"I fell in love with a guy who is Jewish, married and remains trapped"
I fell in love with a guy who is Jewish, married and feels, or rather chooses to remain, trapped in a network of family interference; he and his wife are very unhappily married. If it were not for this both he and I could (?) have been in a very happy and loving relationship looking towards a very happy future together. I beat myself up something bad over him being married and felt so very guilty but I figured it happened for a reason and the Universe brought it our way because of something. I still feel bad to some degree because I have always had an innate sense of right and wrong.
His so-called friend also held him to ransom over the situation threatening to tell his family and sticking his nose into a situation that has nothing to do with him. Moreover, this 'friend' uses and controls the guy I love because the guy I love allows him to, through being weak and dependent in character. Likewise, his family have gone a very long way to causing most of the issues and they too hold him to ransom. He is 33 years old, still lives by his parent's rules and cannot bring himself to follow his heart (he loves me deeply too) because they will, I am sure, disown him. They love him so I doubt it would be forever though.
I feel bad for hoping that he will follow his heart because of them disowning him (if they were to do that, I would imagine they would for a time) should he do what he knows is right for his own happiness. If he did come to me and I decided it was what I still wanted (I think it is but he has hurt me a lot so I would be very wary and careful) my mother would be absolutely furious with me. She just does not like him at all. I would go against her wishes though; it would not be easy on one level because she is my mother but it would be easy on another because nothing is ever 'right' or good enough anyhow (this is how it is and I have learned to live with it; it isn't just me either, it's other people this applies to also).
I met the guy two years ago and left him and the situation last summer because I could take no more. I have suffered hurts through family issues but never a hurt like this in the area of love; it is like a knife has been plunged into my heart and twisted over and over. I am now doing much better and am nowhere near as unhappy as I was. Although I have no energy and do not have the strength I used to have (I am a person of strong character and normally have a great deal of emotional and mental strength), I am not sleeping very much and feel very vulnerable and exposed energy wise (I don't know quite how to put that better, apologies). I am making the effort to eat well, get exercise and fresh air but it does not seem to be helping that much. I am going to have kinesiology next week as I have been told that will be of benefit to me to help with the emotional trauma.
Things have not worked out well at all since last summer work-wise and I am feeling like I am fighting a losing battle against things and people especially where work is concerned. The issues with my family (that have always been there since before I was born) seem magnified tenfold and I don't want to have anything to do with it all any more. Work is just a nightmare and has been since June; nothing is working out and nothing is settled. I am seeing a distinct pattern here and one that has been there throughout my life, i.e. things that seem good at the beginning turn out bad, don't work out, etc. Also, everything, and I mean everything, is problematic.
I really need to get myself on an even keel in all areas; love relationships (even though I need a rest / break in this area, it still needs to be fixed), work, family (always ongoing issues some old, some new always to do with my mother). I would just really like some peace; I strive for it all of the time, working on things some of which are long term, but I never seem to get very far and as time goes by new stuff comes up (I guess this is life!). The main issue being that with the guy and the fall out from that. I also feel somewhat angry about having the real potential for happiness in this area (something I have always wanted) dangled in front of me and then taken away just as quickly. It sort of feels like I have been the victim (I hate this word!) of a cruel joke. I do know, however, it came up for a reason but I haven't yet managed to find the clarity to figure what what for and why.
What am I doing wrong / not doing / not seeing?
Hi. Glad you wrote in. Let's get started then...
The first thing that I want to say is that you are right in seeing a pattern here - the pattern of things being hard and not working out comes from a belief you carry. The belief says: "I am defenseless and helpless - nobody cares, and that the reason nobody cares is that I am not good enough."
When a person believes that they are not good enough, they end up denying themselves any happiness, or ease, or joy.
A main lesson of this life journey we embark upon is to move beyond living out of or being caught in the ego. The ego sees itself as separate from everything else, and because it feels separate and alone, it tries to compensate for this pain by trying to boost itself up, to feel self important and special. Neither one of these ends of the spectrum is real. The truth is, we are all special, as every snowflake is special and beautiful, no more or less important then anything else. We are all made of divine, universal intelligence, and we are all a part of the Universal design - and in that way, not from a "Oh look at me I am better (or less) then everyone else," we deserve to be here - we deserve to exist as a joyful and integral part of the Universal dance. However, the wounded ego part of us doesn't KNOW this. When you know it, it's a deep sense of rightness, of peace, of just, "yes, this is how it really is."
You mentioned in your letter that "I also feel somewhat angry about having the real potential for happiness in this area (something I have always wanted) dangled in front of me and then taken away just as quickly." This is the key, right here. We can only create all of the unhappiness and let downs in life that you speak of when we feel that we do not deserve it. And the reason we believe that we do not deserve it is because we are angry at ourselves. The anger you feel is not at life or at others. No one is victimizing you - no one is taking anything away from you - but what IS going on, and this may take some deep exploration and inner searching for you to find it - is that you are actually angry at yourself, and therefore taking away that joy you seek from yourself. YOU are the one - from this untrue, ego place of false beliefs and woundedness - who thinks you don't deserve to be happy because you are finding fault with yourself - you think you are not good enough.
This is a core, deep anger to find and to heal. It basically is healing the belief that you do not even deserve to exist. But when you do find the anger at yourself and heal it, amazing things will happen. Life will smooth out for you and you will bring to yourself and ALLOW yourself to have the love and joy you seek. I think that the reason that you met this man, at least in part, was to bring this issue fully to the surface for you - the pain finally was too great for you to not deal with it and find out what is really going on to cause such distress. That is a great gift that that relationship and experience has given you. It has been a catalyst for you to move you on into a whole new level of awareness and insight and healing. All of the situations that have brought you pain, with your mother, now with work, with this man, all of this stems from this basic belief and anger at the self that you have operated out of.
You ARE part of the Universal design. You ARE important and loved by life itself. You ARE powerful and capable, and it is right for you to truly love and appreciate ALL of yourself.
To help you release this anger, to get the process of it coming to light and then being released, there are two things right now that I invite you to do. One is to say the following prayer 2 times during the next 2 weeks:
So - that's it for now. I think that if you follow these 2 techniques offered, you will begin a powerful healing process for yourself.