"I find it hard to recognize what is acceptable and what is happening because of my negative and false beliefs."
I have a question for you. As I try to navigate my way out of what have been stormy waters of my relationship, I find myself losing sight of what is acceptable and what is happening because of my negative and false beliefs.
For example, I have been having a problem with communication with my boyfriend. At the beginning of our relationship we communicated every day numerous times a day by phone and email. He has always traveled a lot for work so from the beginning our contact by phone and email was important. As that initial frenzy of communication waned, well it took a year and a half to wane, I became instantly insecure. I wanted to know why he wasn't calling me as much, etc. He still emails at least 5 or 6 times a day, everyday unless we are together. In every message he tells me how much he loves me and misses me. However, because of my false beliefs and fear I have been giving him a really hard time. As a result he doesn't contact me as much as he used to and there is no substance to his emails. He doesn't tell me what is going on for him etc. It all came to a head before he went away for a business trip on Friday and I told him I thought he wasn't going away for business but was going to meet someone else. I realised I had reached an impasse. I don't really think he is doing that. Not when I search my logic and heart. His face told me straight away it just wasn't true at all. I realised I had to deal with my insecurities and it was through that search that I found your site which spoke volumes to me. I could pinpoint where my negative beliefs started and what has perpetuated them. It was the divorce of my parents, my father's return and then leaving again to set up a life with his mistress. somehow along the way I developed a world view that that is just what men do, they cheat and they leave. It has happened to me in all relationships until this one, and yes, I really didn't think I was worth it. I had fear, fear, fear on all levels and I don't value myself enough. I had such a catharsis yesterday reading your article. I know I have been making mistakes in this relationship and I know it is down to my lack of love and faith in myself. That made me so sad. I cried and I hugged myself for a long time. I do love myself, more than anything and I saw myself for a moment as a little girl with her life ahead of her and wondering how I could get that faith, hope and belief back. I made some promises and positive statements to myself.
I know it is really early days and I need to let this change and restructuring of my mind and psyche take hold, so that it is not an imposed, conscious process, but that I really believe it for myself, about myself, and here comes the but, but, I also feel that in loving myself and realising that I am worth the love of anyone, that I am enough, I have another reaction and that is that where my boyfriend has withdrawn due to my negative behaviour, he now isn't being right with me. Not because I am afraid but because I think he is probably confused and hurt by how I have been behaving for the last 3 months and what I said on Friday. So, how do I move forward? If I had not read your article I would probably be doing/saying something right now that was tearing our relationship apart. As it is I want to challenge my negative beliefs and I am not reacting as I would have 48 hours ago, but, he is avoiding me and I can't blame him, I have been a beast. How do I move forward with my own healing and at the same time accept him not communicating with me or arranging to see me.
I feel like I have lost sight of what is acceptable and what is my fear. there is still a part of me that springs to, he doesn't want to see me, he doesn't love me, etc. i.e. I am not worth it, of course he is going to reject me, etc. There is also a part of me that says. I am worth it and I do love myself and because of that fact I won't accept anything other than my best and his best.
I guess as I write this I think I just need to give it time. As you say in the article, I have to accept that this is happening as a result of the way I have been behaving. I have to respond to him with compassion and acceptance. and I think I have to respond to myself with the same compassion and acceptance, not beat myself up about it. I know why I felt as I did; I understand why I did and I understand why I was wrong and why I need to change it. I should probably say all of this to him and tell him the realisation I have had and what I am going to try and change. If we can retrieve something great, if not, well I need to take this forward for myself. I need to change my state for myself and for my life, not for this relationship.
Do you have some advice for managing the transition from how I was to how I want to be?
I like that as you wrote this, you were processing it in a clear way and letting it be cathartic for you... by doing so, you actually came to your own, clear answers, and said to yourself pretty much exactly what I would have said to you.
I know that when I have faced some huge issue that has presented itself to me, and is in my face, and I feel as if a tidal wave is turning me over and over, it can be VERY intense. When I am in the midst of that powerful vortex of swirling energies, I, too, have gotten swept away by it, and usually during those times my husband and I go through a hard and challenging time. If he doesn't know what is going on, all he can do is feel the negative energy and vortex of it, not understand what is going on, or, in my own lack of balance or clarity, he will often be the object of my own upset. However, when I know what is up, and I get clear enough, and I DO share with him what is up, in a calm and clear and informative way, he totally gets behind me, understands what is going on, and allows me the space, and support, to deal with it. I think you are totally right and wise to know that you need to inform your guy about what is up for you to face and heal from. Just as you did here in this letter. That will help him to understand and at the very least end his fear and confusion about it. You can also apologize in a heartfelt way for any hurt you caused him, and let him know that you are totally committed to moving through this and healing it. Whether or not he can go with that and return to the relationship will be up to him. However, your commitment to your healing is what has to take precedence and be the reason you are doing it. If he can return, great – if not, as you said, you will heal yourself and be able to live your life in a healthier way - and create healthier relationships.
What you experienced as a child WOULD create a lot of fear and uncertainty – but, you are totally on track with it, and that already puts you ahead of the game in terms of being able to get down to it and deal with it. This is an issue of survival – it is the deep, core level of survival that you are dealing with – the great fear that if "the man" leaves, you will not survive – and that is very terrifying for a child.
What I am getting for you right now is that you DO need some alone time, and maybe that is why, and perfect, that your guy has withdrawn – It is TIME TO DIVE DEEP with this – and only by being alone for a while and facing this fear will you be able to walk through it. It is time for seclusion, to find that you can be supported and connected to something potent and beautiful within yourself that will love and nurture and take care of you – to be connected to Source – to deepen and solidify THAT connection, and to continue developing, from this point on, THAT relationship – instead of believing that you must have that OTHER person in order to survive.
