you like to get handled in these sessions?

92. Are there any reasons you've come to me, which you'd rather not tell me about?

93. Is there anything else I should know about you?

94. Is there anything I have failed to ask you about? Is there anything you cannot tell me?

95. Is there anything else you would like to say or ask before we end this interview?

96. Is there anything we have covered in this interview that your attention is still on?

(If so, go into session and counsel the issue to a float or clean a charged subject with bypassed charge clearing; or run a live incident with traumatic incident reduction; or if the client is overwhelmed and introverted, orient the client in the present time environment through all his senses).

Plan a counselling programme to deal with the presented issues.

Toxic Parents

The child in us may have come to the conclusion that it isn't safe to feel. Perhaps he was punished for expressing feelings, or perhaps his feelings were so painful that in order to make life tolerable, he pushed them deep into his unconscious. Perhaps he had to convince himself that he just didn't care, needed to prove to his parents that they couldn't get to him. The following checklist is used as a starting point to get to deeply buried feelings.

Step 1. List One: Feelings

In your relationship with either or both of your parents, tell me if this is true for you, now or in the past:

1. I feel guilty when I don't live up to my parents' expectations.
2. I feel guilty when I do something that upsets them.
3. I feel guilt when I go against their advice.
4. I feel guilty when I get angry with them.
5. I feel guilty when I disappoint my parents or hurt their feelings.
6. I feel guilty when I don't do enough for them.
7. I feel guilty when I don't do everything they ask me to do.
8. I feel guilty when I say no to them.
9. I feel scared when my parents yell at me.
10. I feel scared when they're angry at me.
11. I feel scared when I'm angry at them.
12. I feel scared when I have to tell them something they don't want to hear.
13. I feel scared when they threaten to withdraw their love.
14. I feel scared when I disagree with them.
15. I feel scared when I try to stand up to them
16. I feel sad when my parents are unhappy
17. I feel sad when I know I've let my parents down.
18. I feel sad when I can't make their lives better for them.
19. I feel sad when my parents tell me I've ruined their lives.
20. I feel sad when I do something that I want to do and it hurts my parents.
21. I feel sad when my parents don't like my (friends, lover, husband/wife).
22. I feel angry when my parents criticise me.
23. I feel angry when my parents try to control me.
24. I feel angry when they tell me how to live my life.
25. I feel angry when they tell me how I should feel, think, or behave.
26. I feel angry when they tell me what I should or shouldn't do.
27. I feel angry when they make demands on me.
28. I feel angry when they try to live their lives through me.
29. I feel angry when they expect me to take care of them.
30. I feel angry when they reject me.

Further instances may be elicited by asking the client to complete the sentence: 'Regarding my parents, I feel guilty when .....' (also for scared, sad and angry).

Alternative feelings may also be elicited by asking the client to complete the sentence: 'When I don't live up to my parents expectations I feel...' (also for other actions of the parents in 1-30 above).

Feelings may include physical reactions to the parents.

Step 2. List Two: Beliefs

(Feeling statement from List One) because:

1. It is up to me to make my parents happy.
2. It is up to me to make my parents proud.
3. I am my parents whole life.
4. My parents couldn't survive without me.
5. I couldn't survive without my parents.
6. If I told my parents the truth about (my divorce, my abortion, my being gay, my fiancee being an atheist, etc.), it would kill them.
7. If I stand up to my parents, I'll lose them forever.
8. If I tell them how much they hurt me, they'll cut me out of their lives.
9. I shouldn't do or say anything that would hurt my parents' feelings.
10. My parents' feelings are more important than mine.
11. There's no point in talking to my parents because it wouldn't do any good.
12. If my parents would only change, I would feel better about myself.
13. I have to make it up to my parents for being such a bad person.
14. If I could just get them to see how much they're hurting me, I know they'd be different.
15. No matter what they did, they are my parents and I have to honour them.
16. My parents don't have any control over my life. I fight with them all the time.
17. Something Else?

