My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past 18 months, we are in a distance relationship. My problem is that I feel sometimes he is so insecure and that is why I sometimes lie to him a lot. And he hates this so much, it hurts him a lot, I don't know how I can stop this. Most of the time in my life I feel like I am not being myself, like I like living according to the expectations of people not to what I want in life. Thus I end up not knowing what am doing, or I end up doing something that I had no intension of doing. I feel I have lost track of my life now. Please help me...
Thank you for being honest about your dishonesty. You have lost track of your life because you have lost track of the energy of your authentic self.
Your human dilemma goes to the heart of the current problem with all of humanity. We desperately need to open our hearts and be true to ourselves.... or down the drain we may go!
Being true to yourself is what you are not able to do. You are caught up in reacting, rather than being. You are conditioned to respond with expectations so that you behave like a puppet instead of a human being. Your childhood conditioning invaded your autonomic nervous system, the lining of your stomach and muscles.
It is helpful, that you are aware of your lack of authenticity. Awareness will help you overcome your problems if you continue to become aware of the other truths that are in your unconscious, such as your real feelings and emotions. Awareness is the first step in transformation.
However, you are stuck. When you observe yourself saying something to your boyfriend that you do not want to, you cannot stop lying. How could this be? How could you be so out of control of your behavior that you cannot stop yourself from lying?
This is an amazing fact. Many people behave in ways they have no intention of behaving. This proves that awareness and intention are not enough to achieve personal mastery. From overeating to lying, humans are conditioned to act out their feelings, instead of feeling them.
This is the reason I would like to see learning research taught in the first grade as a basic course and continued until graduation in all countries. There is a huge body of information that is reliable, predictable and helpful. Then children would know how to decondition their past unhealthy learning and prevent future unhealthy conditioning from occurring.
To answer your question accurately, I would need to do a private consultation to explore your learning history and behavior.
The first thing I need to know is "the energy" you are referring to when you say your boyfriend is "insecure." Is he really "insecure"? Or is he being open and vulnerable? You could be mislabeling his behavior if vulnerability is distasteful to you. In which case you are being judgmental of his authentic feelings and emotions.
Did you notice the unkind words the actress Jane Fonda said about her philanthropic ex-husband, Ted Turner? She called him "insecure" in media interviews that were written and recorded all over the world. However, when I listened to what she was saying, looked at her body language and read her energy, it was clear she was closed and defended. Ted Turner is the one with a more open, loving, kind heart.
Here are some questions to answer:
When you experience your boyfriend being "insecure" what are your thoughts toward him?
Do you have any mental judgments against him?
What do you feel inside your heart when he is "insecure"?
When you lie, what are you thinking?
When you lie, what are you feeling?
What else triggers your lying?
How anxious are you in general?
How anxious are you when you are with your boyfriend?
I also need to know if you have lied to others. If so, you have a compulsive lying problem. Compulsive lying is extremely difficult to turn around. The reason? It is a symptom of total rejection of the real self. You dislike yourself so much you have created a fantasy world to live in.
As a holistic psychologist with 35 years of clinical experience, I also know this problem is usually compounded by the fact that you do not trust anyone. If this is the case, my heart goes out to you because you are alone, separated and isolated. When you do not trust anyone, this means you do not trust someone to help you. Trust is a prerequisite for a therapeutic relationship.
Your lack of trust is a serious relationship issue that must be restored before help is possible. You probably suffer from trust issues that go back to your early childhood. I am sure your parents rejected your real self; therefore, you learned to reject your real self.
This means you need to unlearn this rejection of your real self in order to stop lying. When you love your real self rather than reject her, you will be getting back on track. Then it will not be difficult to become master of your behavior.
But first, you need to find something or someone to trust. Perhaps you could trust nature? Nature is the most real, loving energy I know. I trusted nature a long time before I trusted people. Gravity is very reliable, so are trees! Trees are very giving; you can lean up against them and feel their strong energy. My hope is, you can trust nature, if not, keep looking.
Some people trust God, as in the light. Since you know God sees everything you do, perhaps you can trust the energy of God to show you the way to truth. Nothing else but the truth will heal you. You need to walk your truths, speak your truths and live your truths. You will go down the drain if you are not truthful.
Whenever you lie, your body, heart and energy field become weaker. Perhaps you could find a holistic psychologist, spiritual teacher or relationship coach who you could trust? See if you can sense someone's loving energy coming from his or her heart. Then you could trust this person and let her them help you.
Look around, because working in a therapeutic, healthy relationship with another person is the most dependable way to learn how to move from self-rejection to self-acceptance. In addition, if you work with someone who teaches you to sense energy, it is the fastest and most fun way to be successful. Investing in yourself is the best investment you will ever make in life.
The relationship dynamics between you and your boyfriend could also be that he is really is insecure and you can feel this energy. If he is insecure, you could be compassionate, understanding and loving instead of hurtful and mean. The truth is, you are also insecure or you would not be lying.
Therefore the goal for you is to learn how to accept and love yourself when you are insecure. When you find, love and protect your emotional self you will be able to be compassionate toward yourself and your boyfriend when either of you are insecure or vulnerable.
Then you will not need to lie because you will be feeling your feelings instead of acting them out or denying them. How much easier your life will be! Then your body and energy field will reflect your truths instead of your lies.
Then you can have fun developing your intuition. When you use your intuition, you sense reality directly. This means you know the truth by directly experiencing it. Your lying ego will not be able to get control of you then!
You and your boyfriend could take a class together. As you help each other become more intuitive, you both will become more secure with each other.
Action Steps to Take
- Find some real energy or some real person to trust. Find that which is real and solid. Surrender to reality. Practice sensing the difference between the real energy you can trust and the lies coming from your ego.
- Love your insecurities and vulnerabilities. Your strength is in your vulnerability. Don't forget, "the meek shall inherit the earth." Find an open, vulnerable person you admire and become like him or her. Use famous people as models who are secure enough to admit they are insecure.
- Develop your intuition. When you access and use your intuition, you trust your real self. Your authentic self is intuitive. Your ego is not. To learn more about how to develop your intuition hear a interview with Louise Hauck (an intuitive, time traveler and author who saw people jumping out of the world trade centers on 9-11) at "Live at the Edge," free Internet radio.
- Trust nature and use her as a guide. Spent time in nature and take workshops that help you experience your energy in relationship to nature. This will help you sense real energy so you become more authentic, strong and healthy. Exercise to develop your intuition and imagination will be part of the group activities. Join me at Cape May, New Jersey, April 30 for a direct experience of your real self that will be hard to forget. Dr. Jeanette's, "Opening the Heart" audio and eBook, guides you into finding, accepting and loving the real self.
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette is licensed psychologist with 35 years of experience teaching people how to be true to their body, heart and soul. She is available on the phone and in person for consultations. Dr. Jeanette offers holistic psychology mentoring and training programs for people interested in learning how to sense energy, develop their feeling ability and use sound and color for transformation. Sign up for her free newsletter, "