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I have lost myself, I just want to hide... How can I get my life back?
I was very abused as a child, in all ways. For the last 6 years I have been a caretaker to my abusers. My mother died in December, leaving me to care for only my father. When my mother died, this horrible dread that constantly covered and followed me lifted. But now my father is worse than ever, saying horrible nasty things to me and thinking I am a flousy. I have lost myself, I just want to hide, my creativity is gone, I have anxiety attacks, it has affected my health also. I used to hear God's voice and float, but I allowed it to be stolen from me. How can I get that back? At my age I need to get on with my awakening, not much time to do what needs to be done. My prayer when I was young was to be able to teach the younger women what I was never taught. Let the older women teach the younger how to love their husbands and keep their children... I have been a failure at all these things, so it is a big step to even consider that I will be able to teach anything to anyone. Right now I am really just out there.
Reply by Coach Maurice Turmel
You have a life that is filled with valuable lessons. To say that you are a failure at so many things is to be abusing yourself. Stop it! You want to make a contribution to other women, you want to help people in their growth? Then become an example of someone who has overcome difficult odds and still chose to serve her fellow human beings.
Get over the abuse cycle which only you are perpetuating now with your constant exposure to that parental poison. Your father is not going to change, he is an ass! Stop catering to him. Stop looking after him. Stop exposing yourself to that negative dynamic.
The only reason you are suffering today is because a part of you still believes the trash you were fed as a child. I know that experience. I had a very abusive father in childhood. He would browbeat all of us kids. I had to go to therapy for years to get over that, but I did it. Then I became a helper to others. You have that other part, the one that wants to serve, the one that wants to give. Start by giving to your self.
In larger terms this experience has prepared you for something. Think about that. What are the lessons in all this for you? Right now you are discouraged and tired and feeling beaten down all over again. You're running on guilt and shame. Why are you caring for your abuser? Have him put in a home or turn him over to the state, but stop exposing yourself to his poison.
You do not owe anybody your life. This is your choice now Teresa. Choose health, choose forgiveness for yourself and take charge of your life. If you say it can't be done then you are choosing to remain a victim of these negative circumstances. If some religious authority is telling you "You have to honor your father," tell them to take a hike. God has never asked anyone to sacrifice themselves to a moronic despot.
Who do you owe your life to? The God inside of you? Or those abusers who brought a child into the world and then used her as a whipping post? Get their sickness out of you by any means and find out who you are!
You have to decide. Choose your self, then watch the magic start coming your way. This is why we have a word called "courage." It takes courage to stand up for yourself. It takes courage to say No to abuse. Ask God to show you where you courage is and bring it out!
Get on with it girl!
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Michelle, September 2009, comments:
Please, please buy the extraordinary, wonderful book: The Violet Light: The Power that Changes Everything by Francisco Alarcon.