"I wish I could be more sociable and likeable, like my boyfriend"
Dear Ayal - I am really impressed by your insight to the questions posed on this site. I hope you can help me too. I came from an family with a good father but unloving mother. She always told me that children were there to serve the parents and I never had the choice in much. She denied me any joys such as Christmas, Birthdays and wanted the very least for me. She didn't want me to have new clothing and just wanted to give me hand-me-downs. When it was Christmas, my dad had to sneak me gifts sometimes. She forced me to play piano but anything that I wanted to take, such as swimming, ice skating and dance, I would start taking but eventually stop because no one would take me. She would put me down but in front of her friends brag about me. However, she expected me to be the best in everything and when I wasn't, she would put me down and say I was stupid and no good. I eventually cracked and rebelled by dropping out of school and moving out as a teenager. I just wanted to hurt her by taking the one thing she wanted away from her... her face.
Throughout that time, I clung to relationships putting all my time into my boyfriends. It was in a clingy insecure way though. I didn't have many friends and especially female friends because I felt insecure around them. Since then, I have since reformed myself, gotten my degree, have good friends of both sexes and have a professional career but still have these nagging issues. I am still very self conscious and have a tendency to think that people are always judging me. I think that if I'm not a certain way, people will not accept me. I am afraid to let my friends meet each other because I think they will like each other more and forget about me. I do not have confidence in my ability to develop close relationships and feel uncomfortable when people get too close but want close relationships.
I have a very sweet boyfriend who is very social and likeable but the problem is that I get uncomfortable when I'm around him because he is more sociable than I am and I feel like I just disappear into the background. I wish I could be more like him and get angry at myself when I'm not. I always feel that as soon as someone meets him, they will definitely like him better. I'm so competitive that I get jealous when he does well and sometimes almost hope that he fails. Some things I'm better than he is at, and I usually make it known to him by putting him down. I feel so badly for thinking these thoughts and displaying this behavior and I know there is something wrong because I do. I have tried to overcome this on my own but I can't seem to get that uncomfortable nagging feeling out of my head when we socialize together. I want to be with him but the thought of socializing together just gives me so much stress right now. Please tell me you can tell me what is wrong with me. Thank you for any insight you may have.
Hi - what you are experiencing is very natural given what you went through as a child, although I know how distressing, uncomfortable, and painful it feels. You were given a strongly intense message that you weren't good enough and deserved to be abused - and of course, your mother also felt that way about herself. Therefore, she passed her own unresolved issue on to you. Although your father sounds as if he were more loving, still, he had to feel not good enough as well, or else he would have had the strength to stand up to your mother, defend you, not sneak around, but instead put an end to that kind of abuse.
So, you got the "I'm not good enough" program like a whammy from both parents. Sometimes it is hard to accept or realize that our parents have what is actually a virulent psychosis, but it sounds as if your mother was that badly damaged. She may not be able to heal it in herself this time around, but as YOU see it and do not want to continue to participate in that energy, you can heal it. It is a deep program, but it can be healed.
On the larger soul level, because you came into such a family, your lesson this time around is to heal any lack of self worth or self love you have had, in this lifetime or any other one. Although going through the not good enough issue is terribly painful, it comes up so that you can finally pop through it and be free of it. The pain is there, as it is for any wound, physical or mental or emotional, to alert you to the fact that something is not on track or functional or in alignment with good health, or, as some might put it, Divine Truth (they are one and the same, actually). You have been wise enough to pick up on this and decide to do something about it, which is exactly what you came in to do. So, you are taking up the challenge in a good way.
I want you to see the strength and courage and wisdom it takes to do that. It takes courage to face oneself and one's issues - to see what is honestly going on. You may not have felt good enough for most of your life due to this program, this distorted energy, that has been like a virus in your family (and it actually is in most of us until we see it and heal it), but at some point, someone in the family comes along with the wisdom and soul maturity and strength to heal it - and you are that one. When you heal this for yourself, it will be a blessing for your entire ancestry as well as your descendants. That's just how it works. That doesn't mean your mother and father will heal - that is THEIR job and responsibility to do so - but it will break the loop, the pattern, and create a new energy that will help all of you in different degrees. But your job is not to go about this to heal them. Your job is to heal yourself. That is each person's responsibility, to heal themselves, and this is where a lot of the distortion comes in: a person's refusal to see their own stuff and take responsibility for healing it.
