This week I am going to answer two people's questions at once. I am going to address the common thread - emotions...
I have been married for 7 years. Until now I was a very happy go lucky character - pleased with my job, house, my fitness. All of a sudden I see around me everyone has a family, kids, life - while mine seems so empty. My spouse and I never had much of physical relation. Now I feel something terribly amiss in my life. Why didn't I feel like nesting before? Am I abnormal? Women after marriage think of kids, family, etc. I never felt that way. Why now? Will having a family settle me? Also I suffer from deep emotional bruises - whatever anyone says stays in my mind, replaying it constantly and hurting me. How do I get out of this emotional roller coaster ride?
My girlfriend usually talks to me about her ex-boyfriend. Shares her all feelings that she had and somewhere inside her, still having some a parts of it. But it didn't affect me; instead I used to tell her that she must share her sorrow, pain, etc to me. And she did so, she frankly tells me about their past time and I never interrupt or ignore when she praises or admires him. But now when she told me that she is having a simple conversation with him since a few days ago, and yet she admires him like she did before. She feels very happy and all like that, she even told me that she too doesn't know why, but whenever she hears his name, a sudden smile appears on her face. I don't know why but it "hurts" me. I can't say anything to her, not even my friends, because it was me who forced her to share her all feelings to me so that she may get relaxed. And now I am getting possessive. After all, a first love is the first love, especially in case of an Indian girl from a small town. Please tell me what should I do? I really love her, would do anything for her, for her happiness, but their conversations hurt me a lot.
The common thread of emotions will be addressed so that both of you get specific answers which can improve your emotional health. You will also get information about your thoughts, feelings, energy and defensiveness. Thank you for your questions.
First, let me remind you of the huge difference between your thoughts and your feelings. If you are not aware of the difference between the energy of a thought and the energy of a feeling, you can easily become confused. Therefore, you need to learn to tell the difference so you can be absolutely clear about what is transpiring within you, and outside of you.
It will come as a shock to many people that being "hurt" is often a defensive response. "Defensive hurt" has nothing to do with authentic emotions and feelings. So it is extremely important to discover what you are really feeling. You could be confusing your thoughts with your feelings and you may be reacting defensively instead of being open and emotional.
There is also a huge difference between being closed and being open. When you are closed, your charkas are closed and you are in what psychologists call a defensive state. In the closed, defensive position you are weak and unhealthy.
The reason you are weak is because you are not allowing your natural energy to flow through you. Without healthy energy in your mind and body you cannot be strong and vital. In contrast, when you are open, your chakras are open. You are strong and healthy because your natural energy is flowing throughout your body and mind. Your energy is what gives your cells the nourishment they need to be healthy.
I was so happy when I began to notice and use energy as the basis of the New Psychology. Check out the definition of the New Psychology
if you have not done so.
The reason I was so excited was because energy is the only way to know the truth about psychological dynamics. If you don't use energy, you can easily talk yourself into circles. You can deny serious emotional problems, think you have mental problems that you don't really have, and even boost up your ego so much you become more defended and closed.
Psychobabble can keep both you and your therapist stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics for the rest of your lives. In which case both of you would continue to repeat the same unhealthy learning's from your past over and over again in your relationships.
For instance, you and your therapist could talk each other into a complete denial of reality. Both of you could believe, "You are wonderful and your husband is not wonderful. Conclusion: "You need to leave your husband and find a better one."
Your therapist and you could believe, "You are sensitive and your girlfriend is not sensitive." Conclusion: "You need to forget about your insensitive girlfriend and find one that does not "hurt" you so much."
Your ego is so clever and determined that it can fool your therapist because your therapist may also be controlled by his ego! Many people do not make progress in therapy for this every reason. It is also possible that your therapist does not know the difference between her thoughts and feelings. If your therapist is perfect and has all the answers, he is in a controlled mental, ego state.
Therefore, it is extremely important for you to move beyond talk and talk therapy in order to get to the truth about your emotional and relationship interactions. You need a physical sense of what a real hurt is as opposed to a "defensive hurt."
You need to learn to feel your human energy as real energy that is palpable. Then you will know if you are being defensive and closed or if you are being open and healthy. Otherwise, psychobabble will keep you stuck in unhealthy situations and you will repeat your original emotional wound throughout your life.
"...a sudden smile appears on her face. I don't know why but it "hurts" me."
Now, let's look at your "hurt." You experience "hurt" when your girlfriend talks loving of an ex-boyfriend. Are you feeling hurt or something else? Where do you experience the "hurt"? What is the source of the "hurt?"
There is a huge difference between your emotional self-being hurt and your ego being "hurt." I suspect that you are thinking thoughts such as, "Does she love me as much as him? I don't think she does love me as much as him. I could never be as important to her as he was," and so on.
