I believe I have always "spiritualized" the episodes of my life - good or bad. If bad things happened I analyzed what I did to deserve it. If good things happened I felt God must have recognized something in me - and I should keep going. Growing up I had a violent father who actually is somewhat of a tragic hero to me now as he is a seeker, like me. My mother I believe was utterly overwhelmed with the truth and therefore chose to not acknowledge it in any way - it was her only personal defense and illusion of protection for us. I took this illusion to heart and developed a second personality that emerged around 3rd grade until a few years after I graduated college. After a messy break-up with a boyfriend, I finally let go. During this time I got a spiritual message that my mother was in danger. I felt it with every cell in my body. I called her and told her to take my sibling and leave my father, which after a few weeks she did. I felt very guilty about this. The counselor I had been seeing referred me to a specialist who diagnosed me MPD/DID and put me on an antidepressant. I kept working through this time and trying to move forward.
On my birthday I adopted a parrot. She was a golden angel that brought me back into the light - and I met who now is my husband. That was a little more than 10 yrs ago. About 5 yrs ago I was frustrated in my job and started taking a "yoga" class backed by a "world-saving" effort. It ended up being a cult - I was in it for about 2 yrs as an instructor. Got a clue, got out and got working again.
The question is this... I know I am strong in different ways than other people. But I am also weaker than others -- relationships have become harder for me. I feel angry and judgmental, depressed and lonely but intermittently joyous that I have prevailed. How can I feel happy and fulfilled? How can I rest inside my heart and really share the love I feel?
Thank you for your interesting and challenging question. Your story is an amazing journey revealing what a young, innocent child does in order to survive violence.
Multiple personalities are rare. I have successfully worked with one woman who fits in this category. She could shift her physical body instantaneously with a shift of consciousness. This is the core definition of a multiple personality.
If you can change the physical form instantaneously you are a multiple personality. For example, one personality can have a disease such as diabetes and another can be free of that disease.
One personality can have good eyesight; another must wear glasses to see. These dramatic shifts of physical matter are exciting.
This ability reveals how powerful we can be in both destructive and constructive ways. Multiple personalities use this talent to change their consciousness to avoid reality and run away into fantasy. Therefore, they create massive confusion and self-destruction.
However, this same ability could be used by humanity to shift our consciousness so that we no longer have physical problems. The day will arrive when we can change our physical body at the atomic level like Jesus of Galilee did. So remember this is possible and practice developing this skill.
If you already posses this skill you need to be using it to make dramatic changes toward reality instead of away from it. You can shift your consciousness into reality so that you learn how to heal the past and use your real life experiences to make you stronger and more resilient.
As Florida Scott Maxwell, a suffrage and psychologist, wrote, "You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done... you are fierce with reality."
Being fierce with reality is the only way you can become strong and healthy. Let this be your primary goal. Become fierce with reality.
However, you probably cannot make this journey alone because of your ability to twist and distort reality. You need a wise and skillful teacher to show you how to feel your way out of your confusion and darkness.
Let us now look at dissociation. Dissociation is not rare. Children who experience sexual or physical abuse usually do dissociate. When you dissociate you leave your body. As a holistic psychologist, I never like to use psychological labels because it is not helpful to identity with any label. However, the concept of dissociation can be helpful in understanding your current behavior. For example, it makes perfect sense to a child in the middle of pain to leave the scene when your body is being abused. Therefore, you disassociate yourself from the physical pain and emotional pain in the moment.
However, dissociation is one of the major reasons sexual and physical abuse is so hard to overcome. Nevertheless, you can completely transform your psychological damage by reclaiming your body and sexuality. To reclaim your body and sexuality you need to return home to your body and feel it. Most people who have left their body hate their body and find it disgusting. Therefore love for your body must be cultivated so you can heal your physical and emotional wounds.
Learning how to live in your body needs to be your primary goal.
For more information about how to heal your emotional wounds, read past columns
about self-love, emotional maturity, overcoming negative past learning and trust in relationships. Also read the columns on natural depression and anxiety treatments.
"Effectiveness is the measure of truth."
~ Aloha philosophy
You are struggling with illusions vs. truths. Denial vs. reality. Spiritual seekers seek the truth because the truth is the only energy, which produces spiritual results.
How do you know if something is true or not?
How can you tell when you are in a state of illusion?
The best way to tell if you are in truth or not is to look at your results. Your life is effective when you are living in the vibration of truth. Your life in not effective when you are living in illusions.