This behavior says, in effect, I am not enough on my own, and I need to suck on someone else's energy, or depend upon something outside of myself, to feel good about myself. And that is what your mother did. She had no self generating love for herself, so she depended on your achievements to make her feel good. But, at the same time, since she did not feel good about herself, she would be jealous of you AND your achievements, even though she demanded that of you to gratify herself and her own poor image. You have seen this pattern in yourself, as you mentioned, when you feel jealous of the achievements or abilities of others. It's part of the program and distortion of energy, all due to a lack of inner self worth.
Since your mother had no foundation of self worth or love for herself, and probably actually hated herself instead, she couldn't give you the energy of love. What comes forth from a person caught in this psychosis is hatred, the hatred she feels for herself. A person in such a dysfunctional state then goes up and down depending upon what is going on in their external world, since they have no inner resources to call upon - what others say about them, what happens around them, etc., and it is a very difficult way to live. It is self absorption in the most difficult form, and such a person never usually can see themselves, what they do, or their own issues. They cannot be honest with what their behavior is actually doing, or how they are impacting or treating others. It is all about what someone else has done wrong, their flaws, etc. It is all about themselves, and what has been done to them, because they are so incredibly wounded and needy. They suck off other people's energy, unfortunately, and also bounce off of other people's energy, taking everything personally, even if it is not about them.
So it is this continual, unbalanced dance they are caught in, either draining people by needing others to fulfill them or love them, or they are pushing others away due to their hatred and lack of awareness of how their yucky energy impacts others. They always feel abandoned, since their energy pushes away that which they most crave and need. It is a self reinforcing, self perpetuating unhappy situation, where they never get the love and approval they are seeking. They don't know why people get upset at them usually, as they never see that their own behavior has caused it. And that love and approval they seek can only come from within themselves. Because what results from all of this dysfunction is that everything for them centers around themselves - such a person sees everything as being "done to her" by others, but never what they themselves do.
Such a person takes everything as a personal affront or insult, because, in a very negative, narcissistic, unhealthy way, everything revolves around her and her own self absorption. Usually what happens is that since they can't see themselves or forgive themselves for any mistakes, making a mistake only confirms for them how awful they are. So, they go into denial about their own behavior. Making a mistake equals destruction for them, and it validates, in their mind, the self hatred they feel deep down and are so terrified of: the fear that they are horrible and not worth loving. Such a one is constantly on the alert, constantly EXPECTING to be reviled and discarded. They go up if someone gives them energy, and down if they think they are being left out. The bottomless pit of insecurity is always there, directing their distorted behavior and affecting all that they do or feel. It all boils down to their own sense of not being good enough, not having the where with all or foundation to love themselves.
But again, it can be healed if someone is willing to recognize the pattern and choose to transform it. All it is is distorted energy, like a shoestring that has gotten tied up in knots. When we see a pattern such as this operating in us or our family, the important thing is to see it as a glitch in our energy field, and to recognize it as an opportunity to track it down and transform it, within ourself. It's an opportunity for growth and healing. That's all. And when we do heal it, we emerge from that old energy like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon to a new life, with new, clear energy. Things get tangled up down here in our incarnations, and our journey is to heal what has gotten bruised or distorted along the way, and to grow in strength and wisdom from the experience of healing it, and dealing with it.
There are things you can do to heal this. One is to see a clear bubble in front of your navel. Then you pour all of this distorted energy and painful emotions and fears into it. Next you allow it to rise up into the sun and be dissolved. Then, coming down from the sun you see another bubble filled with golden light, love, joy, inner strength and wisdom, etc., coming down, and you allow it to fill your entire being, every cell, from your head through your toes. You'd probably need to do this on a regular basis for a while, each time an energy comes up for you that is connected to this issue. Be as clear as you can to see it and feel it as you put it in the bubble, and fill the bubble with as much of it as you can or are aware of, at that moment.
Another thing you can do is say this prayer:
I'd invite you to do this twice a day for the next 4 months or so. Then as needed. Put in the first blank whatever you want to release and heal, and in the next whatever energy you choose to have within you instead. This will help.
However, often it helps to have a more direct assistance to assist one to move out this energy that is actually stuck in the DNA. I know of a wonderful energetic healer who does deeply healing work with this sort of thing. If you'd like to have her phone number, I will send it to you. She does the healing via phone sessions, and I have worked with her myself and can vouch for her level of integrity and ability. She works with the Healing Masters. The work is deeply transformative and powerful.