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My boyfriend has broken up with me - I've asked my Higher Self what to do but I get nowhere.

heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I believe that we are here to learn and evolve. We attract every situation with our thoughts and emotions. I choose to take every situation as a learning experience.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To make a strong connection with my Higher Self and to be in total control of creating my reality.
My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. It started off fantastically well. Lately he has been going through a very hard stage in his life; massive work load, an intense business degree, on top of that his mother, who he has a very close relationship with, has been diagnosed with cancer. I have been trying to be the support system in his life. I work around his schedule, I do not ask for any time if he can't give it.

On top of that, we had a massive issue with me doing competitive dancing with a guy that had feelings for me. My boyfriend put me in a situation where I had to make a choice between dancing or our relationship, because he couldn't handle the emotional hurt from it any more. I chose him, making a conscious decision not to put this on him because it was my choice. After that things have improved, but it was still a massive sacrifice for me.

In the past one and a half months there was no communication between us, as he has asked for space to concentrate on work and secondly he went to Europe for three weeks to finish his degree. I didn't mind giving him that space, however I believe that if you want to maintain a relationship and you love a person (which he says he does) you need to touch base from time to time, even if it is a simple SMS to say hello. I was outraged that he didn't make that effort when I have given so much, however he did have time to check his Facebook account (an online chat).

He ended it on the phone saying that I am not understanding towards what he is going through, when I was insisting that we need to talk a.s.a.p. regardless of his workload. I am hurt because all that I was doing was making things more convenient for him. I do still love him and feel so disappointed and unappreciated. What is the best course of action in this situation? He hasn't tried to contact me since (the break up was nearly a week ago). I try to meditate and ask my Higher Self but I get nowhere.

Wallace's reply
There is a natural dynamic in romantic relationships between a man and a woman - the woman wants to draw the relationship closer and the man wants to pull away. This natural dynamic is healthy and needed, because if a relationship was close and intimate all the time it would grow stale and if there were distance all the time there would be no relationship.

In line with this inherent dynamic, when a man is facing major problems, he often wants to pull away from his romantic partner and sort these problems out himself. This can appear incomprehensible to the woman whose instinct is to draw the man closer, so that she is better placed to support him.

What's needed in the relationship is for both partners to be aware of this dynamic, to understand one another's inclinations, and to use this inherent come-close/pull-away force creatively and constructively to the benefit of both people - remembering that a relationship needs to cycle between distance and intimacy to remain alive and vibrant. It is not wrong to want to create some distance in a relationship nor is it wrong to seek intimacy. These are forces you both need to learn to understand, recognize in yourself and manage, so that you both have your needs met and your relationship remains strong and healthy.

Through learning to work with this dynamic a man in a relationship gradually comes to appreciate the support a woman offers, loses some of his innate independence and learns the value of relationship; and a woman gradually comes to appreciate a man's need to work things out on his own sometimes, becomes more self affirming and is able to find her independence.

With all the above in mind I feel the best course of action for you at the present time is to give your boyfriend the space he says he needs. He has broken it off with you and you need to accept that - for the time being. This may be why your inner guidance was silent - it was suggesting inaction. If you wish you can send him a little note, telling him that you understand his need for space, that you are there for him if he needs you, and that you love him dearly. True, it would be nice if he also sent you the occasional little note but...

  1. He now feels he needs a complete break from the relationship for a while.

  2. He is probably not aware of your inherent tendency to draw the relationship close once more (just as you were not aware of his inherent tendency to pull away).
This means he may not have been aware of your need to keep in touch. Do not blame him for this - you are young and are both learning about male/female relationships.

recommended You say in your philosophy that you believe - "We attract every situation with our thoughts and emotions. I choose to take every situation as a learning experience." This is a very healthy philosophy - so what can you learn from this situation? I suggest that this situation offers the following lessons:

  1. Resolve to be more independent - to be your own woman and not to need the attention or affirmation of a man to feel good about yourself. Developing this self-love is the first and most important step to being able to attract a wonderful partner.

  2. To have activities, interests and hobbies that are outside the relationship and to turn to these more when the relationship cools or ends.

  3. To be more detached and trusting - life is uncertain and constantly evolving. Accept life's fundamental uncertainty and learn to love it by trusting your inner guidance to offer you a creative response to whatever situation you find yourself in.
If you learn these lessons from this break up you will have gained enormously, no matter how things develop.

P.S. If after a number of months you still have not heard from your boyfriend and you would like to explore reigniting the relationship - give him a call and have a chat - but with no blame, no pressure and no expectations. If your relationship does reignite, or you are in another relationship and you find yourself in the same situation again, sit down and discuss the draw-closer/pull-away dynamic between a man and a woman with your partner. Through this discussion attain a conscious understanding of this force. Then use it constructively to meet each others needs and to maintain vitality in your relationship.

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