Inner Guidance Training

Having a successful romantic relationship

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Introduction

The program is simple to do and takes place during your courtship. It is designed to be part of your courtship experience, rather than separate from it. It covers 7 stages, each stage designed to take you closer to marriage. The training can be done on your own or with your partner.

The lessons learned from the program will last a lifetime. Very possibly it will change the way you think about and experience relationships and the means used to attract and keep a partner for life.

Expected benefits include:

• Finding the right partner for life - your soul mate.
• Developing your character.
• Improving your communication skills.
• Discovering the transformative power of love.
• Becoming engaged then married, or, if your courtship fails, learning from your incorrect choice of partner.
• Uncovering within yourself a deep all pervading excitement and joy.

R = REFUSE all others
O = OPEN your heart
M = MAKE love safely
A = ANTICIPATE your partner's needs
N = NEVER Forget Your Own Needs
C = COMMUNICATE until souls mate (or break up)
E = ENGAGEMENT then marriage

Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to carry out the ROMANCE program and apply it to your relationship, allowing yourself to be transformed by it - let these 7 lessons be your steps to a happily married life.

Wallace Huey and Peter Shepherd wish you every success as you embark on this program of personal transformation.

Inner Guidance Training

Step 1: REFUSE All Others

Starting Point

Holding your intention to deepen the intimacy between yourself and your partner.
Before we start to learn about the wonders of working with inner guidance we need to have a focus. Inner guidance only works when we focus it - to achieve that we need to set our intention.

So today's first task is to set your intention to deepen the intimacy between yourself and your partner - then to hold your intention.
Holding this intention commits you to move towards a deeper intimacy and it is the deepening of intimacy that will take you to the point where you know that either you are right for one another - or you decide to break-up and try again with someone else. To hold an intention, simply hold the issue and your intention to address it, in your awareness. If you feel it will help, write your intention down and carry it with you at all times until your intention has been fulfilled to your satisfaction. Now move on to Lesson 1 below.

Lesson 1 of ROMANCE

R = REFUSE All Others

Learning to connect with intuitive awareness so you are aware of the right time to enter an exclusive relationship, or to decide to break-up and start again with someone else.

You have had your initial 3 to 6 dates. You are having light-hearted fun and you seem to be compatible. Now you want to discover if you are truly soul mates. You are about to embark on a journey of love and romance - but what is the first step you need to take on that journey. It's exclusivity. Why do you need to exclude all others? You need to refuse all others because romantic intimacy between a man and a woman can only flourish in an exclusive partnership. This is the first commitment you will make together and it will be a test of your integrity. You will know if inner guidance is supporting this step because you will sense a need to deepen your relationship beyond that of casual dating.

If you want to deepen your relationship with your partner beyond casual dating, make a commitment to your partner that from now on he/she is the only person you want to date - from now on you will refuse all others. Ask your partner to give the same commitment to you. If he/she isn't ready to give this commitment, continue casual dating with light hearted fun - or break-up and seek another partner who is willing to give you this commitment.

If you listen to your sensitivity you will recognize that inner guidance will send warning signals about getting involved sexually in anything other than affectionate kissing at this early stage. To engage in sexual experiences that are more than this during casual dating, will completely undermine the subtle signals you are receiving via your inner guidance as to whether this person is suitable for an exclusive relationship. It is very important to adhere to this guideline because sexual experiences beyond affectionate kissing, arouse powerful sexual desires that swamp more subtle intuitive signals that may point to your unsuitability as a couple.

Example
Roselyn had been dating Paul for four dates. She felt comfortable with Paul - she was relaxed in his company and able to have fun with him. She felt drawn to deepen her relationship with Paul, but to do this she knew she would need to refuse any other offers of dates. Over dinner on her fifth date she told Paul she was very fond of him and would like to date him exclusively. She asked for a similar commitment from Paul - which he was glad to give. After that dinner date they went their separate ways but both of them were very excited because they knew they were now boyfriend and girlfriend.

