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How do I deal with in laws who are against me and how do I rescue my relationship with my fiancé?
About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am the oldest of three siblings with a firm belief In God. I believe that nothing happens by chance and know that God is indeed in control of our lives.
Hopes and aspirations: I am currently working towards starting my own company, which I believe requires focus, hard work and determination. In simplicity, I aspire to be the best that I can possibly be.
I am currently engaged with 11-month-old baby girl. My fiancé and I have been together now for 4 years and staying together for about 3 years. I was introduced to his family not long after we started dating and things were fine between all of us, until a time when his mother because too controlling and wanted to run our lives. I prayed and often had to control myself but got to a point where it became rather overwhelming given that I like being independent. I then spoke to my fiancé about it and he was rather sympathetic and understanding. This was all before I fell pregnant. About 7 months later I discovered that I was pregnant which wasn't planned and she became worse. She is constantly sending me very unpleasant text messages about how I have come between her and her son and this is starting to ruin things between us. He approached her but she refused to understand and all this is really worrying me because not only is she my daughters grand mother but she will be mother in law soon.
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette
I am starting to lose interest in this relationship and it's as though I no longer have feelings for him. Deep down I know I really love him but it's as though a curtain has just been pulled between us and we no longer have what we had. How do I deal with in laws who have something against me when I didn't do anything and how do I rescue my relationship with my fiancé? Half the time we fight over his family and their politics and this is starting to taint my view of marriage, realizing that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I want to be happy and love both him and my daughter a lot, just that I am not coping with this whole family situation.
You are experiencing a common relationship problem which surfaces in any long term relationship. The emotional energy dynamics that need to be addressed are various forms of control issues. These control issues are blocking out the love that was once between you and your fiancé. Control is not a healthy way to relate to others, yet our species seems to be exceeding good at this unhealthy relationship behavior!
Your mother in law is used to controlling her son and now he is trapped between you and his mother. He does not know which one to please and he cannot please both of you. It is an excellent sign that he seems to be supportive of you. I hope he is willing to move away from any unhealthy relationship dynamics as the two of you grow together.
Control is the game of the ego. Our parents, governments and religions have controlled us for millennia. In order to grow up and fulfill our purpose in life, we need to look inward for our answers and find our authentic self.
When you fell in love, you and your fiancé fell into the energy of each other's authentic selves. This means you both were open to each other. In this open state, your heart, solar plexus and other charkas where open. In this openhearted state you let love energy flow freely between you. This loving energy feels heavenly and delightful and this blissful state does not last. Eventually your control issues surface and force you to grow and develop yourself. Growing up and becoming a better human being is the work you came here to do.
When you say, "It is as though a curtain has just been pulled between us and we no longer have what we had." This is exactly what has happened energetically. You have moved away from the open position where love flowed easily between you. You have retreated behind a wall of defensive, controlling energy, which feels like a curtain to you.
My guess would be that both of you are in a state of control. You have your curtain around you and he has his curtain around him. This curtain is a denser energy, which you can learn to feel, sense and know. When you relate to each other with your curtains around you, your egos are interacting with each other. Two egos relating to each other, looks very different from the flowing love energy between two authentic selves. Two egos butt heads and have many relationship problems because your hearts are closed. If you are interested in learning to sense and feel the difference between your ego and your authentic self study the Opening the Heart
audio or E-book. It explains many of the emotional energy dynamics so you can let go of control and open your heart.
The goal is to get back to your authentic selves so that you can allow the love to flow between you again. It does not matter what his mother does. It matters what you and he do to bring down the curtains between you so you can feel love again. The more you let go of control, the healthier your relationships will be and the closer you will be to soul fulfillment.
Any successful relationship is the result of two people actively engaged in self-improvement. Both of you need to learn new relationship skills if you want to maintain a healthy relationship over time. I have learned from my 34 years of teaching people how to bring down their curtains, that it is best not to recommend leaving a relationship until you bring down your own curtain. Once you bring down your curtain, the world can look very different than it did before.
However, it is up to you to decide what is best for you and your future child. As the mother you are responsible for protecting and loving your child. This is the most important task before you. You need to take care of yourself so that you are strong in mind body and sprit so that your child can be strong in mind body and spirit.
The best relationship advice I can give you is to focus on becoming emotionally mature. This is the work that will bring down your curtain. Being emotionally mature will make you a better mother and a better partner. Read last weeks article on emotional maturity if you have not already done so because it will help you understand the healthy, openhearted state you want to move toward.
You can be a good model for your child and for the community. One of the most positive role models I know comes from Africa. She is Wangari Maathai. If you have not seen the documentary about her I suggest that you do. It is called Taking Root: The Vision of Wangari Maathai
. I interviewed the Co-Producer and Director of the film on my Internet radio show, Live at the Edge
Wangari won the Nobel Peace Prize because she did not let outside dictators and unhealthy controlling people decide her life for her. She is a great model for all of us to follow. She shows us how to use our strengths and fulfill our purpose in life.
It sounds like you are strong and focused. So use your independence and build on your strengths so that you are emotionally mature, assertive and self-directed. Get to know your human energy so you can tell when your curtain is up and learn how to bring it down and open your heart to more and more love as you grow and develop yourself.
Read more questions on this topic
Marci comments, August 2010:
My husband and I have been married for 46 years! When our relationship was new, it was my father who tried to stir up trouble between us. Although I remained close with my mother, I made the decision early on in my husband and my relationship, to become closer with his family. All four of our parents have passed away and I find that I miss both my mother, mother-in-law and my father-in law. I think about my father and I forgive him for his negative behavior, but I don't miss him nearly as much as my mother or my in-laws. I have no regrets about any of my decisions in life.