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"My husband has departed and I want to heal our karmic connection"

Dear Ayal,

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, I must have spent an hour typing up this letter and I didn't make a copy, but then it got deleted. I don't remember everything I wrote down. What does this mean? I will do my best not to dwell on this loss.

I printed out Laws of the Universe, Your Sense of Power, Getting Clear worksheet and a few of the Counterpoint articles [see home page links]. I also read a couple of the letters that I thought might apply to my situation. Just reading through the materials has helped me a lot and made me feel better and I plan on using some of your responses in creating EFT set-ups for myself.

I also printed out the Whole Hearted Healing technique and was amazed there was a section that included EFT. I have been studying and using EFT, on my own, for the last 5 months. I am also studying other energy healing methodologies, learning prosperity and abundance work, doing prayers and affirmations for about an hour a day, meditations and seeing a psychotherapist who's doing regression work with me. I am married with no children.

Last October my husband was fired from his job (we've been separated since Nov. 2003) and 19 days later my mother suffered a stroke and passed away. On Feb, (15), I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. I have had the lump since about 1999 and I believe that it didn't become malignant until last fall when it became uncomfortable for me to lay on my stomach during massage. The tumor is on my right side and some enlightened people have referred to it as being on my masculine side. I chose to go with alternative therapies and have not had any allopathic procedures.

I believe that my diagnosis is all tied into my emotional roller coaster ride since 1997. That year my husband suffered through a staph. aureus infection on a plate that has been in his head (right side also), as a consequence of a bone tumor at the age of eleven. Treatment consisted of surgery to remove the infected plate, IV antibiotics for a couple of months and another surgery to replace the plate. He got well and everything was fine until 1998 when the exact same thing happened again. The doctors were unable to ascertain the root cause of the infections other than to tell us to stop all high altitude skiing since this seemed to induce the infections on both occasions. We went though the same ordeal and this time he started having seizures afterwards. I took care of him all by myself all along. I never felt supported by his family who were all out of state.

The neurologist attributed the seizures to scarring from the surgeries. In 2000, just before his 40th birthday we started having problems, he started flirting with my divorced younger sister. I blame myself for ignoring this. Even though he was on meds, he was still having seizures. His medication was changed - he was placed on Depakote and his whole personality changed. He became depressed, had short term memory loss, anxiety, headaches and still had seizures. (In March when I saw him for the first time since he left, he had tremors in his hands that he said was from another medication he was taking.)

He moved out in Oct. 2001 and filed for divorce. He stopped proceedings in April and we saw a psychiatrist the summer of 2002 and remained separate but in communication. He moved back home in June of 2003 and stayed until November (3 days after our anniversary he left without warning while I was out). I came home to an empty house. We were repainting the kitchen.

When I was diagnosed in February and called to tell him, he said that he wanted to come home and take care of me and be with me and that he loved me. Before he came home to stay, he was back and forth 3 times and each time left without warning. Amidst all this, I found out the woman he had lived with filed for divorce in April on his behalf through trickery and was almost successful in getting a default judgment on me since he was slow to stop the process. This was ended in July when he came home again (I thought for good). We attended a church sponsored Retrouvaille week-end for troubled marriages and even went to all 6 post-workshop sessions.

My husband of almost 20 yrs (in November) filed for divorce again almost three weeks ago. I have retained the services of an attorney and accepted the probability of a divorce, however, I have not given up hope and I do surrogate tapping for him. I taught him EFT and shared all my resource materials with him. He says that he loves me but "He can't rekindle the passion and romance of our past relationship, he wants to remain friends and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore."

I have not heard from him since he left and he has not been returning my phone calls (3 times). The last time he did this, the excuse was that he avoids talking to me because I can always influence him. Since he doesn't have a full time job he is on my health insurance and I also pay for his car insurance. I called to tell him his proof of insurance was expired and to pick up the new one. I have been paying for everything since he lost his job. He was a workaholic before that, which was the other half of our problem, and decided that he didn't want to have a regular job. He started his own consulting business and received a short term contract recently. I don't even know where he is living right now. When we get divorced he will not have health insurance.