Lesson - Step 1

To engage only in affectionate kisses, to listen to inner guidance while dating to sense whether this is a relationship with potential and to sense that point of inner knowing, when you are prepared to commit to an exclusive relationship and become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Step 2: OPEN Your Heart

Starting Point

Continue with:

• Holding your intention to deepen the intimacy between yourself and your partner
• Working with Lesson 1 - REFUSE All Others - creating an exclusive relationship

and add Lesson 2 to Step 2 - see below.

Lesson 2 of ROMANCE

O = OPEN Your Heart

Learning to trust your partner so that you can begin to share and be intimate.

Now that you are in an exclusive relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend, the next step is to learn to open your heart to one another. This means deepening and broadening the ways in which you share your lives. By opening your heart you come to trust one another, because you are getting to know each other intimately - intimate knowledge of another nurtures trust. Do not force the opening of your heart, let this process and the trust that grows with it, evolve naturally. Start by sharing the fun aspects of your life, your hobbies, interests, friendships etc. then as trust grows begin to share other more personal dimensions including your vulnerabilities, doubts, flaws and weaknesses. Eventually you may even feel comfortable sharing a few dark secrets. What a relief, someone to share with whom you can really trust. Sharing in this way with another human being is healing. Wounds are healed and troubles are halved when shared.

When your partner shares with you, if he/she shares his/her vulnerabilities it is essential that you do not judge them for having weaknesses - accept and love him/her as he/she is. If you are holding a judgmental attitude it will inhibit your partner from opening up to you. To counter making judgments about your partner, when your partner is sharing something difficult and personal, adopt a listening posture - listen to three things at once, what you partner is saying, how you are reacting and what inner guidance is telling you.

To master this essential skill, when your partner is sharing something personal imagine your sense of self is above the top of your head. Now from this higher vantage point you can literally see the bigger picture because you are able to listen attentively to your partner, the conditioned reactions of your mind and your inner guidance at once. Absorb what your partner is saying, observe but do not follow the conditioned reactions of your mind and watch carefully how you are being guided by a softer, deeper inner voice that comes from your heart. Use this voice to help you understand what your partner is saying and to reply to him/her with gentleness, wisdom and compassion.

Example
At the start of their relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, Roselyn felt a bit frustrated with Paul. They had lots of fun together, but Roselyn felt that she wasn't getting to know the real Paul - the relationship was all fun and games. Then Roselyn realized that she was holding herself back from Paul, so she began to open up to him. She told Paul about the time she was depressed after her grandmother died and about her brother who had tried to take his own life, difficult things for her to share. However Paul was still reluctant to open up to Roselyn. He told her a few little things but nothing significant. Then Roselyn realized that she had been quite critical of Paul and held judgments and strong opinions while Paul was speaking. So the next time she had a personal conversation, she consciously adopted a listening attitude. By listening carefully to Paul and observing her own reactions, she was able to see how her conditioned mind was forming judgments and opinions while Paul was speaking. By learning to bypass these conditioned reactions, she tuned into the softer, wiser voice that came from her heart and was able to reply to Paul with gentleness and wisdom. As she did this, Paul opened up more to Roselyn. She began to get excited because she could feel her heart opening to Paul. “I must be falling in love,” she thought.

Lesson - Step 2

To open your heart by sharing more broadly and deeply with your partner by adopting a non judgmental, listening posture and helping him/her do the same.

Step 3: MAKE love safely

Starting Point

Continue with:

• Holding your intention to deepen the intimacy between yourself and your partner
• Working with Lesson 1 - REFUSE All Others - creating an exclusive relationship
• Working with Lesson 2 - OPEN Your Heart - nurturing an intimate relationship

and add Lesson 3 to Step 3 - see below.

Lesson 3 of ROMANCE

M = MAKE Love Safely

Ensuring that, by sharing sexually, you are enhancing your relationship.

I want you to look at making love safely from a physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual viewpoint. Being in a romantic relationship is great fun and we look to it to satisfy our needs for physical contact and connection, but we need to be aware of how to do this safely. More often than not people mishandle this side of their romantic relationship and there is a very good reason why this happens. I invite you to be aware of this reason and to remember it.

The presence of powerful sexual desires can easily swamp inner guidance.

