"I still carry anger and sadness over being rejected in a previous relationship."
17 years ago, I fell hard for someone. At first I only saw him as a friend, we had fun whenever we ran into each other socially. He started to hint about us getting together. I thought no but my attraction for him grew. We began to become romantic in social settings. We eventually became physical. I was much in love with him. I never wanted someone so much. He would show interest and then pull back. It was hard and exciting and frustrating for me. I tried my best to control my feelings.
I discovered I was pregnant and knew right away that I couldn't have the baby. With our different backgrounds, it would create a lot of controversy that I didn't want. I ended the pregnancy and told him afterwards. I was scared to tell him when I first found out. He grew distant and it broke my heart. It really broke my heart. There were times when i didn't even want to live. I felt that he started something that he couldn't finish. I feel anger towards him for doing that.
Fast forward to today. I have been in a great relationship going on 10 years and we have a 7 year old. We have a good life. I still carry anger and sadness over how he was towards me. I wish to let go but a lot of unanswered questions remain. What did he really feel for me? Was it because of my race? My head tells me one thing but my heart wants answers. I hope you can help me understand him.
Thanks for writing in. What I am getting for you is, first of all, that there is an issue of "Refusal to deal with the world the way it is". When we have an ideal picture of how we think life ought to be, it means that the world, with all of its challenges, is hard for us. It means that we don't have a strong enough foundation, yet, in ourselves, to be able to stand up to the ugliness or difficulties or dysfunctions we see in others. We want it all to be perfect, and this is because we often end up feeling shattered by what we see around us, or in others. People on this planet are on all levels of development. You will find some who are very evolved and compassionate, noble, and advanced. You will find others who are still in a darker, less enlightened place where they have not yet learned or grown into a place of wisdom or understanding or kindness.
In order to deal with all of this, a person must develop in herself or himself a strong sense of their own worthiness - a strong enough sense of who they are, their own goodness. They need to get to a place where the lack or failings or unkindness in someone else can roll off of them, like water off a duck's back. This takes a lot of inner work and personal growth to get to this kind of strength and wisdom. As children, we do not have this understanding, the understanding that everyone comes in with their own baggage and stuff to deal with. As a child, we take their lack of goodness or development or kindness or awareness personally. We think we are the cause of it, that we did something wrong. If we ourselves do not grow beyond this childhood belief and lack of seeing the world the way it is - that people have their own crap to deal with - or not, as they choose - if we do not grow into that wisdom and strength and do not take it personally, we continue to feel shattered. We can feel constantly betrayed and deeply hurt and angry. AND, we can also feel helpless and hopeless.
The antidote to this is to know that you are lovable and to love and approve of yourself - to give this wisdom and kindness and compassion and friendship and support to yourself. Even if we are in a wonderful relationship, and someone loves us, they will still have their own unclear moments when they get caught and trapped in their own baggage and wounds and old programs.
It is a crucial part of our development as souls that we grow this strong, deep, inner foundation for ourselves. Otherwise, what we see in the behavior of others, if we take it as a belief that this happened because "I am not good enough," or "I am not lovable" or "Something is wrong with me" - we remain wounded and feeling hopeless, hurt, and angry. We cannot understand it, and it continues to fester in us, like a wound that just won't heal. And this is what has been going on for you. if we feel that we are not good enough, somewhere inside of us, or we feel that something is wrong with us, even then, if one person mistreats us, or is unkind to us - no matter how many other people may love or praise us - that one moment will shake our whole being because it hits that raw place still left unhealed within us.
If, however, we see the world as it is, through adult, wise eyes, we know that someone else's lack of intimacy or love or kindness is not our fault. If they cannot deal with some situation, and withdraw, or lash out, it is because they themselves are undeveloped and still wounded and do not yet have what they need to come from a different place. it is because they cannot yet, handle it. It is their issue to deal with. YOUR job is to grow all of those things within yourself so that you can look realistically at the world and at other people, and view them with compassion, knowing that they, like you, have come into this life to learn the lessons of inner strength and self love. We must grow this in ourselves first, or we will always be at the mercy of every unkind word or unclear wind that blows, like a leaf adrift in the wind.
There are a lot of wounds and many layers of baggage to have to lift off of oneself in order to grow into that clear place of being able to have compassion for oneself and for others - to be able to be kind and safe and solid in oneself - standing on that firm foundation - in order to then be able to have peace within ourselves and good relationships with others.
You went through a trauma with this guy - having a pregnancy and an abortion and feeling abandoned would be a deep wound. In order to heal that and move on, it would be important to give both him and yourself understanding and forgiveness and see life with the wisdom we are talking about here.
In order to let go of the anger and trauma, and this deep sense of unworthiness, it is crucial that you release the past and love yourself in this and every moment. To know that you are loving and lovable - but ...one must grow into that strength that does not need that validation from someone or somewhere else - we must all grow the ability to get that love and approval from oneself. Part of you is still holding onto this wound because it has rubbed and triggered that place in you that fears that you are not lovable - the deep place within you that fears that you are unworthy of being loved. The place that feels helpless and doesn't know what to do to feel ok or how to deal with it.
That is a belief in yourself that is false and needs to be transformed and healed. Where does that belief come from? Where does the sense of hopelessness come from? Looking into this in yourself is the way to heal.
Regarding this, there is also an issue showing up for you called "Releasing the burden of the ancestral tree". What this means is that this issue we have been talking about is something that has been carried down through your family in the DNA as a deep belief. A belief in feeling hopeless and not good enough, or perhaps betrayed by others. In order to help yourself, and to release this burden in your family, I invite you to do the following healing technique:
Sitting somewhere quiet and peaceful where you will not be disturbed, I invite you to close your eyes and imagine that you are journeying inside of your body. Travel down through your body until you find yourself at your navel, looking out through your navel, or belly button. You will see, or you can picture an umbilical like cord going out from your navel, like a big tunnel. I invite you to walk down that tunnel ... you will find yourself in a large room where members of your family, and your ancestors are waiting. Speak with them and tell them that you are here to lead them out of this room, which is the confines of the old belief they are all caught in, that they are not good enough, or feeling hopeless, and you are here to lead them out it to the light of day. Ask them to please follow you out of the room - go up some stairs until you all emerge into the world. Let the warmth of the sun shine down on all of you - bask in its rays of healing and love, and open your hearts to feeling strong and worthy and wonderful in who you are.
Doing this will help to heal not only yourself, but also your family tree.
Try it and see.
Also, there is a wonderful forgiveness prayer that I invite you to say, twice a day, for 21 days. This amount of time allows a new pattern to be established in your being.
It is this:
If there is anyone or anything that has hurt me in the past, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it.
If I have hurt anyone or anything in the past, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it.
If I have hurt myself in the past, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it. for the Highest Good of others and myself.
One last thing - I strongly invite you to get the book, Radical Forgiveness, and read it. It will be a tremendous friend and support and a great gift to yourself.