"Will I ever experience happiness and some joy in life?"
Why do I always feel so helpless and alone? I never have had what you might call a zest for life - it just feels like a drudge, something to be enjured until I die, like I'm marking time. I rarely feel happy and I feel sorry for myself a lot. Will I ever experience happiness and some joy in life, and appreciation of being alive?
What's showing up for you is a need to first of all stand up for yourself and speak your truth. As long as you stand back and either blame others or seek your happiness outside of yourself, you will remain low on energy and unhappy. It is REALLY really important for you to know that it's up to you to go after what you love, not wait or expect anyone else to do it for you.
Whatever energy you put out in love or exuberence, that is what you will get back. YOU have to feel it inside of you. It's kind of like saying "I never get mail. Why don't I ever get any mail?" - when the truth is that you never write any letters to anyone. If you want to have energy, you have to be willing to put it out.
If you find yourself making excuses for not wanting to do something, then you can bet that underneath it all is a fear that you're not good enough, and you are protecting yourself by not trying anything, so you won't be rejected. So, get grounded - take a deep breath, dig in your heels, pull on your deepest courage, and start going for it, no matter what. Decide to do this for yourself no matter what. Start with just loving one thing a day and sending out your energy of love to that, like loving the sound of the rain on the roof. Send your love out to the rain. Just listen to it, and feel the music of it. Just be with the rain for a while. Then, take a moment to feel how all the trees feel when the rain comes showering down to them, and send your love out to the trees as they stand with faces and arms outstretched to the rain. You and the trees loving the rain together. Be with that for a while, feeling it. Feel how wonderful that feels.
Continue on in this way, adding one more thing a day, reaching out and touching it with your love, finding other things to send your love out to, to touch, until your day is filled up with so many of those moments. You'll be amazed what will happen.
Love and blessings - Ayal