Inner guidance is sensed when we are quiet and still, a mental state free from desire. When in a state of strong sexual arousal we can find ourselves completely ignoring inner guidance, which always has our best interests and the best interests of our partner at heart. I want you to be aware of this as you engage in sexual relations and learn to listen to your trustworthy quiet inner voice at all times.

I know this is an extremely important topic because as a personal coach I have received numerous questions from people whose lives have been severely disrupted by ignoring their inner guidance in the area of sexual relations. The results can be tragic and long lasting - irresponsible fatherhood, single motherhood, infection and disease, broken hearts and broken lives. All this can be avoided if we continue to listen within while engaging in sexual relations.

From the point of view of having a successful romantic relationship, I recommend that couples refrain from full sexual intercourse, keeping full sexual union until they are married. Inner guidance will also warn against full sexual union because of the many hazards it contains. There are the obvious hazards of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, but there are other hazards too. These are of a more subtle nature and not generally understood. When a man and a woman engage in sexual intercourse it changes the dynamic of the relationship. A closer bond is formed, and that is great if you are married. However if you are still testing the water in a romantic relationship, the closer bond engendered by sexual union can have the effect of making a couple think they are suitable for engagement and marriage, when this may not be the case at all. The result can then be life long union with someone unsuitable - or a severely broken heart if you decide to split up prior to engagement.

So remember to listen to inner knowing when in the throws of powerful sexual desire, and only engage in sexual relations to the extent you feel is right.

Example
Roselyn loved snuggling up to Paul. Then one evening Paul began to get a bit too keen for Roselyn - her inner guidance was telling her to pull back. So she gently pulled back and explained to Paul how she felt and why she was uncomfortable with what was happening. That evening she set Paul clear boundaries, this far and no further. Once Paul was clear about Roselyn's limits they could enjoy their sexual relations without worry.

Lesson - Step 3

To listen to and follow your inner guidance as to the limits you set on your sexual relations.

Step 4: ANTICIPATE your partner's needs

Starting Point

Continue with:

• Holding your intention to deepen the intimacy between yourself and your partner
• Working with Lesson 1 - REFUSE All Others - creating an exclusive relationship
• Working with Lesson 2 - OPEN Your Heart - nurturing an intimate relationship
• Working with Lesson 3 - MAKE Love Safely - enjoying sexual relations unharmed

and add Lesson 4 to Step 4 - see below.

Lesson 4 of ROMANCE

A = ANTICIPATE Your Partner's Needs

Becoming so sensitive to your partner that you meet their needs without them asking.

In a relationship one of the best ways to express love is to anticipate your partner's needs and meet them without your partner having to ask. When you do this for your partner they feel really understood, valued and appreciated at a deep level. To be able to do this in your relationship you need to take the focus off yourself and focus outward on your partner, while at the same time listening within for suggestions as to how you can express your love for them. Observe him/her carefully. What does he/she enjoy? What does he/she need? As you become familiar with his/her needs and what brings him/her joy, make it your business to listen within for promptings as to how you can surprise your partner by fulfilling those needs in an unexpected way.

For example my wife came back yesterday from a short break in London and I was at the airport to greet her with a sign, like the ones people hold up to meet someone they don't know. My sign said "Your Husband!" I also had with me a big bunch of pink roses for her and a box of chocolates for her single friend who was traveling with her. My wife had with her a beautiful shirt in cool yellow, blue and white stripes to match my favorite jacket. Understanding your partner and anticipating his/her needs, can be taken into every aspect of your relationship, from making a surprise snack late at night, to surprising your partner with the sensitivity of your touch. Most couples do the occasional big treat for their partner, but it is the little things, expressed often, that are the lifeblood of a romantic relationship. Little and often and with the occasional big treat is the secret.

These are good guidelines for expressing love in any human relationship, but it is in romantic relationships that love finds it's most committed, tender and sublime expression.

