Trans4mind Home Page

How Can I Go Beyond Destructive Repeat Behavior in My Relationships?


heart to heart
Question
When I get emotionally hurt and feel betrayed, I numb myself out from feeling and go into survivor mode. I lost my parents as a teenager, my mother to suicide and my father due to a heart attack, I have 3 divorces with men who have all betrayed me and I forgave them all - my son recently committed suicide at 31 on February 28, 2006.

I am still grieving and now in a new relationship and concerned that I am not good in relationships, I worked on myself for the last three years to heal and accept my sorrows. I realized I was a rescuer and changed my ways of thinking. I find that recently after a disagreement and possible betrayal of my current relationship, I just numbed myself out and it took about a day and a half to care again. I resorted to my survivor mode of not caring and thinking I could just make it okay alone. I have unfolded my wings to fly so-to-speak in what my calling is in music and teaching and my faith in God is huge. I am never alone for he is within me and my savior is Jesus Christ.

Here are my questions to you: Are my reactions abnormal? And what can I do to deal with the issues and not go into this mode?

Wallace's reply
Wallace Your email very clearly demonstrates the power of hidden patterns and beliefs carried over into adulthood from early childhood experiences. I wouldn't use the word abnormal to describe your behavior, because many of us unwittingly repeat old outmoded patterns from childhood, but I would certainly call it unhealthy.

I encourage you to write about your memories of what happened and what it felt like, when your mother committed suicide and then do the same for the time when your father died of a heart attack. Try and really unearth the hidden feelings and experiences. If doing this brings up painful emotions, so much the better. Then travel back in time to each of your failed relationships and the suicide of your son and do the same exercise.

See if you can discover repeating patterns in these experiences that date from the time your mother and father died. Unearth buried beliefs that have formed as a result of these early experiences with your parents and through your writing see if you can discover how these hidden beliefs from childhood have been shaping your adult experiences and relationships. For example you may uncover the belief that when you enter into a relationship it is not secure because the person will only leave. (This is how a child might rationalize the loss of a parent). If you have this belief and other related beliefs become aware of them by writing them down and perhaps sharing them with a friend.

Once you become conscious of your hidden beliefs and how they are determining the course of your relationships in adult life, you need to create a space between who you really are (a strong and powerful adult) and these childhood beliefs. A child has no way of rationalizing or understanding loss, and so creates simple beliefs that she can use to explain what is happening. You need no longer be that hurt and wounded child with these wayward beliefs. You can choose to have mature adult beliefs about relationships, death and loss. You need to create these new more mature beliefs and write them down after a period of reflection. Then if you are in a relationship and you find these old patterns and emotions arising, you need to catch that these are old outmoded reactions, identify the childhood beliefs that underlie them, and switch to your new adult beliefs.

Once you can successfully create a space between you and your old childhood beliefs and instead adopt new adult beliefs about relationships, you will have more mature relationships in all areas of your life. If you want further help with this I suggest doing Peter Shepherd's Communication and Relationships Course to give you an adults understanding and belief system about relationships. If you would like to do a workshop with other people to address these issues I suggest www.landmarkeducation.com. This is a worldwide organization that runs weekend courses to help people discover and go beyond destructive patterns they are repeating in their lives.

By committing yourself to working through the buried emotional pain and trauma, discovering your hidden childhood beliefs about relationships, and replacing them with new adult beliefs, you will be laying the seeds for a new joyful beginning, with successful relationships in all areas of your life.

Read more questions on this topic


personal development
MOST SHARED ON TRANS4MIND.COM THIS WEEK...

Most popular hypnosis downloads...

  • Mindfulness Meditation Pack ~ Get the very most from every moment of every day and develop a deep well of inner calm.
  • Let Go of the Past ~ This program will set you free to make the most of your life.
  • The Next Level ~ Designed to radically boost your performance in any field. It's based on a technique used by top athletes and other successful people to help them make a big stride forward.
  • Create Your Own Reality ~ Use the power of your unconscious mind to transform your life.
  • Deeper Self Respect ~ Use hypnosis to connect with your true inner worth.
  • Detach From Fear ~ Tune out nervousness and anxiety with hypnosis.
  • Generalized Anxiety Treatment ~ Use hypnosis as a generalized anxiety disorder treatment and you can feel calm today.
  • Improving Concentration and Focus ~ Learn how to discipline, direct and command your mind to improve your performance.
  • Exercise Motivation ~ Give you powerful keys to getting back on track with your exercise - and staying there.
  • Overcoming Shyness ~ Provides an invisible security blanket allowing you to develop social ease and overcome shyness.
  • Quick Confidence Booster ~ An audio hypnosis session that's specifically designed to get you (quickly!) back on track.
  • Stop Negative Thoughts ~ Learn powerful hypnotic techniques to stop negative thoughts before they start.
  • Overcoming Procrastination ~ Let hypnosis help you get on with what you need to do, when you need to do it. Let nothing hold you back.
  • Think Thin ~ Use hypnosis to re-train your brain and lose weight naturally... that's how to get and stay slim.
  • Fall Asleep Fast ~ Relearn how to fall asleep fast and enjoy a good night's sleep.
Search now on an issue that interests or concerns you...
 

Click here to go to Centerpointe
Holosync is the most powerful meditation, personal growth and mind development tool available. Meditating with the aid of Holosync is effortless and deeply relaxing - plus it enables you to make quantum leaps in awareness and emotional health...
Check out the Holosync Solution

Inspiring Quotes of the Week

When you subscribe to our free service, each Tuesday you'll receive several transformational quotes on a new topic - with commentary by Peter Shepherd - to inspire you throughout the week...
Plus an excellent article on the topic and news of the latest additions to Trans4mind ...with special offers on our products!
Subscribe now... it's free!

Your address will remain 100% confidential
and it's just one click to unsubscribe.
SPECIAL BONUS FOR SUBSCRIBERS!
Transformational eBook Library... a collection of 40 PDFs for you to download that will really help to turn your life around!
eLibrary
World of Inspiration eLibrary
Get exclusive access to the eLibrary... an entire world of personal development resources - and its all waiting for you to explore!
This is an astonishing resource with thousands of quality personal development and spiritual ebooks, courses, websites and full-length ebooks - many made especially available for this library. Gigabytes of great info... everyone who joins is amazed at the breadth and depth of content. If you're a curious person, open minded and want to learn - then this is for you!
"WOW! This collection is probably the best money I ever spent! I've already received many times over in personal enrichment after just 9 days."~ J.S. (Pennsylvania, USA)
Our free meditation program to awaken heart-consciousness...
Love is All You Need
Trans4mind
Our videos on YouTube...Follow Trans4mind on TwitterCheckout Trans4mind at Facebook
MANY RESOURCES arrow   OUR PRODUCTS arrow
Copyright © 1997-2014 Trans4mind Ltd