Step 3. Seeing the connection

'I feel guilty when I do something that upsets them because I shouldn't do or say anything that will hurt my parents' feelings'. If this is real to the client, the charge is handled by counselling.

This piggyback technique helps the client to make a lot more sense out of his emotional reactions; he will probably be surprised at how many of his feelings have their roots in his beliefs. This exercise is tremendously important, because once you understand the source of your feelings, you can take responsibility for them and control them.

Step 4. Handling reading combined statements

If there are reads on the Bilateral Meter but none on the GSR Meter then bypassed charge needs to be cleared before the experience is accessible to run. Ask:

What has been suppressed by you or anyone else?
What has been invalidated by you or anyone else?
What has been evaluated by you or anyone else?
What has been ignored by you or anyone else?
What has been agreed with, by you or anyone else?
What has been disagreed with, by you or anyone else?
What has been withheld by you or anyone else?
What has been withdrawn from by you or anyone else?
What has been resisted by you or anyone else?
What have you or anyone else been careful of?

If the GSR Meter rises, or if there are blocks on the full experience (registered on the Bilateral Meter by sharp reads to the left), ask the following incident suppression questions:

Concerning this event, is something being repressed?
Concerning this event, is something being denied?
Concerning this event, is something being made wrong?
Concerning this event, is something being forced onto you?
Concerning this event, is something being pushed onto others?
Concerning this event, is something unacceptable?
Concerning this event, is anything being split-off from?
Concerning this event, is something being ignored?
Concerning this event, is something being covered up?
Concerning this event, is your attention fixated on something?
Concerning this event, is there something you are being careful of?
Concerning this event, is something you are not saying?
Concerning this event, is something embarrassing?

Left reads will tend to coincide with Thought Distortions. These should be noticed, and relayed to the client (who has been instructed and understands these distortions) by reflecting his statement for re-examination; by saying that the needle read Left; or by asking him: 'Was that a (type of distortion)?' He could then be asked: 'To what problem is (distortion) the solution?'

Right reads on the Bilateral Meter will indicate questions such as: 'Are there feelings connected with that?' (make sure they are experienced concretely in the body rather than intellectualised); 'Is there more to it?'; 'Is there something you are not looking at?'

In particular, it may be necessary to deal with antagonisms that arise in counselling on many of the issues. The questions to ask are:

Was your antagonism caused by:

Something you were forced into?
Something forced upon you?
Something you didn't achieve?
Something you found out?
Something you felt was missing?
Something someone supposed?
Something someone didn't grasp?
Something you wanted to keep secret?

And: Is this reminding you of something else?

Step 5. List Three: behaviors

Does (the connected statement handled above) lead to any of the following behaviors?:

1. Tending to give in to your parents no matter how you feel.
2. Not telling them what you really think.
3. Not telling them how you really feel.
4. Acting as if everything is fine between you even when it isn't.
5. Being phoney and superficial when you're with your parents.
6. Doing things out of guilt or fear, rather than out of free choice.
7. Trying very hard to get them to change.
8. Trying hard to get them to see your point of view.
9. Becoming the peacemaker between them.
10. Making painful sacrifices in your own life to please them.
11. Continuing to be the bearer of family secrets.
12. Trying to prove to your parents that you're right.
13. Doing things you know they won't like to show them your independence.
14. Screaming at your parents to show them they can't control you.
15. Having to restrain yourself to keep from attacking them.
16. Cutting your parents out of your life.
17. Something Else?

Following this handling the client may be advised along the following lines: You may not be able to change lifelong patterns of behavior overnight, no matter how self-defeating they may now seem to you. What you can do, is start to challenge your self-defeating behaviors if they emerge again with painful consequences, and recognize the underlying constricting belief on which they are based. Discard them to allow your true self to emerge. That way you come to know who you really are, and you can become a more fully developed person.