Example
Roselyn had been going out in an exclusive relationship with Paul for three months and she was by now getting to know what Paul needed and enjoyed. The football semi-final of the European Cup was on and Liverpool was playing at home against Inter Milan. Paul had made arrangements to watch the match with his friends, but on the morning of the match Roselyn said she would leave him down to the pub in the car. The journey passed the city airport and Paul was surprised when Roselyn turned into the airport grounds. "Is my brother coming over to watch the match with us down the pub?" he asked. Roselyn said nothing. Once they were parked Roselyn threw open the boot and there were two packed suitcases. "Come fly with me!" she exclaimed. Paul was speechless. As he sat in the airport wondering where he was going, his mind turned to the match in the pub he was going to watch with his friends. Although he was delighted to be off to some unknown destination, he had a twinge of sadness about missing his team play. Roselyn enjoyed seeing the look on his face when they checked in and he discovered he was going to see the match live in the Liverpool stadium. When they returned Roselyn was devastated to learn that her aunt and Godmother had died. At the graveside a few days later, she was overcome with grief. Paul took her in her arms and held her with such strength and yet such tenderness that she knew he understood and was there for her, in her time of need.

Lesson - Step 4

To learn to "tune in" to your partner and listen to and follow your inner voice as it guides you in how to anticipate your partner's needs.

Step 5: NEVER Forget Your Own Needs

Starting Point

Continue with:

• Holding your intention to deepen the intimacy between yourself and your partner
• Working with Lesson 1 - REFUSE All Others - creating an exclusive relationship
• Working with Lesson 2 - OPEN Your Heart - nurturing an intimate relationship
• Working with Lesson 3 - MAKE Love Safely - enjoying sexual relations unharmed
• Working with Lesson 4 - ANTICIPATE Your Partner's Needs - becoming sensitive

and add Lesson 5 to Step 5 - see below.

Lesson 5 of ROMANCE

N = NEVER Forget Your Own Needs

Ensuring your partner understands your needs through clear, assertive communication.

The emphasis in a relationship needs to be on anticipating and meeting one another's needs. However sometimes our partners may not be aware of our needs - remember men and women often have quite different needs. For example a woman may need to be appreciated for her sense of style, where as a man may need to be appreciated for the work he does. Consequently we may need to express our needs clearly and confidently and not expect our partner to automatically know what they are.

How will you know if your needs are not being met? You may begin to feel resentful, misunderstood, abandoned or ignored by your partner. If this happens ask why? What need is not being fulfilled? Then you need to ask yourself a deeper question - is this need justified and appropriate, or is it a desire that is out of control. For example you may have a need to be listened to after a harrowing day - a justified and appropriate need. Or you may have a need to spend some of the money you have saved for a new home on the best designer shoes or a new sports car - but is this a genuine need, or is it something you want that is putting the attainment of a genuine need at risk, (your new home). To discern the difference between genuine needs and wants learn to listen within. Genuine needs are prompted by inner guidance, are heart felt, and can usually be understood and accepted by your partner. Wants tend to have a compulsive quality because our ego is desperately trying to fill up its own inner emptiness with attention seeking or worldly pleasures. Consequently their fulfillment may meet resistance by our partner.

If, through discussion with your partner, you come to the conclusion that you are trying to fulfill wants not needs, the best course of action is to learn to love yourself more - filling up that hole inside with Self Love instead of seeking attention or pleasure. I give references to help you do this at the end of the training program. If your life is full of such wants you will find it difficult to maintain a romantic relationship, because you will find yourself continually placing undue demands on your partner, which he/she will resist. If this is true of you, take a break from romantic relationships and seek personal development so that you grow in Self Love.

If your need is genuine share it openly with your partner. If he/she is resisting meeting your need, and this resistance becomes a repeating pattern in the relationship, this means you are dating someone who is not ready for mutual giving and receiving. In this case, even if you have strong feelings for the person, it is best to break up and look for someone else.

Example
Paul and Roselyn's relationship had hit a crisis. Roselyn was feeling abandoned by Paul most weekends, because Paul preferred to be out drinking with his pals. After reflecting on her situation she concluded that hers was a genuine need - to share time with her boyfriend on a regular basis. After a heart to heart conversation, Paul realized he could not continue his single lifestyle and promised to make Roselyn the number one priority.

