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I am suffering from an inferiority complex since childhood days. How can I find a life partner who truly loves me?

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: Hindu
Hopes and aspirations: First quit my inferiority complex and searching for a best person for my life (my life partner).
I am suffering with inferiority problem since my childhood days. First I want to remove it from my mind. I want to improve courage, positive thinking, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I am average person, not that much beautiful. I want a life partner who loves me, not my beauty. So please help me. And also I want to improve my spiritual power.
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Thank you for your question on self-esteem and beauty. The outside world, media, and sexist culture we live in today do not help average people feel their beauty. Let me tell you a secret that might help you begin to feel more attractive and self-confident. Even the most beautiful women in the world do not have solid self-esteem.

Take Marylyn Monroe. She was the most famous beauty in the USA movie scene when I was growing up. At one point in her life, she was married to the famous intellectual playwright, Arthur Miller. Yet, Marilyn committed suicide. She was never able to relax and be self confident about her body and brains.

Self-esteem has nothing to do with beauty or brains because Marilyn Monroe had plenty of both. It does not matter how beautiful or smart you are, possessing these qualities do not improve your self-esteem. Since you are in a post-doctorate program you certainly have brains. But your intelligence does not help you feel emotionally secure.

The majority of people are average looking and you may or may not be average. Many times attractive people under estimate their beauty. Even the most beautiful, do not feel beautiful. So stay open to accepting the reality of your beauty wherever it may be.

In an earlier column I mentioned that every human being on the planet suffers from low self-esteem. More and more movie stars and world leaders admit they have psychological problems such as anxiety and low self-esteem. So please remember: from terrorists to movie stars, humans have trouble valuing their beauty and magnificence.

Low self-esteem is learned at a very early age. This means "the way you see yourself" will not change unless you actively engage in personal growth. However, if you want to improve your self-esteem, you can do so by leaps and bounds!

You do not have to live with your faulty, unhealthy conditioning. You have the ability to unlearn your false beliefs, redefine your misinterpretations and cease the magical thinking of your younger years.

When you feel good about yourself, everything is wonderful. When you feel bad about yourself, nothing is wonderful. This is why self-esteem is so important. Your relationship to yourself is the most important relationship in the whole world.

If you have a good relationship with yourself you will be happy and healthy. If you do not have a good relationship with yourself, you will be physically sick, emotionally insecure, mentally unstable and perhaps suicidal.

Feeling Good About Yourself Can Make You Beautiful
Did you know that if you felt good about yourself you could actually become more beautiful and attractive? How could this be? Easily. When you are self-confident, you are more relaxed. When your face and body are relaxed, all of the natural beauty you possess becomes more obvious and visible. A relaxed face is a pretty face. A tight, worried face is not a pretty face. A relaxed body is attractive and inviting. A tight body is hard and cold.

Also, if you find, accept and love your emotional self, your energy will be affected in a most delightful manner. If you allow your vital, emotional energy to flow freely throughout your body, you will glow. When you glow you are radiating out positive energy to the world around you. Other people can feel your glowing, flowing energy and they are attracted to you. This is called magnetic energy.

Energy is the reason people move closer to people who are relaxed and open. Glowing, flowing energy will attract a life partner. Energy is the reason people move away from people who are closed and judgmental. Closed, controlled energy will repel a potential life partner.

So if you want to become more beautiful you need to focus on learning how to relax. If you want to attract a life partner, you need to develop yourself emotionally and you will be more magnetic and attract a soul mate.

Do Not Compare Yourself With Others
First, let me advise you not to fall prey to mass consciousness and its definition of beauty. You do not have to accept or agree with the definition of beauty you see in the magazines, movies or on TV. You see half-naked women "made up" and unnatural in glamour, staged ads. These ads are selling cars, beer and junk to the masses. Bollywood and Hollywood movies usually portray phony images, not real people. So, please give up chasing unrealistic images of self-confident.