Reframing

Responsibility also allows you to maintain your self-worth, despite anything your parents, or anybody else for that matter, might say about you. The thoughts and feelings of others no longer drag you into a pit of self-doubt. You will see all sorts of new options and choices in your dealings with other people because your perspective and your sense of reason are not being buried by emotions. Taking responsibility for your mind, puts back into your hands a good deal of control over your life.

When parents and others continue to attempt to manipulate and dominate, you can then stay calm and refuse to be stampeded: then you retain the power. For example by responding non-defensively, this breaks the cycle of attack-retreat-defense-escalation. The moment you argue, apologise, explain, or try to get them to change their minds, you give them the power to withhold the understanding that you are asking them for. One can say, 'That's an interesting point of view', or 'I shall consider that as one option'. It is also necessary to assert one's position in a matter-of-fact manner, without worrying about upsetting them, but without any hostility or embarrassment: 'I'm happy to let you stay for a specified, limited time'.

A client's response to this approach, may be to say 'I just don't think I can stand up to my parents. Instead of saying 'I can't', ask the client to reframe his statement in the form: 'I haven't yet stood up to my parents'. 'Haven't yet' implies choice, whereas 'don't' and 'can't' imply the opposite: finality. Similarly, 'I mustn't' or 'I shouldn't' can be reframed as : 'I could choose not to'. 'I should' or 'I must' can be reframed: 'I could choose to'. There is a big difference between choosing to capitulate to your parents because you've considered the alternatives and decided that you're not prepared to make a change at this moment, and automatically capitulating because you feel helpless. Making a choice means taking a step towards control; knee-jerk reacting means backsliding into being controlled.

It is their responsibility

1. The way they ignored or neglected you
2. The way they made you feel unloved or unlovable
3. Their cruel or thoughtless teasing
4. The bad names they called you
5. Their unhappiness
6. Their problems
7. Their choice not to do anything about their problems
8. What they did when they were drinking
9. Their hitting you
10. Their molesting you.

Add any other painful, repetitive experiences that the client has always felt responsible for.

The second part of this exercise involves assigning the responsibility where it belongs - to the parents. To do this, the client should address the Child within him, and repeat every applicable item on the above list, but precede it now with the words: 'My parents were responsible for....':

Again, the client should include everything that is relevant to his personal experience.

Taking Personal Responsibility

'As an adult, in relationship to my parents, I am responsible for...

1. Becoming a separate individual from my parents
2. Looking honestly at my relationship with them
3. Facing the truth about my childhood
4. Having the courage to acknowledge the connections between events of my childhood and my adult life
5. Gaining the courage to express my real feelings to them
6. Confronting and diminishing the power and control they have over my life, whether they are alive or dead
7. Changing my own behavior when it is imitative of my parents manipulative, critical or hurtful ways
8. Reclaiming my Adult power and confidence.

Point out, some of these goals may be easier than others, but they are all attainable; you can free the Child within you from perpetual punishment.

Toxic Relationships

Through the experiences in his life, the client may have come to the conclusion that it isn't safe to feel. Perhaps he was penalised for expressing his feelings, or perhaps his feelings were so painful that in order to make life tolerable, he pushed them deep into his unconscious. Perhaps he had to convince himself that he just didn't care, or needed to prove to the other person that they couldn't get to him. The following checklist is used as a starting point to get to deeply buried feelings.

Step 1. Assessment

Step 2. List One: Feelings

In your relationship with (Person), tell me if this is true for you, now or in the past:

1. I feel guilty when I don't live up to (Person's) expectations.
2. I feel guilty when I do something that upsets him/her.
3. I feel guilt when I go against his/her advice.
4. I feel guilty when I get angry with him/her.
5. I feel guilty when I disappoint (Person).
6. I feel guilty when I hurt his/her feelings.
7. I feel guilty when I don't do enough for him/her.
8. I feel guilty when I don't do everything he/she asks me to do.
9. I feel guilty when I say no to him/her.