Lesson - Step 5

To learn to listen to inner guidance so you can discern needs from wants and share your needs with your partner so you can have your genuine needs fulfilled within the relationship.

Step 6: COMMUNICATE Until Souls Mate (or break up)

Starting Point

Continue with:

• Holding your intention to get engaged - then married
• Working with Lesson 1 - REFUSE All Others - creating an exclusive relationship
• Working with Lesson 2 - OPEN Your Heart - nurturing an intimate relationship
• Working with Lesson 3 - MAKE Love Safely - enjoying sexual relations unharmed
• Working with Lesson 4 - ANTICIPATE Your Partner's Needs - becoming sensitive
• Working with Lesson 5 - NEVER Forget Your Own Needs - becoming assertive

and add Lesson 6 to Step 6 - see below.

Lesson 6 of ROMANCE

C = COMMUNICATE Until Souls Mate (or break up)

Gradually deepening your communication until you are ready for engagement or you realize you are unsuitable for marriage and decide to break up.

Now you need to put all the first 5 lessons together and deepen the intimacy and bond you feel, by communicating in more depth about all the issues in your relationship. If you are having problems with your communication skills Trans4mind has an excellent free Communication and Relationships Course you can do with your partner (see Further Help and Resources). Use this course, combined with inner guidance training, to find true intimacy.

Remember at this stage to communicate about every outstanding issue in your relationship, until such times as you have a shared vision. Include all the important issues like having and raising children, where you will live, how the money will work, etc. As you delve deeper into these issues, you will want to talk about the possibility of getting engaged and married. Discuss the right time to upgrade your intention from deepening the intimacy between yourself and your partner to getting engaged - then married. When you do upgrade your intention, do so together. This stage of courtship often goes astray because one partner intends to get engaged then married, but the other partner does not. This can cause unnecessary stress in the relationship. So keep in step with your intentions and remember to go at the pace of the slowest person.

It is natural for major points of difference to arise. This does not necessarily mean you are incompatible - it may mean you need to keep the flame of your love burning while you work on your communication skills. However one or both of you may decide you are incompatible. To sense inner guidance, withdraw from the emotional turmoil of the relationship and get in touch with your calm centre. You may also find it helpful to meditate on, or pray about, your decision. If you want help using inner guidance to make your decision, consult my book, Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take Off, (see Further Help and Resources). You can read it free online. If you have both upgraded your intention to get engaged then married and have worked through all the issues, then don't hesitate - get engaged. Successful romantic relationships have a momentum and that momentum leads to engagement and marriage. If you loose the momentum you are in danger of loosing the relationship. So once all the lights are green - go for it!

Example
When Roselyn and Paul upgraded their intention to get engaged then married, they were horrified to discover a whole new range of issues that stood between them and engagement. However they both knew this was a test of their love and were determined to pass the test. They made a vow that while talking about these contentious issues, they would remain united. So as well as discussing difficult issues, they made time to have fun and do happy things together. Eventually, after much patience and persistence every issue but one was resolved. Then one evening they were able to open their hearts - the final issue was resolved and the next day Paul asked Roselyn to marry him - she said, "Yes I'd love to."

Lesson - Step 6

To dig deep and find reserves of patience and persistence, that, combined with good communication skills, bring you to the point where you know it is right to get engaged.

Step 7: ENGAGEMENT then marriage

Starting Point

Continue with:

• Holding your intention to get engaged - then married
• Working with Lesson 1 - REFUSE All Others - creating an exclusive relationship
• Working with Lesson 2 - OPEN Your Heart - nurturing an intimate relationship
• Working with Lesson 3 - MAKE Love Safely - enjoying sexual relations unharmed
• Working with Lesson 4 - ANTICIPATE Your Partner's Needs - becoming sensitive
• Working with Lesson 5 - NEVER Forget Your Own Needs - becoming assertive
• Working with Lesson 6 - COMMUNICATE Until Soul's Mate (or break up) - preparing for engagement

and add Lesson 7 to Step 7 - see below.