The whole time he was home, I sensed that he was only half in. I feel that he is split in half wherein he can talk the good talk but his actions have been the opposite. The most frustrating part is the indifference. I don't seem to exist to him. He can function professionally but my friends that have been around him say that he's different. I pray for him everyday.

I believe we have a very strong karmic connection and that we have been together for a few lives. I even saw a psychic who told me of a couple of events related to this back in 2001. I told him this and he also believes it. He was proud of the fact that he waited to tell me personally about the divorce filing instead of just walking out. I want to heal this karmic connection and I don't want to wait through another lifetime to do it.

I have enclosed a couple of notes he wrote on Sept 16, just days before he left, and the list from me. I never received the letter. I found it in his computer files. He sent the best qualities in response to the one I gave him. I wrote it based on an inspirational e-mail I received. I still send him inspirational e-mails. I also have not taken off my rings.

I honestly believe that divorce is not the solution to our problems and we both love each other a lot, no matter what has happened. I am aware that I can only control how I think and act and that I have attracted the present situation by my past choices.

Thanks for reading this

Hi - Well, first of all, the symbolic meaning of your letter getting lost is that you carry around a belief in futility, of "what's the use?" This has to do with your feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and self rejection. So, there's a great read-out right there with what's going on for you. What's the guilt about - and do you know that guilt is a way of punishing yourself, of holding onto the past? Guilt serves no purpose - all it does is stop you from seeing that whatever you were supposed to get out of an event or situation in the past, whatever good or lesson you were to get, you ALREADY got it - and in seeing this, in accepting and honoring and recognizing that, one can then move on from the past and be fully alive and well and grateful for what was given, in the present moment. That allows us to LET THINGS GO.

It is interesting to me that your letter is all about your husband and his issues basically, your relationship with him - rather then about yourself and your needs and YOUR issues that you'd like to heal for yourself. You mention very briefly that, "I am aware that I can only control how I think and act and that I have attracted the present situation by my past choices." However, you don't ask to see what these are. The fact is that if you are making this all about your need for him, your need for relationship with him, then you are not really seeing the issue that has you creating this. It isn't so much about past choices, as it is about unrecognized energetic patterns you are carrying. Are you willing to deal with those? Because if you are, then you can change your life.

By focusing so much on your husband, that tells me that you are pouring your life energy into needing someone else, rather then relying upon yourself to bring you the security and happiness you seek. Right? The question here needs to be:

How do my husband's issues reflect similar issues in me?
So much of this letter was about his being sick, and you taking care of him, and then you getting sick, and him taking care of you AS IF THAT IS WHAT YOU BOTH USE TO PULL ONE ANOTHER TO EACH OTHER. "IF I'M ILL, SOMEONE WILL LOVE ME AND HAVE TO BE THERE TO TAKE CARE OF ME." That is a belief that comes from a false conclusion, from feeling DEFENSELESS AND HOPELESS, from believing and feeling that nobody cares, from a strong belief in not feeling good enough. This belief comes from a denial of the self, and also there is some sexual guilt attached to it. (You might want to explore that aspect of this as well.)

This is an issue of "excessive responsibility", thinking that if you are responsible to another, or needed by another, then you will be loved. Not true.



This is the core belief that you must heal in yourself in order to change what you manifest in your life. Even though your husband has behaved very badly, and even after you poured all this care into him, you still are feeling, it seems, very desperate to have him back, as if you aren't worth anything unless he loves you. That's like accepting abuse, and still asking for more. This is something very important that I think you need to explore and see. This man obviously is not stable emotionally, whether this is due to his illness, medications, or just his own distortions is not clear. Probably all of the above. However, what IS clear is that you are not getting from him what you need, and yet you are still trying to get that from him rather then developing your own inner strengths that will allow you to move on with your life and create what it is that you truly need to feel good about yourself. And doing so has made you ill, I think.

Someone once gave me this analogy about trying to get something from a place where it just isn't, where it just won't come to you. He said: It's like standing in front of an empty coke machine, banging on it and continuing to put your money into it. But it's empty, and no matter what you do, you're not going to get a coke.

