"I find myself always going back to anxious and worthless feelings"
I have read your work for years now and think you are wonderful. A blessing from God. You have helped so many and hope you can help me too. I'm sitting here in my room feeling sad and lonely, as I often do. I feel panicky and anxious and this has gone on for about four years now. In fact this feeling started when I started going out with my ex boyfriend whom I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with. Although we ended our relationship a year ago, the panic attacks are still there and do not want to go away. I'm having trouble breathing and I even look back to the past although I know he was terribly wrong for me. He has a Jekyll and Hyde type personality like my father had.
Although I have moved on in the sense that I would never be with him again, part of me still hangs in there as he was the only guy I had a serious, intimate, long-term relationship with and quite simply, because I haven't met anyone else whom I'm even remotely attracted too. I'm even disgusted in myself that I let him treat me the way he did. I also feel lost in what I want to do career-wise and have ditched in my office job to start my own online business and am terrified that won't work. I just wish I had more confidence in myself.
I still flatshare in a small pokey basement flat at 29 years old and see my friends around me in serious relationships getting married and settling down yet I am not attracted to anyone. NO-ONE. I feel stuck like nothing will ever change and I feel abnormal. Why do I have to be so fussy with men? He can't be short, or boring, or unattractive. The list goes on. I HATE taking on the victim role and even hate (and am ashamed) that I'm moaning to someone as spiritually advanced as yourself. I wish I was less fussy because at least then I'd have more chance meeting someone. I'm overly critical about myself, whether it be my looks, or my character or simply the way I am. Sometimes, I'll even go as far as saying that I hate myself. I so desperately want to see things in a more positive light. I'm excellent at giving sound and positive advise to some of my closest friends, yet am useless at listening to my own. I'm on a spiritual path and have a spiritual teacher, but I'm not sure that is helping me at all. The anxiety is still there. I've gone as far as seeing psychics who tell me I should work as a healer, but how can I when I can't even heal myself? I go in round in circles, from being very happy to being very sad and so on and so on and it's driving me insane.
I have read the Laws of the Universe many times and it does help for a short while but then I find myself back to these anxious and worthless feelings. I need to work on myself Ayal but don't know how to. I want these panic attacks to leave my life forever as they burden me so much. I want to stop thinking about the past and know my future will be better. I want to stop fearing everything and stop feeling so utterly worthless. People say I'm very pretty, clever, funny, special and unique but I don't really think I'm any of them. I'm lost and scared. I never feel good enough for anyone or anything, that someone is always better than me. I just need to know how I can assure myself that everything's going to be ok and that I will love and be loved again.
OK, let's get started. The first thing that is showing up, as you mentioned, is holding onto the garbage of the past. The next thing that is showing up is Not trusting the process of life - and that comes from being stuck in the stuff from your childhood. Because your father had a Jekyll and Hyde personality disorder, what you decided about life was that it was not safe. The world was not safe. This is the belief structure that your panic attacks come from.
Here is a powerful prayer/intention that I invite you to say 3 times a day for the next 2 months, and then as you feel it is needed:
When one of our parents is so dysfunctional, as your father was, what happens for the child is that because we see, as little ones, our parents as god, when they are not safe, the whole world is not safe. God, then becomes not safe, as God =parent to us. It is important for you to understand that your little girl within saw your father as God - but he was nowhere near safe, and that colored your entire world, your belief in a safe and loving god whom you could trust, etc. etc. This is a major part of where you are stuck and why you feel so much panic. And, if no one is safe, that would lead to deep feelings of loneliness, true?
Here is another prayer showing up that I am being told would be good for you to do to release the traumas of the past. You could do this twice in a 2 week period.
To heal the effects of a psychic attack:
Learning to deal with trauma and loss is part of everyone's contract. Although we feel physical and emotional pain, our spiritual purpose is to become aware of the reasons for such events - to create meaning out of them. So, any wounds you carry need to be transformed into a spiritual passageway, converting the actual experience into a symbolic purpose. As you go through this process, it would be great for you to say the following, taking deep breaths, as if you were drawing in a delicious breath of ocean air into your whole being:
One of your goals can be this: to allow your nervous system to heal so that it functions at a higher rate, enhancing your spiritual capacities and strengthening your ability to process and clear energies such as fear.
There is something going on with your reproductive system that would be good for you to check out also. And I highly suggest that you do a liver cleanse. Learn more about the Liver Cleanse Program.
It is definitely important to have discrimination when choosing people you want to have relationship with, such as men, or even friends in general. Perhaps this is another gift having a dysfunctional father gave to you. Perhaps in other lives you were not discriminating enough... and now you have the opportunity to change that. Just do so in a balanced way - not an obsessive or fear based way. Everyone will have something not perfect about them, as we are all here to heal and grow.
As your trust level builds, people's flaws will not seem so terrifying to you. This does not mean that you pick someone like your father however. As you disconnect from that energy and the patterns of the past that you have carried, you will not continue to replay that same old scenario of picking someone like your father, or having to stay away from people so completely out of fear. Then this can come into a better balance for you.
It would be great for you to join a healing group with people who are working on similar issues. See if there is one with high level people in your area.
Many blessings, Ayal