Knowing the energy of truths vs. illusions is essential if you want to be healthy and happy. Knowing this difference is also the basis of good mental health.
As your story reveals, sometimes you are in illusion and sometimes you are not. Sometimes you know this and sometimes you do not. This is usually the case with most of us. We move back and forth between truth and illusion. This is the spiritual journey. We are moving out of unconscious darkness into the light of truth.
Knowing the Truth
It is possible to know the truth by feeling it. The way to know the truth is to experience reality directly through your body. This is another reason you need to return to your body.
Your mind and thoughts will totally confuse you, misguide you and reverse reality on you. In contrast, your physical form is your direct connection with physical reality. When you return home to your body you will be able to feel reality. Your body is your instrument for directly experiencing reality.
When you are in your body and your energy is grounded, you will experience reality. You will know if someone is telling the truth by feeling his or her energy. The vibration of truth is dramatically different from the vibration of illusions.
First let me define spiritualizing. Many people spiritualize the events in their life. Spiritualizing is a fancy, deceptive way to control yourself and your environment. When you control anything you are in an ego state instead of being in the truth.
Spiritualizing means you use spiritual ideas and beliefs to control yourself, your environment and other people. This is the reason so-called spiritual people can be so rigid and unhealthy. Their ego is maintained by spiritualizing.
When you spiritualize yourself or an event, you cover up real problems with spiritual energy or thoughts forms. For example, a woman at one of my nature workshops had a pink cloud across her face. At first glance I saw a smile and a pretty face. However, the feeling of her energy was not happy or light. As I continued to sense her, I found there was a lot going on underneath the surface. Behind the pink energy was a very large mass of dark, dense, black, sickly energy.
This woman was spiritualizing. She was putting pink energy on top of her black energy to hide her real problems. The spiritual pink cloud was hiding her dark energy and real pain. Of course, she could not hide the truth from someone who reads energy. However, she could hide the truth from herself and others who could not feel or sense energy. Thus you can see the advantages you will have when you learn how to sense energy.
When you spiritualize anything, you fool yourself because you are living in fantasy instead of reality. Usually the results are devastating. Your life does not bear fruit. In your case, you landed in a cult. There are many cults, which masquerade as spiritual centers, yoga centers and healing groups. These controlling leaders are in every country. A famous one in Denmark fooled several of my students for a short period of time.
Spiritual cult leaders, therapists who abuse their clients, men who sexually abuse children, are all in the same category. They are needy, emotionally immature people. They need psychological help.
You need help in recognizing needy leaders and therapists before they hurt you. However, give yourself a great deal of credit because you noticed you were in a cult. This is huge. You sensed you were being controlled by your yoga leader and got out on your own. This is the ability you need to develop and learn to trust.
Use this same feeling ability to sense an honest psychologist or teacher. Then allow her or him to show you how to feel the truth through your body so you can stop living a life of fantasy. Then you will rest in your heart and be able to share the love you feel. You will also be able to use your natural talents in self-loving ways because you are fierce with reality.
- Come back into your body. You need to return home slowly and safely to your body. Do not enter your body suddenly or with force or you will scare yourself into a higher state of anxiety. Instead, find a trained psychologist who knows how to help you unlearn your past abusive conditioning. If you can find someone who also knows how to do emotional, energy work so much the better. Flashbacks will occur and you must be prepared and ready to deal with them. A qualified therapist will help you decondition these memories out of your body so that you no longer have nightmares. Read a free psychology article about body awareness.
- Learn how to feel energy. You must be able to know what is real and what is your imagination. You must be able to choose between fantasy and reality. Teaching you how to read energy in your own body is the only way I know to do this. Begin to increase your awareness of energy and how it feels. Take classes, courses and practice. Read Jack Swartz's books. Come to a Nature Workshop, Saturday, Oct. 22 near NYC and Philadelphia, PA to learn how to feel energy.
- Love your body. You need to shift out of hate for your body into love for your body. You will do this slowly as you come back into your body. Start with one part of your body that you can appreciate just a little bit. Begin to be kind to this part of your body. Nourish it and comfort it. Read this free psychology article about the reasons it is important to love your body.
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist and trained, sex therapist with 35 years of experience helping men and women reclaim their body and sexuality. She is available for phone and skype consultations. As director of the Center for New Psychology she mentors and trains professionals in holistic psychology. Visit her website for contact information, free psychology articles and sign up for her free newsletter, "