That seems to me to be what you are doing - pouring all of your life energy into an empty coke machine, thinking you can get a coke. That somewhere in there, there is a coke. And you have depleted your life force by doing so. Wouldn't you say to someone you saw doing that, standing in front of an empty coke machine and continuing to try to get a coke - wouldn't you shake your head,wondering at their actions, and maybe tap them on the shoulder and say: " Uh - I don't think there are any cokes in there." ?

The gist of this story is: You have to be YOUR OWN coke machine, and give yourself what you need.

The question is: Have you explored what keeps you from doing this?

You must learn to embrace and hold yourself, not try to bargain someone else into doing it for you, or give the essence of yourself away, your integrity, your life force, in order to try to get that from someone else. Only YOU can give that to YOU, and when you do, then the Universe matches that energy by bringing someone into your life who also is balanced and can share appropriate love energy. Also, since this relationship is obviously not working, what stops you from being able to accept that as what's right for you in your life, and move on and allow something new and better to come in for you, which it will, as you change and grow? This is all about feeling secure enough in yourself, in the Divine plan of things, in having faith (which is Feeling Alright In Your Heart, no matter what else is going on around you, or how anyone else is behaving, or what they are choosing) - being able to let go, in other words, of an empty coke machine, of that which no longer serves you or is good for you. True? Otherwise, you are hurting yourself by holding onto that which is harmful to you, and that is not coming from a place of Self Love, or being able to surrender to or trusting the Divine Will, is it? So, this is all about your ability to have unconditional trust in your Higher Self, your ability to recognize the illusions you are caught in, and your acceptance of Intuitive Guidance.

To also help you with this, try the following:

Go into deep relaxation and imagine yourself seated in a theatre, observing the stage. You are the author, director and producer of a play that is in the middle of a rehearsal. While the action is taking place, you are sitting in the auditorium, watching. Of course, this is THE PLAY OF YOUR LIFE, and you are seeing yourself as the star. The scene when your crisis takes place is just beginning.

What do you see?

Now you, as the author, director and producer, jump up, quite disgusted by what is going on. You hop onto the stage, start talking to yourself, and redirecting yourself. You might tell you, the star, that your script is not working, and point out that the stuff everybody is playing out is NOT what is in the script you are now choosing to enact. Continue correcting the scene until you are satisfied, that is, until you find a better, more spiritually evolved way to "act out" your crisis. (For example, tell an actor to listen instead of yelling. Or, walk away from your husband and see yourself living a totally fulfilled, happy life, giving YOURSELF all that you need, feeling loved and good just in and of yourself and what you are choosing to do with your life, etc.)

Thank the star and the other players for their efforts. You know that this production will be a huge success. Write down what you experienced.It would be excellent for you to learn to draw energy from oxygen and sunshine, and cosmic energy - what is called "Prana" or 'Chi", which is the eternal life force energy always present in the Universe, that gives life to everything, in every breath you take.

A good prayer to do around this is the following: I invite you to say it out loud 3 times a day for the next 2 months:

"O Holy Vibration, Thou art I. Thou art bliss. Thou art peace. Thou art whole. I Am whole, I am whole, I am whole. Thou art perfect. Perfection is mine. Thou art bliss. I am bliss, I am bliss, I am bliss."
You can also place your hands over your heart, cupping them over your heart with the heel of your palms together, and say: "My heart is enough." I'd do this 5 times a day for 2 years.

I also think it would be very useful for you to start dealing with your anxieties on your own. One way to do this is to find a special stone, and whenever you feel anxious, breathe your anxieties into the stone. Then cleanse the stone by placing it in salt water for a while, and make sure you offer your gratitude to the stone and water and salt for working with you in this way.

Check out your spleen - this organ, when distorted, according to Edgar Cayce... "he directly links spleen functioning to brain processes involving cognition and imagination. These readings make the point that a person experiencing spleen problems may have mal-adaptive flights of imagination in which the person seems to be out of touch with reality (not necessarily psychotic, but more impractical or excessively fanciful). Repressed emotions may be a factor in spleen dysfunction."

I invite you to go to a good holistic chiropractor or naturopathic doctor and see about supporting and balancing your spleen. (Also have your thymus checked out.) This may help you to understand and get out of some of the illusions you are undergoing. Also it will help your healing process physically.

That's plenty for now.

Blessings, Ayal

421. "I avoid getting involved in a serious relationship because of the fears I have"

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