Even if you compare yourself to real people and not images, you will still fall short. You are sure to be miserable if you compare yourself to others who are more beautiful, more successful, richer, smarter and so on.

Your ego is very sneaky and loves to compare you to others to make you feel bad about yourself. Your ego is famous for putting you in a lose-lose situation. Lose-lose means the energy is irrational and there is no way you can win. You will always fall short.

This is the reason it is extremely important to evaluate yourself based on your own achievements and progress. Put yourself in a win-win situation. Set up a step-by-step self-improvement program where you are sure to win. If you compare yourself to yourself, you can become a better person this year than you were last year.

Then you can feel good about your progress. You have done enough and you are enough. You can feel proud of yourself for your real improvement. This is solid self-esteem.

Develop Yourself
If you focus on what you have, instead of what you do not have, you will get better results. You were born with many innate abilities and amazing natural talents. If you focus on your human potential you can become an interesting, exciting, fun, playful person to be around.

Put your energy into finding and developing your attractive qualities. Being beautiful is not the only quality that makes you attractive. I have many friends in my life and each one supplies a need I have.

For example, I need to be around creative people. I don't even think of how beautiful they are. I love their creative energy. I love my creative friends because they are creative and they feed my creativity.

Therefore you can become more:
All of these qualities will make you more attractive and desirable as a friend and partner. The simple act of developing yourself and your spiritual powers will automatically improve your self-confidence.

Accept your low self-esteem as a reality and begin to improve how you think of yourself. You are very judgmental of yourself. You find fault with your beauty. You do not like who you are. This needs to shift if you want to improve your self-esteem. You need to shift into self-love and self-acceptance. To help you achieve this goal, you need a heart to heart connection between the adult you and your emotional self. You also need a loving relationship between you and your body.

At this point you are rejecting both your emotional self and body. Please realize that you cannot pretend to like yourself. Your emotional self can feel the difference between pretending and loving. You have to really begin to like yourself.

Give yourself the best Valentine's Day gift in the world. Improve your relationship with yourself by increasing the love you give to your emotional self and your body. Just a little bit each day will result in more solid self-esteem.

Action Steps to Improve Self Esteem
  1. Stop comparing yourself to unrealistic images and other people. Focus only on your own improvement and movements forward. Set up realistic goals you can reach each week to move forward. Start out with an easy goal so you have immediate success.
  2. Stop judging yourself. Stop finding fault with your face, body and emotional self. Notice how many negative thoughts about yourself you have each day. Then shift out of self-judgments into self-acceptance. The online course, Overcome Anxiety Naturally, leads you step by step out of self-judgments into self-acceptance and includes many other self-esteem boosting body exercises. (Cultivate Life readers can get a 30.00 bonus off the regular price if ordered by Feb. 7, put LIFE! in the coupon box.)
  3. Develop a heart to heart connection with your emotional self. You are currently rejecting your emotional self. Find, accept and love your emotional self. Meeting her or his needs results in an increase of magnetic energy in your body and energy field. This flowing, glowing energy attracts people to you. To find, accept and love your emotional self, use the emotional guide, "Opening the Heart." (Cultivate Life! readers can get a $30.00 bonus off the regular price if ordered by Feb. 7 - put LIFE! in the coupon box.)
  4. Develop a loving relationship with your body. Start by loving any physical part of your body that you sincerely like. Notice how much the loved part responses to your love. Give it more love and expand your love to other parts of your body. To help you listen to your body, accept its wisdom and love it, I recommend, "Hear Your Body Talking" self help audio.
If you live in a country, such as India, where the exchange rate is extremely low you can contact Dr. Jeanette for deeper discounts via her contact information at

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D, knows the pain of low self-esteem and the joys of self-love and self-acceptance. She loves to show women and men how to increase self-love during experiential, emotional-energy sessions both in-person and on the phone. She is currently in Glenwood Springs, CO where she is accepting a few in-person energy sessions. Contact information and the sign up form for her free newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment."

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