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Why do men abuse me... why can't I find a man who will love me for myself?
About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am a Christian and I believe that life is what you make it.
Hopes and aspirations: I would love to start my own business within the next five years and be in a loving relationship.
I am a single woman in my thirties, and dating, however I also grew up without a father present. Though my mother tried to love me enough even though my father was not there, I still have some resentment over not having that relationship. My relationships with men in adult life are tainted. I feel like my self-confidence is not bad. I don't think I have low self-esteem - as a matter of fact I am pretty independent, and do not go looking for a man to take care of me. Yet for some reason when men do become involved with me, they soon turn ugly trying to control me, emotionally abuse me, etc... of which I quickly recognize the signs and I bail out.
Reply by Coach Phil Evans
Why do men abuse me and use me - why can't I just find a man who will love me for me? I must say I look younger than my actual age, maybe that is a factor as well, they think I'm young and stupid. Please help overcome this road block. I do not want to go through life going from man to man, I desire to settle down at some point.
I'll get straight into this for you - and some intuition will be used due to a lack of some vital information. The vital information is why you grew up without a Father? And how old were you when he departed the situation with your Mother (regardless of whether that was due to death or separation)?
Response from Questioner
Okay, I do believe that two major factors are leading to the subconscious beliefs around 'men' in your life: firstly, the fact that your Father deserted you in the first place (regardless of the reason) has left you believing that "men are going to hurt me, and then leave me."
There is also the possibility that you heard certain things told to you by your Mother around the absence of your Father; and that those things may well have been very negative (?) and have left you with similar or the same beliefs as previously mentioned (e.g. men are going to hurt me and then desert me).
If Mr Perfect was to come into your life, you would probably reject him, because he didn't fit the mould which you have sitting there waiting for him to 'pass the test of suitability' .... and therefore you attract the perfect partners (up to now - and you CAN change this) who fit the pre-conceived model of how you 'see' men. I look forward to your thoughts and feedback (if you so desire).
Well, from day one my father wasn't present. He and my mother were never married, although growing up I would see him on occasion for maybe 30 mins to an hour in the living room, then he would leave. When I became about 10 years of age I would go to his house on the weekends and mostly spend that time with my sister and step-mother. He was off doing his own thing. I see your point; I attract the very thing which I do not want, but I have no other examples to go off of and I have a hard time relating to men, like a normal woman would who actually had a father present in their home. I also have this deep fear of becoming alone like my mother, whose father was not emotionally available in the home. How do I break this cycle? What can I do, I'm 33 years old and I wish I could learn to trust without having this fear that something bad is going to eventually happen, so I better prepare for their departure.
Further Reply by Coach Phil Evans
Okay, one very important factor here is that you possibly go looking for the proof or evidence that these guys are going to let you down. And I guarantee you that when we have a belief or paradigm about something (regardless of what that may be) we WILL find the evidence that we are looking for! Guaranteed - every time!
For example: I have a belief that people are beautiful and that the world around me is absolutely wonderful! The evidence that I find every moment of every day reinforces my beliefs! I see the beauty in nature and meet incredible people every day! And the opposite is also true! If my belief were opposite of what it is, I would find bad situations all around me - and the people I meet every day would tend to be ___holes! (Yes - I just say it as it is ... that's part of the authentic me).
I also said, the words and feelings that your Mother used when referring to your Father and other men, will also have had a huge impact on you Tiffany! A Huge impact! You are not only attracting the type of man that you don't want, but you actually seek the type of men who 'fit the current mould' of what a man should be!
Remember this principle of life: what we focus on expands in our world! So if you're focusing on 'what not to attract' then that's exactly what you will attract! 100% guaranteed! Every time!
There is one other aspect of your situation which I will briefly ask you about here and now: I coach people from all over the world; would you like to engage me to coach you through this? The system is simple and the method we use is skype and webcams (using them is so cost effective... brilliant actually) and I will consider a good coaching rate for you as well.
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