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I want to leave my husband for my soul mate, but my children will never talk to me again if I do

heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I try to make everyone happy even at the cost of my happiness. I have a hard time saying NO to anyone. Hindu Religion.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
I wish to live my life with the person I truly love and also want my two adult children to understand my position and to not hate me.
In India mostly parents arrange the marriage of their daughters. My parents also arranged my marriage 25 years ago (although I did not want to marry my current husband). I have two children from this marriage - daughter 22, and son 18. My husband and I are not compatible in anything. My activities and interests are very different from his. Because of the fear of not hurting him, my children, my parents, relatives and friends, I never took a different step that would lead my own life. So, I have now spent 25 years of my life with my present husband.

However, 7 years ago, I met another person and we both fell in love with each other. We started meeting regularly and made plans to live together. Two years ago, my husband found out and involved our children. He told me that I must live with him and the children. Both children also took his side and told me that if I leave them they will not talk to me forever. I have been true to my children and I love them dearly.

I don't wish to leave my children and I know that I will always love them very much. Even the person I met 7 years ago, has spent lots of time with my children and they loved him very much. But since they found out, they don't want to meet him anymore.

This person I met 7 years ago is my soul mate. When we are together, we laugh and love so much that we don't even know how time goes by. He takes care of me and loves me like no one has ever loved me. It seems he is the one person I was looking for all my life. With him life seems complete. He notices all my wishes and my desires. He understands me more than anyone else. He is ready to spend his entire life with me at a moments notice because he says that I am his LIFE.

Now I also really want to live with him, but my children and husband constantly tell me that I have to live with them or they will not talk to me. Please advise how to talk to my children so that they understand that I truly wish to live with my new mate and that I will always love them.

Wallace's reply
It is your unwillingness to say no that has got you into this situation. If you had said no years ago when you were being led into a marriage that your intuition told you wasn't right you would not have this problem today.

You are probably quite a sensitive person who easily feels what others are feeling and empathizes with them. This sensitivity, if not balanced by universal awareness, makes it difficult for you to say no. You say you fear hurting others, but what you are not seeing is that you are not (and cannot) hurt others by following your intuition. True they may experience hurt when you decide to follow your Heart, but they are, in effect, causing that hurt themselves through a misplaced and unwarranted desire to control your behavour. There is a name for such control - emotional blackmail.

What does this mean? It means that the people around you will threaten all sorts of unpleasant consequences, the thoughts of which play in your imagination and evoke negative emotions like fear. By evoking such fear they seek to have you conform to their wishes. This is not necessarily malice on their part - it is often because they have never learnt healthy, straightforward ways of relating. The network of relationships in your family may all function in this way - sadly. The result is that you do not behave in accordance with your intuition but instead are cajoled into becoming other people's puppy dog and end up doing as they want and not as your Heart desires.

The question for you now is - do I want to be other people's plaything or do I want to be my Self?

If you want to follow your Heart and be true to your Self, then you need to sit the children down (who are now not children but young adults) and explain to them in clear concise language why you need to live with this gentleman - your new man friend. (Personally speaking I would suggest you do not live with him so soon but instead find a place of your own, where you can find your Self first and date this gentleman and see how this web of relationships develops). Take things slowly - a step at a time.

Your children (now young adults) may react angrily - they may even get mad - but you are not responsible for their wild reactions. While communicating with them you need to remember that that God gave you your Heart so that you could follow it and if that upsets other people so be it. You are not responsible for their anger.

If you do decide to make a break with your husband and openly date this other man, your children may not talk to you and may maintain such silence for years, or they may accept your change of partner and get back in touch - no one knows. If you want to be true to your Self then you need to be prepared to take that risk.

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