Lesson 7 of ROMANCE

E = ENGAGEMENT Then Marriage

Asking for/being asked for your hand in marriage and preparing for the wedding day.

You may wonder why it is necessary to get engaged then married. Why not just make a private commitment to each other? Engagement and marriage are an ancient custom that exists for a reason. Firstly upgrading your intention to get engaged - then married, brings all the major issues to the surface. This challenges your communication skills and your love for one another - and passing this test is absolutely necessary as preparation for a shared life.

Secondly getting engaged then married involves not just your selves, but two extended families and two separate groups of friends. By first consulting with your respective families and friends, then getting engaged and announcing it publically, you are preparing a whole community of people to come together to share their lives. The marriage ceremony is a public acknowledgment and celebration of that happening.

Thirdly once the ceremony is over and you are happily married you, and your respective families and friends, will always remember that special day. Going through this ceremony and ritual together creates a broad sense of unity and belonging between you as a couple and your respective families and friends. The support of this community, combined with the training in communication you experienced prior to getting engaged and memories of your wedding and the vows you took, will be your buttress when your married life enters difficult times. The marriage ceremony and the vows you take in front of family and friends, greatly empowers your shared commitment to stay together "in sickness and in health", as well as opening the door to full and safe sexual union and the joy and consequences this brings.

If you have completed the first 6 stages successfully you will now be engaged. This is a special time and you will be able to relax and enjoy planning your wedding together, because all your outstanding issues have been resolved. For couples who do not go through the first 6 stages before getting engaged, this can be a very stressful time because they are trying to organize their wedding and deal with outstanding personal issues under the pressure of a deadline - the wedding day. Through doing this inner guidance training you will have avoided that trap.

I recommend a short engagement for people on this training program. Make it only long enough to take care of the wedding arrangements - no longer. You now have a great deal of momentum on your side - by having a short engagement you are keeping that momentum toward your wedding day strong. When the big day comes, you can both relax and enjoy it knowing that all the details, practical, psychological, emotional and spiritual, have been taken care of. It will be the greatest day of your life - the day you pledge yourself to lifelong union with your soul mate.

Example
Roselyn and Paul enjoyed making wedding arrangements. They worked on the plans together. The wedding day itself was everything it promised to be - a dream fulfilled. As they settled into married life they discovered that a great need to share their life had been fulfilled and their long search for a companion was over. They felt contentment greater then they had ever known.

Lesson - Step 7

To enjoy your engagement and wedding, free in the knowledge that you are meant for each other.

Addendum

This training program will empower you to recognize and marry your soul mate. Like the phrase suggests, soul mate is a spiritual union between a man and a woman and it can only be achieved when two people mate soul to soul. In a soul mate union the couple will experience chemistry on a physical, psychological, emotional, practical and spiritual level and will share similar values as well as interests.

It is a characteristic of a soul mate union that the honeymoon period never ends. Romance is kept alive through mutual appreciation, expressed everyday in many small but significant ways. This kind of relationship is worth waiting for and is a joy to be in, because in a mature soul mate relationship there are differences but no arguments. In a soul mate marriage each person feels both free and bonded at the same time.

However it can be the case that two people are soul mates but lack maturity in the way they relate to one another. In such a case, even thought they may be soul mates and have the chemistry of a soul mate union, they can experience arguments and unpleasantness, which may make them doubt the validity of their match. This course has been written to help such couples improve the quality of their relationship and in so doing prepare for marriage. In other cases couples may not match as soul mates. This course will then help them to highlight that and break up - hopefully amicably, so that each can learn from having made an inappropriate choice of partner and try again.

The definition of a soul mate marriage is where the decision to marry was made in each person's heart and soul. In the training program I have placed an emphasis on working with inner guidance to develop your relationship, because living out of inner guidance gives you spiritual perception and is the only skill needed to have a successful romantic relationship and through that relationship to recognize and marry your soul mate.

Further Help and Resources

Communication and Relationships Course
For help with improving your communication skills do the Communication and Relationships Course or order Peter Shepherd's book Daring to Be Yourself. His book contains this course and other chapters that will assist you in your relationship.

~ Having a successful romantic relationship ~

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