ALL THE RESOURCES YOU NEED FOR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

They both are needed. Remember that for most people (almost all), their personal strategies are running on automatic. You do not even choose them, but rather pick them up from parents, teachers, friends, the media, and the culture at large - usually when you are too small to know there might be a more resourceful choice. Then, you run these strategies unconsciously, reaping the consequences, and not realizing there might be a better way.

Why would you hang on to a way of doing things that doesn't work very well and keeps giving you a result you don't like? Safety. We create our map of reality, which includes these strategies, as a way of making it through our family situation. Our main criteria during this time is to give ourselves the greatest feeling of safety. The more unsafe our family feels, for whatever reason, the more we will cling to our map even when it isn't serving us. A part of us, unconsciously (often referred to as the "inner child"), says "What? Change that? No way. This has kept me safe all these years and I'm not giving it up."

So keep in mind as we continue that: 1) these strategies are running on automatic, 2) you did not choose them, and 3) you have a strong association between your ways of being and safety.

Also, keep in mind two other things:

1. You have a choice, and can choose new strategies that work better.
2. Until you make changes in the way you see and do things, you will continue to get the same results. There is no way to hang onto the old way of being and at the same time get different results.

There are two opposite ways of sorting or filtering information that most people use but but are actually self-defeating:

Those who 'Sort by Necessity' live by rules. They do things because they "have to, should, or need to" do them. For these people, certain things have been mapped out, and they feel compelled to behave or respond in a certain "right" way in a given situation.

Whole cultures sort by necessity. I have a friend who lives in Hawaii who is an engineer. He is of Japanese ancestry. His father was an engineer, and his grandfather was an engineer. His son will be an engineer when he gets old enough to "choose" a career. This is the way it is often done in the Japanese culture, and in many other cultures, too. This way of thinking removes a lot of choices and possibilities. My friend told me there was never any question about what he would do when he grew up. He never even considered doing something else, since all men in his family became engineers.

You can spot someone who thinks this way very easily, because their language gives them away. They say "I have to..." "I should..." "I need to..." and other such things. In a given situation, they consider what they "should" do or what they "have to" do. There are rules, and they use these rules to guide them in making decisions about what to do, what to feel, and what to be. They use the same rules to evaluate, after the fact, whether or not they have done the "right" thing. If not, they get to feel bad or guilty about it.

There are certain benefits to Sorting by Necessity. Knowing the rules gives you a road map for what to do, feel, think, or be in a given situation. This can remove anxiety about how to behave in a certain situation, and it absolves you of having to think, be creative, or be resilient in dealing with what comes at you. There are, however, two big problems. First, Sorting by Necessity takes away most of your choices. Second, what do you do if there is no rule for the situation you find yourself in? Then, you have to figure out a creative response, and you have to do it without having much practice at it. Talk about anxiety!

Then there is the strategy of 'Sorting by Impossibility.' These people say "I can't" a lot. When faced with a situation, all the reason why it can't be done automatically spring to mind. Since whatever you focus on really does manifest in your experience, these people experience a lot of obstacles in their life, and a lot of choices are closed off. When they think of doing, feeling, or being something, if there are too many obstacles, or often, even ANY obstacles, they just don't try. They live in a world where many things are impossible.

But here is a better strategy you can adopt and that is:

This person does not live by rules, unless you consider "anything is possible" to be a rule. They do not do, feel or be something because they should or have to, but rather because they want to or because it is possible. They evaluate potential feelings, actions or ways of being solely on whether they are desirable and will help them get to where they want to go. They may see obstacles, but rather than causing them to say "I can't," an obstacle causes them to say "How can I?" Because your mind is able to create a solution to any desire you give it, asking such a question starts your mind searching for the "how" and after enough asking and taking action, the answer always comes to them.

The only time you will hear someone who sorts by possibility say "I have to" is if what he or she is contemplating doing is SO possible they just "have to" do it!

Sorting by Necessity is not resourceful. It greatly limits what is possible for you. It is like a mental straight jacket. Luckily, you have control over whether or not you think this way. But first you have to become aware that you are doing it. Remember, you cannot do something that is not resourceful for you unless you do it unconsciously. This is a great example of how that principle works. If you can become aware of how you sort information related to possibility/necessity/impossibility, whatever is not resourceful in your strategy will fall away. This is one reason why the Centerpointe program is so powerful, because it naturally creates the awareness needed to see how you are creating your world.

So here is what you do: get a 3x5 card, and on one side write "necessity/impossibility." On the other side, write "possibility." Then, as you go about your day, make a mark on either side each time you notice yourself sorting by necessity or by possibility. Pay special attention to your language, both internal and external. When you hear yourself say (or think) "I can't," "I have to," "I should," and other things that indicate you are doing things because you "must" do them, or not doing something because it is "impossible" or there are too many obstacles, make a mark on the "necessity/impossibility" side of the card. When you notice yourself sorting by possibility, and saying "How can I?", make a mark on the other side.

Keeping score in this way will cause you to become more aware of what you are doing, and the non-resourceful ways of thinking will begin to fall away.

Also notice the strong pull (anxiety, guilt, etc.) to follow the "rules" and do, feel, think or be that which you "should." Just notice it. Just watch. To the degree it does not serve you, it will fall away (and since it doesn't serve you very darned much, it WILL fall away).

My goal for you is to drop those ways of thinking and being that do not serve you, and do not contribute to your happiness and inner peace or your ability to create what you want in your life. Most of these ways of being you may not have ever considered, since they run on automatic. And if that is the case, you probably also have not considered that there might be a different way of doing things that works much better.

Be well.

Bill Harris,
Director, Centerpointe Research Institute

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