As you learn this, and experience it, you will become more open to being truly able to trust in and receive the love that others have for you, and give it, without it being a survival, fearful issue, or one of dependency. Your challenge is to be able to be open to receive love, and to truly give it, in freedom, not in fear – not demand it, or need it – like a flower that opens to the sun – it does so gracefully and joyfully, delighting in it, but not in any state of desperation. It has its own roots that support it.
I invite you to work with a beautiful healing method (offered by a woman Buddhist monk) called Feeding Your Demons. I think you can look it up online. I would play with this at least 4 times in the next 2 months, and also, in the meantime, sit in meditation with this – every day for at least 10 minutes, and allow yourself to feel your fears, and offer yourself love and compassion and understanding, in waves of light, or however else doing that shows up or works for you. Release the fears by allowing them, be present with them, and allowing yourself to feel them. Then fill yourself up with the love.
There are also 2 flower essences that can support you with this. They are Dandelion and Indian Pink. You can look them up online, and order them from The Flower Essence Society, or other places that carry them. I'd take 3 drops of Dandelion 2 times a day, and 4 drops of Indian Pink 3 times a day. Under the tongue.
You have already begun the healing process in a great way – now, just continue to face each layer of the fear as it presents itself, and continue with the process.
I have noticed that as I have been working on feeling, I have a tendencey to absorb the feelings and emotions of others. I KNOW I am not responsible for the emotions of other people but I feel this way. I think I have always learned to get energy from other people and I need to learn how to get energy more from myself but I don't really know how to go about doing this. I do know that I have felt the need to be protected from the energy of others because I can feel the negative emotions. I think this might be why it is hard for me to speak up, because I can feel the impact of it when I allow myself to feel.
I have a theory that people either give away excess energy or take energy. I had two instances where I have seen green light flowing between people.
Also, I have discovered I have difficulty using my discernment in seeing things clearly. It is getting better but I am still very confused with things as how to see things more clearly. I am not really sure what I should be focuing on for guidance because I have been told in the past that I have been self centered, but I know it probabley itsn't the best idea to believe what everyone tells me either.
Thank you for your website, it is very helpful! I really enjoy it!
Thanks. Well, here is something interesting showing up... The first thing I am being told is that you have an issue called, "Dislike of being a woman." When there is this issue, it usually comes from experiences, whether in this life or another, where a person was a woman and felt helpless and powerless. When one feels this way, the strategy then, to survive, is to take energy from others. This fits in with your belief that people "either give away excess energy or take energy." I don't think that is a theory. I think it is a belief that came from experiences you had, and it was something you chose to believe. I think a re-frame for that belief is this:
So, your issue here, about 70% of it, is this. What complicates this for you is that you still are having fermenting feelings and thoughts regarding past hurts and wounds and slights. This has caused you to have an issue called, "refusal to deal with life as it is". When we refuse to deal with life as it is, we tend to have no strong center of our own to operate from, and this ties into what was mentioned above – the feeling of helplessness – that you will be knocked around by the energy of others, and hurt by it, and there's nothing (you believe) that you can do about it. So, when one refuses to deal with the world as it is, which means being able to stand up and speak your truth, as needed, in a secure and strong and firm and clear way, the world becomes something that you just don't deal with – and that further emphasizes any feelings you have of being helpless (as a woman). You see the loop you have been caught in?
So, one challenge you have is to allow the past to be over, and to call back your energy that you have been spending and using to feel angry, thinking about your hurts and wounds. Yo can choose to use your energy in a better way. When you accept and can see that anything that happened in the past happened because it was a teacher for you, helping you to grow and evolve and gain strength and wisdom, then you can let go of what you "perceived" to be hurts and wounds, and see the brilliance and purpose of why they happened and what gift they came to give you. Then you are at peace, and you begin to live from that strong center of a person who self generates love and understanding, and who does not need to take energy from others.
When you take energy from others, you also take on their stuff and crap, and when one does that, you think either that it's your fault, or that you need to fix it. Neither one is true. It is their stuff, and separate from you. It is theirs to deal with, their responsibility, as it is yours to deal with your own stuff. As you stop fermenting over past hurts and wounds, you start feeling better about yourself, and more able to see your own worth – your thoughts come from a clearer, healthier place, and so you, too, feel healthier and clearer.
A good affirmation for you is this:
When you see yourself as beautiful, and strong, and you regard yourself with love, then you again grow this strong, beautiful center. Then, even if someone tells you something negative, such as you "are selfish", it doesn't matter what they say or what they think, because you are not dependant upon them. You have your own, beautiful core that tells you that you are beautiful and good and strong and worthwhile. It also tells you what to accept or reject – it connects you to your own wisdom and discernment, so you are not confused by the energy of others coming into your space. In that way, you do not take on anyone else's energy or thoughts or belief.
I invite you to go online and purchase a book with cards to play with, called the Goddess Oracle. It is a very wonderful thing to work with – you spread out the cards, face down, and then ask a question. You begin to develop your intuition as you choose a card that will answer you. Then, you read about that Goddess in the book – there will be a guided visualization for you to do. Find the quiet time you need to go deep into this visualization. This will connect you, as you work with the various goddesses represented in the deck, with the beauty and strength and wisdom of the Feminine.
I would invite you to do 2 journeys a week, asking a different question for each one, for 3 months, and then as needed.