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I'm a married man and my sexual desires are tempting me to have sex with other women - help me

heart to heart
I'm newly married (arranged in India). I enjoy being married, and I'm close to my wife. But I want to have sex with other women also.
Wallace's reply
I am delighted to be able to address this issue as it is a problem for so many married men, and they do not know how to deal with it. Many men have such desires but do not necessarily follow them. Indeed a responsible man would never succumb to such a thought. Were you to give in to these thoughts and follow them up, you would no longer be close to your wife but would quickly become a stranger to her and your marriage would be ruined. Thoughts like these cause all kinds of problems and conflict in your life. To follow up such thoughts with action is to invite disaster.

So as well as not following up such thoughts with action you need to go beyond these thoughts - you need to transcend them. How can this be achieved?

  1. Avoid these thoughts arising by staying away from sexually stimulating videos, television programs, events, magazines etc.
  2. Avoid the company of single woman who are looking for a partner.
  3. Give some of your time to a charitable purpose which offers you the opportunity to help people in need.
  4. When you are having sexual thoughts replace them with thoughts of how you can help others and then use that energy to assist people in need either through your charitable work or people who are friends or family.
The first and second task I have given will help you keep away from sexual temptation. The third and forth task will help sublimate your sexual drive and redirect it into the service of humanity. When you choose a charitable cause to serve, choose something close to your heart which you would love to work at. Do not seek any financial reward or personal gain from such service, other than the pleasure and joy you receive from assisting others.

You must not be afraid of your sexual drive - it is a form of creative energy. However it must be put to a higher purpose - a spiritual purpose of charitable service to society. By using this energy in the service of others stray sexual thoughts will gradually subside. In time after a number of years of such selfless service, you may experience a powerful spiritual awakening in which your sexual energy is redirected upwards to your heart. When this happens you become more sensitive to other people and to the world around you and much more aware of inner guidance. You will feel a peace deeper than any you have never known. After this experience sexual temptation will no longer be a problem in your life.

You have had courage in writing to me about this. I trust you understand from my reply the true purpose of sexual energy and how to redirect it to ensure a happy and prosperous future for you and your wife.

Further Help and Resources
If you want further guidance in how to make peace with your sexual energy by redirecting it to a higher purpose I recommend my book Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take Off. (Read in particular 'Your Healing from a Fascination with Sex,' p.186).

Ayal Hurst has written wise words on this subject in her article, Integrity in a Sexual Relationship... "Making a commitment to a certain path, relationship, or person can be a scary thing, and many issues will come up for you when you do. It is really making a commitment to facing yourself - a commitment to your own growth. I think we can and do learn what fits us by being willing to face ourselves and to learn about ourselves by diving deep in a relationship through commitment."

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