These are your thoughts. You also have emotional feelings and physical feelings. What are they? To know what you feel, you must look inward. You need to experience the energy that is in your heart and solar plexus. What do you feel in your body?
I suspect that the emotion you really feel in your body and solar plexus is fear. You feel scared that your girlfriend does not and will not love you as much as she loved her ex-boyfriend. This means you feel insecure and unsure of yourself. You do not trust that she loves you. As a result you tighten up your body and close your heart and solar plexus.
You may also close other chakras. In this closed state love cannot penetrate you. You hold your truths back and do not relate to your girlfriend so that energy can flow back and forth between you. You are not being open and honest, you are inhibited. As a result, you are possessive and controlling.
What you call "hurt" is based on your thoughts about what you are afraid of. You feel upset when she talks about her ex-boyfriend and interpret her affection for him to mean that she does not love you. It is your ego that thinks it is "hurt."
If you were my client I would suggest a different point of view. Reality may be very different from what you think. I would help you get in touch with your feelings and emotions so you can feel your vulnerabilities. I would teach you to take responsibility for your insecurities and stop projecting your fears and thoughts on your girlfriend.
Your girlfriend has proven she is capable of love. This means you need to open the door to your heart and solar plexus so her love can come in. How she talks about her ex-boyfriend is how she will talk about you if you let her love you. When anyone talks about a past relationship lovingly this is an excellent sign for a future lover or partner.
The women you need to worry about are the ones who talk about their ex in unloving ways. These women did not love their ex and will talk about you in the same way when they have finished with you! Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior so use this bit of psychological research often.
"I suffer from deep emotional bruises-whatever anyone says stays in my mind replaying it constantly and hurting me."
If I were working with you, I would help you become aware of your thoughts. Whenever you are playing events over and over again in your brain you are engaged in obsessive thinking. You are probably blaming and finding fault with others and with yourself. You are hurting yourself because this energy is defensive. Defensive energy is unhealthy and has nothing to do with emotional energy.
When you are repeating these thoughts in your head, your charkas are closed. You are probably holding on to resentment and bitterness. These mental states become unhealthy energy constellations in your body and energy field. Overtime, they can begin to create physical disease. You definitely need to take actions to begin to remove this dense energy from your energy field and body.
Therefore, I would help you get in touch with your authentic emotions. They are hiding underneath your defensive thoughts. What do you feel in your heart and body? When you directly experience your real emotions, you immediately increase your healthy energy flow. This vital energy is what removes the denser energy in your body and energy field.
My professional knowledge tells me that underneath your thoughts, you feel hurt. Your heart has been deeply wounded. Your inner little girl, who is your emotional self, is in profound pain. She needs you to pay attention to your emotional wounds so you can heal them.
You need to learn how to feel your feelings and stay with yourself in the emotional state instead of becoming defensive and finding fault with those who hurt you. The goal is to become a loving, caring person toward yourself first, and then others.
Once you know how you feel, you can learn assertive relationship skills. Then you will effectively express your honest feelings to your husband and meet your needs. You will return to your happy go lucky self because you are healing your emotional wounds. My prediction is your husband will be delighted to have the happy you back and his heart will open up to you again.
My hope, for the two people who asked these questions, is that you will be true to yourself and your feelings. Then you will be genuinely happy, scared and sad as life happens. There will be many ups and downs, as you grow wiser and expand your awareness of your feelings and emotions.
Saying goodbye to your defensive energy will create much more joy in your life. This I can promise you.
Action Steps to Move Forward:
- Get to know your defensive energy. This is very hard to do on your own. We all resist so much; it takes a good knock on the head to get us to notice! The best way to learn is with a master teacher, emotional health coach or holistic psychologist. Also, listen to any feedback you get from others.
- Stop thinking and start feeling your body. The best way to learn is by experience. Get to know the difference between being in your head and being in your body. Take body focused workshops and practice sensing the difference. Read more about the difference between thoughts and feelings in the free library at drjeanette.com. Check out the Nature Workshop, April 30 in Cape May, NJ, it will give you practice in feeling your body and allowing more energy to flow through it.
- Learn to sense and feel your emotions. You must let go of control in order to feel this vital energy inside of you. Anything that helps you relax is helpful. Take courses and classes with good emotional health teachers who know how to feel and sense their own emotions. A safe starting point is to use the "Opening the Heart" audio and eBook to ease yourself into your emotions so you begin to feel comfortable with them. They teach you how to feel the difference between a thought and a feeling and guide you into finding, accepting and healing your emotional wounds.
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Dr. Doris Jeanette is a licensed psychologist with 35 years of experience teaching men and woman how to feel their feelings. It is fun, exciting and healthy for her. She is available for phone sessions, mentoring and training in holistic psychology. Check out her programs and sign up for her free newsletter, "