10. I feel scared when (Person) yells at me.
11. I feel scared when he/she is angry at me.
12. I feel scared when I'm angry at him/her.
13. I feel scared when I have to tell (Person) something he/she may not want to hear.
14. I feel scared when (Person) threatens to withdraw his/her love.
15. I feel scared when I disagree with him/her.
16. I feel scared when I try to stand up to him/her.

17. I feel sad when (Person) is unhappy
18. I feel sad when I know I've let (Person) down.
19. I feel sad when I can't make (Person's) life better for him/her.
20. I feel sad when (Person) tells me I've ruined his/her life.
21. I feel sad when I do something that I want to do and it hurts (Person).
22. I feel sad when (Person) doesn't like my friends.

23. I feel angry when (Person) criticises me.
24. I feel angry when (Person) tries to control me.
25. I feel angry when (Person) tells me how to live my life.
26. I feel angry when (Person) tells me how I should feel, think, or behave.
27. I feel angry when (Person) tells me what I should or shouldn't do.
28. I feel angry when (Person) makes demands on me.
29. I feel angry when (Person) tries to live his/her life through me.
30. I feel angry when (Person) expects me to take care of him/her.
31. I feel angry when (Person) rejects me.

Further instances may be elicited by asking the client to complete the sentence: 'I feel guilty when...', etc.

Alternative feelings may also be elicited by asking the client to complete the sentence: 'When I don't live up to (Person's) expectations, I feel ....', etc.

Feelings may include physical reactions to the person.

Step 3. List Two: Beliefs

(Feeling statement from List One) because:

1. It is up to me to make (Person) happy.
2. It is up to me to make (Person) proud.
3. I am (Person's) whole life.
4. (Person) couldn't survive without me.
5. I couldn't survive without (Person).
6. If I told (Person) the truth, it would kill him/her.
7. If I stand up to (Person), I'll lose him/her forever.
8. If I say how much (Person) hurts me, he/she will cut me out of his/her life.
9. I shouldn't do or say anything that would hurt (Person's) feelings.
10. (Person's) feelings are more important than mine.
11. There's no point in talking to (Person) because it wouldn't do any good.
12. If (Person) would only change, I would feel better about myself.
13. I have to make it up to (Person) for the things I've done wrong.
14. If I could just get (Person) to see how much he/she is hurting me, I know he/she would be different.
15. (Person) must not have any control over my life.
16. I can't stand (Person's) behavior.
17. All men/women are like (Person).

Step 3. Seeing the connection

This piggyback technique helps the client to make a lot more sense out of his emotional reactions; he will probably be surprised at how many of his feelings have their roots in his beliefs. This exercise is tremendously important, because once you understand the source of your feelings, you can take responsibility for them and control them.

Step 5. List Three: behaviors

Does (the connected statement handled above) lead to any of the following behaviors?:

1. Tending to give in to (Person) no matter how you feel.
2. Not telling him/her what you really think.
3. Not telling him/her how you really feel.
4. Acting as if everything is fine between you even when it isn't.
5. Being phoney and superficial when you're with (Person) .
6. Doing things out of guilt or fear, rather than out of free choice.
7. Trying very hard to get him/her to change.
8. Trying hard to get him/her to see your point of view.
9. Becoming the peacemaker between you and (Person).
10. Making painful sacrifices in your own life to please him/her.
11. Having to bear (Person's) secrets.
12. Trying to prove to (Person) that you're right.
13. Doing things you know (Person) won't like to show him/her that you're independent.
14. Screaming at (Person) to show that he/she can't control you.
15. Restraining yourself to keep from attacking (Person).
16. Cutting (Person) out of your life. 17. Something else?

Following this handling the client may be advised along the following lines. You can't easily change lifelong patterns overnight, no matter how self-defeating they may now seem to you. What you can do, is start to challenge your self-defeating behaviors if they emerge again with painful consequences, and recognize the underlying constricting belief on which they are based. Discard them to allow your true self to emerge. That way you come to know who you really are, and you can become a more fully developed person.